Flying Monkey attack incoming! All hands to battlestations! Evasive maneuvers!

[Guest guest]

Hi folks --

As you know, I instituted NC with Nada in April of this year and will be

parting ways with her completely in a couple of weeks when I move out and

to a different state. My full brother knows about Nada and understands how

she is (although I suspect he'll still be pissed when I leave because then

she'll get back on his case like she was before I came out here to " rescue "

him, more fool me), but I have an older half-brother and half-sister from

my father's first marriage (note: NOT related to Nada!) and it seems like

Nada has recruited this older half-brother and his wife as flying monkeys,

as they have been inviting me to " family get togethers " every month or so

since the NC, which I have always declined in a polite and friendly way,

either saying that I was already booked (generally true -- they tend to

send these invites the week before the date and I generally plan my

weekends several weeks in advance) or I beg off on the grounds that

relations are sufficiently poor with Nada that I feel that a gathering

would be too awkward for all concerned (completely true.)

I have invited this older half-brother and his wife to meet with me, by

myself, for coffee and pastries any time they happen to be in the area

(they live about an hour and a half away by car.) They've never taken me

up on it nor given me any reason why they weren't doing so, so I've always

suspected that they've been recruited by Nada as flying monkeys and she's

badgering them to keep trying to drag me to these gatherings so that some

sort of " intervention " can be staged on behalf of Nada, with a lot of

browbeating of me and " She's so sorry, why can't you forgive her, she's

old, she's going to die soon, you'll feel really bad if that happens while

you're still holding a grudge, " and blah blah blah blah et cetera ad

nauseum. I'm sure you all know the drill.

I don't really hold it against them because they just flat-out don't know

Nada and don't understand how they're being manipulated, and I have

resisted the impulse to write them a long letter saying " LOOK, the nasty

old hag is just jerking you around for her own ends and filling your heads

full of lies, and you shouldn't believe a word of it, " because since they

haven't dealt with me very much (even though I'm the blood relation, not

Nada) they have no real reason to believe my version of things over hers.

So I've just done my damnedest to keep them completely out of it.

Tonight I got this email from my half-brother's wife:

----

,

We are inviting everyone here for December 26th, Boxing Day, for a meal and

for games. I don't have a specific time of the day yet.

Before you say no, please, please come. We have no agenda, we just want to

be with everyone including you.

---------

Now, I told them just before Thanksgiving that I didn't want to attend a

family gathering with Nada because of bad relations, and they surely know

that things haven't changed. Furthermore, I have NEVER suggested to them

that I think they have an agenda, because while I kind of suspected they

did, I had no proof and I wanted to give them the benefit of the doubt.

So, what I have here is a sister-in-law (half sister-in-law?) begging me to

attend a family gathering with Nada when I have already said I don't want

to, and have said why, and she is protesting that they have " no agenda. "

Horsecrap, lady. You have an agenda. If you want to be with ME, because you

want to get to know ME, by myself, why haven't you taken me up on any of my

coffee-and-pastry invites? You definitely have an agenda, and it's Nada's

agenda.

Now, know what the really whacked thing is here?

I WILL BE IN ANOTHER STATE BY DECEMBER 26TH, God willing! I haven't told

anyone in the family about this yet because I want to avoid any kind of

flying monkey attacks on behalf of poor old lonely sad Nada -- like THIS

one!! But I won't even be within 500 miles on Boxing Day.

On the one hand, this is kind of good, because it means Nada hasn't figured

out my plans and hasn't taken any steps to interfere. That's a good thing.

On the other hand, I'm not sure exactly how to proceed. I see two options:

1) Ignore it completely. They'll understand why, when they get my email in

a week or so announcing the move. The only problem is that if I ignore the

email, Nada may find this an excuse for some kind of attack, as she's tried

to use the " You have to do what I want because if you don't, half-brother

and his family will be very, very sad!!! " before this. (No, it has never

worked.) If I send a decline, Nada won't have easy ammo.

2) Send back another polite and friendly decline, saying I have already

made plans to be out-of-state on that day, but thanks anyway for the

invite. This is kind of true but it's a half-truth, as it skirts around the

issue of the upcoming move by making it sound like I'm just taking a

holiday trip, not a permanent flight. That makes me feel a bit

uncomfortable as I don't want to lie to these people -- they're not

actually responsible in any way for this situation, they're being jerked

around by Nada.

But there's no way I'm dropping the dime on the move earlier than planned,

because this little letter has me convinced that my fears of flying monkey

attacks are well-founded, so no one is getting a tip off until the very

last minute. UGH!

I think I'm going to be in the market for a nice big can of Flying Monkey

repellent even sooner than I thought I was.

-- Jen H.

