New to the group – and in a really tough spot

[Guest guest]

Hi everyone – I've been reading the posts on here for a couple of months, but

never really posted anything up til now. I've really been amazed at how similar

a lot of the stories and feelings have been to my own, to varying degrees of

abuse – I'm pretty sure my mother is an HF BPD, so I grew up very confused,

hearing how wonderful she is from everyone else while she would come home and

drain all of us around her. There was no such thing as a real compliment from

her (or from Fada, for that matter) – there was almost always what Jeni

called a " psycho sandwich " – a compliment followed by an insult, possibly with

another compliment thrown in afterwards. She worked exclusively with guilt and

martyrdom, never assigning any real responsibility but making on-the-spot

demands for anything around the house, and it was always changing. She stepped

in and wrecked my early dating life by calling up the parent of the girl I had a

crush on and TELLING THEM about it. And worst of all, she was a source of

constant betrayal of any type of secret – she needed to impress everyone around

her more than she needed to protect me or my brother; we still can't tell her

anything.

At the most dire moments when I would need support, I would get a swift

emotional kick to the face ( " you've just been turned down for a date – maybe you

deserved it " ). When I figured out she was a borderline personality and

confronted her about it a while ago, her answer was " if anyone's a borderline

personality around here, it's YOU! " Fada was equally impatient – I was

constantly " tested " as a kid, and anytime I wasn't doing something fast enough

or perfectly enough, he would grab it away from me with a " gimme that! " ; this

happened HUNDREDS of times, and I became convinced that the right thing to do

was to give up on myself. On top of that, he spent most of his time at home

either asleep or pretending to be asleep, I'm honestly not sure which.

I think that as a result, I've had a life-long battle with depression and

anxiety, and was completely convinced for a while that I was just " defective "

somehow – I still have trouble with that. I feel so out of place with " normal "

people, who had loving parents, and it feels like it's becoming increasingly

apparent to people around me that there's something " wrong " with me.

I'm in a pretty rough spot right now – basically as a result of some pretty poor

life choices that I really thought were the right thing to do. I went back to

school to get into a new career that I was convinced would be great for me, but

I was so hell-bent on doing it that I never put together that I wasn't

particularly good at it during school, and as a result have come out 6 years

later with another failed career and a never-decreasing student debt of about

$90,000! I lost confidence in myself at my last job after allowing myself to be

gradually worn down by my supervisor (I was his first attempt at having someone

to work with him, and he was the most negative, temperamental guy in the

office), then quit when the company reneged on benefits they had promised me in

writing. Quitting your job means no unemployment benefits, so I'm eating up my

savings at a pretty quick rate, even with a part-time job.

On top of all this, I'm almost 36 and still single; just broke up with my

girlfriend of 7 months when I saw her rage at her nephew who was misbehaving and

threw him out the patio door into the freezing cold weather, slamming the door

behind him – it all clicked that I was dating a woman with severe anger issues

who was also incredibly controlling, and couldn't see a future with her anymore.

I have so many problems trusting women, and seem to choose women who are pretty

goddamn crazy, out of some neurotic need to be controlled or date someone like

Nada. I haven't ever had a long-term relationship, and it feels like the window

to meet someone is closing.

I feel like I'm SO FAR BEHIND where I should be in life, and in such a deep hole

professionally, financially and emotionally that I don't know how to crawl out.

I feel so powerless in my life, and I'm so tired of feeling that way, but don't

know how to get that power. I'm working through " Surviving a Borderline

Parent " , which is helping some, and going to therapy every other week, but am

getting short on funds. It's all one big weight on me, and I don't know where

to start – I could really use some advice...

- KS

[Guest guest]

Thanks for sharing. I really feel your anguish. Wish I knew how to help!

