Question

[Guest guest]

Amen, Irene...

[Guest guest]

,

Again, spot on. It's easy for people to judge me only after they have

removed themselves from the drama. Maybe it's their way of projecting

their own guilt for walking away and leaving me to do the dirty work.

[Guest guest]

Thanks a lot Irene for your kind words. This feels like a productive

discussion :-)

On Sat, Dec 1, 2012 at 9:21 PM, Janice Hall janicehalldesigns@...>wrote:

> **

>

>

> ,

>

> What you just wrote describes my mother to a T. No kidding.

>

> I've been reading through so many stories and posts, but from what you have

> described, you and I have identical experiences. I just shared your post

> with my husband and he asked if I had written what you shared and signed my

> name to it. That's how close to came to my life. Unbelievable.

>

> I'm curious...how has life worked out for you at this point? Although you

> have to be as tormented as I, have you been able to turn the torment into

> something productive?

>

> I am really glad to have " met " you...

>

> Janice

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Smiles, Irene...

[Guest guest]

Hi Janice,

Our Nadas do sound like two peas in a pod! LOL.

How has it affected my life? Wow, I could probably right a book to answer

that one. J

In some ways it has made me stronger and in others it has had lasting

damage. Done well career wise but I have struggled immensely in my

relationships with men. Tending to pick the wrong types all my life and not

able to love the " right " ones. I have not established the type of " family

life " I have always longed for. I like to say that I am a work in

progress and haven't given up the hope that I will be able to one day meet a

man who is right for me and establish a good, solid home life.

I have had lots of therapy thru the years and yes it has helped but not

totally fixed the issues. Some things you just learn to live with.

Dealing with Nada now is still torment for sure but I am learning how to put

it in its rightful place. Nada and her drama controlled much of my life

but I am doing much better at detaching and setting boundaries and walking

away. It has taken half a lifetime to get here but I am learning.

You are welcome to contact me by email if you want to chat more. I welcome

the chance to share with someone who has a Nada like me as I don't know

anyone else who does. Makes one feel less isolated to know there are

others experiencing the same issues and sharing how to cope.

Tracey

[Guest guest]

Yes, that is exactly what it is....they don't want to feel the guilt of

having to walk away or say no etc. so they put you in the position to " deal "

with it so they don't have to feel uncomfortable.

If your rescuing and doing then they can just sit back....No need for them

to have to " get involved " or to be confronted with telling Nada no if she

asks them for whatever is....

[Guest guest]

,

You're right about no longer feeling isolated. For almost all of my life,

I couldn't imagine anyone else walking the planet like nada. I'd go to

friend's homes and marvel at the happy household...and wonder why my home

was so bizarre. When I was a teenager, it didn't seem to phase me a

helluva lot. My girlfriends would come over and we'd giggle at nada's

behavior. Even when nada went ballistic over something as insignificant as

the " last Diet Coke " having been drunk we'd roll our eyes and talk about

what a wacko nada was.

I think as I entered adulthood nada's behavior/actions effected me at a

different level.

Plus, nada got nastier as she got older. Shrieking, name calling, death

threats, poison my dog, rip my husband's tongue out with a wrench and shove

it up his ---, etc. And of course, buy me this, buy me that, move me into

a condo, I don't like this condo I want another condo, buy me a car, do for

me, do for me, do for me.

Up until three years ago, I delivered. When my husband and I moved across

the country we left her where she's at (albeit paying her bills...which

insures she stays there) and it's been the closest I've been to peace.

Boy, did I take alot of ---- for having made that move. Judged up the

wazoo. That left me with another kind of guilt to deal with. If it's not

her, it's " them " .

You really seem to get it. Others in this group have had different kinds

of shared experiences that they can really relate to. Collectively, the

thing we all share is the long term effects of having been born to a

monster.

[Guest guest]

Hi Janice,

My Nada has had major issues all her life. When I was younger she was put

into a few " mental hospitals " but she would never stay in them always

screamed and hollered for my father or someone to come and get her out. So

they did. She was diagnosed with a " character disorder " which in today's

terms means personality disorder but back then this was in the 70s I don't

think they knew much about BPD like they do now. I never saw her medical

records but I would be interested to know more about her diagnosis I only

know what my father told me. She has not been in any mental hospitals

since then just a few rehabs which she also left quickly and never finished

the 28 day programs. I remember the last one was about 12 years ago and

the director at the facility called me and asked me to come in for a family

meeting. What a disaster that was Nada screamed at the director calling her

a drunk like the rest of us and insisting they were trying to turn her kid

against her etc. then they made her leave the meeting. It was horrible.

