Ready to walk out the door

[Guest guest]

I feel like screaming. For around 18 years my husband has blamed me for not

being able to just " take it " from his mom. I would hear things like, " why can't

I just ignore it? " " She's never gonna change " " That's just who she is " " Just get

over it " . Well guess what? Now after seeing a therapist, there is actually a

problem. The therapist is explaining to him that she thinks his mom has a

personality disorder. He emailed his mom about it and she pretty much said not

to drag her into OUR problems. So now he doesn't want to talk about it, doesn't

want to read any books about it. Doesn't want to admit his mom might have a

problem. In fact he keeps waiting for her to email him back and apologize

because he just needs his mom so much.

I am ready to just leave.

S-

[Guest guest]

I'm so sorry; that's a truly tough situation to be in. As you are probably

becoming aware of if you've been a member here for very long, its not possible

to force the person with bpd to change themselves. The person with bpd is the

only one with the power to change herself or himself; we can't " make " them, they

have to want to change.

The challenge for the adult child of a parent with bpd, is to realize that the

only power WE have is to change our own self, our own perceptions, our own

reactions. We can decide that we're not going to make ourselves available for

abuse by creating personal boundaries for ourselves and enacting consequences

for boundary violation.

In my opinion, if your husband can achieve a level of personal insight RE his

relationship with his mother, meaning if he can realize that she isn't likely to

change, and if he can achieve a healthier, more adult level of emotional

detachment from her, then there is a chance that the situation will improve.

I can't imagine how difficult it is to marry into a family with an unhealthy,

bpd parent/ non-pd adult child dynamic going on. I feel for your pain.

The only power YOU have, is over your own self. I hope you will find ways to

protect yourself from the toxic mess that is bpd. Perhaps reading the " Medium

Chill " article would help. (Its at post 132289 of this Group.)

-Annie

>

> I feel like screaming. For around 18 years my husband has blamed me for not

being able to just " take it " from his mom. I would hear things like, " why can't

I just ignore it? " " She's never gonna change " " That's just who she is " " Just get

over it " . Well guess what? Now after seeing a therapist, there is actually a

problem. The therapist is explaining to him that she thinks his mom has a

personality disorder. He emailed his mom about it and she pretty much said not

to drag her into OUR problems. So now he doesn't want to talk about it, doesn't

want to read any books about it. Doesn't want to admit his mom might have a

problem. In fact he keeps waiting for her to email him back and apologize

because he just needs his mom so much.

>

> I am ready to just leave.

>

> S-

>

[Guest guest]

Sandy,

I'm sorry you're in this position. He's probably right in saying

she's never going to change. That doesn't mean you should ignore

it though. It sounds like he is continuing to stay in the land

of denial and possibly like he's too enmeshed with her. If his

mother is causing problems in your relationship and he refuses

to work on solving the problems because he can't admit that she

has a problem or that she is causing a problem in your marriage,

you're left with the choice of doing what you can yourself and

putting up with the rest or leaving. When a man puts his mother

before his wife, that's not what marriage is about. I hope you

can find a way through this that works for you.

At 11:02 AM 12/02/2012 sandy wrote:

>I feel like screaming. For around 18 years my husband has

>blamed me for not being able to just " take it " from his mom. I

>would hear things like, " why can't I just ignore it? " " She's

>never gonna change " " That's just who she is " " Just get over

>it " . Well guess what? Now after seeing a therapist, there is

>actually a problem. The therapist is explaining to him that

>she thinks his mom has a personality disorder. He emailed his

>mom about it and she pretty much said not to drag her into OUR

>problems. So now he doesn't want to talk about it, doesn't

>want to read any books about it. Doesn't want to admit his mom

>might have a problem. In fact he keeps waiting for her to

>email him back and apologize because he just needs his mom so

>much.

>

>I am ready to just leave.

>

>S-

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

Sandy - that is SO hard! I'm sorry you're going through that. It sounds to

me like the nada-in-law is wanting him to choose between you and her and you

feel he is choosing his mother. I would highly recommend not forcing the

issue and find a way to keep your boundaries without pushing your husband

into an ultimatum. He clearly is not ready to see the truth of the

situation and you are clearly VERY frustrated, understandably so, but maybe

your husband is feeling bullied on both sides and he is shutting down

because he can't handle the strain. Of course only you know what you're

faced with so I don't want you to be offended by my suggestions. That is a

terrible position to be in. L