> **

>

>

> Hi everyone – I've been reading the posts on here for a couple of months,

> but never really posted anything up til now. I've really been amazed at how

> similar a lot of the stories and feelings have been to my own, to varying

> degrees of abuse – I'm pretty sure my mother is an HF BPD, so I grew up

> very confused, hearing how wonderful she is from everyone else while she

> would come home and drain all of us around her. There was no such thing as

> a real compliment from her (or from Fada, for that matter) – there was

> almost always what Jeni called a " psycho sandwich " – a compliment

> followed by an insult, possibly with another compliment thrown in

> afterwards. She worked exclusively with guilt and martyrdom, never

> assigning any real responsibility but making on-the-spot demands for

> anything around the house, and it was always changing. She stepped in and

> wrecked my early dating life by calling up the parent of the girl I had a

> crush on and TELLING THEM about it. And worst of all, she was a source of

> constant betrayal of any type of secret – she needed to impress everyone

> around her more than she needed to protect me or my brother; we still can't

> tell her anything.

>

> At the most dire moments when I would need support, I would get a swift

> emotional kick to the face ( " you've just been turned down for a date –

> maybe you deserved it " ). When I figured out she was a borderline

> personality and confronted her about it a while ago, her answer was " if

> anyone's a borderline personality around here, it's YOU! " Fada was equally

> impatient – I was constantly " tested " as a kid, and anytime I wasn't doing

> something fast enough or perfectly enough, he would grab it away from me

> with a " gimme that! " ; this happened HUNDREDS of times, and I became

> convinced that the right thing to do was to give up on myself. On top of

> that, he spent most of his time at home either asleep or pretending to be

> asleep, I'm honestly not sure which.

>

> I think that as a result, I've had a life-long battle with depression and

> anxiety, and was completely convinced for a while that I was just

> " defective " somehow – I still have trouble with that. I feel so out of

> place with " normal " people, who had loving parents, and it feels like it's

> becoming increasingly apparent to people around me that there's something

> " wrong " with me.

>

> I'm in a pretty rough spot right now – basically as a result of some

> pretty poor life choices that I really thought were the right thing to do.

> I went back to school to get into a new career that I was convinced would

> be great for me, but I was so hell-bent on doing it that I never put

> together that I wasn't particularly good at it during school, and as a

> result have come out 6 years later with another failed career and a

> never-decreasing student debt of about $90,000! I lost confidence in myself

> at my last job after allowing myself to be gradually worn down by my

> supervisor (I was his first attempt at having someone to work with him, and

> he was the most negative, temperamental guy in the office), then quit when

> the company reneged on benefits they had promised me in writing. Quitting

> your job means no unemployment benefits, so I'm eating up my savings at a

> pretty quick rate, even with a part-time job.

>

> On top of all this, I'm almost 36 and still single; just broke up with my

> girlfriend of 7 months when I saw her rage at her nephew who was

> misbehaving and threw him out the patio door into the freezing cold

> weather, slamming the door behind him – it all clicked that I was dating a

> woman with severe anger issues who was also incredibly controlling, and

> couldn't see a future with her anymore. I have so many problems trusting

> women, and seem to choose women who are pretty goddamn crazy, out of some

> neurotic need to be controlled or date someone like Nada. I haven't ever

> had a long-term relationship, and it feels like the window to meet someone

> is closing.

>

> I feel like I'm SO FAR BEHIND where I should be in life, and in such a

> deep hole professionally, financially and emotionally that I don't know how

> to crawl out. I feel so powerless in my life, and I'm so tired of feeling

> that way, but don't know how to get that power. I'm working through

> " Surviving a Borderline Parent " , which is helping some, and going to

> therapy every other week, but am getting short on funds. It's all one big

> weight on me, and I don't know where to start – I could really use some

> advice...

>

> - KS

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi KS,

I am very new to this group but your story really sounds a lot like ours. I

am sorry to hear what you are going through. I know how tough it is watching my

husband go through some of the exact same things you have described. I think he

has so many great qualities but sometimes he just loathes himself and feels so

unworthy. Our therapist says my husband is dealing with a lot of shame. When

children grow up being constantly criticized, they believe they are bad. She

recommend the book " Healing the Shame that binds you " . Maybe reading it will

help you. I am currently reading " Toxic Parents " , that one may help you too.

I agree with you that we do often pick partners that resemble our parents.

