Guest guest Posted December 2, 2012 Report Share Posted December 2, 2012 Did anyone face their nada's refusal to allow them to become a physical adult? Please allow me to unburden myself of a shameful secret that will illustrate my point. I was 11 when my first period started while I was away at summer camp. Mom refused to believe it had happened. She refused to buy supplies for me and said I could use her tampons IF I was really having my period. I often tried but could not get them in. For years, I borrowed supplies from friends and the school counselor. Sometimes I had " accidents " which caused me a great deal of shame and embarrassment. At these times I would beg for supplies and nada would tell me that I didn't need them and that she would never buy them. I was a junior in high school before mom would verbally recognize menses as a function of my body and add the supplies I needed to our shopping cart! How and why my puberty triggered nada's fear of abandonment I fail to understand. Thank you for allowing me to unpack another part of my baggage. It helps. Beth Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 2, 2012 Report Share Posted December 2, 2012 For whatever reason, although my nada did do the responsible thing and gave me a booklet about the menstrual cycle and got me the supplies I needed, she refused to believe that my cycles were often intensely painful. She would interpret my pleas for help and tears as me just being a drama queen and trying to get attention. I was in agony, sometimes to the point of vomiting. Nada's dismissal of my very real pain was like a slap in the face; another indicator that she didn't really care about my feelings and she was willing (eager) to believe that I was lying to her. And she made me believe that I was just a sorry wuss and other women felt this pain too but they could just " take it. " I accepted this as another failure on my part, another indicator that I was defective. It turned out that I had multiple, large fibroid tumors; eventually a total hysterectomy solved my problem. Being free of pain is bliss. -Annie > > Did anyone face their nada's refusal to allow them to become a physical adult? Please allow me to unburden myself of a shameful secret that will illustrate my point. > > I was 11 when my first period started while I was away at summer camp. Mom refused to believe it had happened. She refused to buy supplies for me and said I could use her tampons IF I was really having my period. I often tried but could not get them in. For years, I borrowed supplies from friends and the school counselor. Sometimes I had " accidents " which caused me a great deal of shame and embarrassment. At these times I would beg for supplies and nada would tell me that I didn't need them and that she would never buy them. I was a junior in high school before mom would verbally recognize menses as a function of my body and add the supplies I needed to our shopping cart! > > > > How and why my puberty triggered nada's fear of abandonment I fail to understand. > > > > Thank you for allowing me to unpack another part of my baggage. It helps. > > > > Beth > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 2, 2012 Report Share Posted December 2, 2012 Sounds terrible to go through that. I'm so sorry. My Nada became obsessed when my periods started. She wanted to know how much was on the sanitary towel and she seemed to be interested in other young women's periods too. I responded to her persistent questioning after i visited the toilet by just refusing to answer her. She didn't like it, but surprisingly, it worked! Sounds like Beth's mother was in denial because she was jealous. I know my Nada was jealous too but it came out in other ways. > > > > Did anyone face their nada's refusal to allow them to become a physical adult? Please allow me to unburden myself of a shameful secret that will illustrate my point. > > > > I was 11 when my first period started while I was away at summer camp. Mom refused to believe it had happened. She refused to buy supplies for me and said I could use her tampons IF I was really having my period. I often tried but could not get them in. For years, I borrowed supplies from friends and the school counselor. Sometimes I had " accidents " which caused me a great deal of shame and embarrassment. At these times I would beg for supplies and nada would tell me that I didn't need them and that she would never buy them. I was a junior in high school before mom would verbally recognize menses as a function of my body and add the supplies I needed to our shopping cart! > > > > > > > > How and why my puberty triggered nada's fear of abandonment I fail to understand. > > > > > > > > Thank you for allowing me to unpack another part of my baggage. It helps. > > > > > > > > Beth > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 2, 2012 Report Share Posted December 2, 2012 I had a similar experience with my nada, even before my period. When my body started developing, my nada would call attention to it infront of the whole family. Bra shopping left me in tears. She took all four kids and was so disgusted and angry I had to have one because going without was 'getting embarrassing '. My period -nada made me wear her gigantuar pads. I would cut them down to size so they fit. My little sister had it worse. She walked around a full day bleeding