[Guest guest]

" No Thanks! I'm busy that day. Hope you have a great time! I look forward

to seeing both of you when our schedules allow . . . "

On Sun, Dec 2, 2012 at 9:09 PM, Hawthorne jenh789@...>wrote:

> **

>

>

> Hi folks --

>

> As you know, I instituted NC with Nada in April of this year and will be

> parting ways with her completely in a couple of weeks when I move out and

> to a different state. My full brother knows about Nada and understands how

> she is (although I suspect he'll still be pissed when I leave because then

> she'll get back on his case like she was before I came out here to " rescue "

> him, more fool me), but I have an older half-brother and half-sister from

> my father's first marriage (note: NOT related to Nada!) and it seems like

> Nada has recruited this older half-brother and his wife as flying monkeys,

> as they have been inviting me to " family get togethers " every month or so

> since the NC, which I have always declined in a polite and friendly way,

> either saying that I was already booked (generally true -- they tend to

> send these invites the week before the date and I generally plan my

> weekends several weeks in advance) or I beg off on the grounds that

> relations are sufficiently poor with Nada that I feel that a gathering

> would be too awkward for all concerned (completely true.)

>

> I have invited this older half-brother and his wife to meet with me, by

> myself, for coffee and pastries any time they happen to be in the area

> (they live about an hour and a half away by car.) They've never taken me

> up on it nor given me any reason why they weren't doing so, so I've always

> suspected that they've been recruited by Nada as flying monkeys and she's

> badgering them to keep trying to drag me to these gatherings so that some

> sort of " intervention " can be staged on behalf of Nada, with a lot of

> browbeating of me and " She's so sorry, why can't you forgive her, she's

> old, she's going to die soon, you'll feel really bad if that happens while

> you're still holding a grudge, " and blah blah blah blah et cetera ad

> nauseum. I'm sure you all know the drill.

>

> I don't really hold it against them because they just flat-out don't know

> Nada and don't understand how they're being manipulated, and I have

> resisted the impulse to write them a long letter saying " LOOK, the nasty

> old hag is just jerking you around for her own ends and filling your heads

> full of lies, and you shouldn't believe a word of it, " because since they

> haven't dealt with me very much (even though I'm the blood relation, not

> Nada) they have no real reason to believe my version of things over hers.

> So I've just done my damnedest to keep them completely out of it.

>

> Tonight I got this email from my half-brother's wife:

>

> ----

>

> ,

>

> We are inviting everyone here for December 26th, Boxing Day, for a meal and

> for games. I don't have a specific time of the day yet.

>

> Before you say no, please, please come. We have no agenda, we just want to

> be with everyone including you.

>

> ---------

>

> Now, I told them just before Thanksgiving that I didn't want to attend a

> family gathering with Nada because of bad relations, and they surely know

> that things haven't changed. Furthermore, I have NEVER suggested to them

> that I think they have an agenda, because while I kind of suspected they

> did, I had no proof and I wanted to give them the benefit of the doubt.

>

> So, what I have here is a sister-in-law (half sister-in-law?) begging me to

> attend a family gathering with Nada when I have already said I don't want

> to, and have said why, and she is protesting that they have " no agenda. "

>

> Horsecrap, lady. You have an agenda. If you want to be with ME, because you

> want to get to know ME, by myself, why haven't you taken me up on any of my

> coffee-and-pastry invites? You definitely have an agenda, and it's Nada's

> agenda.

>

> Now, know what the really whacked thing is here?

>

> I WILL BE IN ANOTHER STATE BY DECEMBER 26TH, God willing! I haven't told

> anyone in the family about this yet because I want to avoid any kind of

> flying monkey attacks on behalf of poor old lonely sad Nada -- like THIS

> one!! But I won't even be within 500 miles on Boxing Day.

>

> On the one hand, this is kind of good, because it means Nada hasn't figured

> out my plans and hasn't taken any steps to interfere. That's a good thing.

>

> On the other hand, I'm not sure exactly how to proceed. I see two options:

>

> 1) Ignore it completely. They'll understand why, when they get my email in

> a week or so announcing the move. The only problem is that if I ignore the

> email, Nada may find this an excuse for some kind of attack, as she's tried

> to use the " You have to do what I want because if you don't, half-brother

> and his family will be very, very sad!!! " before this. (No, it has never

> worked.) If I send a decline, Nada won't have easy ammo.

>

> 2) Send back another polite and friendly decline, saying I have already

> made plans to be out-of-state on that day, but thanks anyway for the

> invite. This is kind of true but it's a half-truth, as it skirts around the

> issue of the upcoming move by making it sound like I'm just taking a

> holiday trip, not a permanent flight. That makes me feel a bit

> uncomfortable as I don't want to lie to these people -- they're not

> actually responsible in any way for this situation, they're being jerked

> around by Nada.

>

> But there's no way I'm dropping the dime on the move earlier than planned,

> because this little letter has me convinced that my fears of flying monkey

> attacks are well-founded, so no one is getting a tip off until the very

> last minute. UGH!