We do this because if we can get them to love us, then we can feel as though we

have fixed that broken relationship from our childhood and prove to ourselves

that we can be loved. Also, when we pick someone dysfunctional, they are less

likely to leave us. Just knowing these things helps us pick better partners.

You deserve to be loved, in a healthy way. Don't give up, keep trying. *Hugs*

Sandy

>

> Hi everyone – I've been reading the posts on here for a couple of months, but

never really posted anything up til now. I've really been amazed at how similar

a lot of the stories and feelings have been to my own, to varying degrees of

abuse – I'm pretty sure my mother is an HF BPD, so I grew up very confused,

hearing how wonderful she is from everyone else while she would come home and

drain all of us around her. There was no such thing as a real compliment from

her (or from Fada, for that matter) – there was almost always what Jeni

called a " psycho sandwich " – a compliment followed by an insult, possibly with

another compliment thrown in afterwards. She worked exclusively with guilt and

martyrdom, never assigning any real responsibility but making on-the-spot

demands for anything around the house, and it was always changing. She stepped

in and wrecked my early dating life by calling up the parent of the girl I had a

crush on and TELLING THEM about it. And worst of all, she was a source of

constant betrayal of any type of secret – she needed to impress everyone around

her more than she needed to protect me or my brother; we still can't tell her

anything.

>

> At the most dire moments when I would need support, I would get a swift

emotional kick to the face ( " you've just been turned down for a date – maybe you

deserved it " ). When I figured out she was a borderline personality and

confronted her about it a while ago, her answer was " if anyone's a borderline

personality around here, it's YOU! " Fada was equally impatient – I was

constantly " tested " as a kid, and anytime I wasn't doing something fast enough

or perfectly enough, he would grab it away from me with a " gimme that! " ; this

happened HUNDREDS of times, and I became convinced that the right thing to do

was to give up on myself. On top of that, he spent most of his time at home

either asleep or pretending to be asleep, I'm honestly not sure which.

>

> I think that as a result, I've had a life-long battle with depression and

anxiety, and was completely convinced for a while that I was just " defective "

somehow – I still have trouble with that. I feel so out of place with " normal "

people, who had loving parents, and it feels like it's becoming increasingly

apparent to people around me that there's something " wrong " with me.

>

> I'm in a pretty rough spot right now – basically as a result of some pretty

poor life choices that I really thought were the right thing to do. I went

back to school to get into a new career that I was convinced would be great for

me, but I was so hell-bent on doing it that I never put together that I wasn't

particularly good at it during school, and as a result have come out 6 years

later with another failed career and a never-decreasing student debt of about

$90,000! I lost confidence in myself at my last job after allowing myself to be

gradually worn down by my supervisor (I was his first attempt at having someone

to work with him, and he was the most negative, temperamental guy in the

office), then quit when the company reneged on benefits they had promised me in

writing. Quitting your job means no unemployment benefits, so I'm eating up my

savings at a pretty quick rate, even with a part-time job.

>

> On top of all this, I'm almost 36 and still single; just broke up with my

girlfriend of 7 months when I saw her rage at her nephew who was misbehaving and

threw him out the patio door into the freezing cold weather, slamming the door

behind him – it all clicked that I was dating a woman with severe anger issues

who was also incredibly controlling, and couldn't see a future with her anymore.

I have so many problems trusting women, and seem to choose women who are pretty

goddamn crazy, out of some neurotic need to be controlled or date someone like

Nada. I haven't ever had a long-term relationship, and it feels like the window

to meet someone is closing.

>

> I feel like I'm SO FAR BEHIND where I should be in life, and in such a deep

hole professionally, financially and emotionally that I don't know how to crawl

out. I feel so powerless in my life, and I'm so tired of feeling that way, but

don't know how to get that power. I'm working through " Surviving a Borderline

Parent " , which is helping some, and going to therapy every other week, but am

getting short on funds. It's all one big weight on me, and I don't know where

to start – I could really use some advice...

>

> - KS

>

[Guest guest]

Hey KS,

it sounds like you've spotted it and speared yourself years of unhappiness, and

more, you've avoided spreading the pain to another generation had you married

this person and had children with her.