all over everything. I had to take her aside, myself at fourteen, and explain basic women 's body development and give her some pads. She had NO clue what was happening to her. She saw what happened to me and was too afraid to talk to nada, so she pretended it wasn't happening, hoping it would go away. My nada didn't 't even know until we were shopping a few months later and I mentioned the need for extra pads. -S > > > > Did anyone face their nada's refusal to allow them to become a physical adult? Please allow me to unburden myself of a shameful secret that will illustrate my point. > > > > I was 11 when my first period started while I was away at summer camp. Mom refused to believe it had happened. She refused to buy supplies for me and said I could use her tampons IF I was really having my period. I often tried but could not get them in. For years, I borrowed supplies from friends and the school counselor. Sometimes I had " accidents " which caused me a great deal of shame and embarrassment. At these times I would beg for supplies and nada would tell me that I didn't need them and that she would never buy them. I was a junior in high school before mom would verbally recognize menses as a function of my body and add the supplies I needed to our shopping cart! > > > > > > > > How and why my puberty triggered nada's fear of abandonment I fail to understand. > > > > > > > > Thank you for allowing me to unpack another part of my baggage. It helps. > > > > > > > > Beth > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 2, 2012 Report Share Posted December 2, 2012 I've said this before on here, but Nada used to " tweak " my breasts when i started developing, which i hated. She would also grope me between the legs (when dressed)saying i had " cotton " hanging from my crotch. The last time she did it was when i was 39! I was complaining my trousers were too tight and she just lunged at my crotch area to pull my trousers down! This was on a hospital ward when we were visiting my Dad! My therapist advised me to shout loudly if she ever does it again saying something like " stop it you pervert! " She won't listen when i tell her it's inappropriate, so i suppose that shouting in public would be the only thing that would get through to her. > > > > > > Did anyone face their nada's refusal to allow them to become a physical adult? Please allow me to unburden myself of a shameful secret that will illustrate my point. > > > > > > I was 11 when my first period started while I was away at summer camp. Mom refused to believe it had happened. She refused to buy supplies for me and said I could use her tampons IF I was really having my period. I often tried but could not get them in. For years, I borrowed supplies from friends and the school counselor. Sometimes I had " accidents " which caused me a great deal of shame and embarrassment. At these times I would beg for supplies and nada would tell me that I didn't need them and that she would never buy them. I was a junior in high school before mom would verbally recognize menses as a function of my body and add the supplies I needed to our shopping cart! > > > > > > > > > > > > How and why my puberty triggered nada's fear of abandonment I fail to understand. > > > > > > > > > > > > Thank you for allowing me to unpack another part of my baggage. It helps. > > > > > > > > > > > > Beth > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 3, 2012 Report Share Posted December 3, 2012 Considering most nadas are so sexual in their behavior, I wonder why this normal part of a woman's life drives them nuts? In my case, my nada took me in for a pelvic exam at age 7 because I was having some minor bleeding from there. She stood right there watching every movement and grinning because she found it funny. No stroking my head or holding my hand. Then back in the old days, there were few choices on pad sizes. When she thought I needed a pad (complete with the belt to hold it on), she would march into my classroom and hand a paper sack with pad and belt to my teacher and explain what it was. Of course the bag had my name on it in big letters. And like you jeanie, there was a time when my nada grabbed my crotch (I was about 15 at the time). It shocked me, I jumped back and said, " Mom!! " She got angry, told me she made me and could do what she wanted with me. Fortunately for me, that was the only time she did it. I'm sorry you're still facing this. It's a horrible feeling to be grabbed like that. I agree: speak out in a loud voice. You're not doing anything embarrassing. She is. It took me a long time to figure that out with nada's behavior. When she does bizarre things, I sit back and let people gawk at her. She's making a fool out of herself, not me. > > > > > > > > Did anyone face their nada's refusal to allow them to become a physical adult? Please allow me to unburden myself of a shameful secret that will illustrate my point. > > > > > > > > I was 11 when my first period started while I was away at summer camp. Mom refused to believe it had happened. She refused to buy supplies for me and said I could use her tampons IF I was really having my period. I often tried but could not get them in. For years, I borrowed supplies from friends and the school counselor. Sometimes I had " accidents " which caused me a great deal of shame and embarrassment. At these times