Nightmares

[Guest guest]

,

Thank you for validating my experiences with the death of nada. While it sounds

a bit daft, many in my FOO either dream of or get a little reminder of the

departed (a rose, a white feather, etc.) within days of their passing. That

mother appeared to no one troubled me. While I feared her " visit " I also longed

for it just as I longed for her affection during her life time. Thus, the

nightmare was a bit of a break through. I realize it is more likely a product of

my subconscious than of her " ghost. "

That evening I had browsed a cataglogue from an East Coast company. Almost 28

years ago, while I was NC with nada, I became engaged and nada sent us pink

flannel sheets from this company. It was the type of subtle slam in which she

was an expert. Anyone outside would think, " Oh, she sent you a gift. " but I knew

that pink was the color she reserved for young girls she had no respect for but

had to socially recognize with a cheap gift and that sending bedding she was

declaring, " I know you are not a virgin! Shame on you for living with him in

SIN! " When we married a year and a half later, she sent a blue and black wool

blanket from the same company. In my nightmare, the figure sanding beside my bed

wore a blue and black wool " barn jacket " the type this company features in its

Christams catalogues.

While I detested frightening my husband and felt foolish in regard to waking up

screaming, I warmly embrace letting go of whatever parts of her are still

burried in my subconscious. I've also chosen to forgive myself for feeling the

need to scream in fear at the concept of nada's return. It is so normal to both

fear and loath an abuser who repeatedly attempted to kill me! Owning that I both

loved and hated my nada is part of healing. It's odd but I can sing, " Ding-dong

the Witch is dead! " and sob, " I want my Mama! " in the same breath. I can do so

because both are true and even at 49 I still long for the warmth and nurture of

a REAL mother.

Beth

[Guest guest]

What an incredible post. It really touched me. Partly because for years as a

young adult I had nightmares about nada. Vicious things where she would yell at

me, chase me across town. As I got older I had different nightmares of her

attacking me or my family and I would scream at her. That's something I would

never do but I did in my dream. My patient husband was so good and bringing me

out of that.

The " visit " after death I've heard of that. Nada claims my Dad was haunting her

after he died. That went on for months. She hated it, said he would appear in

the hallway and just look at her, never did anything. It just made her angry.

I think I used to love nada but I'm not sure if it was love or just hoping for

love. Now it's just pity. I think her time to pass is coming quickly. Not only

losing weight and losing her mind, she's talking about dying all the time. I

wonder how it will hit me. Mostly I hope I don't get any of those post death

experiences from her. It's been a few years since I've had a nightmare and I

don't want to start up again.

How are you feeling now? Do you feel a sense of freedom yet or is there still

that yearning to fill the emptiness?

>

> ,

>

> Thank you for validating my experiences with the death of nada. While it

sounds a bit daft, many in my FOO either dream of or get a little reminder of

the departed (a rose, a white feather, etc.) within days of their passing. That

mother appeared to no one troubled me. While I feared her " visit " I also longed

for it just as I longed for her affection during her life time. Thus, the

nightmare was a bit of a break through. I realize it is more likely a product of

my subconscious than of her " ghost. "

>

> That evening I had browsed a cataglogue from an East Coast company. Almost 28

years ago, while I was NC with nada, I became engaged and nada sent us pink

flannel sheets from this company. It was the type of subtle slam in which she

was an expert. Anyone outside would think, " Oh, she sent you a gift. " but I knew

that pink was the color she reserved for young girls she had no respect for but

had to socially recognize with a cheap gift and that sending bedding she was

declaring, " I know you are not a virgin! Shame on you for living with him in

SIN! " When we married a year and a half later, she sent a blue and black wool

blanket from the same company. In my nightmare, the figure sanding beside my bed

wore a blue and black wool " barn jacket " the type this company features in its

Christams catalogues.

>

> While I detested frightening my husband and felt foolish in regard to waking

up screaming, I warmly embrace letting go of whatever parts of her are still

burried in my subconscious. I've also chosen to forgive myself for feeling the

need to scream in fear at the concept of nada's return. It is so normal to both

fear and loath an abuser who repeatedly attempted to kill me! Owning that I both

loved and hated my nada is part of healing. It's odd but I can sing, " Ding-dong

the Witch is dead! " and sob, " I want my Mama! " in the same breath. I can do so

because both are true and even at 49 I still long for the warmth and nurture of

a REAL mother.