>

> I think I'm going to be in the market for a nice big can of Flying Monkey

> repellent even sooner than I thought I was.

>

> -- Jen H.

>

>

[Guest guest]

Agree...

[Guest guest]

In my opinion its OK to just be a broken record; send yet another brief but

polite and tepid decline. No explanation is necessary. Just something like:

" Thank you for the invitation, but I already have plans for that day. Have a

lovely Boxing Day party! "

The idea is to detach emotionally as much as possible from nada and from her

flying monkeys, so that the ugly, negative things they do/say can't hurt you as

much, utilizing a " Medium Chill " kind of approach.

-Annie

>

> Hi folks --

>

> As you know, I instituted NC with Nada in April of this year and will be

> parting ways with her completely in a couple of weeks when I move out and

> to a different state. My full brother knows about Nada and understands how

> she is (although I suspect he'll still be pissed when I leave because then

> she'll get back on his case like she was before I came out here to " rescue "

> him, more fool me), but I have an older half-brother and half-sister from

> my father's first marriage (note: NOT related to Nada!) and it seems like

> Nada has recruited this older half-brother and his wife as flying monkeys,

> as they have been inviting me to " family get togethers " every month or so

> since the NC, which I have always declined in a polite and friendly way,

> either saying that I was already booked (generally true -- they tend to

> send these invites the week before the date and I generally plan my

> weekends several weeks in advance) or I beg off on the grounds that

> relations are sufficiently poor with Nada that I feel that a gathering

> would be too awkward for all concerned (completely true.)

>

> I have invited this older half-brother and his wife to meet with me, by

> myself, for coffee and pastries any time they happen to be in the area

> (they live about an hour and a half away by car.) They've never taken me

> up on it nor given me any reason why they weren't doing so, so I've always

> suspected that they've been recruited by Nada as flying monkeys and she's

> badgering them to keep trying to drag me to these gatherings so that some

> sort of " intervention " can be staged on behalf of Nada, with a lot of

> browbeating of me and " She's so sorry, why can't you forgive her, she's

> old, she's going to die soon, you'll feel really bad if that happens while

> you're still holding a grudge, " and blah blah blah blah et cetera ad

> nauseum. I'm sure you all know the drill.

>

> I don't really hold it against them because they just flat-out don't know

> Nada and don't understand how they're being manipulated, and I have

> resisted the impulse to write them a long letter saying " LOOK, the nasty

> old hag is just jerking you around for her own ends and filling your heads

> full of lies, and you shouldn't believe a word of it, " because since they

> haven't dealt with me very much (even though I'm the blood relation, not

> Nada) they have no real reason to believe my version of things over hers.

> So I've just done my damnedest to keep them completely out of it.

>

> Tonight I got this email from my half-brother's wife:

>

> ----

>

> ,

>

> We are inviting everyone here for December 26th, Boxing Day, for a meal and

> for games. I don't have a specific time of the day yet.

>

> Before you say no, please, please come. We have no agenda, we just want to

> be with everyone including you.

>

> ---------

>

>

> Now, I told them just before Thanksgiving that I didn't want to attend a

> family gathering with Nada because of bad relations, and they surely know

> that things haven't changed. Furthermore, I have NEVER suggested to them

> that I think they have an agenda, because while I kind of suspected they

> did, I had no proof and I wanted to give them the benefit of the doubt.

>

> So, what I have here is a sister-in-law (half sister-in-law?) begging me to

> attend a family gathering with Nada when I have already said I don't want

> to, and have said why, and she is protesting that they have " no agenda. "

>

> Horsecrap, lady. You have an agenda. If you want to be with ME, because you

> want to get to know ME, by myself, why haven't you taken me up on any of my

> coffee-and-pastry invites? You definitely have an agenda, and it's Nada's

> agenda.

>

> Now, know what the really whacked thing is here?

>

> I WILL BE IN ANOTHER STATE BY DECEMBER 26TH, God willing! I haven't told

> anyone in the family about this yet because I want to avoid any kind of

> flying monkey attacks on behalf of poor old lonely sad Nada -- like THIS

> one!! But I won't even be within 500 miles on Boxing Day.

>

> On the one hand, this is kind of good, because it means Nada hasn't figured

> out my plans and hasn't taken any steps to interfere. That's a good thing.

>

> On the other hand, I'm not sure exactly how to proceed. I see two options:

>

> 1) Ignore it completely. They'll understand why, when they get my email in

> a week or so announcing the move. The only problem is that if I ignore the

> email, Nada may find this an excuse for some kind of attack, as she's tried

> to use the " You have to do what I want because if you don't, half-brother

> and his family will be very, very sad!!! " before this. (No, it has never

> worked.) If I send a decline, Nada won't have easy ammo.

