Nada WILL NOT CHASE ME if I go NC

December 1, 2012

Hi Fiona/Annie

Thanks for your reply, Fiona. I have read your post, Annie, regarding

finding your mother's diary...

One of the fears (maybe will relief at some point, not sure yet) I have is

that Nada WILL NOT chase after me in NC. It has only been 5 weeks but that

is a long time for 86 yrs. old. This is not the first time though..I tried

a few days of NC over the years..same thing. She is ALWAYS right now matter

what the issue is.

This time, this long period, she has not made attempt to talk to me or

settle anything from her hang-up and telling my husband to go to hell

because he would not come on the phone when she and I had a fight over me

catching her once more on lies. She often wants DH to get on the phone to

talk to him at the same time. He said " no " .in the background. Then she

told me to tell him to go to hell..and would not address the issue she

caused AGAIN..and then hung up...

My mother will not chase after me. As I said it is 5 weeks, Halloween and

my birthday have passed, now Christmas will come and go. As I stated last

week I do not know if I should send her anything..if I called her it would

start all over as to how bad I am for getting so angry at her, that I yelled

at her (yes I did such). She always fails to include WHY I get angry. She

tell lies..she demands to be respected no matter what because she is MOTHER,

she is hurtful, resentful and jealous, neglectful and shows it often no

matter how nice I am. If you give her what she wants, coddling, gifts, do

not question anything about her behavior she can be ok for a while.

So my issue is, we in my own family doubt whether she will call....NC or

not, she seems fit to stay quiet. Man she could die at any

day...considering her age yet she will hold onto to her side and blame me

for it.

This time passage shows me once more how lame she has always been through

the years with her scant contact to her only grandchildren, me, never

inviting us out there..and not coming here for 12 years now...

I feel orphaned over and over and even though I am standing my ground for

good reason with her...I likely will not get a fight of even unkind

words..just a nothing.

How do you deal with that? A nothing...just space!

Does this make me feel invisible?...you bet..it makes me feel like I never

meant much to her ever. There is a whole lifelong history of issues to back

this up. But as long as I was there mothering her..she was contacting. Now

that I have called her on her lies and poor behavior in the last year

especially, she has dug in her heels. She is not demented due to old age

that I can tell.

It really hurts to know that your mother lied to you, then had a huge fight

with you when you tried to help her for her own health sake and she turns it

all back on you saying I started it all/that I ALWAYS start it all and that

it is ALWAYS MY FAULT...then hangs up leaving me impotent.

Often she takes the phone off the hook when I try to re-call her...or

answers then hangs up on me again..

She loves this tactic as I live so far away I can do nothing.

So this time I CHOSE NC...but the joke in some ways is on me. I do not

think she cares enough and sadly never did care enough to even try to call

me back to even argue the point.

My bet is she will send a Christmas card, with WORDS..but no contact....Nada

always needs to look good in front of everyone. Look!.. she did her part,

she is such a good mother and grandma in her eyes. So if I send nothing it

will be further proof of what an awful daughter I am (her words many times).

I feel I have been clapping with one hand all my life with her and now even

more so..it is a one-way street with the Hermit/Waif who want her way and

her safety..she will run and hide and hole up for protection at all costs.

Any comments please?

Twyla

From: WTOAdultChildren1

[mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 ] On Behalf Of Fiona

Sent: Saturday, December 01, 2012 08:31 AM

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Subject: Re: Hermit/Waif

Yes, my mother is both.

I can relate very much to what you described, to her fighting only for her

protection. That's the thing about waifs/hermits. With my mother, she

thrives on fear and control, and if she doesn't feel safe, she'll strike

out.

When I've gone NC (the longest for me was 2 months), she did chase me until

I told her to back off and give me space.

>

> Do any of you have mothers that are Hermits.with Waif traits that you know

> will not chase you if you go NC? Moms that would just as soon be rid of

you

> & your clarity/rationality so she did not have to deal with reality?

>

> My mother has never fought for much of anything except her own protection.

>

> Going NC may be the easiest way out for her.and her life.

>

> Twyla

>

December 1, 2012

Twyla:

Your story resonates completely with me. I have been NC with Nada for 1.5 years

now. Nada's never respected another person or their boundaries, and never been

able to say sorry. I have passed through all the feelings you feel. It is still

really hard, but I work very hard on accepting the fact that she lives in

service to her illness. It has nothing to do with you, and there is nothing you

can do to change how she is or how she treats you. All you can do is protect

yourself and be your own mother. I'm sorry to say that in a lot of ways we are

all emotional orphans- and the sooner we can come to terms with that- that we do

not have motherly support- the sooner we will all be able to heal.

(((big hugs to you Twyla)))

Whether or not you are ok can't be dependent on whether or not she chases after

you. You can only control you and your feelings, not what she does.

> >

> > Do any of you have mothers that are Hermits.with Waif traits that you know

> > will not chase you if you go NC? Moms that would just as soon be rid of

> you

> > & your clarity/rationality so she did not have to deal with reality?

> >

> > My mother has never fought for much of anything except her own protection.