The director told me at that point to just leave Nada be and not keep trying

to rescue her because she didn't want help and I was just wasting my time.

Nada walked out of the place the next day and that was the end of that.

She always drank a lot while I was growing up but even more so as she got

older. Now she is a full blown alcoholic, drinking every day. It is a

serious problem.

When Nada was evicted in June she asked me to help her move back to our

home state. I told her No I can't do it because she drinks way too much and

with her personality disorder forget it I would be crazy to live near her!

But of course, I felt guilty and gave her money to get an apartment and

some furniture. So she stayed where she is (about a thousand miles away

from me).

But she wasn't happy with the help I gave her financially all I heard was

what a horrible daughter I am that I won't help her move back here etc. She

is never happy no matter what I do or give. She wants more and more.

Thankfully She also gets a pension from when my dad passed but it is not a

lot and with all the drinking and smoking she blows thru that. Plus she is

irresponsible with money. I am just waiting now for the other shoe to drop

and for her to be getting evicted yet again.

My last conversation with her I told her I can't have a relationship with

you till you quit drinking and get into therapy. That was about 4 weeks

ago since then I have gotten a few drunk phone calls rambling but I just

delete them. The whole thing is a real tragedy. Nada just doesn't get it

she does not see how horrible her actions are and I have realized there is

nothing I am going to say or do to make her so I just stopped trying. Some

days it is very depressing especially when I see others with their moms and

having quality family relationships. Something I never had with either of my

parents.

Tracey

[Guest guest]

,

This really is incredibly similar to my life...

My nada, who is 74, made her first trip to a shrink when she was about 12

which was unheard of in those days. My grandparents didn't know what to

do. She was a senior in an all girls Catholic school when she got pregnant

which was a shocking embarrassment to her family (they were a pretty

prominent Irish Catholic Chicago clan). Nada proceeded to drop out of

school and give birth to me. She got an apartment, her first job as a

cocktail waitress and had my father move in with her, which was trendy

before its time as they never married. He split when I was two. Nada

married her first millionaire when I was five. That didn't last long,

about two years. She then alternated between marrying millionaires and

losers up until about ten years ago.

Four years ago, nada was in the process of being evicted (like yours) and

that when our story becomes so similar again. We moved her to where we

were then living. NIGHTMARE! I should have known better. When we had the

opportunity to move 2500 miles from her we were out of there. And left her

there and promised myself she would never live in the same time zone with

me ever again.

It's sad, tragic, depressing, opportunities missed, but it is what it is.

Like you, everyday is some kind of emotional challenge. Even when I'm

having a great day, I always think of nada at some point and feel sad that

things aren't nor will ever be different.

My Grandmother would say " count your blessings " which is a cliche but good

advice none the less.

For all of us, there is good in our lives. Dwelling on what's not good

takes away from any joy we can have.

In re-reading this post, I'm impressed with how smart I sound. Maybe I

should take my own advice, lol...

[Guest guest]

Janice,

Interesting as my Nada also went thru 12 years of Catholic School drove her

parents and the nuns buggy. My Nada was a midlife baby, my grandmother was

in her late 50s when Nada was a teenager. I think by then my grandmother

was just tired of raising children and older and didn't want the hassle so

she gave in to all of Nada's demands. She ended up creating a monster.

I once moved Nada back here about 20 years ago and it was the worst mistake

of my life so when she moved away again I vowed never to do that again. So

when she got evicted this past June I said no way. It is sad that you have

to treat your mother this way but there is no other recourse. She is just

too toxic to be around on a daily basis. Noone can live with her anymore it

is just too much.

I wonder about what the future will bring as she ages. There are days when

I feel very sad and depressed about it and with the holidays coming it

doesn't make it any easier. But, you do what you have to and life goes on.

I am thankful for this forum and to find others to share and help me cope.

Tracey

[Guest guest]

Amen, amen, amen...