Advice- Write Nada a letter?

[Guest guest]

I am NC with Nada for 1.5 years and have been doing pretty well, with some minor

setbacks of late.

Today I had a major crying episode and purged a ton of my anger towards Nada's

demented way of dealing with me. With the help of my super-supportive, very

insightful partner I told imaginary Nada exactly how I felt about how she

treated me and the lasting after-effects of her abuse, how angry I am at her for

bringing children into this world when she had no intention of actually

mothering them, etc.

My partner encouraged me to write these insights into a letter to Nada to send

to her before she dies (she has metastatic lung cancer which may ormay not kill

her- 30 years ago she had stage 4 ovarian cancer and survived with no recurrence

for 30 years. Nada's seem to have an amazing ability to fight through diseases

that kill gentler souls)

I know though that writing to her will only encourage her to break NC and attack

me back (the last time she did I threatened legal action against her, so it

seems if I write to her I'm probably weakening my harassment case against her

since I'm the one who started and is enforcing NC)

Any thoughts or advice from the group on sending Nada some insight into how I

feel about her before she passes? I'm also giving thought to writing it all out

and then burning it, I think the purge is the most useful part of the exercise,

but he thinks me sharing with Nada the pain she has caused me over a lifetime

would be useful. I highly value his opinion not just because of how much he

cares about me, but also because of his general insightfulness.Then again, he

does not have any experience with a Nada.

For those with Nadas, what do you think?

[Guest guest]

Personally, I'd go the burning route rather than sending it to

her. If the idea is to get her to understand what she did, I

don't think a letter is going to make that happen. People with

BPD just aren't capable of admitting to themselves that their

behavior isn't right. She's not going to share your pain from

reading about it. There's too much disconnect between how she

sees her own actions and the reality of those actions. Even if

she admits that you were in pain due to her actions, she's going

to feel she was somehow justified in causing it and thus not to

blame. If you bare your feelings to her, she's likely to use

them against you, not gain any insight into how wrong her

treatment of you was. Since your partner lacks experience with

BPD, he probably doesn't understand how abnormal her thinking is

and how unhealthy her emotions are. Reading about or hearing

about BPD usually isn't enough to really comprehend what it does

to a person.

At 08:21 PM 12/02/2012 mdg2101 wrote:

>I am NC with Nada for 1.5 years and have been doing pretty

>well, with some minor setbacks of late.

>

>Today I had a major crying episode and purged a ton of my anger

>towards Nada's demented way of dealing with me. With the help

>of my super-supportive, very insightful partner I told

>imaginary Nada exactly how I felt about how she treated me and

>the lasting after-effects of her abuse, how angry I am at her

>for bringing children into this world when she had no intention

>of actually mothering them, etc.

>

>My partner encouraged me to write these insights into a letter

>to Nada to send to her before she dies (she has metastatic lung

>cancer which may ormay not kill her- 30 years ago she had stage

>4 ovarian cancer and survived with no recurrence for 30 years.

>Nada's seem to have an amazing ability to fight through

>diseases that kill gentler souls)

>

>I know though that writing to her will only encourage her to

>break NC and attack me back (the last time she did I threatened

>legal action against her, so it seems if I write to her I'm

>probably weakening my harassment case against her since I'm the

>one who started and is enforcing NC)

>

>Any thoughts or advice from the group on sending Nada some

>insight into how I feel about her before she passes? I'm also

>giving thought to writing it all out and then burning it, I

>think the purge is the most useful part of the exercise, but he

>thinks me sharing with Nada the pain she has caused me over a

>lifetime would be useful. I highly value his opinion not just

>because of how much he cares about me, but also because of his

>general insightfulness.Then again, he does not have any

>experience with a Nada.

>

>For those with Nadas, what do you think?

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

From my experience, Don't bother. She won't understand where you

are coming from and will probably twist it to suit herself. I

wrote to my stepfather about 10 years ago and lets just say the

reply back was just abuse. Write it to heal, but DON't SEND it!

Steph

[Guest guest]

I second Katrina's advice. Write the letter but burn it.

Sending the letter will most likely prompt her to contact you and it won't

be to thank you for sharing your feelings and to make amends. This is not

possible for someone who is untreated with BPD.