I would beg for supplies and nada would tell me that I didn't need them and that she would never buy them. I was a junior in high school before mom would verbally recognize menses as a function of my body and add the supplies I needed to our shopping cart! > > > > Beth > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 3, 2012 Report Share Posted December 3, 2012 I think there could be several reasons why a mother with bpd or bpd/npd/aspd may exhibit abnormal, inappropriate sexual behaviors, shaming/humiliating/degrading behaviors or negligence/ignoring/denial behaviors toward her own daughter's entry into puberty. *Lack of boundaries: In nada's mind, she and her daughter are the same entity. Her child is merely an extra appendage attached to nada, without a mind or feelings of its own: this extra arm-thing is not a separate, individual human being. So why shouldn't nada touch a part of her own body in any way she wishes to? (Her daughter's body IS nada's body, in her mind.) *Nada's daughter is the competition: In nada's mind, her daughter is actually nada's sibling and/or rival for the attention of men and/or the attention of " daddy " . As her daughter enters puberty nada is triggered into wildly competitive feelings, so she ignores the signs of puberty in her daughter, and/or denigrates her daughter's developing adult, feminine attributes out of sheer jealousy. *nada has unresolved sexual feelings for women: perhaps nada has sexual feelings for other women but has never allowed herself to be consciously aware of it. Observing her daughter developing into an adult perhaps triggers repressed feelings or memories from nada's own puberty (when nada first had sexual feelings for other girls or had sexual contact with other girls) and these triggered memories/feelings result in inappropriate sexual fondling or ogling under the guise of " I gave birth to you so I can look at you or touch you in any way I choose. " Or nada is reacting to her own feelings of shame; nada ignores/denies her daughter's developing body as a way to avoid experiencing feelings of attraction. *nada hates being a woman: nada could be filled with self-loathing of her own femininity. Perhaps nada views women (herself included) as inherently inferior to males, so in nada's mind her daughters are not worthy of love or even basic respect or human dignity. Or, perhaps her daughter entering puberty reminds nada of horrible things that happened to nada at that time in nada's life, such as a rape, incest, forced marriage, forced prostitution, etc., and so she responds in inappropriate ways to the " trigger " of puberty. That's all I can think of at the moment; I'm sure there must be other possible issues going on as well. -Annie > > Considering most nadas are so sexual in their behavior, I wonder why this normal part of a woman's life drives them nuts? In my case, my nada took me in for a pelvic exam at age 7 because I was having some minor bleeding from there. She stood right there watching every movement and grinning because she found it funny. No stroking my head or holding my hand. > > Then back in the old days, there were few choices on pad sizes. When she thought I needed a pad (complete with the belt to hold it on), she would march into my classroom and hand a paper sack with pad and belt to my teacher and explain what it was. Of course the bag had my name on it in big letters. > > And like you jeanie, there was a time when my nada grabbed my crotch (I was about 15 at the time). It shocked me, I jumped back and said, " Mom!! " She got angry, told me she made me and could do what she wanted with me. Fortunately for me, that was the only time she did it. > > I'm sorry you're still facing this. It's a horrible feeling to be grabbed like that. I agree: speak out in a loud voice. You're not doing anything embarrassing. She is. It took me a long time to figure that out with nada's behavior. When she does bizarre things, I sit back and let people gawk at her. She's making a fool out of herself, not me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 4, 2012 Report Share Posted December 4, 2012 As I read these posts, I am reminded of memories I was somehow able to suppress. I have always felt like an accessory to my mother, and one of the reasons we had major conflict during my teenage years as I was exerting my individuality. To this day, if she says I love you it sounds 1-hollow and 2- like someone expressing love for an object. Recently, while working with a therapist I began to understand nada was jealous of me during my teen years. Her behavior left me confused and hurt. Our relationship is still strained because of how she treated me 30 years ago, and because she refuses to show any accountability. I don't remember her grabbing my crouch but she did grab my breast or make comments about them frequently. And she let too many neighbors know I had started my cycle I also think my puberty triggered emotional memories for her as I know my mother was brutalized when she was 12/13 because of choices her mother made. Her mother remarried and allowed her husband to beat my mother regularly. Nada's Nada then put my mother in an orphanage where she was sexually and physically abused. A relative was able to get custody but the abuse had already happened. Decades later the aftermath still continues both for my mother, and for my