New discovery... My mom is bpd

[Guest guest]

I just found out that my mom is bpd about a month ago. I guess I always knew

something was different about our relationship but my mother always kept me so

close that I wasn't able to see it. I have two great fears right now; 1) now

that I know she's sick I have to fix this dysfunction from my end. My therapist

says eventually the more boundaries and limits I set the further ill drive her

away, which would leave a huge void in my life. 2) I afraid that I don't really

know how to ave relationships that are normal because looking back, ALL but the

one I have with my husband have been severely dysfunctional and I always seem to

play the co-dependent. I never really cared before how uncomfortable and

unmanageable she made my life because it was only me that had to deal with it.

But now I have a 3 month old daughter of my own and I need to be the example.

For thanksgiving I invited my mom and her husband along with my in laws and my

father who flys solo. The last time I had seen my mom my husband had scolded her

for breaking the only rule we have for our daughter. That rule was not to smoke

cigs around her. She did and he held her accountable and I backed him up. She

acted fine over the phone but when she arrived to my house 2 1/2 hours late

acting with exaggerated pleasantness and overtly gregariousness I knew we were

all in trouble. She came bearing gifts, one in particular for my daughter from

my cousin who I'm in nc with because she's extremely unstable and dangerous. I

have told my mom a hundred times not to get in the middle of me and my cousin.

Time and time again she does just that. She brought me this gift and now I feel

obligated to thank my psycho cousin that I've been trying to avoid. My husband

told me to throw the gift away because of what it signifies and not to say

anything to anyone. He says I don't owe my cousin anything, I'm going to do what

he says even though it feels funny because I've tried my ways and they don't

work. I always get sucked back into the tornado. Back to thanksgiving; so my mom

and I are in the kitchen in the final countdown (the last hour when everything

needs to be cooked) and my daughter called for some nursing time and I told my

mom that she was in charge and that I would send in help. 15 minutes later my

husband came up and asked me what needed to be cooked. I old him to ask my mom

and he said that he didn't know where she was. I finished up and came downstairs

and the only dish that my mom was working on was still sitting out on the

counter and needed to cook for 35 minutes. She walked in and asked what she

could do to help with a smirk on her face. I think she intentionally tried to

hurt me by screwing up my dinner. She kept asking me what was wrong trying to

initiate a fight in front of everyone and I deflected it until I found a moment

alone with her. I told her that I needed her to be reliable when she sets a time

to arrive and she gave me a hundred excuses. I told her that her bailing on her

responsibility to finish helping in the kitchen was unacceptable and I wouldn't

ask her to help in the future. She totally flipped out (of course) accusing me

of being unloving, cold and embarrassing her. She said to me that " I hadn't said

one nice thing to her since she had gotten to my house. " That statement alone

confirmed her diagnosis in my head. I calmly told her that it was not my

responsibility to complement her and make her feel better about herself. She

ranted and cried and threw herself up against the wall and demanded that I get

her purse because she was leaving out the back. I went in the house, grabbed her

purse and brought it out to her and she left after telling me it would be a long

time before we spoke again. I told her that I loved her and that I was not

asking her to do anything I wouldn't do myself or expect from anyone else. I

took a deep breathe, walked inside and served desert without my mom. My mother

in law asked if I was ok and my eyes welled up for a moment. But i was okay. It

was over, I was finally able to breathe and enjoy the rest of my evening without

discussing my mom or worrying about what she might do or say.

I still want my daughter to know her grandmother as long as it doesn't hurt her.

I'm sure it will eventually become dysfunctional. So my husband and I have

decided as a team to meet my mom for short visits in public so that she can see

my baby. I no longer want a relationship with my mom. I don't know what my life

looks like without her because we have been so close, me the parent her the kid.

But I'm looking forward to a more peaceful journey watching my little one laugh

and smile and grow into an amazing person. I am so thankful for my dad taking

charge of my childhood because if it wasn't for him I think I would have been

just as dysfunctional as my mom. *> Thank you Dad <*

[Guest guest]

Hi,

Thanks for sharing. I've also played the codependent role so I get what

that's like. You are absolutely right. You need to protect your daughter.

And you too! Your life will fill up with better things once you allow that

void to occur.

On Sat, Nov 24, 2012 at 11:03 PM, jessica.brock48 <

jessicaannebrock@...> wrote:

> **

>

>

> I just found out that my mom is bpd about a month ago. I guess I always

> knew something was different about our relationship but my mother always

> kept me so close that I wasn't able to see it. I have two great fears right

> now; 1) now that I know she's sick I have to fix this dysfunction from my

> end. My therapist says eventually the more boundaries and limits I set the

> further ill drive her away, which would leave a huge void in my life. 2) I

> afraid that I don't really know how to ave relationships that are normal

> because looking back, ALL but the one I have with my husband have been

> severely dysfunctional and I always seem to play the co-dependent. I never

> really cared before how uncomfortable and unmanageable she made my life

> because it was only me that had to deal with it. But now I have a 3 month

> old daughter of my own and I need to be the example.