We all would love to have our Nadas admit what they did and make amends but

it isn't likely. What is more likely is she will turn it all around and

blame you.

I understand that you feel this may be your last chance in many ways since

your Nada is ill with cancer and you fear she will die and things will be

left unsaid but be very careful about initiating contact again you may just

open up Pandora's box. I have done it and It wasn't a " happy ending " .

Tracey

[Guest guest]

I must concur. Sending the letter may do more harm than good.

If you feel the need for someone else to read it and respond, you might wish to

post it here. You will find the affirmation of your feeling and experiences

because other KO's understand in a manner others are not capable of reaching. We

can try to help you reach the closure you need and your nada can not provide.

Otherwise, burn it, tie it to a pink balloon and let it drift away, put in in a

pretty box and burry it, or make it into a paper airplane and sail it off the

tallest mountain you can find.

Do what is right for you and know we support you fully!

Beth

Re: Advice- Write Nada a letter?

I second Katrina's advice. Write the letter but burn it.

Sending the letter will most likely prompt her to contact you and it won't

be to thank you for sharing your feelings and to make amends. This is not

possible for someone who is untreated with BPD.

We all would love to have our Nadas admit what they did and make amends but

it isn't likely. What is more likely is she will turn it all around and

blame you.

I understand that you feel this may be your last chance in many ways since

your Nada is ill with cancer and you fear she will die and things will be

left unsaid but be very careful about initiating contact again you may just

open up Pandora's box. I have done it and It wasn't a " happy ending " .

Tracey

[Guest guest]

I agree that writing down all these feelings on paper is a great way to organize

your thoughts and feelings, vent them and purge them from your heart, and I also

agree that its better to either destroy the letter or to never send it.

In my opinion if you do send it, it will not have a positive result. It won't

cause your nada to achieve a sudden, miraculous epiphany of personal insight,

she won't feel shame or true remorse for all the awful things she has done and

said to you.

Instead, each description of something she'd done will (in all likelihood) be

justified and plausibly explained away, twisted out of all recognition or denied

entirely, so your letter will be weaponized to show you in the worst possible

light and used to attempt to turn others against you.

So, write it all down, in as much detail as you like, but don't send it.

Sending it won't make anything better. It won't change nada for the better, and

will likely wind up backfiring on you. That's my two cents' worth, anyway.

-Annie

> >I am NC with Nada for 1.5 years and have been doing pretty

> >well, with some minor setbacks of late.

> >

> >Today I had a major crying episode and purged a ton of my anger

> >towards Nada's demented way of dealing with me. With the help

> >of my super-supportive, very insightful partner I told

> >imaginary Nada exactly how I felt about how she treated me and

> >the lasting after-effects of her abuse, how angry I am at her

> >for bringing children into this world when she had no intention

> >of actually mothering them, etc.

> >

> >My partner encouraged me to write these insights into a letter

> >to Nada to send to her before she dies (she has metastatic lung

> >cancer which may ormay not kill her- 30 years ago she had stage

> >4 ovarian cancer and survived with no recurrence for 30 years.

> >Nada's seem to have an amazing ability to fight through

> >diseases that kill gentler souls)

> >

> >I know though that writing to her will only encourage her to

> >break NC and attack me back (the last time she did I threatened

> >legal action against her, so it seems if I write to her I'm

> >probably weakening my harassment case against her since I'm the

> >one who started and is enforcing NC)

> >

> >Any thoughts or advice from the group on sending Nada some

> >insight into how I feel about her before she passes? I'm also

> >giving thought to writing it all out and then burning it, I

> >think the purge is the most useful part of the exercise, but he

> >thinks me sharing with Nada the pain she has caused me over a

> >lifetime would be useful. I highly value his opinion not just

> >because of how much he cares about me, but also because of his

> >general insightfulness.Then again, he does not have any

> >experience with a Nada.

> >

> >For those with Nadas, what do you think?

>

> --

> Katrina

>

[Guest guest]

I've written letters to nada too but I never sent them. When I try talking to

her, I don't feel the freedom to say what's on my mind. In a letter I can let it

all hang out. That's one good part of the process. The other part is I can sleep

at night. I don't know about you but when I'm upset about some nasty thing nada

has done, I tend to lay in bed and have these long conversations with her. I

tell her what I think, imagine her response and then my response to that. It

goes on and on and I keep thinking of more things I want to say. The only way to

get it out of my mind is to write. Then I know I won't forget what's important

to me. It doesn't matter whether I remember or not since I would never say these

things to her face but it feels so good to get it out there.

