New here

November 29, 2012

Hi,

I am new here. I have had an incredibly difficult relationship with my

mother-in-law for the last 18 years. My husband and I are finally in counseling

and it is helping. I am currently reading stop walking on eggshells and I see

many similarities. Ironically my mother-in-law has always accused me of this

and says I am entirely too sensitive and it's like walking on eggshells around

me because I refuse to take her constant criticisms. My husband has tried to

talk with her about her behavior (breaking boundaries) and this is usually when

she says she is thinking of taking her own life. She is angry at me for taking

her son away (she has actually said this to me and then if I mention it, she

doesn't remember ever saying it).

Our therapist says that she has been trying desperately to get her son back for

the last 18 years and that I just happen to be in the way. Our therapist

thought it might be a good idea for her to come in and we all sit down and talk.

My mother in law has now said that she is not the cause of our problems and our

problems are our own. Again, ironically, she is in horrible pain/depression and

feels abandoned (and she is claiming that all of this was caused by husband and

I).

At this point I just want to help my husband and my marriage. He feels like he

has never really felt any unconditional love from her and I can see him shut

down emotionally and withdraw. My mother-in-law goes back and forth between

sending him emails saying he means everything to her and then the next one says

she is basically washing her hands of him. It's so confusing for him and I

don't know how to help him.

I hope what I have written doesn't offend anyone. I am not assigning blame, We

need help! I just want to move on and get off this roller coaster. I would

appreciate any advice from any of you.

Thank you,

Sandy

November 30, 2012

Hello Sandy,

What you describe sounds so typical of women with BPD whose sons

and daughters have gotten married. They tend to not recognize

the right of their children to lead separate lives of their own

and they see the spouse as stealing their child away. People

here tell similar stories over and over. Has your therapist

talked to you at all about setting boundaries? It sounds like

she really gets to him and he could use some boundaries to help

him deal with her. If she has BPD she's not going to change for

the better.

At 09:09 AM 11/29/2012 sandy wrote:

>Hi,

> I am new here. I have had an incredibly difficult

> relationship with my mother-in-law for the last 18 years. My

> husband and I are finally in counseling and it is helping. I

> am currently reading stop walking on eggshells and I see many

> similarities. Ironically my mother-in-law has always accused

> me of this and says I am entirely too sensitive and it's like

> walking on eggshells around me because I refuse to take her

> constant criticisms. My husband has tried to talk with her

> about her behavior (breaking boundaries) and this is usually

> when she says she is thinking of taking her own life. She is

> angry at me for taking her son away (she has actually said

> this to me and then if I mention it, she doesn't remember ever

> saying it).

>

>Our therapist says that she has been trying desperately to get

>her son back for the last 18 years and that I just happen to be

>in the way. Our therapist thought it might be a good idea for

>her to come in and we all sit down and talk. My mother in law

>has now said that she is not the cause of our problems and our

>problems are our own. Again, ironically, she is in horrible

>pain/depression and feels abandoned (and she is claiming that

>all of this was caused by husband and I).

>

>At this point I just want to help my husband and my

>marriage. He feels like he has never really felt any

>unconditional love from her and I can see him shut down

>emotionally and withdraw. My mother-in-law goes back and forth

>between sending him emails saying he means everything to her

>and then the next one says she is basically washing her hands

>of him. It's so confusing for him and I don't know how to help

>him.

>

>I hope what I have written doesn't offend anyone. I am not

>assigning blame, We need help! I just want to move on and get

>off this roller coaster. I would appreciate any advice from any

>of you.

>Thank you,

>Sandy

--

Katrina

November 30, 2012

It may sound odd but in my case, what really helped me decide on total NC was

how nada treated my husband. At first she would occasionally share rude comments

about him to me. Then she would argue with him in our house. Then she would tell

me she hated him. I let all of this go, thinking it would not go any farther,

after all, I was quite accustomed (conditioned?) to her strange behaviors.