>

> 2) Send back another polite and friendly decline, saying I have already

> made plans to be out-of-state on that day, but thanks anyway for the

> invite. This is kind of true but it's a half-truth, as it skirts around the

> issue of the upcoming move by making it sound like I'm just taking a

> holiday trip, not a permanent flight. That makes me feel a bit

> uncomfortable as I don't want to lie to these people -- they're not

> actually responsible in any way for this situation, they're being jerked

> around by Nada.

>

> But there's no way I'm dropping the dime on the move earlier than planned,

> because this little letter has me convinced that my fears of flying monkey

> attacks are well-founded, so no one is getting a tip off until the very

> last minute. UGH!

>

> I think I'm going to be in the market for a nice big can of Flying Monkey

> repellent even sooner than I thought I was.

>

> -- Jen H.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Flying Monkey repellant. Wow. Is it commerically available?

Sure, she has an agenda. And to give her benefit of doubt, it may be with the

best of intentions, trying to heal a broken family relationship. She may not yet

have been burned enough by Nada to understand.

But that being said, she is still functioning as a flying monkey. Deal with her

as such.

You have left the door open for her to create a relationship that does not

include nada. Good choice. Leave it open unless she gives you reasons that

involve her not to do so.

You have said your choices are to lie, or evade, or ignore. I would submit you

have another, healthier choice.

Truth. SIL doesnt have to like it, but it is your truth.

" Thanks so much for inviting me, SIL. I would certainly like to visit with you

and get to know you sometime. However, as you know, I will not put myself in

any position that involves being around Nada. You may not understand my

reasons, but that is my choice and is not negotiable. So I send my regrets that

I cannot attend with her there. As always, I would love to see you for coffee

and conversation without Nada. "

This way, Nada or FM s are not manipulating you into playing one of thier games.

You are not mad or offended, but your truth and choices have not changed.

Invite me all you want. I ll choose to perceive it as a friendly action. But I

will not violate my NC with Nada.

Just a thought for you to ponder.

Doug

[Guest guest]

Doug --

Truth, eh? I'll admit, I hadn't considered that approach. My fear is that

it will be impossible to phrase such a letter without it coming off as my

trying to say (very politely) " Okay, look, it's her or it's me, you can't

have both, so you're going to have to choose. " As I said, although I'm the

blood relative, she's the one who has spent the most time dealing with

them, not because I dislike them, but because she has a lot more free time

on her hands to drive up there and hang out, plus she seems to be actively

courting them as some kind of replacements for me and my brother, her

actual children (about which all I can say is, God help them.)

It appears to me that Nada is determined to make them a part of our

incredibly bad dynamic, and they simply aren't in a position to see what's

going on -- and they won't believe me if I tell them. They are also rather

strongly religious, which doesn't bother me as a rule except that I

wouldn't be at all surprised to hear them lecture me about " Honor Thy

Mother " and so on even if they believe me when I describe how bad her

behavior toward me really is. If they are inclined to think badly of me

thanks to her brainwashing them, anything I say that expresses my truth is

only going to confirm that opinion in their mind.

If they are still at all open-minded and not totally taken in by her

version of reality (and again, I have never attempted to lift the veil of

Nada illusion for them) I don't want to give them any excuse to harden

their opinions of how " unreasonable " and " unforgiving " I'm being. Nada is

elderly and won't live forever; I may want to actually have a real

relationship with these people one day once her poisonous influence is out

of the picture.

So while I'm a big fan of the truth (told gently) in most situations, in

this one, thinking about using that approach gives me a queasy feeling in

my stomach, like I would be walking into a trap. If I stick to polite

evasions that are not outright lies, don't I deprive my Nada of a chance to

seize on an honest letter with wild cries of " SEE? SEE HOW MUCH SHE HATES

ME? FOR NO REASON!! " and firmly set the vision of her as a harmless and

helpless old woman badly treated by her vengeful adult daughter in their

minds? Yes, to any of *US* that would be an obvious ploy, but remember

that this community is not the world at large (which these relatives are a

part of.) The world at large wears huge blinders about how saintly mothers

" always " are and how " ungrateful " children always are and how they always

" take advantage " , blah blah blah.

I'm really shying away from the idea of trying to drag these people out of

their rose-colored family world and into the much darker one all of us live

in. I don't think they'll want to come, and I think they just won't ever

see my truth until and unless my Nada drops her act in front of them and

shows them the face of herself that I and my full-brother have lived with

all our lives. But she will tie herself into knots to keep her mask from

slipping because she just HAS to prove that I (and my full brother) are

" bad kids " and she's a " good mother " . (It's such a shame that Nadas never

put that kind of effort into actually BEING good mothers, isn't it? It

would be so much more efficient...)

