quite long story about new friend and Sandy, triggering nada-reactions

[Guest guest]

Hurricane Sandy was what I would call a meaningful coincidence for me.

I had a sort of perfect storm of my own this past few days.

It began a week ago when a rather new friend in my life, found fault with me.

I am sure my friend did not mean me harm. Hurt people do indeed hurt other

people. I know she is not a bad person, but she needs too much from our very new

friendship. Actually, our friendship is an Alanon one, where she is new to

program dealing with the whole enchilada for the first time, in this context. I

supposedly have some recovery from my FOO. I thought ours was the kind of

relationship where I was being asked to share my strengths. She is not my

sponsee; we agreed we would develop a friendship.

I've met up weekly with this friend for the past 6 to 8 weeks. Just recently,

I'd begun to feel just like I felt with my nada, when nada and I had our

sit-down talks that lasted for hours and had no ACTIVITY to break up the

conversation. Just like therapy, actually. One week I asked if we might go for

a walk to add some side-by-side activity to our talks. I realized that I was

not up for hearing repeats of where she foound fault with every member of her

family... . I found a good stopping point and listened to my body, and bid a

cordial adieu and took myself home for a nap.

We missed seeing each other the next week, except for our 12-step meeting where

we met. That felt good, actually, for it was giving me time for other

activities, like Yoga and meditation.

Then, last Monday she wanted to meet up suddenly during the middle of a

deadline. I respected my boundaries and shared my concern for her, and that this

might be a chance for her to follow up with somone else in our shared program.

(and I did not set up a time to visit with her until she contacted me again the

next day.) When I met up with her last Wednesday, this time when she wanted to

vent again. I thought I might normalize our time together, if I had her over

for lunch, but made the mistake of givng too much information: that I'd make

brownies while she was there...

As it seemed clear to me this would not work for her, I modified my plans and

made the brownies first.

I accommodated my friend, by meeting in public as planned, not my home. As soon

as we sat down, she made a huge thing about my wanting to include her in a

normal aspect of my life.... brownies, were going to keep her needs from being

focused on fully. She did not like my changing our plans at the last minute.

She had not thought I was going to be giving her quality time when I invited her

to come to my house... She even thought the mention of the brownies meant our

getting together at all, was secondary. I KNEW in my deepest heart this was not

true. Of course, I wanted to explain, but she made it clear her need to share

her stuff about her reactions to ME, was more important.

Just like therapy, perhaps? As if she were a client, and she were paying me, and

I was not delivering.

It got worse for me, when this friend started to analyze me and decide that I

was trying to do too much in my life. Something that was so incorrect I could

not agree. I spend lots of time alone, to get used to my new home, and then

venture out in public as I feel ready. This is a small town, fishbowl.

Then, in this public setting, she started pointing out to me where she has

found me inadequate and identified the things she needs in a friendship. Then I

felt inadequate, as I perceived my reluctance (and inability) to meet HER needs,

I got defensive, and quiet. I tried to stay quiet and listen.

She saw most of what I am and what I do, in a negative light, and proceeded to

share what she did not like about my phone " style " as she calls it. If I recall

correctly, that's when told me I was not listening to HER when I shared what her

words meant to ME....

We could have had a really bad argument. I just barely kept myself from

becoming uncivil, because I was still valuing the friendship idea, at that

point. But, I get pretty afraid when I hear mistruths told about me, or

someone analyzing me using words that are so often negative. It was too much

like nada projecting on me as a child and adolescent.

I was effectively told to shut up and listen (though more kindl).... But I was

afraid if I said nothing, then my silence may be misperceived too. I felt in a

Catch-22.

It even seemed that my good boundaries and my usually good communication skills

had gotten me in trouble.

I lost my good view of myself in that conversation.

That night, I lost sleep. I simply found my mind fretting at what had happened

and finding no solutions. Good sleep is an important aspect of my health. To

lose hours of sleep over a problem I cannot solve, is a quite a problem. What

happens is am vitually useless the next day, and I lose my usually good

cognition. I am much harder on myself than usual, and that can spin into

relapse.

Even so, I learned that, certain friends from my old hometown are willing to

help, me get through this kind of trial. I am go grateful for those good friends

who had told me to call them if I needed to. And one friend, who happens to be a

therapist herself (because of her Famly of Origin issuess) called me

spontaneously, during my worst hour that first day after the night of poor

sleep. I also have a good therapist in my new home town who sees my strengths

and understands WHY I am triggered so easily, and he coached me through this,

without overmuch time investment on either of our parts, over the weekend.

I am glad for one of the most important principles of the program I participate

in. " I Need People. " I began by affirming others I know, by looking for the

good, as soon as I got a complete night's sleep.

However, within two days time, my DH was scheduled to leave for a conference

right held in the zone that was to be affected by Sandy.

Prior to my talk with my friend (prior to which I really was in a good place in

my day to day life), I was planning to just handle DH's his time away in my

usual sturdy way, but when I got triggered by this one-on-one conversation, my

husband got concerned, and rightfully, so did I.

I decided to limit my internet communications during the time DH was away,

knowing that staying in my new reality (fishbowl though it is, living in a

smaller town), would help me stay better grounded.

I went for a walk each day. I was present for my son, during this triggering

time, and did not analyze my problems with him. He chose a movie for us

Saturday night, for us both to watch. Even though I was having a hard time

focusing, because of my anxiety, I made it a priority to shop and learn how to

use Red Box, and deal positively with the first choice movie not being

available. I made it home safe from the shopping trip. And sane. And glad to be

home.

I checked in each day by phone with a good friend one time zone away.

I even dealt with my challenging face to face friend. She texted me the day my

husband was headed to DC, asking to get together. WTF? I would have said no

anyways, because I needed a less intense friendship. DH's out of town trip made

it even more imperative to nurture myself, and stay home. So it was easy to say

no. I called her later in the day to help her with her feelings and communicate

honestly and simply, and it was still slightly too much for me.

She called me again, two days later, when DH was away. At the time of her

call, I had just discovered DH was more impacted by the storm than I'd

expected, his return flight had been canceled! This was the final piece of

this being a perfect storm for me, in that my husband had also been travelling

and got stuck in Phili airport during 9/11. I did not share these personal

details ith my friend.

I simply told her I was playing my week by ear, and could not make time to get

together. I also told hermight not even be attending our shared 12-step

meeting, depending on my husband's travel plans.

Then I went back to get honest with myself about my emotions about my family

concerns. I choose not to lean on this friend for that, ashe had proven herself

an unreliable mirror for ME.

When I realized I was being triggered again by the uncertainty of this storm, it

really helped me to understand that others had their own triggering (and their

pet's) responses to the anticipation of the storm. It helped me too check in

with an aunt whose dog had survived Katrina. My aunt had her basement flooded

in Hurricane Irene, and I listened as she shared her emotional state and how

she was preparing and looking for the good.

The full moon too, intensified the storm effects, is also something I find my

own biophysiology responds to. The full moon frequently affected my sleep when

I was in peri-menopause. And likely still does, but I take low-dose medications

that help me stay asleep.

Yet, despite the perfect storm, I am very grateful to be able to share a small

success.