I don't mail the letters but I do keep them so I can reread them if I need to.

It gives me a clearer perspective about what's been happening, that I'm not

imagining all this.

For years when my kids were growing up I did this same thing: I would write a

" Mom " letter to them full of great advice LOL and lots of love. Most of the time

I just kept it tucked away and only rarely did I give it to them after thinking

about it for 24 hours. Come to find out, they actually liked my " Mom " letters

and have kept them. I was always afraid to confront them directly because I

don't like fights. But this was a way to reach out to them without them feeling

threatened. They could choose when to read them or even choose not to read them.

But it looks like they always did. I have a stash of other letters they'll enjoy

reading some day, remember the good old days of adolescence.

So letters can be good but in nada's case, you can be sure she'll blow up at you

and not read/hear a word you say. So don't do it for her; do it for yourself.

>

> I am NC with Nada for 1.5 years and have been doing pretty well, with some

minor setbacks of late.

>

> Today I had a major crying episode and purged a ton of my anger towards Nada's

demented way of dealing with me. With the help of my super-supportive, very

insightful partner I told imaginary Nada exactly how I felt about how she

treated me and the lasting after-effects of her abuse, how angry I am at her for

bringing children into this world when she had no intention of actually

mothering them, etc.

>

> My partner encouraged me to write these insights into a letter to Nada to send

to her before she dies (she has metastatic lung cancer which may ormay not kill

her- 30 years ago she had stage 4 ovarian cancer and survived with no recurrence

for 30 years. Nada's seem to have an amazing ability to fight through diseases

that kill gentler souls)

>

> I know though that writing to her will only encourage her to break NC and

attack me back (the last time she did I threatened legal action against her, so

it seems if I write to her I'm probably weakening my harassment case against her

since I'm the one who started and is enforcing NC)

>

> Any thoughts or advice from the group on sending Nada some insight into how I

feel about her before she passes? I'm also giving thought to writing it all out

and then burning it, I think the purge is the most useful part of the exercise,

but he thinks me sharing with Nada the pain she has caused me over a lifetime

would be useful. I highly value his opinion not just because of how much he

cares about me, but also because of his general insightfulness.Then again, he

does not have any experience with a Nada.

>

> For those with Nadas, what do you think?

>

[Guest guest]

Exactly...

[Guest guest]

In therapy they might have you write a letter, read it, rage at an empty

chair, then burn it. Or write it and read it to an imaginary person.

This is useful where you cannot confront a person.

The tempting urge to send that letter to Nada, so she will " get " it,

is based in our magical thinking. That thinking says

If only.

If only I can find the right thing to do or say, she ll be normal, she

acknowledge my pain, she ll become a real mother. If only.

Sadly, that is not the case. Her disorder has nothing to do with you.

You didn t cause it, nor can you change it. Expressing your hurt is

good for you, but as you predicted, correctly, she will respond exactly

as she always has. She will become the victim, and only open you to

more abuse.

Express your pain in a safe , supporting place. To your partner, your

therapist, to any safe friend. But never to an active, unhealed BPD.

She will never accknowledge and do the things you yearn for.

Doug

[Guest guest]

This is so true....very well said!

>

>

> In therapy they might have you write a letter, read it, rage at an empty

> chair, then burn it. Or write it and read it to an imaginary person.

> This is useful where you cannot confront a person.

>

> The tempting urge to send that letter to Nada, so she will " get " it,

> is based in our magical thinking. That thinking says

> If only.

>

> If only I can find the right thing to do or say, she ll be normal, she

> acknowledge my pain, she ll become a real mother. If only.

>

> Sadly, that is not the case. Her disorder has nothing to do with you.

> You didn t cause it, nor can you change it. Expressing your hurt is

> good for you, but as you predicted, correctly, she will respond exactly

> as she always has. She will become the victim, and only open you to

> more abuse.

>

> Express your pain in a safe , supporting place. To your partner, your

> therapist, to any safe friend. But never to an active, unhealed BPD.

> She will never accknowledge and do the things you yearn for.

>

> Doug

>