I realize this doesn't do much in the way of solving your " tough spot " nor does

it help to make you feel less lonely in such a time of need but you've caught it

in time and made a courageous decision. That sounds to me like a healthy

beginning to making valuable changes in your life.

Stay courageous, it's at least helping you to cut your loses.

Cyber hug,

C.

>

> Hi everyone – I've been reading the posts on here for a couple of months, but

never really posted anything up til now. I've really been amazed at how similar

a lot of the stories and feelings have been to my own, to varying degrees of

abuse – I'm pretty sure my mother is an HF BPD, so I grew up very confused,

hearing how wonderful she is from everyone else while she would come home and

drain all of us around her. There was no such thing as a real compliment from

her (or from Fada, for that matter) – there was almost always what Jeni

called a " psycho sandwich " – a compliment followed by an insult, possibly with

another compliment thrown in afterwards. She worked exclusively with guilt and

martyrdom, never assigning any real responsibility but making on-the-spot

demands for anything around the house, and it was always changing. She stepped

in and wrecked my early dating life by calling up the parent of the girl I had a

crush on and TELLING THEM about it. And worst of all, she was a source of

constant betrayal of any type of secret – she needed to impress everyone around

her more than she needed to protect me or my brother; we still can't tell her

anything.

>

> At the most dire moments when I would need support, I would get a swift

emotional kick to the face ( " you've just been turned down for a date – maybe you

deserved it " ). When I figured out she was a borderline personality and

confronted her about it a while ago, her answer was " if anyone's a borderline

personality around here, it's YOU! " Fada was equally impatient – I was

constantly " tested " as a kid, and anytime I wasn't doing something fast enough

or perfectly enough, he would grab it away from me with a " gimme that! " ; this

happened HUNDREDS of times, and I became convinced that the right thing to do

was to give up on myself. On top of that, he spent most of his time at home

either asleep or pretending to be asleep, I'm honestly not sure which.

>

> I think that as a result, I've had a life-long battle with depression and

anxiety, and was completely convinced for a while that I was just " defective "

somehow – I still have trouble with that. I feel so out of place with " normal "

people, who had loving parents, and it feels like it's becoming increasingly

apparent to people around me that there's something " wrong " with me.

>

> I'm in a pretty rough spot right now – basically as a result of some pretty

poor life choices that I really thought were the right thing to do. I went

back to school to get into a new career that I was convinced would be great for

me, but I was so hell-bent on doing it that I never put together that I wasn't

particularly good at it during school, and as a result have come out 6 years

later with another failed career and a never-decreasing student debt of about

$90,000! I lost confidence in myself at my last job after allowing myself to be

gradually worn down by my supervisor (I was his first attempt at having someone

to work with him, and he was the most negative, temperamental guy in the

office), then quit when the company reneged on benefits they had promised me in

writing. Quitting your job means no unemployment benefits, so I'm eating up my

savings at a pretty quick rate, even with a part-time job.

>

> On top of all this, I'm almost 36 and still single; just broke up with my

girlfriend of 7 months when I saw her rage at her nephew who was misbehaving and

threw him out the patio door into the freezing cold weather, slamming the door

behind him – it all clicked that I was dating a woman with severe anger issues

who was also incredibly controlling, and couldn't see a future with her anymore.

I have so many problems trusting women, and seem to choose women who are pretty

goddamn crazy, out of some neurotic need to be controlled or date someone like

Nada. I haven't ever had a long-term relationship, and it feels like the window

to meet someone is closing.

>

> I feel like I'm SO FAR BEHIND where I should be in life, and in such a deep

hole professionally, financially and emotionally that I don't know how to crawl

out. I feel so powerless in my life, and I'm so tired of feeling that way, but

don't know how to get that power. I'm working through " Surviving a Borderline

Parent " , which is helping some, and going to therapy every other week, but am

getting short on funds. It's all one big weight on me, and I don't know where

to start – I could really use some advice...

>

> - KS

>

[Guest guest]

Oh, I wish I could give you advice, but I'm just trying to figure out what to do

myself.