Son is well and woke me up early to get him off to school. MY DH arrived home in

time for us to have dinner out. Yes, we were all frazzled emotionally. I know

it was hard on my family to see my vulnerability surface, and my DH shows his

tension by noticing little things taht are not right. The car was parked too

close to the garage walll. I lost it, when he barked at me when he came home

and when I told me I had used the wrong checkbook to pay for a CSA for nxt year.

Alll after this big long weekend... when I had lived pretty successfully one day

at a time. For once, I had handled being triggered, by not being a burden to

any one particular person. I learned how to weather an internal storm, by not

trying to be too strong. I just kept communicating with friends I trust. People

who know about my vulnerability and who are also completely honest about where

their family of origin issues trigger them.

Guess I expected my husband to be proud of the big thing, and not sweat the

small stufff.

Oh well, we too willl be talking over the next few days. And we already laughed

this morning on the phone.

I dare say, I have more than just a few people whom I can trust with my deepest

secrets. I am becoming the good parent to myself, that I will never have.

Alas, I have to accept that there may not be such a thing as " being fully

healed " or being totally emotionally well....

There is only the journey and there are disconcerting bumps and jolts that

remind each of us, of our pasts. Never goes away. Faulkner said something about

that.

The past is never dead? Or in 12 steps the saying is, " We do not regret the

past or wish to shut the door on it. "

I have not accepted all that my mom could not do for me. Why can't I? Because I

have a child to raise, and as he grows older, I encounter new icebergs under the

surface that show me what I do not have to give my son, because I did not

receive it from my mother.

No resentments in that. I cannot accept until I am AWARE of what I missed. And

that is an ongoing discovery...

On good days, there are things to chuckle about. On the roughest days, I must

reach out to others to get what I NEED so that I can give that to my son.

I did that this weekend, and am just a wee bit proud of myself.

Thanks for letting me share, what I was chugging away at over this past week.

I don't often have such drama in my life, and for that I am grateful. Grateful

to add my story as an example of being a work in progress. Whew. Glad to be

whole and relatively sure of what I feel right now.

If you have read this far, I thank you.

PS, Glad to see a word from Doug today~

[Guest guest]

Hi,

This friend sounds " unsafe " to me.

I read an article about how the fear of disapproval drives much of human

behavior. Wish I could find the article.

Anyway, I have fairly serious social anxiety. I forced myself to join a

library group today. A very triggering experience. I asked myself what am I

scared about? I'm scared they'll disapprove. When I drive I'm afraid. Why?

I'm afraid they'll disapprove.

So I realized that I expect everyone all the time to disapprove of me and

that idea is just so stomach clenchingly unpalatable to me. Then I asked

myself why do I expect everyone to disapprove when clearly this is simply

not what is going on?

Then I realized that the reason is because my parents constantly

disapproved of me. Just all day, all week, all month, all year for decades.

Okay, duh, I know.

Why am I saying all this to you? This friend is disapproving a WHOLE LOT.

You are failing to make her happy!

You know why my parents disapproved of me? Because they weren't happy and I

wasn't doing anything about it! Whatever I did they were still unhappy.

Hence, disapproval and shame. I'm not good enough. I can't make psycho

adults magically happy.

Well, went to the library thing, everything was fine. The approval was

flowing around the room because, I don't know, seem like lots of people act

like that. Not our nutjobs though. They're not happy and it's our fault and

they'll use the one big weapon they've got: disapproval. They know they can

hurt us with it because it's the button every single person has.

Sounds like when it's time to see this " friend " get ready for a lot of

random disapproval. That's how " they " are.

On Thu, Nov 1, 2012 at 9:47 PM, V.S. smithvictoria@...>wrote:

> **

>

>

> Hurricane Sandy was what I would call a meaningful coincidence for me.

>

> I had a sort of perfect storm of my own this past few days.

>

> It began a week ago when a rather new friend in my life, found fault with

> me. I am sure my friend did not mean me harm. Hurt people do indeed hurt

> other people. I know she is not a bad person, but she needs too much from

> our very new friendship. Actually, our friendship is an Alanon one, where

> she is new to program dealing with the whole enchilada for the first time,

> in this context. I supposedly have some recovery from my FOO. I thought

> ours was the kind of relationship where I was being asked to share my

> strengths. She is not my sponsee; we agreed we would develop a friendship.

>

> I've met up weekly with this friend for the past 6 to 8 weeks. Just

> recently, I'd begun to feel just like I felt with my nada, when nada and I

> had our sit-down talks that lasted for hours and had no ACTIVITY to break

> up the conversation. Just like therapy, actually. One week I asked if we

> might go for a walk to add some side-by-side activity to our talks. I

> realized that I was not up for hearing repeats of where she foound fault

> with every member of her family... . I found a good stopping point and

> listened to my body, and bid a cordial adieu and took myself home for a nap.

>

> We missed seeing each other the next week, except for our 12-step meeting

> where we met. That felt good, actually, for it was giving me time for other

> activities, like Yoga and meditation.

>

> Then, last Monday she wanted to meet up suddenly during the middle of a

> deadline. I respected my boundaries and shared my concern for her, and that

> this might be a chance for her to follow up with somone else in our shared

> program. (and I did not set up a time to visit with her until she contacted

> me again the next day.) When I met up with her last Wednesday, this time

> when she wanted to vent again. I thought I might normalize our time

> together, if I had her over for lunch, but made the mistake of givng too

> much information: that I'd make brownies while she was there...

>

> As it seemed clear to me this would not work for her, I modified my plans

> and made the brownies first.

>

> I accommodated my friend, by meeting in public as planned, not my home. As

> soon as we sat down, she made a huge thing about my wanting to include her

> in a normal aspect of my life.... brownies, were going to keep her needs

> from being focused on fully. She did not like my changing our plans at the

> last minute. She had not thought I was going to be giving her quality time

> when I invited her to come to my house... She even thought the mention of

> the brownies meant our getting together at all, was secondary. I KNEW in my

> deepest heart this was not true. Of course, I wanted to explain, but she

> made it clear her need to share her stuff about her reactions to ME, was

> more important.

>

> Just like therapy, perhaps? As if she were a client, and she were paying

> me, and I was not delivering.

>

> It got worse for me, when this friend started to analyze me and decide

> that I was trying to do too much in my life. Something that was so

> incorrect I could not agree. I spend lots of time alone, to get used to my

> new home, and then venture out in public as I feel ready. This is a small

> town, fishbowl.

>

> Then, in this public setting, she started pointing out to me where she has

> found me inadequate and identified the things she needs in a friendship.

> Then I felt inadequate, as I perceived my reluctance (and inability) to

> meet HER needs, I got defensive, and quiet. I tried to stay quiet and

> listen.

>

> She saw most of what I am and what I do, in a negative light, and

> proceeded to share what she did not like about my phone " style " as she

> calls it. If I recall correctly, that's when told me I was not listening to

> HER when I shared what her words meant to ME....

>

> We could have had a really bad argument. I just barely kept myself from

> becoming uncivil, because I was still valuing the friendship idea, at that

> point. But, I get pretty afraid when I hear mistruths told about me, or

> someone analyzing me using words that are so often negative. It was too

> much like nada projecting on me as a child and adolescent.

>

> I was effectively told to shut up and listen (though more kindl).... But I

> was afraid if I said nothing, then my silence may be misperceived too. I

> felt in a Catch-22.

>

> It even seemed that my good boundaries and my usually good communication

> skills had gotten me in trouble.

