Fada's dad is dying...do I call?

[Guest guest]

Fada and I have not been speaking for several months now. He emails me abusive

emails once in a while, trying to guilt-trip and/or intimidate me into calling

him. I have set limits as to when I will be calling him again (he gets help for

his anger & doesn't keep blaming me for stuff). He also has the ability to pick

up the phone and call but he's left the ball in my court...so...:

Is it terrible of me to decide NOT call him just to check in and say hi, as his

father is dying in the hospital? I would do this to any other friend or family

member, but I almost (selfishly) feel like it'll start up a round of him calling

me a ton of times a day, getting upset when I don't talk to him long enough or

tell him enough etc. Is it worth it to make an " exception " to call, say hi, that

I love him and sorry it's tough for him? Or would it be more hurtful to do that

when afterward I would then go back to my limits of not talking to him till he

gets his stuff together? I'm certainly NOT going back into giving in and calling

him all the time with his ailing father as an excuse.

[Guest guest]

Sorry about your grandfather. You're probably right that your fada will use this

an excuse to amp up the abuse and emotional blackmail again.

When I consider breaking my NC rules with family I ask myself " what is it that

*I* want to? " Do you want to convey your condolences? Do you want to make sure

your dad knows you still care? Do you want your family to know you aren't

uncaring?... once What are your true fears in this scenario? If you can distill

down what it is that you need to do for youself, and seaprate the fear,

obligation and guilt feelings this might help clarify things.

With the emotional blackmailers in my FOO I often use one-way communications

that don't involve personal contact. Such as email, or a letter/condolences card

in the mail. You have some degree of control over the pace of communication and

time to take a breather if it gets too much.

Staying on point is also key. If I break a NC or LC situation it automatically

leads to a flood of accusations and problems that don't relate to the specific

point (the point that you are simply conveying your concern for a sick family

member). I always bring it back to the original point, re-iterate it once more

and then cut it dead when the topic goes off track.

>

> Fada and I have not been speaking for several months now. He emails me abusive

emails once in a while, trying to guilt-trip and/or intimidate me into calling

him. I have set limits as to when I will be calling him again (he gets help for

his anger & doesn't keep blaming me for stuff). He also has the ability to pick

up the phone and call but he's left the ball in my court...so...:

>

> Is it terrible of me to decide NOT call him just to check in and say hi, as

his father is dying in the hospital? I would do this to any other friend or

family member, but I almost (selfishly) feel like it'll start up a round of him

calling me a ton of times a day, getting upset when I don't talk to him long

enough or tell him enough etc. Is it worth it to make an " exception " to call,

say hi, that I love him and sorry it's tough for him? Or would it be more

hurtful to do that when afterward I would then go back to my limits of not

talking to him till he gets his stuff together? I'm certainly NOT going back

into giving in and calling him all the time with his ailing father as an excuse.

>

[Guest guest]

Oh and I forgot to write that, no, it's not selfish or terrible if you decide to

remain no contact. The fact that your fada's dad is sick is not an excuse for

fada to abuse you. Period. You have the right to protect yourself.

[Guest guest]

I think you should call if you want to and not call if you don't

want to. You're allowed to think of your own needs first. He's

not a friend or just any family member. He's an abuser.

" Abuser " trumps " father " as a description of his relationship to

you. There's nothing terrible about not calling someone who has

abused you and who has shown that he will continue to abuse you

if you give him the chance. You're most likely right when you

think that calling him would result in him calling you a bunch

of times again. People with BPD will take ten miles if you give

them an inch. He's likely to see any contact as being a signal

that things are back the way they used to be because most things

are all or nothing for them. And yes, it might well be more

hurtful when you continue to enforce your boundaries afterward.

At 04:32 PM 11/29/2012 newlife9871 wrote:

>Fada and I have not been speaking for several months now. He

>emails me abusive emails once in a while, trying to guilt-trip

>and/or intimidate me into calling him. I have set limits as to

>when I will be calling him again (he gets help for his anger &

>doesn't keep blaming me for stuff). He also has the ability to

>pick up the phone and call but he's left the ball in my

>court...so...:

>

>Is it terrible of me to decide NOT call him just to check in

>and say hi, as his father is dying in the hospital? I would do

>this to any other friend or family member, but I almost

>(selfishly) feel like it'll start up a round of him calling me

>a ton of times a day, getting upset when I don't talk to him

>long enough or tell him enough etc. Is it worth it to make an

> " exception " to call, say hi, that I love him and sorry it's

>tough for him? Or would it be more hurtful to do that when

>afterward I would then go back to my limits of not talking to

>him till he gets his stuff together? I'm certainly NOT going

>back into giving in and calling him all the time with his

>ailing father as an excuse.

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

Thanks all. Real good points. I think I will send him a card. Still shows I

care, and leaves me space to breathe in terms of our communication. If there is

a funeral, of course I will say some kind words to him there but until then,

yeah, it'll only hurt us both to start talking now.

To healing for all of us in this upside-down world

> >Fada and I have not been speaking for several months now. He

> >emails me abusive emails once in a while, trying to guilt-trip

> >and/or intimidate me into calling him. I have set limits as to

> >when I will be calling him again (he gets help for his anger &

> >doesn't keep blaming me for stuff). He also has the ability to

> >pick up the phone and call but he's left the ball in my

> >court...so...:

> >

> >Is it terrible of me to decide NOT call him just to check in

> >and say hi, as his father is dying in the hospital? I would do

> >this to any other friend or family member, but I almost

> >(selfishly) feel like it'll start up a round of him calling me

> >a ton of times a day, getting upset when I don't talk to him

> >long enough or tell him enough etc. Is it worth it to make an

> > " exception " to call, say hi, that I love him and sorry it's

> >tough for him? Or would it be more hurtful to do that when

> >afterward I would then go back to my limits of not talking to

> >him till he gets his stuff together? I'm certainly NOT going

> >back into giving in and calling him all the time with his

> >ailing father as an excuse.

>

> --

> Katrina

>