>

> Beth

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Irene,

Thank you so much and please allow me to send you a hug from across the miles.

Yes, I do feel some freedom but the grief process is still taking place. This is

normal. Any child, regardless of their age, grieves the death of a parent. Just

because I had to let go of my relationship with nada while she was still alive

does not mean that I let go of my need for a mother or the love I wanted to give

her. I was a normal kid living with a crazy woman. My desire to love and be

loved was normal. Now, my grief at her early and senseless death is normal too.

This grieving period will take as long as it take. I will own it, process it and

learn from it. I will survive... NO! Strike that! I will do more than merely

survive! I will grow and thrive because I am a very strong and independent

woman.There are many things I can do to help heal and nuture myself. This group

helps a great deal. Being out in nature/my garden helps a great deal. My work

with underprivileged children helps a great deal. Journaling helps a great deal.

While nothing is a cure all, these are ways I cope. You too will find ways to

cope when your nada passes. If bad dreams come, you will learn from their

messages and move on. You are a survivor and not a victim! Fear nothing. The

worst has already happened.

Warmest wishes for your happiness,

Beth

[Guest guest]

Thank you for writing back. It's very helpful to hear how you're doing after a

lifetime of nada and then suddenly having her gone. I want to be free but I'm

afraid of my own reaction when she does pass away.

My counselor recommended a small group she'll start in Feb. It's about grief,

not just because someone has died but also for folks like us who may be grieving

for the parent they never had, the childhood they never had. She said the

process is essentially creating a timeline of my life: listing the good and the

bad events. Then writing a letter to nada about my feelings, letting go of

things, perhaps even forgiving some things although that wasn't a requirement.

Then each person would read their letter to the group just to be heard, not for

feedback or advice. The letter would never be sent of course. I told her I'd

think about it. I'm not sure if that would help or not. It feels so artificial.

Like you, I also journal. A private place to vent LOL. I've also been keeping a

journal of nada's behavior so I can reread it and see if it's me being cranky

and judgmental or if she's really doing bizarre things. So far it looks like

she's pretty much off the map as far as behavior goes. Even beyond the forgetful

little old lady stuff which I can handle.

I also love nature. For 21 years I've worked with injured and orphaned wild

life. It gave me a sense of purpose and I felt like I was actually capable of

doing something worthwhile. All my life I've felt pretty much a failure and

useless. This wildlife work is incredible and challenging. And there's nothing

better than being a " healer " of sorts and seeing the eagle, the hummingbird, the

skunks, whatever released back into their home area.

I can't predict the future and I have learned some survival skills over the

years (haven't we all). So I'll take it as it comes.

Thank you again for sharing with me. I will cling to hope, look for that

rainbow.

>

> Irene,

>

> Thank you so much and please allow me to send you a hug from across the

miles.

>

> Yes, I do feel some freedom but the grief process is still taking place. This

is normal. Any child, regardless of their age, grieves the death of a parent.

Just because I had to let go of my relationship with nada while she was still

alive does not mean that I let go of my need for a mother or the love I wanted

to give her. I was a normal kid living with a crazy woman. My desire to love and

be loved was normal. Now, my grief at her early and senseless death is normal

too. This grieving period will take as long as it take. I will own it, process

it and learn from it. I will survive... NO! Strike that! I will do more than

merely survive! I will grow and thrive because I am a very strong and

independent woman.There are many things I can do to help heal and nuture myself.

This group helps a great deal. Being out in nature/my garden helps a great deal.

My work with underprivileged children helps a great deal. Journaling helps a

great deal. While nothing is a cure all, these are ways I cope. You too will

find ways to cope when your nada passes. If bad dreams come, you will learn from

their messages and move on. You are a survivor and not a victim! Fear nothing.

The worst has already happened.

>

> Warmest wishes for your happiness,

>

> Beth

>

>

>