> >

> > Going NC may be the easiest way out for her.and her life.

> >

> > Twyla

> >

December 1, 2012

You are totally correct..not there just yet. But I am determined to get

here.

Thank you for writing this.I will read it again and again as I move

forwards...

Twyla

From: WTOAdultChildren1

[mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 ] On Behalf Of mdg2101

Sent: Saturday, December 01, 2012 03:26 PM

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Subject: Re: Nada WILL NOT CHASE ME if I go NC

Twyla:

Your story resonates completely with me. I have been NC with Nada for 1.5

years now. Nada's never respected another person or their boundaries, and

never been able to say sorry. I have passed through all the feelings you

feel. It is still really hard, but I work very hard on accepting the fact

that she lives in service to her illness. It has nothing to do with you, and

there is nothing you can do to change how she is or how she treats you. All

you can do is protect yourself and be your own mother. I'm sorry to say that

in a lot of ways we are all emotional orphans- and the sooner we can come to

terms with that- that we do not have motherly support- the sooner we will

all be able to heal.

(((big hugs to you Twyla)))

Whether or not you are ok can't be dependent on whether or not she chases

after you. You can only control you and your feelings, not what she does.

> >

> > Do any of you have mothers that are Hermits.with Waif traits that you

know

> > will not chase you if you go NC? Moms that would just as soon be rid of

> you

> > & your clarity/rationality so she did not have to deal with reality?

> >

> > My mother has never fought for much of anything except her own

protection.

> >

> > Going NC may be the easiest way out for her.and her life.

> >

> > Twyla

> >

December 1, 2012

Twyla, I have a mother who doesn't chase. Sorry you feel awful but these

people are CRAZY. They can't think ot feel correctly. If she's leaving you

alone; Lucky you! I know it doesn't seem like a gift but it is. My mil is a

bpd who degrades herself and chases her son and it's just because she wants

control and fears abandonment. He wishes she'd just go away.

> **

>

> You are totally correct..not there just yet. But I am determined to get

> here.

>

> Thank you for writing this.I will read it again and again as I move

> forwards...

>

> Twyla

>

> From: WTOAdultChildren1

> [mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 ] On Behalf Of mdg2101

> Sent: Saturday, December 01, 2012 03:26 PM

> To: WTOAdultChildren1

> Subject: Re: Nada WILL NOT CHASE ME if I go NC

>

> Twyla:

>

> Your story resonates completely with me. I have been NC with Nada for 1.5

> years now. Nada's never respected another person or their boundaries, and

> never been able to say sorry. I have passed through all the feelings you

> feel. It is still really hard, but I work very hard on accepting the fact

> that she lives in service to her illness. It has nothing to do with you,

> and

> there is nothing you can do to change how she is or how she treats you. All

> you can do is protect yourself and be your own mother. I'm sorry to say

> that

> in a lot of ways we are all emotional orphans- and the sooner we can come

> to

> terms with that- that we do not have motherly support- the sooner we will

> all be able to heal.

>

> (((big hugs to you Twyla)))

>

> Whether or not you are ok can't be dependent on whether or not she chases

> after you. You can only control you and your feelings, not what she does.

>

> > >

> > > Do any of you have mothers that are Hermits.with Waif traits that you

> know

> > > will not chase you if you go NC? Moms that would just as soon be rid of

> > you

> > > & your clarity/rationality so she did not have to deal with reality?

> > >

> > > My mother has never fought for much of anything except her own

> protection.

> > >

> > > Going NC may be the easiest way out for her.and her life.

> > >

> > > Twyla

> > >

December 1, 2012

Its taking me a while to process the concept that my entire relationship with my

nada was a lie. A lifelong lie. The times when I thought we were sort of

reconciling and enjoying each other's company and that maybe she did, on some

level, love me... all of those times were actually a lie. She never liked me,

at any point. For me what proves this (the cherry on top) was that my nada

could have destroyed her journal, but she left it intact for Sister and me to

find. She wanted to get that last zinger in. (She admitted that she was into

getting revenge against people.) " And by the way, I NEVER even liked you. "

I think I had a true " Queen/Witch " nada. The Witch has antisocial pd as a

co-morbidity with bpd, and the Queen has narcissistic pd as a co-morbidity.

(These sub-types of bpd are from the book " Understanding the Borderline

Mother " .)

So, I can understand the confusion, the feeling torn in two, the ambivalence of

wishing to remain in contact yet needing to not be in contact. I understand the

timidity, the lack of trust. I understand the wanting (needing?) to ignore the

subtle, covert yet chronic indicators that this person that you are programmed

on a molecular level to need and trust, actually dislikes you and wants to hurt

you.

Its good to have other people who " get it " to mull this stuff over with.

-Annie

> >

> > Do any of you have mothers that are Hermits.with Waif traits that you know

> > will not chase you if you go NC? Moms that would just as soon be rid of

> you

> > & your clarity/rationality so she did not have to deal with reality?

> >

> > My mother has never fought for much of anything except her own protection.