>

> I lost my good view of myself in that conversation.

>

> That night, I lost sleep. I simply found my mind fretting at what had

> happened and finding no solutions. Good sleep is an important aspect of my

> health. To lose hours of sleep over a problem I cannot solve, is a quite a

> problem. What happens is am vitually useless the next day, and I lose my

> usually good cognition. I am much harder on myself than usual, and that can

> spin into relapse.

>

> Even so, I learned that, certain friends from my old hometown are willing

> to help, me get through this kind of trial. I am go grateful for those good

> friends who had told me to call them if I needed to. And one friend, who

> happens to be a therapist herself (because of her Famly of Origin issuess)

> called me spontaneously, during my worst hour that first day after the

> night of poor sleep. I also have a good therapist in my new home town who

> sees my strengths and understands WHY I am triggered so easily, and he

> coached me through this, without overmuch time investment on either of our

> parts, over the weekend.

>

> I am glad for one of the most important principles of the program I

> participate in. " I Need People. " I began by affirming others I know, by

> looking for the good, as soon as I got a complete night's sleep.

>

> However, within two days time, my DH was scheduled to leave for a

> conference right held in the zone that was to be affected by Sandy.

>

> Prior to my talk with my friend (prior to which I really was in a good

> place in my day to day life), I was planning to just handle DH's his time

> away in my usual sturdy way, but when I got triggered by this one-on-one

> conversation, my husband got concerned, and rightfully, so did I.

>

> I decided to limit my internet communications during the time DH was away,

> knowing that staying in my new reality (fishbowl though it is, living in a

> smaller town), would help me stay better grounded.

>

> I went for a walk each day. I was present for my son, during this

> triggering time, and did not analyze my problems with him. He chose a movie

> for us Saturday night, for us both to watch. Even though I was having a

> hard time focusing, because of my anxiety, I made it a priority to shop and

> learn how to use Red Box, and deal positively with the first choice movie

> not being available. I made it home safe from the shopping trip. And sane.

> And glad to be home.

>

> I checked in each day by phone with a good friend one time zone away.

>

> I even dealt with my challenging face to face friend. She texted me the

> day my husband was headed to DC, asking to get together. WTF? I would have

> said no anyways, because I needed a less intense friendship. DH's out of

> town trip made it even more imperative to nurture myself, and stay home. So

> it was easy to say no. I called her later in the day to help her with her

> feelings and communicate honestly and simply, and it was still slightly too

> much for me.

>

> She called me again, two days later, when DH was away. At the time of her

> call, I had just discovered DH was more impacted by the storm than I'd

> expected, his return flight had been canceled! This was the final piece of

> this being a perfect storm for me, in that my husband had also been

> travelling and got stuck in Phili airport during 9/11. I did not share

> these personal details ith my friend.

>

> I simply told her I was playing my week by ear, and could not make time to

> get together. I also told hermight not even be attending our shared 12-step

> meeting, depending on my husband's travel plans.

>

> Then I went back to get honest with myself about my emotions about my

> family concerns. I choose not to lean on this friend for that, ashe had

> proven herself an unreliable mirror for ME.

>

> When I realized I was being triggered again by the uncertainty of this

> storm, it really helped me to understand that others had their own

> triggering (and their pet's) responses to the anticipation of the storm. It

> helped me too check in with an aunt whose dog had survived Katrina. My aunt

> had her basement flooded in Hurricane Irene, and I listened as she shared

> her emotional state and how she was preparing and looking for the good.

>

> The full moon too, intensified the storm effects, is also something I find

> my own biophysiology responds to. The full moon frequently affected my

> sleep when I was in peri-menopause. And likely still does, but I take

> low-dose medications that help me stay asleep.

>

> Yet, despite the perfect storm, I am very grateful to be able to share a

> small success.

>

> Son is well and woke me up early to get him off to school. MY DH arrived

> home in time for us to have dinner out. Yes, we were all frazzled

> emotionally. I know it was hard on my family to see my vulnerability

> surface, and my DH shows his tension by noticing little things taht are not

> right. The car was parked too close to the garage walll. I lost it, when he

> barked at me when he came home and when I told me I had used the wrong

> checkbook to pay for a CSA for nxt year.

>

> Alll after this big long weekend... when I had lived pretty successfully

> one day at a time. For once, I had handled being triggered, by not being a

> burden to any one particular person. I learned how to weather an internal

> storm, by not trying to be too strong. I just kept communicating with

> friends I trust. People who know about my vulnerability and who are also

> completely honest about where their family of origin issues trigger them.

>

> Guess I expected my husband to be proud of the big thing, and not sweat

> the small stufff.

>

> Oh well, we too willl be talking over the next few days. And we already

> laughed this morning on the phone.

>

> I dare say, I have more than just a few people whom I can trust with my

> deepest secrets. I am becoming the good parent to myself, that I will never

> have.

>

> Alas, I have to accept that there may not be such a thing as " being fully

> healed " or being totally emotionally well....

>

> There is only the journey and there are disconcerting bumps and jolts that

> remind each of us, of our pasts. Never goes away. Faulkner said something

> about that.

>

> The past is never dead? Or in 12 steps the saying is, " We do not regret

> the past or wish to shut the door on it. "

>

> I have not accepted all that my mom could not do for me. Why can't I?

> Because I have a child to raise, and as he grows older, I encounter new

> icebergs under the surface that show me what I do not have to give my son,

> because I did not receive it from my mother.

>

> No resentments in that. I cannot accept until I am AWARE of what I missed.

> And that is an ongoing discovery...

>

> On good days, there are things to chuckle about. On the roughest days, I

> must reach out to others to get what I NEED so that I can give that to my

> son.

>

> I did that this weekend, and am just a wee bit proud of myself.

>

> Thanks for letting me share, what I was chugging away at over this past

> week.

>

> I don't often have such drama in my life, and for that I am grateful.

> Grateful to add my story as an example of being a work in progress. Whew.

> Glad to be whole and relatively sure of what I feel right now.

>

> If you have read this far, I thank you.

>

>

>

> PS, Glad to see a word from Doug today~

>

>

[Guest guest]

,

this alanon friend sounds like she is your next lesson in boundaries. I find the

behavior you described her doing as being very controlling and manipulative. You

have to do what you feel is right in this situation.

I found that I attracted many " nada-esque " friends and looking back, I see that

they were opportunities to develope my strenth at setting and enforcing healthy

boundaries. They say that they train people in banks to detect counterfiet

bills, not by showing them other counterfiets, but by making them study REAL

bills thoroughly. Understanding how they feel, the exact color of the ink and

even detecting differences in smell. The more you study about BPD and

understand it, the faster you will spot it and nip those relationships in the

bud. It is great practice for dealing with the worst BPD's in our lives (our

family members) After kicking a few BPD type friends out of my life, it made it

much easier to stand up to my own nada and enforce my boundaries.

C

[Guest guest]

Hi Millicent and , you know why I'm scared of doing things like your

library group and alanon - though I really do need to? I'm scared if there's

even ONE unbalanced crazy person in that group that they will be unstoppably

drawn to me and try to force a relationship with me. And oh yeah, all the

normal people will find nothing in common or of interest with me and walk away

leaving me alone in the corner with the crazy person. I know it sounds nuts

but this has actually happened to me many times.

