Re: I think I'm free. . . .

[Guest guest]

You are describing a really REALLY similar pattern and progression of behaviors

that in my nada, wound up with her being diagnosed with senile dementia. Like

your husband, my Sister was accused by our bpd mother of stealing things from

her, even though Sister had been knocking herself out trying to help nada and do

things for her after our dad died. Like you, Sister experienced having nada's

criticism and anger turned on her with even more force after dad stopped being

there to " take it " like a human shield.

And just as in your case, nothing could be done by her medical service providers

or by social services to help my nada until she started acting out her paranoid

delusions with people outside the family.

Dementia robs people of their executive function as well as their memory, and as

her executive function deteriorated my nada started doing things like attempting

to take small children with her into her apartment without their mother's

knowing about it. (She thought they were the children of " circus people " and

nada wanted to give them clothes and toys.) My nada also began wandering around

outside at night to bury her valuables to keep them from being stolen by the

" circus people " , and finally nada became angry and belligerent with the police

when they arrived in response to her calls about the " circus people " who were

coming into her apartment through the walls to steal things from her. (Nada was

hiding things around her apt also and forgetting where she'd put them, and

interpreted that as people stealing from her. Plus she was burying stuff

outside and then forgot she did it.)

Its sad to watch someone deteriorate like that, whether they're a " nada " or not.

But their dysfunction does have to reach a certain point before any action can

be taken legally to protect them from themselves.

I hope it will give your husband some comfort to realize that your mother is

mentally ill, so her hurtful accusations are not based on reality. Her

perceptions/cognition are skewed, distorted, and negative (the paranoia and

fixed delusional ideation.) From my point of view, dementia is like " BPD on

steroids. "

-Annie

>

> You all know how nadas are, very dramatic and unpredictable. Since my Dad died

4 years ago my husband and I have done what we could to take care of nada. Got

all the paperwork straightened out, her finances in good order, done work around

her house, taken her where she wanted to go.

>

> But with my Dad gone, her anger became more focused on us. This past year

she's been misplacing things around the house. She either puts them away in an

odd spot or she hides them because she believes someone was getting in and

moving things around to upset her. Then she switched to things being stolen. No

way someone could get in without her knowledge but she was so sure the crooks

have their ways.

>

> Then she switched to tying missing things to us, that when we visited, things

would disappear. I don't even take a paper clip from her house. And when she

forces things on me as a " gift " , I cringe. I don't want to take it but she'll

have a fit if I don't. Mostly junk like old tupperware, blankets, clothing,

cereal. But a few things she's given me (money) I hate. Most of it was small

amounts like coins leftover from lunch. I save the money and use it to buy

things for her (Subway sandwiches, cupcakes, etc.) The two times she's given me

larger amounts, I've put it in our safe and I won't touch it.

>

> Anyway, this past week she's been on a roll, cutting me out of her life then

wanting me back. Yesterday she finally left a very mean phone message telling me

to never call her, never come over. She's tried to help me but she can't take

the lying and stealing any more. On and on.

>

> I actually transcribed her message and contacted her doctor. The nurse is an

angel and completely understood. She knows what's been going on because I've

talked to her a couple times before. She said to let my nada cope with things on

her own for awhile. She'll call her once a week. At some point nada will need

help and might be open to in-home help then. But essentially I'm free from the

responsibility now.

>

> We also called the police to explain what's going on. They kind of laughed,

they see this all the time in elderly and unless she calls to report her

" stolen " things, they can't do anything about it. And they would contact us

anyway if she did. Also called Adult Protection Services. They said unless she's

in danger of harming herself or is being harmed by someone else, they can't do

anything.

>

> My husband is very upset and hurt. After doing his best these past 4 years to

protect her and help her, then be called a thief really hurt. Me? I'm feeling a

huge burden lifted. The " medium chill " was helpful but she still wore me out

emotionally.

>

> Even if she decided to be in contact with us again, there's no way we would

step foot in her house. I'm done. This is going NC the easy way.

>

[Guest guest]

The more posts I read the more I'm convinced there is a " Nada Handbook " ...