So I dunno. I haven't sent a reply yet, and I have an appointment with my

therapist tomorrow so I'll run the question by her and see what she has to

say.

-- Jen H.

> **

>

>

> Flying Monkey repellant. Wow. Is it commerically available?

>

> Sure, she has an agenda. And to give her benefit of doubt, it may be with

> the best of intentions, trying to heal a broken family relationship. She

> may not yet have been burned enough by Nada to understand.

>

> But that being said, she is still functioning as a flying monkey. Deal

> with her as such.

>

> You have left the door open for her to create a relationship that does not

> include nada. Good choice. Leave it open unless she gives you reasons that

> involve her not to do so.

>

> You have said your choices are to lie, or evade, or ignore. I would submit

> you have another, healthier choice.

>

> Truth. SIL doesnt have to like it, but it is your truth.

>

> " Thanks so much for inviting me, SIL. I would certainly like to visit

> with you and get to know you sometime. However, as you know, I will not put

> myself in any position that involves being around Nada. You may not

> understand my reasons, but that is my choice and is not negotiable. So I

> send my regrets that I cannot attend with her there. As always, I would

> love to see you for coffee and conversation without Nada. "

>

> This way, Nada or FM s are not manipulating you into playing one of thier

> games. You are not mad or offended, but your truth and choices have not

> changed. Invite me all you want. I ll choose to perceive it as a friendly

> action. But I will not violate my NC with Nada.

>

> Just a thought for you to ponder.

>

> Doug

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Jen, good luck with this issue. These people are probably not as

interested in all this drama as it may seem. If they think this or

that and if the bpd does this or that it really doesn't matter all

that much. Life is too short to worry about minutiae. If you don't

want to go don't. " thanks but no thanks " is polite and okay and if

people blah blah blah that's their problem and an expression of them

not you.

> Doug --

>

> Truth, eh? I'll admit, I hadn't considered that approach. My fear is that

> it will be impossible to phrase such a letter without it coming off as my

> trying to say (very politely) " Okay, look, it's her or it's me, you can't

> have both, so you're going to have to choose. " As I said, although I'm the

> blood relative, she's the one who has spent the most time dealing with

> them, not because I dislike them, but because she has a lot more free time

> on her hands to drive up there and hang out, plus she seems to be actively

> courting them as some kind of replacements for me and my brother, her

> actual children (about which all I can say is, God help them.)

>

> It appears to me that Nada is determined to make them a part of our

> incredibly bad dynamic, and they simply aren't in a position to see what's

> going on -- and they won't believe me if I tell them. They are also rather

> strongly religious, which doesn't bother me as a rule except that I

> wouldn't be at all surprised to hear them lecture me about " Honor Thy

> Mother " and so on even if they believe me when I describe how bad her

> behavior toward me really is. If they are inclined to think badly of me

> thanks to her brainwashing them, anything I say that expresses my truth is

> only going to confirm that opinion in their mind.

>

> If they are still at all open-minded and not totally taken in by her

> version of reality (and again, I have never attempted to lift the veil of

> Nada illusion for them) I don't want to give them any excuse to harden

> their opinions of how " unreasonable " and " unforgiving " I'm being. Nada is

> elderly and won't live forever; I may want to actually have a real

> relationship with these people one day once her poisonous influence is out

> of the picture.

>

> So while I'm a big fan of the truth (told gently) in most situations, in

> this one, thinking about using that approach gives me a queasy feeling in

> my stomach, like I would be walking into a trap. If I stick to polite

> evasions that are not outright lies, don't I deprive my Nada of a chance to

> seize on an honest letter with wild cries of " SEE? SEE HOW MUCH SHE HATES

> ME? FOR NO REASON!! " and firmly set the vision of her as a harmless and

> helpless old woman badly treated by her vengeful adult daughter in their

> minds? Yes, to any of *US* that would be an obvious ploy, but remember

> that this community is not the world at large (which these relatives are a

> part of.) The world at large wears huge blinders about how saintly mothers

> " always " are and how " ungrateful " children always are and how they always

> " take advantage " , blah blah blah.

>

> I'm really shying away from the idea of trying to drag these people out of

> their rose-colored family world and into the much darker one all of us live

> in. I don't think they'll want to come, and I think they just won't ever

> see my truth until and unless my Nada drops her act in front of them and

> shows them the face of herself that I and my full-brother have lived with

> all our lives. But she will tie herself into knots to keep her mask from

> slipping because she just HAS to prove that I (and my full brother) are

> " bad kids " and she's a " good mother " . (It's such a shame that Nadas never

> put that kind of effort into actually BEING good mothers, isn't it? It

> would be so much more efficient...)

>

> So I dunno. I haven't sent a reply yet, and I have an appointment with my

> therapist tomorrow so I'll run the question by her and see what she has to

> say.

>

> -- Jen H.