So , for me your Alanon woman would set off my triggers around that

pattern for sure. There is value in just being honest with yourself that it

isn't working, not working and step away. She clearly has needs that she

shouldn't put on you but rather bring to therapy. Her insisting on " taking

your inventory " (I think that's an AA word) is something she doesn't have a

right to do.

Eliza

>

> > **

> >

> >

> > Hurricane Sandy was what I would call a meaningful coincidence for me.

> >

> > I had a sort of perfect storm of my own this past few days.

> >

> > It began a week ago when a rather new friend in my life, found fault with

> > me. I am sure my friend did not mean me harm. Hurt people do indeed hurt

> > other people. I know she is not a bad person, but she needs too much from

> > our very new friendship. Actually, our friendship is an Alanon one, where

> > she is new to program dealing with the whole enchilada for the first time,

> > in this context. I supposedly have some recovery from my FOO. I thought

> > ours was the kind of relationship where I was being asked to share my

> > strengths. She is not my sponsee; we agreed we would develop a friendship.

> >

> > I've met up weekly with this friend for the past 6 to 8 weeks. Just

> > recently, I'd begun to feel just like I felt with my nada, when nada and I

> > had our sit-down talks that lasted for hours and had no ACTIVITY to break

> > up the conversation. Just like therapy, actually. One week I asked if we

> > might go for a walk to add some side-by-side activity to our talks. I

> > realized that I was not up for hearing repeats of where she foound fault

> > with every member of her family... . I found a good stopping point and

> > listened to my body, and bid a cordial adieu and took myself home for a nap.

> >

> > We missed seeing each other the next week, except for our 12-step meeting

> > where we met. That felt good, actually, for it was giving me time for other

> > activities, like Yoga and meditation.

> >

> > Then, last Monday she wanted to meet up suddenly during the middle of a

> > deadline. I respected my boundaries and shared my concern for her, and that

> > this might be a chance for her to follow up with somone else in our shared

> > program. (and I did not set up a time to visit with her until she contacted

> > me again the next day.) When I met up with her last Wednesday, this time

> > when she wanted to vent again. I thought I might normalize our time

> > together, if I had her over for lunch, but made the mistake of givng too

> > much information: that I'd make brownies while she was there...

> >

> > As it seemed clear to me this would not work for her, I modified my plans

> > and made the brownies first.

> >

> > I accommodated my friend, by meeting in public as planned, not my home. As

> > soon as we sat down, she made a huge thing about my wanting to include her

> > in a normal aspect of my life.... brownies, were going to keep her needs

> > from being focused on fully. She did not like my changing our plans at the

> > last minute. She had not thought I was going to be giving her quality time

> > when I invited her to come to my house... She even thought the mention of

> > the brownies meant our getting together at all, was secondary. I KNEW in my

> > deepest heart this was not true. Of course, I wanted to explain, but she

> > made it clear her need to share her stuff about her reactions to ME, was

> > more important.

> >

> > Just like therapy, perhaps? As if she were a client, and she were paying

> > me, and I was not delivering.

> >

> > It got worse for me, when this friend started to analyze me and decide

> > that I was trying to do too much in my life. Something that was so

> > incorrect I could not agree. I spend lots of time alone, to get used to my

> > new home, and then venture out in public as I feel ready. This is a small

> > town, fishbowl.

> >

> > Then, in this public setting, she started pointing out to me where she has

> > found me inadequate and identified the things she needs in a friendship.

> > Then I felt inadequate, as I perceived my reluctance (and inability) to

> > meet HER needs, I got defensive, and quiet. I tried to stay quiet and

> > listen.

> >

> > She saw most of what I am and what I do, in a negative light, and

> > proceeded to share what she did not like about my phone " style " as she

> > calls it. If I recall correctly, that's when told me I was not listening to

> > HER when I shared what her words meant to ME....

> >

> > We could have had a really bad argument. I just barely kept myself from

> > becoming uncivil, because I was still valuing the friendship idea, at that

> > point. But, I get pretty afraid when I hear mistruths told about me, or

> > someone analyzing me using words that are so often negative. It was too

> > much like nada projecting on me as a child and adolescent.

> >

> > I was effectively told to shut up and listen (though more kindl).... But I

> > was afraid if I said nothing, then my silence may be misperceived too. I

> > felt in a Catch-22.

> >

> > It even seemed that my good boundaries and my usually good communication

> > skills had gotten me in trouble.

> >

> > I lost my good view of myself in that conversation.

> >

> > That night, I lost sleep. I simply found my mind fretting at what had

> > happened and finding no solutions. Good sleep is an important aspect of my

> > health. To lose hours of sleep over a problem I cannot solve, is a quite a

> > problem. What happens is am vitually useless the next day, and I lose my

> > usually good cognition. I am much harder on myself than usual, and that can

> > spin into relapse.

> >

> > Even so, I learned that, certain friends from my old hometown are willing

> > to help, me get through this kind of trial. I am go grateful for those good

> > friends who had told me to call them if I needed to. And one friend, who

> > happens to be a therapist herself (because of her Famly of Origin issuess)

> > called me spontaneously, during my worst hour that first day after the

> > night of poor sleep. I also have a good therapist in my new home town who

> > sees my strengths and understands WHY I am triggered so easily, and he

> > coached me through this, without overmuch time investment on either of our

> > parts, over the weekend.

> >

> > I am glad for one of the most important principles of the program I

> > participate in. " I Need People. " I began by affirming others I know, by

> > looking for the good, as soon as I got a complete night's sleep.

> >

> > However, within two days time, my DH was scheduled to leave for a

> > conference right held in the zone that was to be affected by Sandy.

> >

> > Prior to my talk with my friend (prior to which I really was in a good

> > place in my day to day life), I was planning to just handle DH's his time

> > away in my usual sturdy way, but when I got triggered by this one-on-one

> > conversation, my husband got concerned, and rightfully, so did I.

> >

> > I decided to limit my internet communications during the time DH was away,

> > knowing that staying in my new reality (fishbowl though it is, living in a

> > smaller town), would help me stay better grounded.

> >

> > I went for a walk each day. I was present for my son, during this

> > triggering time, and did not analyze my problems with him. He chose a movie

> > for us Saturday night, for us both to watch. Even though I was having a

> > hard time focusing, because of my anxiety, I made it a priority to shop and

> > learn how to use Red Box, and deal positively with the first choice movie

> > not being available. I made it home safe from the shopping trip. And sane.

> > And glad to be home.

> >

> > I checked in each day by phone with a good friend one time zone away.

> >

> > I even dealt with my challenging face to face friend. She texted me the

> > day my husband was headed to DC, asking to get together. WTF? I would have

> > said no anyways, because I needed a less intense friendship. DH's out of

> > town trip made it even more imperative to nurture myself, and stay home. So

> > it was easy to say no. I called her later in the day to help her with her

> > feelings and communicate honestly and simply, and it was still slightly too

> > much for me.

> >

> > She called me again, two days later, when DH was away. At the time of her

> > call, I had just discovered DH was more impacted by the storm than I'd

> > expected, his return flight had been canceled! This was the final piece of

> > this being a perfect storm for me, in that my husband had also been

> > travelling and got stuck in Phili airport during 9/11. I did not share

> > these personal details ith my friend.