They seem to do the same things, some more extreme than others. As an

example, when we moved my mother to the city where we were living, I was at

her apartment helping her unpack and she was spiraling into one of her

rages...all directed at me. She wish she hadn't moved, she wish I hadn't

been born, etc. She then hid my purse in a kitchen cabinet and when I was

ready to leave I couldn't find my purse. When I asked her if she had seen

it, she told me she had thrown it in the dumpster. So I was crawling

around the dumpster looking for my purse. She finally told me where it

was. She has also maintained that I kicked her five pound dog " across the

kitchen floor " .

So the lies, the rages, the " stealing " thingm the voicemails...from what I

see this all seems to be symptomatic for the disorder.

I don't know about you, but hearing others experiences has shed so much

light on the bizarre and abusive nature of my mother. I'm finding it

easier to detach knowing it's a disorder that has no cure. It sounds like

you're reaching the same place.

I used to feel some semblance of pity for my mother...even after the terror

she inflicted on my for my entire life. That emotion, pity, is being

replaced with emotionless recognition of who BPDs are.

NC really seems to be the only answer as there is nothing we can do to help

nadas. We have our own lives and husbands and children who need us to be

there for them. We can't be 100% there for them when we are constantly

climbing out of the hole our nadas throw us into.

Sounds like you've had an epiphany...

[Guest guest]

This is all to her own detriment. . . you helping her so much and then

kicking you out like that is so strange I'm thankful that BPD explains it

all. My grandfather, whom I believe had BPD did the same thing as he neared

death. He was a TERRIBLE person to be around and at the time I didn't know

what BPD was but all those behaviors exhibit it. My nada had to deal with

grandfada and she didn't do a very good job. Imagine a BPD trying to cope

with another BPD controlling, manipulating and accusing them of things like

stealing. J It is almost comical if it weren't so sad!

Yes, NC is the easy way. I feel guilt about that - like I should just deal

with her now that I know about medium chill and not to take it personal.

But frankly, (I'm stealing this from a BPDfamily.com quote) my give-a-d*%m

is broken. LOL

[Guest guest]

medium chill still hurts us and why should we continue to hurt?

On Fri, Nov 30, 2012 at 6:31 PM, Renslow jwjrenslow@...>wrote:

> **

>

>

>

>

> This is all to her own detriment. . . you helping her so much and then

> kicking you out like that is so strange I'm thankful that BPD explains it

> all. My grandfather, whom I believe had BPD did the same thing as he neared

> death. He was a TERRIBLE person to be around and at the time I didn't know

> what BPD was but all those behaviors exhibit it. My nada had to deal with

> grandfada and she didn't do a very good job. Imagine a BPD trying to cope

> with another BPD controlling, manipulating and accusing them of things like

> stealing. J It is almost comical if it weren't so sad!

>

> Yes, NC is the easy way. I feel guilt about that - like I should just deal

> with her now that I know about medium chill and not to take it personal.

> But frankly, (I'm stealing this from a BPDfamily.com quote) my give-a-d*%m

> is broken. LOL

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you for the " validation " as they call it. In the world of normal, ignoring

my own mother sounds so horrible. But only a person who's had a lifetime of this

hot/cold treatment would understand.

I really thought the medium chill would be enough to protect myself and meet her

needs as an elderly person. But this last attack from her was just too much. I

can't see us being with her when we know she doesn't like us at all and

certainly doesn't trust us. She may as well hire someone from the Yellow Pages.

Then when she attacks them, they'll just walk away.

This morning she called (that's a pretty quick turn around, even for her) and

left a message. It wasn't very nice, just " J. (my husband), you'd better call

me, it's urgent and I mean it! " More of an ultimatum, not a reconciliation in

the works. I told my husband I don't think he should call her. One: she may be

trying to draw us back into her web and two: she sounds like she wants to

threaten him and show her power over us.

Let's face it, we can't talk this out with her. She's on her own little

miserable planet.

>

> > **

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > This is all to her own detriment. . . you helping her so much and then

> > kicking you out like that is so strange I'm thankful that BPD explains it

> > all. My grandfather, whom I believe had BPD did the same thing as he neared

> > death. He was a TERRIBLE person to be around and at the time I didn't know

> > what BPD was but all those behaviors exhibit it. My nada had to deal with

> > grandfada and she didn't do a very good job. Imagine a BPD trying to cope

> > with another BPD controlling, manipulating and accusing them of things like

> > stealing. J It is almost comical if it weren't so sad!