I know what you mean about being far behind in life. I'm 28 years old and still

live with my Nada, because I am the only one in her life who has stayed with

her. Everyone else is gone. I feel too guilty to leave her since she would be

all by herself. However, I want to leave so badly but I don't have a job. I'm in

grad school and am almost finished and I so desperately want to leave after I

graduate.

I also am behind on things like relationships. I've never had a boyfriend and

have only been on like, 3 dates total. I feel like I don't even know how to have

a relationship because my parents' relationship was terrible. I literally don't

know what to do with a person in a relationship because I have been trying deep

down to hide myself from pain, as I have had to do with my mother all of my

life.

I think it's good that you're recognizing things though, like with your

girlfriend. Not everyone sees that stuff when it's happening in front of them.

It may feel discouraging because you want to be with someone and it turns out

the somehow you're with is a lot like your Nada, but at least you noticed it. I

think that's good, although it's not very comforting at all, I know.

I'm very sorry for all of this. I really, really am.

>

> Hi everyone – I've been reading the posts on here for a couple of months, but

never really posted anything up til now. I've really been amazed at how similar

a lot of the stories and feelings have been to my own, to varying degrees of

abuse – I'm pretty sure my mother is an HF BPD, so I grew up very confused,

hearing how wonderful she is from everyone else while she would come home and

drain all of us around her. There was no such thing as a real compliment from

her (or from Fada, for that matter) – there was almost always what Jeni

called a " psycho sandwich " – a compliment followed by an insult, possibly with

another compliment thrown in afterwards. She worked exclusively with guilt and

martyrdom, never assigning any real responsibility but making on-the-spot

demands for anything around the house, and it was always changing. She stepped

in and wrecked my early dating life by calling up the parent of the girl I had a

crush on and TELLING THEM about it. And worst of all, she was a source of

constant betrayal of any type of secret – she needed to impress everyone around

her more than she needed to protect me or my brother; we still can't tell her

anything.

>

> At the most dire moments when I would need support, I would get a swift

emotional kick to the face ( " you've just been turned down for a date – maybe you

deserved it " ). When I figured out she was a borderline personality and

confronted her about it a while ago, her answer was " if anyone's a borderline

personality around here, it's YOU! " Fada was equally impatient – I was

constantly " tested " as a kid, and anytime I wasn't doing something fast enough

or perfectly enough, he would grab it away from me with a " gimme that! " ; this

happened HUNDREDS of times, and I became convinced that the right thing to do

was to give up on myself. On top of that, he spent most of his time at home

either asleep or pretending to be asleep, I'm honestly not sure which.

>

> I think that as a result, I've had a life-long battle with depression and

anxiety, and was completely convinced for a while that I was just " defective "

somehow – I still have trouble with that. I feel so out of place with " normal "

people, who had loving parents, and it feels like it's becoming increasingly

apparent to people around me that there's something " wrong " with me.

>

> I'm in a pretty rough spot right now – basically as a result of some pretty

poor life choices that I really thought were the right thing to do. I went

back to school to get into a new career that I was convinced would be great for

me, but I was so hell-bent on doing it that I never put together that I wasn't

particularly good at it during school, and as a result have come out 6 years

later with another failed career and a never-decreasing student debt of about

$90,000! I lost confidence in myself at my last job after allowing myself to be

gradually worn down by my supervisor (I was his first attempt at having someone

to work with him, and he was the most negative, temperamental guy in the

office), then quit when the company reneged on benefits they had promised me in

writing. Quitting your job means no unemployment benefits, so I'm eating up my

savings at a pretty quick rate, even with a part-time job.

>

> On top of all this, I'm almost 36 and still single; just broke up with my

girlfriend of 7 months when I saw her rage at her nephew who was misbehaving and

threw him out the patio door into the freezing cold weather, slamming the door

behind him – it all clicked that I was dating a woman with severe anger issues

who was also incredibly controlling, and couldn't see a future with her anymore.

I have so many problems trusting women, and seem to choose women who are pretty

goddamn crazy, out of some neurotic need to be controlled or date someone like

Nada. I haven't ever had a long-term relationship, and it feels like the window

to meet someone is closing.