>

>

>

>

>> **

>>

>>

>> Flying Monkey repellant. Wow. Is it commerically available?

>>

>> Sure, she has an agenda. And to give her benefit of doubt, it may be with

>> the best of intentions, trying to heal a broken family relationship. She

>> may not yet have been burned enough by Nada to understand.

>>

>> But that being said, she is still functioning as a flying monkey. Deal

>> with her as such.

>>

>> You have left the door open for her to create a relationship that does not

>> include nada. Good choice. Leave it open unless she gives you reasons that

>> involve her not to do so.

>>

>> You have said your choices are to lie, or evade, or ignore. I would submit

>> you have another, healthier choice.

>>

>> Truth. SIL doesnt have to like it, but it is your truth.

>>

>> " Thanks so much for inviting me, SIL. I would certainly like to visit

>> with you and get to know you sometime. However, as you know, I will not put

>> myself in any position that involves being around Nada. You may not

>> understand my reasons, but that is my choice and is not negotiable. So I

>> send my regrets that I cannot attend with her there. As always, I would

>> love to see you for coffee and conversation without Nada. "

>>

>> This way, Nada or FM s are not manipulating you into playing one of thier

>> games. You are not mad or offended, but your truth and choices have not

>> changed. Invite me all you want. I ll choose to perceive it as a friendly

>> action. But I will not violate my NC with Nada.

>>

>> Just a thought for you to ponder.

>>

>> Doug

>>

>>

>>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Jen,

You say that telling them you'll be out of town feels

uncomfortably like a lie. That's the part of all of this that I

want to address. One of the fleas that comes from being raised

by a nada is often a distorted idea of how much of the truth

other people should be told. Nadas are the queens of

inappropriate sharing. They often tell us far more than the

should about personal stuff and they often expect us to tell

them every little detail of our lives, accusing us of telling

lies if we don't tell them everything they want to know. The

consequence of this can be a lack of understanding of how much

other people are entitled to be told. Responding to an

invitation is not like a court of law where you are swearing to

tell " the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth " .

You get to choose how much to tell. Choosing not tell all of the

truth becomes a lie when you pick and choose which parts to tell

with the intention of making other people believe things that

aren't true and that they wouldn't have believed otherwise.

Anything from " I'm sorry I won't be able to come " to " I can't

come because I won't be in the area that day " to " I'm moving

away so I won't be available to come " is the truth and is

acceptable. You don't owe them any more than a polite yes or no

answer. If you're interested in maintaining a cordial

relationship, something more would probably be a good choice.

Given the circumstances, I think I'd choose something in the

middle range and tell them you don't plan on being in the area

for the holidays. You could choose to really jump into the truth

and explain why you wouldn't come even if you were going to be

in the area, but that's something I'd choose to do in person if

I were going to do it. I think you're going to have to say

something to them about it at some point if you want to try to

have much of a relationship with them. If they have no

understanding of what is going on, they may not even understand

that they're being flying monkees. It is possible that they just

want to have a get-together and that they really don't have any

agenda that they're aware of. Nadas can be very good at talking

clueless people into doing what they want without having them

figure out that there is an agenda involved.

At 09:09 PM 12/02/2012 Hawthorne wrote:

>Hi folks --

>

>As you know, I instituted NC with Nada in April of this year

>and will be

>parting ways with her completely in a couple of weeks when I

>move out and

>to a different state. My full brother knows about Nada and

>understands how

>she is (although I suspect he'll still be pissed when I leave

>because then

>she'll get back on his case like she was before I came out here

>to " rescue "

>him, more fool me), but I have an older half-brother and

>half-sister from

>my father's first marriage (note: NOT related to Nada!) and it

>seems like

>Nada has recruited this older half-brother and his wife as

>flying monkeys,

>as they have been inviting me to " family get togethers " every

>month or so

>since the NC, which I have always declined in a polite and

>friendly way,

>either saying that I was already booked (generally true -- they

>tend to

>send these invites the week before the date and I generally

>plan my

>weekends several weeks in advance) or I beg off on the grounds

>that

>relations are sufficiently poor with Nada that I feel that a

>gathering

>would be too awkward for all concerned (completely true.)

>

>I have invited this older half-brother and his wife to meet

>with me, by

>myself, for coffee and pastries any time they happen to be in

>the area

>(they live about an hour and a half away by car.) They've

>never taken me

>up on it nor given me any reason why they weren't doing so, so

>I've always

>suspected that they've been recruited by Nada as flying monkeys

>and she's

>badgering them to keep trying to drag me to these gatherings so

>that some

>sort of " intervention " can be staged on behalf of Nada, with a

>lot of

>browbeating of me and " She's so sorry, why can't you forgive

>her, she's

>old, she's going to die soon, you'll feel really bad if that

>happens while

>you're still holding a grudge, " and blah blah blah blah et

>cetera ad

>nauseum. I'm sure you all know the drill.

