Guest guest Posted November 30, 2012 Report Share Posted November 30, 2012 I just found you guys, so I'm hesitant to post anything, but thought I should ask the group's permission and insight to see if I belong here--so I don't waste your time. I haven't spoken with my parent in several months, after receiving a splurge of emails with messages like, " who do you think you are--you don't care about me--shame on you--have a good life---I hope you get everything you want--I'm done--you didn't do this for me, treat me that way, introduce me to those people--you're not the good person I thought you were, you're embarrassed of me, etc. " I've received an email similar to this every couple of weeks, for the past 4-5 months. I have heard this language and rhetoric since I was a baby (I'm now 40). Not wanting to engage, my initial response was, " I don't have the tools to respond to someone who treats me this way. I need time. " My younger sister reflected on my wedding (July), and sighed. " I can't believe we made it through without a scene! With her, it's not if it happens, it's when. You know it's going to happen, you just have no idea what will set it off. " I was introduced to BPD recently, and have been doing some web research and reflecting to see how true this could be. I can check to yes to every symptom, except suicide, self-mutilation. Generally, grandiosity with devaluation, extreme bursts of anger and crying, usually in public, lots of self-pity, sweeping statements of loneliness & abandonment (I miss my mother so much), grouping behaviors of people (they'll just sit there and I'll do everything, like always), and molding her emotions to fit the facts, even when they aren't true. After receiving the first email, I stayed in bed for four days. On the fifth, I woke up in a panic, an actual physical panic. I called friends, someone took me to an AA meeting, which lead to an Al-Anon meeting, then I spent the rest of the day in bed. I decided that I can't live like that and started to reach out for help, find coping mechanisms and have now started the road towards understanding this disorder. Is this story similar to others in this group? How are you dealing with this person, and yourself? I feel a little ashamed for thinking these horrible things about my parent, or maybe I'm avoiding or deflecting. But it also feels relieving to name it, so that I don't take it personally. Truth be known, I'm also confused. If I can't take the hurtful comments personally, does that mean that I can't take the loving comments personally, too? I respectfully thank you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 30, 2012 Report Share Posted November 30, 2012 Hello SteveM, It does indeed sound like you belong here. Your sister's comment about not knowing what will set her off is spot on for many of us. I refer to my nada (that's the word we use for our unmotherly mothers) as an unstable bomb. We know she's going to explode but we don't know what will cause the explosion or when it will happen. Having a name for what is wrong helps a lot in my experience as does having other people to talk to who understand what you're talking about. Now that you know what you're dealing with you can start making use of various strategies for dealing with it. One of the most useful is to come up with some boundaries. Boundaries consist of two parts. The first is line in the sand defining what you will and won't put up with. The second is a decision about how you're going to handle it when the line is crossed. Some people make the mistake of thinking that boundaries are rules for the other person to follow. They aren't. Boundaries are for you, not anyone else. They let you take action when others do inappropriate things. To give you an example, one of my boundaries is that my nada is not allowed to bad-mouth various other people to me. When she starts to say nasty things about my sister, either of her ex-husbands, or anyone else I know and care about, I tell her that we're not going to discuss that subject. If she continues I hang up the phone or get up and leave. I can't make her stop saying those things but I can prevent myself from having to listen to them. Recognizing that the only person you can change is yourself is very useful. You can't change others but you can change how you react to them. At 01:04 PM 11/30/2012 SteveM wrote: >I just found you guys, so I'm hesitant to post anything, but >thought I should ask the group's permission and insight to see >if I belong here--so I don't waste your time. > >I haven't spoken with my parent in several months, after >receiving a splurge of emails with messages like, " who do you >think you are--you don't care about me--shame on you--have a >good life---I hope you get everything you want--I'm done--you >didn't do this for me, treat me that way, introduce me to those >people--you're not the good person I thought you were, you're >embarrassed of me, etc. " > >I've received an email similar to this every couple of weeks, >for the past 4-5 months. I have heard this language and >rhetoric since I was a baby (I'm now 40). Not wanting to >engage, my initial response was, " I don't have the tools to >respond to someone who treats me this way. I need time. " > >My younger sister reflected on my wedding (July), and sighed. > " I can't believe we made it through without a scene! With her, >it's not if it happens, it's when. You know it's going to >happen, you just have no idea what will set it off. " > >I was introduced to BPD recently, and have been doing some web >research and reflecting to see how true this could be. I can >check to yes to every symptom, except suicide, self-mutilation. >Generally, grandiosity with devaluation, extreme bursts of >anger and crying, usually in public, lots of self-pity, >sweeping statements of loneliness & abandonment (I miss my >mother so much), grouping behaviors of people (they'll just sit >there and I'll do everything, like always), and molding her >emotions to fit the facts, even when they aren't true. > >After receiving the first email, I stayed in bed for four days. >On the fifth, I woke up in a panic, an actual physical panic. I >called friends, someone took me to an AA meeting, which lead to >an Al-Anon meeting, then I spent the rest of the day in bed. I >decided that I can't live like that and started to reach out >for help, find coping mechanisms and have now started the road >towards understanding this disorder. > >Is this story similar to others in this group? How are you >dealing with this person, and yourself? I feel a little ashamed >for thinking these horrible things about my parent, or maybe >I'm avoiding or deflecting. But it also feels relieving to >name it, so that I don't take it personally. Truth be known, >I'm also confused. If I can't take the hurtful comments >personally, does that mean that I can't take the loving >comments personally, too? > >I respectfully thank you. > -- Katrina Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 30, 2012 Report Share Posted November 30, 2012 welcome! Sorry for the reason you're here but glad to have you here. > ** > > > Hello SteveM, > It does indeed sound like you belong here. Your sister's comment > about not knowing what will set her off is spot on for many of > us. I refer to my nada (that's the word we use for our > unmotherly mothers) as an unstable bomb. We know she's going to > explode but we don't know what will cause the explosion or when > it will happen. > > Having a name for what is wrong helps a lot in my experience as > does having other people to talk to who understand what you're > talking about. Now that you know what you're dealing with you > can start making use of various strategies for dealing with it. > One of the most useful is to come up with some boundaries. > Boundaries consist of two parts. The first is line in the sand > defining what you will and won't put up with. The second is a > decision about how you're going to handle it when the line is > crossed. Some people make the mistake of thinking that > boundaries are rules for the other person to follow. They > aren't. Boundaries are for you, not anyone else. They let you > take action when others do inappropriate things. To give you an > example, one of my boundaries is that my nada is not allowed to > bad-mouth various other people to me. When she starts to say > nasty things about my sister, either of her ex-husbands, or > anyone else I know and care about, I tell her that we're not > going to discuss that subject. If she continues I hang up the > phone or get up and leave. I can't make her stop saying those > things but I can prevent myself from having to listen to them. > Recognizing that the only person you can change is yourself is > very useful. You can't change others but you can change how you > react to them. > > > At 01:04 PM 11/30/2012 SteveM wrote: > >I just found you guys, so I'm hesitant to post anything, but > >thought I should ask the group's permission and insight to see > >if I belong here--so I don't waste your time. > > > >I haven't spoken with my parent in several months, after > >receiving a splurge of emails with messages like, " who do you > >think you are--you don't care about me--shame on you--have a > >good life---I hope you get everything you want--I'm done--you > >didn't do this for me, treat me that way, introduce me to those > >people--you're not the good person I thought you were, you're > >embarrassed of me, etc. " > > > >I've received an email similar to this every couple of weeks, > >for the past 4-5 months. I have heard this language and > >rhetoric since I was a baby (I'm now 40). Not wanting to > >engage, my initial response was, " I don't have the tools to > >respond to someone who treats me this way. I need time. " > > > >My younger sister reflected on my wedding (July), and sighed. > > " I can't believe we made it through without a scene! With her, > >it's not if it happens, it's when. You know it's going to > >happen, you just have no idea what will set it off. " > > > >I was introduced to BPD recently, and have been doing some web > >research and reflecting to see how true this could be. I can > >check to yes to every symptom, except suicide, self-mutilation. > >Generally, grandiosity with devaluation, extreme bursts of > >anger and crying, usually in public, lots of self-pity, > >sweeping statements of loneliness & abandonment (I miss my > >mother so much), grouping behaviors of people (they'll just sit > >there and I'll do everything, like always), and molding her > >emotions to fit the facts, even when they aren't true. > > > >After receiving the first email, I stayed in bed for four days. > >On the fifth, I woke up in a panic, an actual physical panic. I > >called friends, someone took me to an AA meeting, which lead to > >an Al-Anon meeting, then I spent the rest of the day in bed. I > >decided that I can't live like that and started to reach out > >for help, find coping mechanisms and have now started the road > >towards understanding this disorder. > > > >Is this story similar to others in this group? How are you > >dealing with this person, and yourself? I feel a little ashamed > >for thinking these horrible things about my parent, or maybe > >I'm avoiding or deflecting. But it also feels relieving to > >name it, so that I don't take it personally. Truth be known, > >I'm also confused. If I can't take the hurtful comments > >personally, does that mean that I can't take the loving > >comments personally, too? > > > >I respectfully thank you. > > > > -- > Katrina > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 30, 2012 Report Share Posted November 30, 2012 Amen, Katrina... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 1, 2012 Report Share Posted December 1, 2012 Thank you for responding and giving some initial tools to use as I progress forward. Thank you for reminding me that boundaries are for me, and that i can only control me, change me, my reactions. Yes, I do have responsibility in the relationship, or as other groups state, " my part " --even if my part is how I let Nada's behavior affect me, how much I carry resentments around, how I react to comments and situations, or where I set boundaries. While it is important for me to learn quite a bit more, I want to make sure that I'm focusing on solutions. Now that I feel affirmed that I'm in the right place, and hence not alone (thank you), I think I'll be quiet and listen for a while. This will also give me time to learn the language, the format and general navigation of this site. Thank you very much. I will start researching literature, and maybe a real time (face to face group) in my area. > >I just found you guys, so I'm hesitant to post anything, but > >thought I should ask the group's permission and insight to see > >if I belong here--so I don't waste your time. > > > >I haven't spoken with my parent in several months, after > >receiving a splurge of emails with messages like, " who do you > >think you are--you don't care about me--shame on you--have a > >good life---I hope you get everything you want--I'm done--you > >didn't do this for me, treat me that way, introduce me to those > >people--you're not the good person I thought you were, you're > >embarrassed of me, etc. " > > > >I've received an email similar to this every couple of weeks, > >for the past 4-5 months. I have heard this language and > >rhetoric since I was a baby (I'm now 40). Not wanting to > >engage, my initial response was, " I don't have the tools to > >respond to someone who treats me this way. I need time. " > > > >My younger sister reflected on my wedding (July), and sighed. > > " I can't believe we made it through without a scene! With her, > >it's not if it happens, it's when. You know it's going to > >happen, you just have no idea what will set it off. " > > > >I was introduced to BPD recently, and have been doing some web > >research and reflecting to see how true this could be. I can > >check to yes to every symptom, except suicide, self-mutilation. > >Generally, grandiosity with devaluation, extreme bursts of > >anger and crying, usually in public, lots of self-pity, > >sweeping statements of loneliness & abandonment (I miss my > >mother so much), grouping behaviors of people (they'll just sit > >there and I'll do everything, like always), and molding her > >emotions to fit the facts, even when they aren't true. > > > >After receiving the first email, I stayed in bed for four days. > >On the fifth, I woke up in a panic, an actual physical panic. I > >called friends, someone took me to an AA meeting, which lead to > >an Al-Anon meeting, then I spent the rest of the day in bed. I > >decided that I can't live like that and started to reach out > >for help, find coping mechanisms and have now started the road > >towards understanding this disorder. > > > >Is this story similar to others in this group? How are you > >dealing with this person, and yourself? I feel a little ashamed > >for thinking these horrible things about my parent, or maybe > >I'm avoiding or deflecting. But it also feels relieving to > >name it, so that I don't take it personally. Truth be known, > >I'm also confused. If I can't take the hurtful comments > >personally, does that mean that I can't take the loving > >comments personally, too? > > > >I respectfully thank you. > > > > -- > Katrina > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 1, 2012 Report Share Posted December 1, 2012 Hello Steve, I am new here but I wanted to say that seeing a therapist has really helped me. I think when we are emotionally attached to someone, it's hard to see things clearly. I think that what we think maybe normal, may not be normal in the therapists eyes. Maybe talking to someone about it will help. Sandy > > >I just found you guys, so I'm hesitant to post anything, but > > >thought I should ask the group's permission and insight to see > > >if I belong here--so I don't waste your time. > > > > > >I haven't spoken with my parent in several months, after > > >receiving a splurge of emails with messages like, " who do you > > >think you are--you don't care about me--shame on you--have a > > >good life---I hope you get everything you want--I'm done--you > > >didn't do this for me, treat me that way, introduce me to those > > >people--you're not the good person I thought you were, you're > > >embarrassed of me, etc. " > > > > > >I've received an email similar to this every couple of weeks, > > >for the past 4-5 months. I have heard this language and > > >rhetoric since I was a baby (I'm now 40). Not wanting to > > >engage, my initial response was, " I don't have the tools to > > >respond to someone who treats me this way. I need time. " > > > > > >My younger sister reflected on my wedding (July), and sighed. > > > " I can't believe we made it through without a scene! With her, > > >it's not if it happens, it's when. You know it's going to > > >happen, you just have no idea what will set it off. " > > > > > >I was introduced to BPD recently, and have been doing some web > > >research and reflecting to see how true this could be. I can > > >check to yes to every symptom, except suicide, self-mutilation. > > >Generally, grandiosity with devaluation, extreme bursts of > > >anger and crying, usually in public, lots of self-pity, > > >sweeping statements of loneliness & abandonment (I miss my > > >mother so much), grouping behaviors of people (they'll just sit > > >there and I'll do everything, like always), and molding her > > >emotions to fit the facts, even when they aren't true. > > > > > >After receiving the first email, I stayed in bed for four days. > > >On the fifth, I woke up in a panic, an actual physical panic. I > > >called friends, someone took me to an AA meeting, which lead to > > >an Al-Anon meeting, then I spent the rest of the day in bed. I > > >decided that I can't live like that and started to reach out > > >for help, find coping mechanisms and have now started the road > > >towards understanding this disorder. > > > > > >Is this story similar to others in this group? How are you > > >dealing with this person, and yourself? I feel a little ashamed > > >for thinking these horrible things about my parent, or maybe > > >I'm avoiding or deflecting. But it also feels relieving to > > >name it, so that I don't take it personally. Truth be known, > > >I'm also confused. If I can't take the hurtful comments > > >personally, does that mean that I can't take the loving > > >comments personally, too? > > > > > >I respectfully thank you. > > > > > > > -- > > Katrina > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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