>

> I feel like I'm SO FAR BEHIND where I should be in life, and in such a deep

hole professionally, financially and emotionally that I don't know how to crawl

out. I feel so powerless in my life, and I'm so tired of feeling that way, but

don't know how to get that power. I'm working through " Surviving a Borderline

Parent " , which is helping some, and going to therapy every other week, but am

getting short on funds. It's all one big weight on me, and I don't know where

to start – I could really use some advice...

>

> - KS

>

[Guest guest]

Hi KS,

Wow. That is a lot to handle, but you can do it. One step at a time. I have

felt so much anxiety over the course of my life due to the same things you are

talking about. It is finally subsiding as I have seen what my nada is and what

she did to me. I have a beautiful daughter. I cannot ever imagine doing to her

what was done to me. That has helped me see how bad what was done to me

actually is/was. That realization has helped me pick that girl up (me), brush

her off and tell her how great she is and why ALL THE TIME. I want to protect

her and re-raise her. Of course like you said, we may feel behind, so I have to

re-raise her quickly:). My anxiety has decreased so much and I never thought it

would go away. And like you, I now get mad at the people that deserve it. I am

taking a lot less crap from others. But I used to take crap from everyone

because of the way my nada treated me. I accepted NC from my nada recently, she

started it, I plan to keep it in place. It is a huge relief for me to say No to

the person that wants me to serve them and be their possession and put me down.

But all in all, I take all this one step at a time, one day at a time. For me,

the world is a lot less overwhelming that way and it all seems to work out ok.

Carolyn

>

> Hi everyone – I've been reading the posts on here for a couple of months, but

never really posted anything up til now. I've really been amazed at how similar

a lot of the stories and feelings have been to my own, to varying degrees of

abuse – I'm pretty sure my mother is an HF BPD, so I grew up very confused,

hearing how wonderful she is from everyone else while she would come home and

drain all of us around her. There was no such thing as a real compliment from

her (or from Fada, for that matter) – there was almost always what Jeni

called a " psycho sandwich " – a compliment followed by an insult, possibly with

another compliment thrown in afterwards. She worked exclusively with guilt and

martyrdom, never assigning any real responsibility but making on-the-spot

demands for anything around the house, and it was always changing. She stepped

in and wrecked my early dating life by calling up the parent of the girl I had a

crush on and TELLING THEM about it. And worst of all, she was a source of

constant betrayal of any type of secret – she needed to impress everyone around

her more than she needed to protect me or my brother; we still can't tell her

anything.

>

> At the most dire moments when I would need support, I would get a swift

emotional kick to the face ( " you've just been turned down for a date – maybe you

deserved it " ). When I figured out she was a borderline personality and

confronted her about it a while ago, her answer was " if anyone's a borderline

personality around here, it's YOU! " Fada was equally impatient – I was

constantly " tested " as a kid, and anytime I wasn't doing something fast enough

or perfectly enough, he would grab it away from me with a " gimme that! " ; this

happened HUNDREDS of times, and I became convinced that the right thing to do

was to give up on myself. On top of that, he spent most of his time at home

either asleep or pretending to be asleep, I'm honestly not sure which.

>

> I think that as a result, I've had a life-long battle with depression and

anxiety, and was completely convinced for a while that I was just " defective "

somehow – I still have trouble with that. I feel so out of place with " normal "

people, who had loving parents, and it feels like it's becoming increasingly

apparent to people around me that there's something " wrong " with me.

>

> I'm in a pretty rough spot right now – basically as a result of some pretty

poor life choices that I really thought were the right thing to do. I went

back to school to get into a new career that I was convinced would be great for

me, but I was so hell-bent on doing it that I never put together that I wasn't

particularly good at it during school, and as a result have come out 6 years

later with another failed career and a never-decreasing student debt of about

$90,000! I lost confidence in myself at my last job after allowing myself to be

gradually worn down by my supervisor (I was his first attempt at having someone

to work with him, and he was the most negative, temperamental guy in the

office), then quit when the company reneged on benefits they had promised me in

writing. Quitting your job means no unemployment benefits, so I'm eating up my

savings at a pretty quick rate, even with a part-time job.