>

>I don't really hold it against them because they just flat-out

>don't know

>Nada and don't understand how they're being manipulated, and I

>have

>resisted the impulse to write them a long letter saying " LOOK,

>the nasty

>old hag is just jerking you around for her own ends and filling

>your heads

>full of lies, and you shouldn't believe a word of it, " because

>since they

>haven't dealt with me very much (even though I'm the blood

>relation, not

>Nada) they have no real reason to believe my version of things

>over hers.

>So I've just done my damnedest to keep them completely out of

>it.

>

>Tonight I got this email from my half-brother's wife:

>

>----

>

>,

>

>We are inviting everyone here for December 26th, Boxing Day,

>for a meal and

>for games. I don't have a specific time of the day yet.

>

>Before you say no, please, please come. We have no agenda, we

>just want to

>be with everyone including you.

>

>---------

>

>

>Now, I told them just before Thanksgiving that I didn't want to

>attend a

>family gathering with Nada because of bad relations, and they

>surely know

>that things haven't changed. Furthermore, I have NEVER

>suggested to them

>that I think they have an agenda, because while I kind of

>suspected they

>did, I had no proof and I wanted to give them the benefit of

>the doubt.

>

>So, what I have here is a sister-in-law (half sister-in-law?)

>begging me to

>attend a family gathering with Nada when I have already said I

>don't want

>to, and have said why, and she is protesting that they have " no

>agenda. "

>

>Horsecrap, lady. You have an agenda. If you want to be with ME,

>because you

>want to get to know ME, by myself, why haven't you taken me up

>on any of my

>coffee-and-pastry invites? You definitely have an agenda, and

>it's Nada's

>agenda.

>

>Now, know what the really whacked thing is here?

>

>I WILL BE IN ANOTHER STATE BY DECEMBER 26TH, God willing! I

>haven't told

>anyone in the family about this yet because I want to avoid any

>kind of

>flying monkey attacks on behalf of poor old lonely sad Nada --

>like THIS

>one!! But I won't even be within 500 miles on Boxing Day.

>

>On the one hand, this is kind of good, because it means Nada

>hasn't figured

>out my plans and hasn't taken any steps to interfere. That's a

>good thing.

>

>On the other hand, I'm not sure exactly how to proceed. I see

>two options:

>

>1) Ignore it completely. They'll understand why, when they get

>my email in

>a week or so announcing the move. The only problem is that if I

>ignore the

>email, Nada may find this an excuse for some kind of attack, as

>she's tried

>to use the " You have to do what I want because if you don't,

>half-brother

>and his family will be very, very sad!!! " before this. (No,

>it has never

>worked.) If I send a decline, Nada won't have easy ammo.

>

>2) Send back another polite and friendly decline, saying I have

>already

>made plans to be out-of-state on that day, but thanks anyway

>for the

>invite. This is kind of true but it's a half-truth, as it

>skirts around the

>issue of the upcoming move by making it sound like I'm just

>taking a

>holiday trip, not a permanent flight. That makes me feel a bit

>uncomfortable as I don't want to lie to these people -- they're

>not

>actually responsible in any way for this situation, they're

>being jerked

>around by Nada.

>

>But there's no way I'm dropping the dime on the move earlier

>than planned,

>because this little letter has me convinced that my fears of

>flying monkey

>attacks are well-founded, so no one is getting a tip off until

>the very

>last minute. UGH!

>

>I think I'm going to be in the market for a nice big can of

>Flying Monkey

>repellent even sooner than I thought I was.

>

>-- Jen H.

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

You don't have to make an excuse, or even take the bait for a fight. Just say

you appreciate the invitation but you can't make it. The end.

You don't have to say you'll be out of town, or out of state, or that you have

other lplans, or anything. You don't need an excuse to live your own life.

Best of luck with the move--I'm proud of you for making a plan to take care of

yourself.

Sveta

> >Hi folks --

> >

> >As you know, I instituted NC with Nada in April of this year

> >and will be

> >parting ways with her completely in a couple of weeks when I

> >move out and

> >to a different state. My full brother knows about Nada and

> >understands how

> >she is (although I suspect he'll still be pissed when I leave

> >because then

> >she'll get back on his case like she was before I came out here

> >to " rescue "

> >him, more fool me), but I have an older half-brother and

> >half-sister from

> >my father's first marriage (note: NOT related to Nada!) and it

> >seems like

> >Nada has recruited this older half-brother and his wife as

> >flying monkeys,

> >as they have been inviting me to " family get togethers " every

> >month or so

> >since the NC, which I have always declined in a polite and

> >friendly way,

> >either saying that I was already booked (generally true -- they

> >tend to

> >send these invites the week before the date and I generally

> >plan my

> >weekends several weeks in advance) or I beg off on the grounds

> >that

> >relations are sufficiently poor with Nada that I feel that a

> >gathering

> >would be too awkward for all concerned (completely true.)