> >

> > I simply told her I was playing my week by ear, and could not make time to

> > get together. I also told hermight not even be attending our shared 12-step

> > meeting, depending on my husband's travel plans.

> >

> > Then I went back to get honest with myself about my emotions about my

> > family concerns. I choose not to lean on this friend for that, ashe had

> > proven herself an unreliable mirror for ME.

> >

> > When I realized I was being triggered again by the uncertainty of this

> > storm, it really helped me to understand that others had their own

> > triggering (and their pet's) responses to the anticipation of the storm. It

> > helped me too check in with an aunt whose dog had survived Katrina. My aunt

> > had her basement flooded in Hurricane Irene, and I listened as she shared

> > her emotional state and how she was preparing and looking for the good.

> >

> > The full moon too, intensified the storm effects, is also something I find

> > my own biophysiology responds to. The full moon frequently affected my

> > sleep when I was in peri-menopause. And likely still does, but I take

> > low-dose medications that help me stay asleep.

> >

> > Yet, despite the perfect storm, I am very grateful to be able to share a

> > small success.

> >

> > Son is well and woke me up early to get him off to school. MY DH arrived

> > home in time for us to have dinner out. Yes, we were all frazzled

> > emotionally. I know it was hard on my family to see my vulnerability

> > surface, and my DH shows his tension by noticing little things taht are not

> > right. The car was parked too close to the garage walll. I lost it, when he

> > barked at me when he came home and when I told me I had used the wrong

> > checkbook to pay for a CSA for nxt year.

> >

> > Alll after this big long weekend... when I had lived pretty successfully

> > one day at a time. For once, I had handled being triggered, by not being a

> > burden to any one particular person. I learned how to weather an internal

> > storm, by not trying to be too strong. I just kept communicating with

> > friends I trust. People who know about my vulnerability and who are also

> > completely honest about where their family of origin issues trigger them.

> >

> > Guess I expected my husband to be proud of the big thing, and not sweat

> > the small stufff.

> >

> > Oh well, we too willl be talking over the next few days. And we already

> > laughed this morning on the phone.

> >

> > I dare say, I have more than just a few people whom I can trust with my

> > deepest secrets. I am becoming the good parent to myself, that I will never

> > have.

> >

> > Alas, I have to accept that there may not be such a thing as " being fully

> > healed " or being totally emotionally well....

> >

> > There is only the journey and there are disconcerting bumps and jolts that

> > remind each of us, of our pasts. Never goes away. Faulkner said something

> > about that.

> >

> > The past is never dead? Or in 12 steps the saying is, " We do not regret

> > the past or wish to shut the door on it. "

> >

> > I have not accepted all that my mom could not do for me. Why can't I?

> > Because I have a child to raise, and as he grows older, I encounter new

> > icebergs under the surface that show me what I do not have to give my son,

> > because I did not receive it from my mother.

> >

> > No resentments in that. I cannot accept until I am AWARE of what I missed.

> > And that is an ongoing discovery...

> >

> > On good days, there are things to chuckle about. On the roughest days, I

> > must reach out to others to get what I NEED so that I can give that to my

> > son.

> >

> > I did that this weekend, and am just a wee bit proud of myself.

> >

> > Thanks for letting me share, what I was chugging away at over this past

> > week.

> >

> > I don't often have such drama in my life, and for that I am grateful.

> > Grateful to add my story as an example of being a work in progress. Whew.

> > Glad to be whole and relatively sure of what I feel right now.

> >

> > If you have read this far, I thank you.

> >

> >

> >

> > PS, Glad to see a word from Doug today~

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Hi seven!

The group was nice but one lady came in with a status conscious outfit and was

dropping fancy names like " brown " and " Cambridge " . It was a tad triggering but I

just figured she's an n or an acon and ill keep my distance for now. Our " no " is

powerful and we can use it.

> Hi Millicent and , you know why I'm scared of doing things like your

library group and alanon - though I really do need to? I'm scared if there's

even ONE unbalanced crazy person in that group that they will be unstoppably

drawn to me and try to force a relationship with me. And oh yeah, all the normal

people will find nothing in common or of interest with me and walk away leaving

me alone in the corner with the crazy person. I know it sounds nuts but this has

actually happened to me many times.

>

> So , for me your Alanon woman would set off my triggers around that

pattern for sure. There is value in just being honest with yourself that it

isn't working, not working and step away. She clearly has needs that she

shouldn't put on you but rather bring to therapy. Her insisting on " taking your

inventory " (I think that's an AA word) is something she doesn't have a right to

do.

>

> Eliza

>

>

> >

> > > **

> > >

> > >

> > > Hurricane Sandy was what I would call a meaningful coincidence for me.

> > >

> > > I had a sort of perfect storm of my own this past few days.

> > >

> > > It began a week ago when a rather new friend in my life, found fault with

> > > me. I am sure my friend did not mean me harm. Hurt people do indeed hurt

> > > other people. I know she is not a bad person, but she needs too much from

> > > our very new friendship. Actually, our friendship is an Alanon one, where

> > > she is new to program dealing with the whole enchilada for the first time,

> > > in this context. I supposedly have some recovery from my FOO. I thought

> > > ours was the kind of relationship where I was being asked to share my

> > > strengths. She is not my sponsee; we agreed we would develop a friendship.

> > >

> > > I've met up weekly with this friend for the past 6 to 8 weeks. Just

> > > recently, I'd begun to feel just like I felt with my nada, when nada and I

> > > had our sit-down talks that lasted for hours and had no ACTIVITY to break

> > > up the conversation. Just like therapy, actually. One week I asked if we

> > > might go for a walk to add some side-by-side activity to our talks. I

> > > realized that I was not up for hearing repeats of where she foound fault

> > > with every member of her family... . I found a good stopping point and

> > > listened to my body, and bid a cordial adieu and took myself home for a

nap.

> > >

> > > We missed seeing each other the next week, except for our 12-step meeting

> > > where we met. That felt good, actually, for it was giving me time for

other

> > > activities, like Yoga and meditation.

> > >

> > > Then, last Monday she wanted to meet up suddenly during the middle of a

> > > deadline. I respected my boundaries and shared my concern for her, and

that

> > > this might be a chance for her to follow up with somone else in our shared

> > > program. (and I did not set up a time to visit with her until she

contacted

> > > me again the next day.) When I met up with her last Wednesday, this time

> > > when she wanted to vent again. I thought I might normalize our time

> > > together, if I had her over for lunch, but made the mistake of givng too

> > > much information: that I'd make brownies while she was there...

> > >

> > > As it seemed clear to me this would not work for her, I modified my plans

> > > and made the brownies first.

> > >

> > > I accommodated my friend, by meeting in public as planned, not my home. As

> > > soon as we sat down, she made a huge thing about my wanting to include her

> > > in a normal aspect of my life.... brownies, were going to keep her needs

> > > from being focused on fully. She did not like my changing our plans at the

> > > last minute. She had not thought I was going to be giving her quality time

> > > when I invited her to come to my house... She even thought the mention of

> > > the brownies meant our getting together at all, was secondary. I KNEW in

my

> > > deepest heart this was not true. Of course, I wanted to explain, but she

> > > made it clear her need to share her stuff about her reactions to ME, was

> > > more important.

> > >

> > > Just like therapy, perhaps? As if she were a client, and she were paying

> > > me, and I was not delivering.