> >

> > Yes, NC is the easy way. I feel guilt about that - like I should just deal

> > with her now that I know about medium chill and not to take it personal.

> > But frankly, (I'm stealing this from a BPDfamily.com quote) my give-a-d*%m

> > is broken. LOL

> >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

My husband and I are extremely honest people maybe because we're also a bit

idealistic. We imagine how we would feel if we lost money in the grocery store

or if someone robbed us. There's no way we would want to put someone else

through that. So the accusations, subtle at first and now right in our face, is

pretty hurtful. We try to understand that this is a result of her mental decline

but it still hurts on some level. It affected my husband more than me. I get

annoyed with her comments but he actually had an anxiety attack from all of

this. I thought I'd have to take him to ER he was shaking so badly and

hyperventilating.

I'm sorry you went through the whole circus people/delusions things. We aren't

at that point yet. And I never thought about burying stuff in the yard. I don't

think she has the strength for it but then again, I don't really know what she's

capable of doing.

This morning she called early and left a msg insisting my husband call her. I

don't want to know what's going on with her now. It sounded more threatening

than wanting to work things out. It wouldn't surprise me if the police showed up

at our door. We tried contacting them but it went nowhere.

I'm tempted to scrape up everything she's given me (the things I kept any way)

and dump them on her doorstep. That would include everything from sweatshirts,

needlework, a sewing machine to an ugly ring she gave me to change/money that I

refuse to use. Every time I see this junk, I want to gag. Perhaps I'll get my

chance. A neighbor did that when my nada accused her of stealing.

Thanks for the phrase: BPD on steroids. LOL Love it.

irene

[Guest guest]

I agree: it does help to hear the experiences of others. It was so hard most of

my life feeling controlled by her, living in fear of her. Even as an adult I was

always afraid of what she would say or do if I didn't meet her expectations. It

put a lot of stress on our family life and in my relationship with my husband.

He kept saying that it seemed like nada took priority over everything else in

our own life. Looking back, he was right.

But reading the book (Eggshells) a couple years ago and then finding this group

has been a big help. I had a little flip of the stomach when the phone rang at

6:45 this morning. She's the only one that calls me that early. But then I

thought: no more. I'm done with this. I've spent years trying to make her happy,

cheer her up, help her and she keeps stabbing me in the back. I almost question

my own mental health that I was willing to keep going back for more.

There are agencies out there than can do the things she needs (transport, meals,

shopping, house cleaning) and if and when the time comes, there are homes for

the elderly that can watch over her. I don't have to be the one.

>

> The more posts I read the more I'm convinced there is a " Nada Handbook " ...

>

> They seem to do the same things, some more extreme than others. As an

> example, when we moved my mother to the city where we were living, I was at

> her apartment helping her unpack and she was spiraling into one of her

> rages...all directed at me. She wish she hadn't moved, she wish I hadn't

> been born, etc. She then hid my purse in a kitchen cabinet and when I was

> ready to leave I couldn't find my purse. When I asked her if she had seen

> it, she told me she had thrown it in the dumpster. So I was crawling

> around the dumpster looking for my purse. She finally told me where it

> was. She has also maintained that I kicked her five pound dog " across the

> kitchen floor " .

>

> So the lies, the rages, the " stealing " thingm the voicemails...from what I

> see this all seems to be symptomatic for the disorder.

>

> I don't know about you, but hearing others experiences has shed so much

> light on the bizarre and abusive nature of my mother. I'm finding it

> easier to detach knowing it's a disorder that has no cure. It sounds like

> you're reaching the same place.

>

> I used to feel some semblance of pity for my mother...even after the terror

> she inflicted on my for my entire life. That emotion, pity, is being

> replaced with emotionless recognition of who BPDs are.

>

> NC really seems to be the only answer as there is nothing we can do to help

> nadas. We have our own lives and husbands and children who need us to be

> there for them. We can't be 100% there for them when we are constantly

> climbing out of the hole our nadas throw us into.

>

> Sounds like you've had an epiphany...

>

>

>