> >

> >I have invited this older half-brother and his wife to meet

> >with me, by

> >myself, for coffee and pastries any time they happen to be in

> >the area

> >(they live about an hour and a half away by car.) They've

> >never taken me

> >up on it nor given me any reason why they weren't doing so, so

> >I've always

> >suspected that they've been recruited by Nada as flying monkeys

> >and she's

> >badgering them to keep trying to drag me to these gatherings so

> >that some

> >sort of " intervention " can be staged on behalf of Nada, with a

> >lot of

> >browbeating of me and " She's so sorry, why can't you forgive

> >her, she's

> >old, she's going to die soon, you'll feel really bad if that

> >happens while

> >you're still holding a grudge, " and blah blah blah blah et

> >cetera ad

> >nauseum. I'm sure you all know the drill.

> >

> >I don't really hold it against them because they just flat-out

> >don't know

> >Nada and don't understand how they're being manipulated, and I

> >have

> >resisted the impulse to write them a long letter saying " LOOK,

> >the nasty

> >old hag is just jerking you around for her own ends and filling

> >your heads

> >full of lies, and you shouldn't believe a word of it, " because

> >since they

> >haven't dealt with me very much (even though I'm the blood

> >relation, not

> >Nada) they have no real reason to believe my version of things

> >over hers.

> >So I've just done my damnedest to keep them completely out of

> >it.

> >

> >Tonight I got this email from my half-brother's wife:

> >

> >----

> >

> >,

> >

> >We are inviting everyone here for December 26th, Boxing Day,

> >for a meal and

> >for games. I don't have a specific time of the day yet.

> >

> >Before you say no, please, please come. We have no agenda, we

> >just want to

> >be with everyone including you.

> >

> >---------

> >

> >

> >Now, I told them just before Thanksgiving that I didn't want to

> >attend a

> >family gathering with Nada because of bad relations, and they

> >surely know

> >that things haven't changed. Furthermore, I have NEVER

> >suggested to them

> >that I think they have an agenda, because while I kind of

> >suspected they

> >did, I had no proof and I wanted to give them the benefit of

> >the doubt.

> >

> >So, what I have here is a sister-in-law (half sister-in-law?)

> >begging me to

> >attend a family gathering with Nada when I have already said I

> >don't want

> >to, and have said why, and she is protesting that they have " no

> >agenda. "

> >

> >Horsecrap, lady. You have an agenda. If you want to be with ME,

> >because you

> >want to get to know ME, by myself, why haven't you taken me up

> >on any of my

> >coffee-and-pastry invites? You definitely have an agenda, and

> >it's Nada's

> >agenda.

> >

> >Now, know what the really whacked thing is here?

> >

> >I WILL BE IN ANOTHER STATE BY DECEMBER 26TH, God willing! I

> >haven't told

> >anyone in the family about this yet because I want to avoid any

> >kind of

> >flying monkey attacks on behalf of poor old lonely sad Nada --

> >like THIS

> >one!! But I won't even be within 500 miles on Boxing Day.

> >

> >On the one hand, this is kind of good, because it means Nada

> >hasn't figured

> >out my plans and hasn't taken any steps to interfere. That's a

> >good thing.

> >

> >On the other hand, I'm not sure exactly how to proceed. I see

> >two options:

> >

> >1) Ignore it completely. They'll understand why, when they get

> >my email in

> >a week or so announcing the move. The only problem is that if I

> >ignore the

> >email, Nada may find this an excuse for some kind of attack, as

> >she's tried

> >to use the " You have to do what I want because if you don't,

> >half-brother

> >and his family will be very, very sad!!! " before this. (No,

> >it has never

> >worked.) If I send a decline, Nada won't have easy ammo.

> >

> >2) Send back another polite and friendly decline, saying I have

> >already

> >made plans to be out-of-state on that day, but thanks anyway

> >for the

> >invite. This is kind of true but it's a half-truth, as it

> >skirts around the

> >issue of the upcoming move by making it sound like I'm just

> >taking a

> >holiday trip, not a permanent flight. That makes me feel a bit

> >uncomfortable as I don't want to lie to these people -- they're

> >not

> >actually responsible in any way for this situation, they're

> >being jerked

> >around by Nada.

> >

> >But there's no way I'm dropping the dime on the move earlier

> >than planned,

> >because this little letter has me convinced that my fears of

> >flying monkey

> >attacks are well-founded, so no one is getting a tip off until

> >the very

> >last minute. UGH!

> >

> >I think I'm going to be in the market for a nice big can of

> >Flying Monkey

> >repellent even sooner than I thought I was.

> >

> >-- Jen H.

>

> --

> Katrina

>