Why does it Seem to Take so Long for Ko's to See What is Really the Truth with BPD?

December 1, 2012

I was in my mid 50's when I started to really NOTICE weird things about

Mom..and not until last year did I really start to understand she is not

normal in her behavior and not just some little old lady being silly and

kinda dumb with crazy tantrums. I just kept on feeling sorry for her and

going back to her and supporting her.

This Loop has helped so much as well as some key people.

I often read here many people are a bit older when they finally realize

there is something wrong with Mom or Dad and not necessarily themselves.

Do we know why this is?

I can only think of myself in that I was so busy trying to survive my own

emotional issues for so many years and then when I was ready years after and

had children, had a career, we lost a business, then the Recession came..it

was about this time I clued in.

It took me most of my life to become aware AND enough healing to be able to

see more around me. Actually this all started when I asked Mom about our

past and why all the violence happened in our FOO. Right from then our

relationship changed more as she started denying, twisted and getting angry,

hanging up etc.to me more than ever before..

Since then it has turned to now, NC....same sh*t happening..

Twyla

From: WTOAdultChildren1

[mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 ] On Behalf Of anuria67854

Sent: Saturday, December 01, 2012 05:28 PM

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Subject: Re: Christmas Challenge

My nada died last year when I was 59. I'd been in No Contact with her for

three years before she died. Prior to that, it was at about age 50 that I

began educating myself about personality disorders, started reading some of

the books about it, and started processing the nature of our relationship

and getting some perspective on what was going on RE my mother's traits and

behaviors, her way of thinking and reacting. It took me quite a while to

wrap my mind around why she had a kind of Jekyll/Hyde thing going on and was

sometimes (seemingly) loving toward me but could turn on me and eviscerate

me verbally an instant later for what seemed to me to be minor reasons or

even no reason at all.

" Understanding The Borderline Mother " helped me a lot.

My only real regret is that I did not go in for therapy myself when I was a

young adult.

I think it could have helped me process all this trauma and damage, and

maybe even have resulted in a more normal life for me, much more quickly and

efficiently than I've been able to do it on my own.

-Annie

>

> Wow, Annie, that is quite a story. Good to have had in-person closure as

> I'm guessing if you hadn't it would haunt you the rest of your life.

>

> Is is inappropriate for me to ask your age? I'm just wondering how long

> you lived with the torment...

>

> I'm in my mid-50's and it's been hell for me for all of these years. I'm

> finally getting some kind of grip on the whole thing through this group. I

> knew what my mother was through my therapist, but to have this forum to

> exchange experiences, suggestions, thoughts and feelings has been very

> beneficial.

> It's so much different from having a shrink simply label it and give you

> textbook advice. NOTE: To any shrink who may be reading this...

> no offense. ))

>

December 1, 2012

I am only in my mid-20's, and I know a few other group members here who are my

age or even younger. I began to " notice " when I was about 12 years old, but at

that age, I had no way to process it. All I could do was focus on survival. But

it became too much to bear when I was in college, and I began to be able to see

just how awful everything really was, and I began reading books about various

personality disorders, but at the time, everything I found was written in such a

clinical way, I couldn't connect it to my Nada at all. Along with some other

relatives and friends, I speculated that Nada might have a PD, but not sure

which one. She herself had said a few times she wondered if she had Bipolar. It

was only within the last 2 years that it started to come together, and here's

why: I dated someone with NPD, and when I figured out that's what was going on,

I dumped him, and then realized it was time for me to take another look at my

own family, and look at how it has effected my ability to choose healthy

partners. I wanted to make sure I never ever date some pig hiding behind a

prince's mask ever again, a false person completely fabricated to fit any

situation. Armed with a much better understanding of what abuse really is, and

the fact that it can be extremely covert and foggy, I began to see that some of

my family were either NPD/BPD or both, but everyone is very high-functioning and

that did make it harder to figure it all out. Also, being young in the world

today, especially with the tough economy, it's very scary to realize that you

have NO ONE you can trust in your family, and to look back and realize that

although at times you thought you were okay, your whole life was actually one

long frozen state of PTSD, and like some sort of nightmare or coma, you're just

now to waking up. It's hard for a young mind to accept that their parents (BPD

Nada, Psychopath FADA) never really loved them, and to then to take full

responsibility for themselves and their recovery, separate from the parents.

Also, I think older people, inherently have had more time to look back and

observe things, and since young people have less experience and are often less

insightful and less independent, I think this is why many KO's don't realize

they have a BPD parent until they are much older. I am extremely grateful to

know it now rather than later, but I can't say that makes it any easier at all.