> > >

> > > It got worse for me, when this friend started to analyze me and decide

> > > that I was trying to do too much in my life. Something that was so

> > > incorrect I could not agree. I spend lots of time alone, to get used to my

> > > new home, and then venture out in public as I feel ready. This is a small

> > > town, fishbowl.

> > >

> > > Then, in this public setting, she started pointing out to me where she has

> > > found me inadequate and identified the things she needs in a friendship.

> > > Then I felt inadequate, as I perceived my reluctance (and inability) to

> > > meet HER needs, I got defensive, and quiet. I tried to stay quiet and

> > > listen.

> > >

> > > She saw most of what I am and what I do, in a negative light, and

> > > proceeded to share what she did not like about my phone " style " as she

> > > calls it. If I recall correctly, that's when told me I was not listening

to

> > > HER when I shared what her words meant to ME....

> > >

> > > We could have had a really bad argument. I just barely kept myself from

> > > becoming uncivil, because I was still valuing the friendship idea, at that

> > > point. But, I get pretty afraid when I hear mistruths told about me, or

> > > someone analyzing me using words that are so often negative. It was too

> > > much like nada projecting on me as a child and adolescent.

> > >

> > > I was effectively told to shut up and listen (though more kindl).... But I

> > > was afraid if I said nothing, then my silence may be misperceived too. I

> > > felt in a Catch-22.

> > >

> > > It even seemed that my good boundaries and my usually good communication

> > > skills had gotten me in trouble.

> > >

> > > I lost my good view of myself in that conversation.

> > >

> > > That night, I lost sleep. I simply found my mind fretting at what had

> > > happened and finding no solutions. Good sleep is an important aspect of my

> > > health. To lose hours of sleep over a problem I cannot solve, is a quite a

> > > problem. What happens is am vitually useless the next day, and I lose my

> > > usually good cognition. I am much harder on myself than usual, and that

can

> > > spin into relapse.

> > >

> > > Even so, I learned that, certain friends from my old hometown are willing

> > > to help, me get through this kind of trial. I am go grateful for those

good

> > > friends who had told me to call them if I needed to. And one friend, who

> > > happens to be a therapist herself (because of her Famly of Origin issuess)

> > > called me spontaneously, during my worst hour that first day after the

> > > night of poor sleep. I also have a good therapist in my new home town who

> > > sees my strengths and understands WHY I am triggered so easily, and he

> > > coached me through this, without overmuch time investment on either of our

> > > parts, over the weekend.

> > >

> > > I am glad for one of the most important principles of the program I

> > > participate in. " I Need People. " I began by affirming others I know, by

> > > looking for the good, as soon as I got a complete night's sleep.

> > >

> > > However, within two days time, my DH was scheduled to leave for a

> > > conference right held in the zone that was to be affected by Sandy.

> > >

> > > Prior to my talk with my friend (prior to which I really was in a good

> > > place in my day to day life), I was planning to just handle DH's his time

> > > away in my usual sturdy way, but when I got triggered by this one-on-one

> > > conversation, my husband got concerned, and rightfully, so did I.

> > >

> > > I decided to limit my internet communications during the time DH was away,

> > > knowing that staying in my new reality (fishbowl though it is, living in a

> > > smaller town), would help me stay better grounded.

> > >

> > > I went for a walk each day. I was present for my son, during this

> > > triggering time, and did not analyze my problems with him. He chose a

movie

> > > for us Saturday night, for us both to watch. Even though I was having a

> > > hard time focusing, because of my anxiety, I made it a priority to shop

and

> > > learn how to use Red Box, and deal positively with the first choice movie

> > > not being available. I made it home safe from the shopping trip. And sane.

> > > And glad to be home.

> > >

> > > I checked in each day by phone with a good friend one time zone away.

> > >

> > > I even dealt with my challenging face to face friend. She texted me the

> > > day my husband was headed to DC, asking to get together. WTF? I would have

> > > said no anyways, because I needed a less intense friendship. DH's out of

> > > town trip made it even more imperative to nurture myself, and stay home.

So

> > > it was easy to say no. I called her later in the day to help her with her

> > > feelings and communicate honestly and simply, and it was still slightly

too

> > > much for me.

> > >

> > > She called me again, two days later, when DH was away. At the time of her

> > > call, I had just discovered DH was more impacted by the storm than I'd

> > > expected, his return flight had been canceled! This was the final piece of

> > > this being a perfect storm for me, in that my husband had also been

> > > travelling and got stuck in Phili airport during 9/11. I did not share

> > > these personal details ith my friend.

> > >

> > > I simply told her I was playing my week by ear, and could not make time to

> > > get together. I also told hermight not even be attending our shared

12-step

> > > meeting, depending on my husband's travel plans.

> > >

> > > Then I went back to get honest with myself about my emotions about my

> > > family concerns. I choose not to lean on this friend for that, ashe had

> > > proven herself an unreliable mirror for ME.

> > >

> > > When I realized I was being triggered again by the uncertainty of this

> > > storm, it really helped me to understand that others had their own

> > > triggering (and their pet's) responses to the anticipation of the storm.

It

> > > helped me too check in with an aunt whose dog had survived Katrina. My

aunt

> > > had her basement flooded in Hurricane Irene, and I listened as she shared

> > > her emotional state and how she was preparing and looking for the good.

> > >

> > > The full moon too, intensified the storm effects, is also something I find

> > > my own biophysiology responds to. The full moon frequently affected my

> > > sleep when I was in peri-menopause. And likely still does, but I take

> > > low-dose medications that help me stay asleep.

> > >

> > > Yet, despite the perfect storm, I am very grateful to be able to share a

> > > small success.

> > >

> > > Son is well and woke me up early to get him off to school. MY DH arrived

> > > home in time for us to have dinner out. Yes, we were all frazzled

> > > emotionally. I know it was hard on my family to see my vulnerability

> > > surface, and my DH shows his tension by noticing little things taht are

not

> > > right. The car was parked too close to the garage walll. I lost it, when

he

> > > barked at me when he came home and when I told me I had used the wrong

> > > checkbook to pay for a CSA for nxt year.

> > >

> > > Alll after this big long weekend... when I had lived pretty successfully

> > > one day at a time. For once, I had handled being triggered, by not being a

> > > burden to any one particular person. I learned how to weather an internal

> > > storm, by not trying to be too strong. I just kept communicating with

> > > friends I trust. People who know about my vulnerability and who are also

> > > completely honest about where their family of origin issues trigger them.

> > >

> > > Guess I expected my husband to be proud of the big thing, and not sweat

> > > the small stufff.

> > >

> > > Oh well, we too willl be talking over the next few days. And we already

> > > laughed this morning on the phone.

> > >

> > > I dare say, I have more than just a few people whom I can trust with my

> > > deepest secrets. I am becoming the good parent to myself, that I will

never

> > > have.

> > >

> > > Alas, I have to accept that there may not be such a thing as " being fully

> > > healed " or being totally emotionally well....

> > >

> > > There is only the journey and there are disconcerting bumps and jolts that

> > > remind each of us, of our pasts. Never goes away. Faulkner said something

> > > about that.

> > >

> > > The past is never dead? Or in 12 steps the saying is, " We do not regret

> > > the past or wish to shut the door on it. "

> > >

> > > I have not accepted all that my mom could not do for me. Why can't I?