>

> On top of all this, I'm almost 36 and still single; just broke up with my

girlfriend of 7 months when I saw her rage at her nephew who was misbehaving and

threw him out the patio door into the freezing cold weather, slamming the door

behind him – it all clicked that I was dating a woman with severe anger issues

who was also incredibly controlling, and couldn't see a future with her anymore.

I have so many problems trusting women, and seem to choose women who are pretty

goddamn crazy, out of some neurotic need to be controlled or date someone like

Nada. I haven't ever had a long-term relationship, and it feels like the window

to meet someone is closing.

>

> I feel like I'm SO FAR BEHIND where I should be in life, and in such a deep

hole professionally, financially and emotionally that I don't know how to crawl

out. I feel so powerless in my life, and I'm so tired of feeling that way, but

don't know how to get that power. I'm working through " Surviving a Borderline

Parent " , which is helping some, and going to therapy every other week, but am

getting short on funds. It's all one big weight on me, and I don't know where

to start – I could really use some advice...

>

> - KS

>

[Guest guest]

Hi everyone,

Thanks so much to everyone who responded for your advice and kind words - I

especially want to thank Carolyn for her post, which I'm finding so incredibly

helpful. It's weird when it finally clicks for real that there's a kid inside

of you who needs to be treated with kindness and encouragement, which most

likely we saw little of from our parents.

I'm finding that I've gotten used to a kind of " negativity high " , where thinking

about myself (or pretty much anything else) negatively is what my brain is used

to as its strongest emotion, and so I've learned to keep beating up on myself -

I've been working over the last few weeks to try to curb this. After I got your

message, I was amazed to find that being kind to myself and really, REALLY

believing it actually felt so good; I just need to figure out how to do it all

the time...

Also, the advice about taking it one day at a time was great because I'm having

trouble with the long view right now.

KS

>

> Hi KS,

>

> Wow. That is a lot to handle, but you can do it. One step at a time. I have

felt so much anxiety over the course of my life due to the same things you are

talking about. It is finally subsiding as I have seen what my nada is and what

she did to me. I have a beautiful daughter. I cannot ever imagine doing to her

what was done to me. That has helped me see how bad what was done to me

actually is/was. That realization has helped me pick that girl up (me), brush

her off and tell her how great she is and why ALL THE TIME. I want to protect

her and re-raise her. Of course like you said, we may feel behind, so I have to

re-raise her quickly:). My anxiety has decreased so much and I never thought it

would go away. And like you, I now get mad at the people that deserve it. I am

taking a lot less crap from others. But I used to take crap from everyone

because of the way my nada treated me. I accepted NC from my nada recently, she

started it, I plan to keep it in place. It is a huge relief for me to say No to

the person that wants me to serve them and be their possession and put me down.

But all in all, I take all this one step at a time, one day at a time. For me,

the world is a lot less overwhelming that way and it all seems to work out ok.

>

> Carolyn

>

[Guest guest]

Dear KS,

BOY, DO I EVER HEAR YOU. Especially this part: " I'm in a pretty rough spot

right now – basically as a result of some pretty

poor life choices that I really thought were the right thing to do. I went

back to school to get into a new career that I was convinced would be great for

me, but I was so hell-bent on doing it that I never put together that I wasn't

particularly good at it during school, and as a result have come out 6 years

later with another failed career and a never-decreasing student debt of about

$90,000! I lost confidence in myself at my last job after allowing myself to be

gradually worn down by my supervisor (I was his first attempt at having someone

to work with him, and he was the most negative, temperamental guy in the

office) "

This same thing describes my entire life. I don't think I could put together

the sad, not-wanting-to feelings I had about school and my future career with

the truth that " this isn't going to work well for me, and I DESERVE to be in a

career that I'm excited to get up and go do every morning rather than one I feel

miserable getting up to go do every morning " . I also never connected to the

idea that if the actual, everyday, moment-to-moment, nuts and bolts of the doing

of the job makes you happy, you're more likely to be good at it and more likely

to be able to make a good living at it.

I think this happened mainly because I " learned " I was stupid very early in

life, and that if anyone else said something they were correct and I was wrong.