I am young and single, and have struggled for a year with the devastating

realizations, and often feel completely alone. My peers are rarely able to

understand the magnitude of what I'm going through. Even some therapists don't

get it!! That's why I'm so glad to have found this group. No matter how old

anyone here is, we all have been through the same thing and understand

everyone's story.

> >

> > Wow, Annie, that is quite a story. Good to have had in-person closure as

> > I'm guessing if you hadn't it would haunt you the rest of your life.

> >

> > Is is inappropriate for me to ask your age? I'm just wondering how long

> > you lived with the torment...

> >

> > I'm in my mid-50's and it's been hell for me for all of these years. I'm

> > finally getting some kind of grip on the whole thing through this group. I

> > knew what my mother was through my therapist, but to have this forum to

> > exchange experiences, suggestions, thoughts and feelings has been very

> > beneficial.

> > It's so much different from having a shrink simply label it and give you

> > textbook advice. NOTE: To any shrink who may be reading this...

> > no offense. ))

> >

December 2, 2012

I think part of the reason it's taken so long for some of us to see is that

those of us who are older, who grew up in the 1980s and back (I'm a 70s/80s kid

myself), we had fewer resources than are available now. There just wasn't a lot

of information on mental illness back then, there wasn't the pipeline of

information that the internet has brought us, and back then some things just

weren't talked about. We learned to live the best we could with the " normal "

that we had in front of us. There is no shame in that. Quite the opposite. I

think that we who grew up around mental illness back when we were so ill

informed about it have developed a strength and depth of character that helped

carry us through the worst times.Â

I'm really happy that the mental health professionals have changed the game so

drastically for our current and future generations, and I'm glad for today's KOs

that they have the resources at their fingertips they way they do.Â

There are a lot of reasons that we see things when we do. Some of it is

personal, some is cultural. Everyone's story is different. It is what it is.Â

I came across a quote from Lennon recently that I think says it all.

" Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end. " I have

been through the years of grief and anger. I have yelled, I have cried, I have

projected. I got a master's degree in psych to try to figure it all out. Right

now, I'm at peace with it. Healing is possible. I can't say for sure that this

peace will last--it may just be a break in the storms. But for the moment, I can

breathe, I can eat, I can sleep.Â

But I guess what I'm trying to say is that there is no one answer for everyone.

We all have to find our own way, and we can't always accept the truth when we

first stumble across it. Everyone's journey is different, and every journey is

valid. So whenever it was that we saw the truth of bpd, it was the right time.

Truth is healing, no matter when we are able to see it.Â

________________________________

December 2, 2012

Amen, sister, Amen...

Sometimes that nail gets hit right on the head. Well said...

December 2, 2012

Jill

A good perspective. Knowledge is power. Honesty is freedom.

In the addiction and recovery community there is a saying " We are as

sick as our secrets. " Many of us KO s kept secrets, or were taught by

the dyfunctional family dynamics Dont Talk Dont tell Dont ask.

And it was a survival mechanism for us. Bring friends to the house?

Let them see the filth I lived in? Let them witness one of the bitter

fights between Nada and Dad?

Are you mad? Far safer simpy not to have friends. Not healthier, mind

you, but safer.

And if we did break the dynamics and reach out, who would hear us and

help us? How many times did you hear some form of " Well, that s your

MOTHER. " ?

Even in my family, in which I had an aunt who was truly mad, possibly an

untreated schizo affective, and was so violently abusive her 4 kids were

removed , not to be seen again till we were all in our 40s, there was a

tendency to protect the mad women my father and uncles married, under

the banner of Mom.

Of my father and 4 uncles and 2 aunts, they married: the sisters , a

pair of brothers, one of whom was violently verbally abusive, the other

a chronic alcoholic, who only finally left his parents home when my aunt

moved out and said come with me or not, a hypochondriac, hystrionic

drama queen, an agoraphobic alcoholic who locked the kids out of the

house for the day when we were there so it would not get dirty, and in

her later years had conversations with little men who werent there,

Nada, the one who was so mad her kids were taken and she was in and out

of the mental hospital.

In retrospect, it is no surprise , though it is a disappointment, that

none ever came to the rescue, none ever heard the cries for help.

We learned to hide from that truth for survival. Seeing it for real

demanded dealing with it. As so many of us have learned, that often

means that we will be the one lonely hobbit who will cut his way free of

the spider s web and run for it. The rest hang placidly, waiting for

the instatiable spider to suck their juices dry.

Doug

December 2, 2012

I agree there are many, many different scenarios. So glad to have the Group,

thank you for your insightful reply.

Twyla

From: WTOAdultChildren1

[mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 ] On Behalf Of Jill Nicely

Sent: Sunday, December 02, 2012 08:27 AM

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Subject: Re: Re: Why does it Seem to Take so Long for Ko's

to See What is Really the Truth with BPD?