> > > Because I have a child to raise, and as he grows older, I encounter new

> > > icebergs under the surface that show me what I do not have to give my son,

> > > because I did not receive it from my mother.

> > >

> > > No resentments in that. I cannot accept until I am AWARE of what I missed.

> > > And that is an ongoing discovery...

> > >

> > > On good days, there are things to chuckle about. On the roughest days, I

> > > must reach out to others to get what I NEED so that I can give that to my

> > > son.

> > >

> > > I did that this weekend, and am just a wee bit proud of myself.

> > >

> > > Thanks for letting me share, what I was chugging away at over this past

> > > week.

> > >

> > > I don't often have such drama in my life, and for that I am grateful.

> > > Grateful to add my story as an example of being a work in progress. Whew.

> > > Glad to be whole and relatively sure of what I feel right now.

> > >

> > > If you have read this far, I thank you.

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > > PS, Glad to see a word from Doug today~

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

,

Congratulations on your personal growth and ever growing resilience! I know it

can be frustrating when people in our lives are hyper critical and don't stop to

let you know they are proud of where you are and the path you are on. It's like

bringing home a report card with 5 As and 1 B, your parents ask why the B isn't

an A.

As far as your new friend goes, I would suggest you steer clear. She is not a

friend. You and her have known each other for only a few months. During this

time you are getting to know her to see where she would fit into your life:

associate, acquaintance, friend, AL-Anon group members.

I am sure you want to be as supportive to her as you were supported when you

first joined the group, but frankly she is hostile to your well being. You have

a right to self care and to selfishly guard your well-being. For an adult woman

to expect another adult who she is just getting to know to give her undivided

attention at all costs is purely selfish and self-serving. If she is doing this

as the friendship is evolving imagine what she will be like after she thinks the

two of you have been friends for a long period of time.

I just think you deserve a better friend than she is capable or willing to be.

I wish you continued peace and blessings as you travel your personal journey to

healing.

MyReality

>

> Hurricane Sandy was what I would call a meaningful coincidence for me.

>

> I had a sort of perfect storm of my own this past few days.

>

> It began a week ago when a rather new friend in my life, found fault with me.

I am sure my friend did not mean me harm. Hurt people do indeed hurt other

people. I know she is not a bad person, but she needs too much from our very new

friendship. Actually, our friendship is an Alanon one, where she is new to

program dealing with the whole enchilada for the first time, in this context. I

supposedly have some recovery from my FOO. I thought ours was the kind of

relationship where I was being asked to share my strengths. She is not my

sponsee; we agreed we would develop a friendship.

>

> I've met up weekly with this friend for the past 6 to 8 weeks. Just recently,

I'd begun to feel just like I felt with my nada, when nada and I had our

sit-down talks that lasted for hours and had no ACTIVITY to break up the

conversation. Just like therapy, actually. One week I asked if we might go for

a walk to add some side-by-side activity to our talks. I realized that I was

not up for hearing repeats of where she foound fault with every member of her

family... . I found a good stopping point and listened to my body, and bid a

cordial adieu and took myself home for a nap.

>

> We missed seeing each other the next week, except for our 12-step meeting

where we met. That felt good, actually, for it was giving me time for other

activities, like Yoga and meditation.

>

> Then, last Monday she wanted to meet up suddenly during the middle of a

deadline. I respected my boundaries and shared my concern for her, and that this

might be a chance for her to follow up with somone else in our shared program.

(and I did not set up a time to visit with her until she contacted me again the

next day.) When I met up with her last Wednesday, this time when she wanted to

vent again. I thought I might normalize our time together, if I had her over

for lunch, but made the mistake of givng too much information: that I'd make

brownies while she was there...

>

> As it seemed clear to me this would not work for her, I modified my plans and

made the brownies first.

>

> I accommodated my friend, by meeting in public as planned, not my home. As

soon as we sat down, she made a huge thing about my wanting to include her in a

normal aspect of my life.... brownies, were going to keep her needs from being

focused on fully. She did not like my changing our plans at the last minute.

She had not thought I was going to be giving her quality time when I invited her

to come to my house... She even thought the mention of the brownies meant our

getting together at all, was secondary. I KNEW in my deepest heart this was not

true. Of course, I wanted to explain, but she made it clear her need to share

her stuff about her reactions to ME, was more important.

>

> Just like therapy, perhaps? As if she were a client, and she were paying me,

and I was not delivering.

>

> It got worse for me, when this friend started to analyze me and decide that I

was trying to do too much in my life. Something that was so incorrect I could

not agree. I spend lots of time alone, to get used to my new home, and then

venture out in public as I feel ready. This is a small town, fishbowl.

>

> Then, in this public setting, she started pointing out to me where she has

found me inadequate and identified the things she needs in a friendship. Then I

felt inadequate, as I perceived my reluctance (and inability) to meet HER needs,

I got defensive, and quiet. I tried to stay quiet and listen.

>

> She saw most of what I am and what I do, in a negative light, and proceeded

to share what she did not like about my phone " style " as she calls it. If I

recall correctly, that's when told me I was not listening to HER when I shared

what her words meant to ME....

>

> We could have had a really bad argument. I just barely kept myself from

becoming uncivil, because I was still valuing the friendship idea, at that

point. But, I get pretty afraid when I hear mistruths told about me, or

someone analyzing me using words that are so often negative. It was too much

like nada projecting on me as a child and adolescent.

>

>

> I was effectively told to shut up and listen (though more kindl).... But I was

afraid if I said nothing, then my silence may be misperceived too. I felt in a

Catch-22.

>

> It even seemed that my good boundaries and my usually good communication

skills had gotten me in trouble.

>

> I lost my good view of myself in that conversation.

>

> That night, I lost sleep. I simply found my mind fretting at what had

happened and finding no solutions. Good sleep is an important aspect of my

health. To lose hours of sleep over a problem I cannot solve, is a quite a

problem. What happens is am vitually useless the next day, and I lose my

usually good cognition. I am much harder on myself than usual, and that can spin

into relapse.

>

> Even so, I learned that, certain friends from my old hometown are willing to

help, me get through this kind of trial. I am go grateful for those good friends

who had told me to call them if I needed to. And one friend, who happens to be a

therapist herself (because of her Famly of Origin issuess) called me

spontaneously, during my worst hour that first day after the night of poor

sleep. I also have a good therapist in my new home town who sees my strengths

and understands WHY I am triggered so easily, and he coached me through this,

without overmuch time investment on either of our parts, over the weekend.

>

> I am glad for one of the most important principles of the program I

participate in. " I Need People. " I began by affirming others I know, by

looking for the good, as soon as I got a complete night's sleep.

>

> However, within two days time, my DH was scheduled to leave for a conference

right held in the zone that was to be affected by Sandy.

>

> Prior to my talk with my friend (prior to which I really was in a good place

in my day to day life), I was planning to just handle DH's his time away in my

usual sturdy way, but when I got triggered by this one-on-one conversation, my

husband got concerned, and rightfully, so did I.

>

> I decided to limit my internet communications during the time DH was away,

knowing that staying in my new reality (fishbowl though it is, living in a

smaller town), would help me stay better grounded.