And there were all the messages from family that they would be disappointed if I

didn't finish the school, and the messages from classmates that practice was

different from school, and I'd be happy later.

Heh. Heh. Heh.

Don't get me started on the student loan debt. Especially since I couldn't

afford health insurance because of the student loan payments, then had two

expensive surgeries I will be paying for the rest of my life, and then...my

husband got brain cancer! He is doing OK right now, and things have worked out

OK for right now, but realistically, when you look at what it costs to fund an

old age in this society, there is absolutely no way I'm going to have any kind

of a future. I take care of finances for my 89 year old great aunt and her

handicapped 60 year old daughter, and I see what it costs when people are old

and can't take care of themselves anymore. If they end social security,

medicaid, and medicare, there will be an awful, awful lot of old people dying in

the streets in this country in twenty or thirty years.

I, too, have felt very, very depressed and hopeless about the way my life is

turning out. Sad to say nobody, but nobody, gets it and all they will do is

lecture you about how you aren't being positive enough and they don't want to

hear it. It doesn't seem to be the kind of help you need in this situation.

The only way I can tell you that anything improved in my case is luck. Not the

greatest of advice since you can't make luck happen. But in my case, I was let

go from a job I was in for six years...why? Still not sure. I still relief

there on occasion and they are doing the same thing to four other relief people

I have worked with in there, and they all feel weird about it.

Until this happened, I thought it was just me and felt very, very bad about

myself. I was actually researching ways to get by living in a car because I

thought I must be so bad at the work that soon I wouldn't be able to find any

more paying work. But I papered the area with cover letters and resumes and one

place hired me three days a week that pays better than the old place. It is a

brutal place to work--kind of like a sweatshop, and we leave out of there

t-i-r-e-d. But I do not feel like there is an ax over my head all the time.

My experience is, you find a place where there is a good fit between you and the

people in charge, and when there is a regime change, sooner or later you will be

gone. Happened to me several times. I can supplement my income by reliefing at

other places and so far, there would even have been enough money for Christmas

if I hadn't hit a deer in my car the day after the election. (There went $500.)

The other thing that happened is that my profession is getting more specialized

and advanced. When I got out of school, someone who couldn't do certain

services was going to have a very, very hard time staying employed. Now it is

more and more common that people have to specialize, and a lot of places who

hire someone for relief won't LET them do the stuff I don't do anyway. So in

that respect I lucked out. However, I still have to listen to the family that

wouldn't let me individuate enough to know what kind of work *I*, not them,

would actually enjoy and be good at, tell me I am lazy and don't want to work.

(This is from someone unemployed totally and behind on his rent. Goodbye, FOO!)

These are also the people who had more than enough money to pay all the

educational expenses for both me and my brother after my dad died when I was

12...but by the time I was 18 it had all been spent, and they were taking back

money that had been set aside for my school to pay THEIR bills. (I let nada do

it because " At least she would know I loved her. " *falls over laughing*)

The last good thing that happened is that by reliefing at many, many different

workplaces, I have actually been able to see firsthand how many practitioners of

our trade have mental and emotional problems, some of them severe. It has

helped me see that many times when I thought it was me, I was being mistreated

by someone who wasn't doing that well mentally him/herself. It's kind of scary

because our profession has this " perfect " image, when actually there are a lot

of people with severe deficits in personal, emotional, and in some cases work

skills. When you see that, it's a little easier not to feel so bad about

yourself.

I don't know what kind of work you are in so I can't really offer any better

help than that. At least you have savings, which at present, we have maybe

$1400 and that is it. Just don't let people tear you down. In our situation

you have to be careful who you share what with. Our society is starting to

resemble cannibalism, with those who are presently experiencing success ready to

rip the throats out of those who presently are not. If you are having problems,

get ready to be called a lot of ugly names, told you are not working hard

enough, not trying hard enough, that you have a bad attitude, that you are lazy,

etc. Don't listen to it. It doesn't help.

I am really sorry for what you are going through and any time you want to email

me feel free.

Welcome, and sorry you had to come find us.

--.