> >

> > Going NC may be the easiest way out for her.and her life.

> >

> > Twyla

> >

December 1, 2012

Huggs to you..

From: WTOAdultChildren1

[mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 ] On Behalf Of anuria67854

Sent: Saturday, December 01, 2012 04:52 PM

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Subject: Re: Nada WILL NOT CHASE ME if I go NC

Its taking me a while to process the concept that my entire relationship

with my nada was a lie. A lifelong lie. The times when I thought we were

sort of reconciling and enjoying each other's company and that maybe she

did, on some level, love me... all of those times were actually a lie. She

never liked me, at any point. For me what proves this (the cherry on top)

was that my nada could have destroyed her journal, but she left it intact

for Sister and me to find. She wanted to get that last zinger in. (She

admitted that she was into getting revenge against people.) " And by the way,

I NEVER even liked you. "

I think I had a true " Queen/Witch " nada. The Witch has antisocial pd as a

co-morbidity with bpd, and the Queen has narcissistic pd as a co-morbidity.

(These sub-types of bpd are from the book " Understanding the Borderline

Mother " .)

So, I can understand the confusion, the feeling torn in two, the ambivalence

of wishing to remain in contact yet needing to not be in contact. I

understand the timidity, the lack of trust. I understand the wanting

(needing?) to ignore the subtle, covert yet chronic indicators that this

person that you are programmed on a molecular level to need and trust,

actually dislikes you and wants to hurt you.

Its good to have other people who " get it " to mull this stuff over with.

-Annie

> >

> > Do any of you have mothers that are Hermits.with Waif traits that you

know

> > will not chase you if you go NC? Moms that would just as soon be rid of

> you

> > & your clarity/rationality so she did not have to deal with reality?

> >

> > My mother has never fought for much of anything except her own

protection.

> >

> > Going NC may be the easiest way out for her.and her life.

> >

> > Twyla

> >

December 1, 2012

I hear you Annie! knowing that my entire relationship with my mother WASN " T a

relationship at all has turned my world upside down.

Beth

Re: Nada WILL NOT CHASE ME if I go NC

Its taking me a while to process the concept that my entire relationship with

my nada was a lie. A lifelong lie. The times when I thought we were sort of

reconciling and enjoying each other's company and that maybe she did, on some

level, love me... all of those times were actually a lie. She never liked me, at

any point. For me what proves this (the cherry on top) was that my nada could

have destroyed her journal, but she left it intact for Sister and me to find.

She wanted to get that last zinger in. (She admitted that she was into getting

revenge against people.) " And by the way, I NEVER even liked you. "

I think I had a true " Queen/Witch " nada. The Witch has antisocial pd as a

co-morbidity with bpd, and the Queen has narcissistic pd as a co-morbidity.

(These sub-types of bpd are from the book " Understanding the Borderline

Mother " .)

So, I can understand the confusion, the feeling torn in two, the ambivalence

of wishing to remain in contact yet needing to not be in contact. I understand

the timidity, the lack of trust. I understand the wanting (needing?) to ignore

the subtle, covert yet chronic indicators that this person that you are

programmed on a molecular level to need and trust, actually dislikes you and

wants to hurt you.

Its good to have other people who " get it " to mull this stuff over with.

-Annie

> >

> > Do any of you have mothers that are Hermits.with Waif traits that you know

> > will not chase you if you go NC? Moms that would just as soon be rid of

> you

> > & your clarity/rationality so she did not have to deal with reality?

> >

> > My mother has never fought for much of anything except her own protection.

> >

> > Going NC may be the easiest way out for her.and her life.

> >

> > Twyla

> >

December 1, 2012

Twyla,

It is really hard to know that your mother will not chase you, will not make

the effort to make things better, will not seek out her side of the problem

because it is ALL you of course. ***eye roll*** I think because ultimately

it is all about their own happiness and not yours. You should be chasing

her and for her to chase you would mean your better than she is and that is

not acceptable for her to lower herself to the groveling level. At least

that is what I think. I understand your hurt at being NC and knowing she

isn't making an effort to end it on her side. I feel that way about my

enDad. I knew when I went NC with nada that he would go with it regardless

because he has never, will never make any effort to have a relationship with

me. I'm hoping, as I'm sure you are, that over time we'll stop caring what

they think and how they didn't respond and time gets between us and our last

contact with them.

December 2, 2012

Hi ,

It is after 2am in the morning and I am reading all these posts……and yours.

I am STILL trying to get all of this. Intellectually I am doing ok with

most of it…emotionally I see that my relationship with mom was a

façade…likely most all my life…at least for yeeeears. This is tough stuff to

digest.

This just jerks the h*ll out of you as I know others here already have/are

experiencing.

Surrealistic is putting it mildly.

There are times I feel I am going to literally throw-up I feel so

over-whelmed at this insanity that is my reality AND SO MANY others.

Everything you say below is true.

Thank you for your share.

Twyla

From: WTOAdultChildren1

[mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 ] On Behalf Of Renslow

Sent: Saturday, December 01, 2012 09:23 PM