>

> I went for a walk each day. I was present for my son, during this triggering

time, and did not analyze my problems with him. He chose a movie for us

Saturday night, for us both to watch. Even though I was having a hard time

focusing, because of my anxiety, I made it a priority to shop and learn how to

use Red Box, and deal positively with the first choice movie not being

available. I made it home safe from the shopping trip. And sane. And glad to be

home.

>

> I checked in each day by phone with a good friend one time zone away.

>

> I even dealt with my challenging face to face friend. She texted me the day my

husband was headed to DC, asking to get together. WTF? I would have said no

anyways, because I needed a less intense friendship. DH's out of town trip made

it even more imperative to nurture myself, and stay home. So it was easy to say

no. I called her later in the day to help her with her feelings and communicate

honestly and simply, and it was still slightly too much for me.

>

>

> She called me again, two days later, when DH was away. At the time of her

call, I had just discovered DH was more impacted by the storm than I'd

expected, his return flight had been canceled! This was the final piece of

this being a perfect storm for me, in that my husband had also been travelling

and got stuck in Phili airport during 9/11. I did not share these personal

details ith my friend.

>

> I simply told her I was playing my week by ear, and could not make time to get

together. I also told hermight not even be attending our shared 12-step

meeting, depending on my husband's travel plans.

>

> Then I went back to get honest with myself about my emotions about my family

concerns. I choose not to lean on this friend for that, ashe had proven herself

an unreliable mirror for ME.

>

> When I realized I was being triggered again by the uncertainty of this storm,

it really helped me to understand that others had their own triggering (and

their pet's) responses to the anticipation of the storm. It helped me too check

in with an aunt whose dog had survived Katrina. My aunt had her basement

flooded in Hurricane Irene, and I listened as she shared her emotional state

and how she was preparing and looking for the good.

>

> The full moon too, intensified the storm effects, is also something I find my

own biophysiology responds to. The full moon frequently affected my sleep when

I was in peri-menopause. And likely still does, but I take low-dose medications

that help me stay asleep.

>

> Yet, despite the perfect storm, I am very grateful to be able to share a small

success.

>

> Son is well and woke me up early to get him off to school. MY DH arrived home

in time for us to have dinner out. Yes, we were all frazzled emotionally. I

know it was hard on my family to see my vulnerability surface, and my DH shows

his tension by noticing little things taht are not right. The car was parked too

close to the garage walll. I lost it, when he barked at me when he came home

and when I told me I had used the wrong checkbook to pay for a CSA for nxt year.

>

> Alll after this big long weekend... when I had lived pretty successfully one

day at a time. For once, I had handled being triggered, by not being a burden

to any one particular person. I learned how to weather an internal storm, by not

trying to be too strong. I just kept communicating with friends I trust. People

who know about my vulnerability and who are also completely honest about where

their family of origin issues trigger them.

>

> Guess I expected my husband to be proud of the big thing, and not sweat the

small stufff.

>

> Oh well, we too willl be talking over the next few days. And we already

laughed this morning on the phone.

>

>

> I dare say, I have more than just a few people whom I can trust with my

deepest secrets. I am becoming the good parent to myself, that I will never

have.

>

> Alas, I have to accept that there may not be such a thing as " being fully

healed " or being totally emotionally well....

>

> There is only the journey and there are disconcerting bumps and jolts that

remind each of us, of our pasts. Never goes away. Faulkner said something about

that.

>

> The past is never dead? Or in 12 steps the saying is, " We do not regret the

past or wish to shut the door on it. "

>

> I have not accepted all that my mom could not do for me. Why can't I? Because

I have a child to raise, and as he grows older, I encounter new icebergs under

the surface that show me what I do not have to give my son, because I did not

receive it from my mother.

>

> No resentments in that. I cannot accept until I am AWARE of what I missed. And

that is an ongoing discovery...

>

> On good days, there are things to chuckle about. On the roughest days, I must

reach out to others to get what I NEED so that I can give that to my son.

>

> I did that this weekend, and am just a wee bit proud of myself.

>

> Thanks for letting me share, what I was chugging away at over this past week.

>

> I don't often have such drama in my life, and for that I am grateful. Grateful

to add my story as an example of being a work in progress. Whew. Glad to be

whole and relatively sure of what I feel right now.

>

> If you have read this far, I thank you.

>

>

>

> PS, Glad to see a word from Doug today~

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

My Reality has pretty much covered my take on your post. This Al-Anon

individual seems to be very needy, demanding, controlling, negative and

critical. I agree that her negative reaction to your suggestion (that you meet

and talk at your house while you made brownies) was odd. It demonstrated that

she feels the need to control her access to you and you don't get to have input.

That's pretty narcissistic pd behavior, seems to me.

Recognizing that this person makes you feel the same way you feel when you're

around your nada (kind of trapped) is I believe an important insight for you.

Your ability to recognize when someone is mistreating you or being

overly-controlling/domineering toward you is being re-awakened.

I think that those of us who had or have demanding, domineering, physically

violent and/or emotionally cruel parents tend to " shut off " our instinct for

self-preservation. We've been trained or conditioned to ignore the alarm bells

going off and the red flags waving, because when we are helpless children we

have no option but to remain in the " care " of someone who abuses us. This

shut-down of our self-protective instincts due to parental abuse tends to make

us more vulnerable to abuse by others as well.

I've read that the 4 reactions that living creatures have to danger are: fight,

flight, freeze, or fawn. " Fight " or " Flight " are the reactions of a healthy

adult creature, but " Freeze " and " Fawn " are the reactions of those who are

either too young, too old, or too weak/sick/injured or too low in pack-status to

either fight or run away. Tiny baby animals instinctively freeze in place to

blend in with the background and hide from the danger, or they will fawn:

display submissive, placating, juvenile behaviors in an attempt to elicit a

protective or parental response from the dangerous thing threatening them. (My

little Sister tried to run away from home twice, even when she was really

little. I was a " freeze in place " type; I was too afraid to run, and instead

dissociated from my emotions as my survival mechanism.)

So, the fact that you are recognizing and acting on your instincts, and

respecting your own needs and feelings, is really great! Being conscious and

aware that certain behaviors by another are domineering will allow you to choose

whether you want to be supportive to the individual, but on your own terms,

without letting him or her run roughshod over your boundaries, control the

relationship and call all the shots. That's a wonderful insight. Go, !

-Annie

>

> ,

>

> Congratulations on your personal growth and ever growing resilience! I know

it can be frustrating when people in our lives are hyper critical and don't stop

to let you know they are proud of where you are and the path you are on. It's

like bringing home a report card with 5 As and 1 B, your parents ask why the B

isn't an A.

>

> As far as your new friend goes, I would suggest you steer clear. She is not a

friend. You and her have known each other for only a few months. During this

time you are getting to know her to see where she would fit into your life:

associate, acquaintance, friend, AL-Anon group members.

>

> I am sure you want to be as supportive to her as you were supported when you

first joined the group, but frankly she is hostile to your well being. You have

a right to self care and to selfishly guard your well-being. For an adult woman

to expect another adult who she is just getting to know to give her undivided

attention at all costs is purely selfish and self-serving. If she is doing this

as the friendship is evolving imagine what she will be like after she thinks the

two of you have been friends for a long period of time.

>

> I just think you deserve a better friend than she is capable or willing to be.

>

> I wish you continued peace and blessings as you travel your personal journey

to healing.

>

> MyReality