Then one night, while we were all together, she flew into a rage and started

screaming at him that she hated him. Then she actually started hitting him,

banging his chest with her fists, while yelling, " I hate you, I hate you.... " . I

will never forget that night. Then I knew I had to get away from her forever. My

husband very calmly walked away and told me that he would never speak to her

again or be in the same room as her.

It is kind of strange to think that I just accepted her abuse as a part of life,

and I didn't draw a line until she lashed out at my husband.

> >Hi,

> > I am new here. I have had an incredibly difficult

> > relationship with my mother-in-law for the last 18 years. My

> > husband and I are finally in counseling and it is helping. I

> > am currently reading stop walking on eggshells and I see many

> > similarities. Ironically my mother-in-law has always accused

> > me of this and says I am entirely too sensitive and it's like

> > walking on eggshells around me because I refuse to take her

> > constant criticisms. My husband has tried to talk with her

> > about her behavior (breaking boundaries) and this is usually

> > when she says she is thinking of taking her own life. She is

> > angry at me for taking her son away (she has actually said

> > this to me and then if I mention it, she doesn't remember ever

> > saying it).

> >

> >Our therapist says that she has been trying desperately to get

> >her son back for the last 18 years and that I just happen to be

> >in the way. Our therapist thought it might be a good idea for

> >her to come in and we all sit down and talk. My mother in law

> >has now said that she is not the cause of our problems and our

> >problems are our own. Again, ironically, she is in horrible

> >pain/depression and feels abandoned (and she is claiming that

> >all of this was caused by husband and I).

> >

> >At this point I just want to help my husband and my

> >marriage. He feels like he has never really felt any

> >unconditional love from her and I can see him shut down

> >emotionally and withdraw. My mother-in-law goes back and forth

> >between sending him emails saying he means everything to her

> >and then the next one says she is basically washing her hands

> >of him. It's so confusing for him and I don't know how to help

> >him.

> >

> >I hope what I have written doesn't offend anyone. I am not

> >assigning blame, We need help! I just want to move on and get

> >off this roller coaster. I would appreciate any advice from any

> >of you.

> >Thank you,

> >Sandy

>

> --

> Katrina

>

November 30, 2012

Wow, Sandy! It sure does sound like your mother-in-law may have BPD! I

don't think you've offended anyone by your comments. We have either

experienced similar situations or heard all about them on this board. I

would highly suggest to keep reading and have your husband do a lot of

reading too. Going to a counselor is a great idea and it may be best if she

doesn't go with you since she will most likely not be able to accept

responsibility for anything anyway.

I hope the other comments are helpful for you and I would recommend having

your husband read them too to help confirm her PD.

December 1, 2012

Katrina,

Thank you for the advice. I have been trying to set boundaries for the last

three years, and as I am sure you can guess, it has been going downhill for the

last three years. I have had her come over unannounced and say I know I am not

supposed to just stop over, but here I am. I have finally decided about 6

months ago to have almost no contact with her what so ever. And now things have

escalated. I have rejected her/abandoned her; I have caused her tremendous pain.

And now she wrote an email begging that children not be turned against her.

Quite frankly, I am just so tired of it all. This isn't even really my parent,

it's an in-law.

In reading I am learning that people often times either emotionally leave or

physically leave. My father-in-law and husband emotionally left a long time

ago. They are numb to it all. I don't cope with things the same way and I had

to physically leave. I have never seen my father-in-law really show any real

emotion at all. He has boundaries galore and doesn't let anyone in. I however,

am blamed for being so heartless.

As far as my husband goes, I think he is in a lot of denial. I have read

him things from the stop walking on egg shells book and he agrees it totally

sounds like her but doesn't really want to talk about it. She lays a tremendous

amount of guilt on him and he feels responsible for her pain and gives in almost

every time. He says he knows its wrong but still does it anyways. (How do I

deal with that?) Our therapist says that he is dealing with a lot of anger and

shame from his childhood and it keeps coming out now and is hurting our

marriage. Even when his anger has nothing to do with me (work problems) he

still takes it out on me.

I am trying but don't know how much more I can take.