nada's children. When I think of how her nada treated her, I have compassion for my mother. When I think how my nada treated me I just feel some type of way... ultimate splitting. Thank you for posting. Your sharing has helped me tremendously. It is the safest place I have to share, read what others share and know I am not alone. MyReality > > > > Considering most nadas are so sexual in their behavior, I wonder why this normal part of a woman's life drives them nuts? In my case, my nada took me in for a pelvic exam at age 7 because I was having some minor bleeding from there. She stood right there watching every movement and grinning because she found it funny. No stroking my head or holding my hand. > > > > Then back in the old days, there were few choices on pad sizes. When she thought I needed a pad (complete with the belt to hold it on), she would march into my classroom and hand a paper sack with pad and belt to my teacher and explain what it was. Of course the bag had my name on it in big letters. > > > > And like you jeanie, there was a time when my nada grabbed my crotch (I was about 15 at the time). It shocked me, I jumped back and said, " Mom!! " She got angry, told me she made me and could do what she wanted with me. Fortunately for me, that was the only time she did it. > > > > I'm sorry you're still facing this. It's a horrible feeling to be grabbed like that. I agree: speak out in a loud voice. You're not doing anything embarrassing. She is. It took me a long time to figure that out with nada's behavior. When she does bizarre things, I sit back and let people gawk at her. She's making a fool out of herself, not me. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 5, 2012 Report Share Posted December 5, 2012 Here is another possible reason that a mother with bpd might have an abnormal, negative, or inappropriate reaction to her daughter hitting puberty, based on one of the core issues of borderline pd: *Fear of abandonment: To stave off her extreme, abnormal bpd " abandonment " fears, a nada will perhaps ignore and deny that her daughter has reached puberty. Or, a nada might emotionally attack her daughter (shame, humiliate, degrade her daughter's changing body) because nada feels " betrayed " , as in, " After all I've done for you, how dare you do this to me!? " as though growing up and leaving home to have an adult life is " wrong. " This also explains my own nada's un-bpd-like reaction when I hit puberty; my borderline pd/narcissistic pd nada was apparently OK with the idea of me growing up and leaving home, because my nada never actually liked me (as she admitted in her journal.) And nada would still have my Sister at home with her; nada identified with Sister and felt attached to her (and yet still subjected Sister to horrific emotional and physical abuse in much the same way she'd treated me. Go figure.) -Annie > > I think there could be several reasons why a mother with bpd or bpd/npd/aspd may exhibit abnormal, inappropriate sexual behaviors, shaming/humiliating/degrading behaviors or negligence/ignoring/denial behaviors toward her own daughter's entry into puberty. > > *Lack of boundaries: In nada's mind, she and her daughter are the same entity. Her child is merely an extra appendage attached to nada, without a mind or feelings of its own: this extra arm-thing is not a separate, individual human being. So why shouldn't nada touch a part of her own body in any way she wishes to? (Her daughter's body IS nada's body, in her mind.) > > *Nada's daughter is the competition: In nada's mind, her daughter is actually nada's sibling and/or rival for the attention of men and/or the attention of " daddy " . As her daughter enters puberty nada is triggered into wildly competitive feelings, so she ignores the signs of puberty in her daughter, and/or denigrates her daughter's developing adult, feminine attributes out of sheer jealousy. > > *nada has unresolved sexual feelings for women: perhaps nada has sexual feelings for other women but has never allowed herself to be consciously aware of it. Observing her daughter developing into an adult perhaps triggers repressed feelings or memories from nada's own puberty (when nada first had sexual feelings for other girls or had sexual contact with other girls) and these triggered memories/feelings result in inappropriate sexual fondling or ogling under the guise of " I gave birth to you so I can look at you or touch you in any way I choose. " Or nada is reacting to her own feelings of shame; nada ignores/denies her daughter's developing body as a way to avoid experiencing feelings of attraction. > > *nada hates being a woman: nada could be filled with self-loathing of her own femininity. Perhaps nada views women (herself included) as inherently inferior to males, so in nada's mind her daughters are not worthy of love or even basic respect or human dignity. Or, perhaps her daughter entering puberty reminds nada of horrible things that happened to nada at that time in nada's life, such as a rape, incest, forced marriage, forced prostitution, etc., and so she responds in inappropriate ways to the " trigger " of puberty. > > That's all I can think of at the moment; I'm sure there must be other possible issues going on as well. > > -Annie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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