>

> For thanksgiving I invited my mom and her husband along with my in laws

> and my father who flys solo. The last time I had seen my mom my husband had

> scolded her for breaking the only rule we have for our daughter. That rule

> was not to smoke cigs around her. She did and he held her accountable and I

> backed him up. She acted fine over the phone but when she arrived to my

> house 2 1/2 hours late acting with exaggerated pleasantness and overtly

> gregariousness I knew we were all in trouble. She came bearing gifts, one

> in particular for my daughter from my cousin who I'm in nc with because

> she's extremely unstable and dangerous. I have told my mom a hundred times

> not to get in the middle of me and my cousin. Time and time again she does

> just that. She brought me this gift and now I feel obligated to thank my

> psycho cousin that I've been trying to avoid. My husband told me to throw

> the gift away because of what it signifies and not to say anything to

> anyone. He says I don't owe my cousin anything, I'm going to do what he

> says even though it feels funny because I've tried my ways and they don't

> work. I always get sucked back into the tornado. Back to thanksgiving; so

> my mom and I are in the kitchen in the final countdown (the last hour when

> everything needs to be cooked) and my daughter called for some nursing time

> and I told my mom that she was in charge and that I would send in help. 15

> minutes later my husband came up and asked me what needed to be cooked. I

> old him to ask my mom and he said that he didn't know where she was. I

> finished up and came downstairs and the only dish that my mom was working

> on was still sitting out on the counter and needed to cook for 35 minutes.

> She walked in and asked what she could do to help with a smirk on her face.

> I think she intentionally tried to hurt me by screwing up my dinner. She

> kept asking me what was wrong trying to initiate a fight in front of

> everyone and I deflected it until I found a moment alone with her. I told

> her that I needed her to be reliable when she sets a time to arrive and she

> gave me a hundred excuses. I told her that her bailing on her

> responsibility to finish helping in the kitchen was unacceptable and I

> wouldn't ask her to help in the future. She totally flipped out (of course)

> accusing me of being unloving, cold and embarrassing her. She said to me

> that " I hadn't said one nice thing to her since she had gotten to my

> house. " That statement alone confirmed her diagnosis in my head. I calmly

> told her that it was not my responsibility to complement her and make her

> feel better about herself. She ranted and cried and threw herself up

> against the wall and demanded that I get her purse because she was leaving

> out the back. I went in the house, grabbed her purse and brought it out to

> her and she left after telling me it would be a long time before we spoke

> again. I told her that I loved her and that I was not asking her to do

> anything I wouldn't do myself or expect from anyone else. I took a deep

> breathe, walked inside and served desert without my mom. My mother in law

> asked if I was ok and my eyes welled up for a moment. But i was okay. It

> was over, I was finally able to breathe and enjoy the rest of my evening

> without discussing my mom or worrying about what she might do or say.

>

> I still want my daughter to know her grandmother as long as it doesn't

> hurt her. I'm sure it will eventually become dysfunctional. So my husband

> and I have decided as a team to meet my mom for short visits in public so

> that she can see my baby. I no longer want a relationship with my mom. I

> don't know what my life looks like without her because we have been so

> close, me the parent her the kid. But I'm looking forward to a more

> peaceful journey watching my little one laugh and smile and grow into an

> amazing person. I am so thankful for my dad taking charge of my childhood

> because if it wasn't for him I think I would have been just as

> dysfunctional as my mom. *> Thank you Dad <*

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Congratulations on standing up for your boundaries and making her

behavior known as unacceptable!! It is a great step for you to seek your

own best interests and listen to your husband who sounds like a GREAT person

to have in your corner. Good luck with LC and enjoy your wonderful baby.

[Guest guest]

Wow, , you're so far ahead of where I was in dealing with my BPD mother

when I found out what BPD was. You did GREAT in managing her train wreck!

Excellent medium chill, excellent emotional control of yourself, way to go to

refuse to trigger on the emotional bait thrown at you! You might want to

consider boundaries and what you will do when they are crossed. Map out a game

plan with your spouse. Don't cave and go back to being enmeshed! Now that you

set some boundaries the real crap comes…maintaining them against the onslaught

of drama/chaos/guilt/obligation/etc. Stay strong, best of luck! You have a

strong start. You saved the holiday for everyone, you did great great great!!!