All of my efforts, for nothing...

December 4, 2012

With everyone's help here, I have worked hard since July when discovering my

mother had BPD, to create a space to protect myself mentally. Have a long ways

to go, but was making progress.

Very long story short, the weekend of Thanksgiving my mother was diagnosed with

Stage 3 Cervical Cancer and with that came many dr appointments, a stay in the

hospital, and a couple of days where I had to stay with her 24/7. That has

created that overwhelming need on her part again where she doesn't want me out

of her sight. And now, they suspect she either has dementia or the cancer has

spread to her brain. But in any event, as you know with BPD, this is not a

pleasant person to be around. She is forgetting EVERYTHING and fussing at me

about it. And we won't even discuss the negativity spewing forth. And the

'conspiracy' from all healthcare workers...

Prognosis and treatment are not known yet, her GYN oncologist appt is Monday.

Thank you all for listening. You all know what I'm going through. I truly do not

want to appear selfish or uncaring. I do love my mother. But this combination is

just so difficult to deal with. I needed a " safe place " to vent from people who

understand my situation.

Tori

December 4, 2012

(((((Tori)))))

Share here and vent here all you want. That's what we're here for. My Sister

(mostly, and I to a much lesser degree) went through our borderline

pd/narcissistic pd mother's decline into dementia a couple of years ago. Our

mother/ " nada " didn't have cancer but she had a different, long-term illness that

also contributed to the decline in her mental competency over several years and

was a factor in her death. (Nada died at just about this time last year;

mid-December.)

Our nada's lifelong bpd behaviors, and then her escalating dementia behaviors

plus her escalating chronic illness took a heavy toll on my little Sister's

reserves of strength and endurance as she continued to act as our nada's part

time/supervisory care-giver.

(I personally think my Sister is a living saint. Honestly.)

I was there for Sister to vent to, to offer my emotional support to her and to

remind her that she, Sister, is a good person and not the vile, " bad " daughter

that our nada kept claiming that she was. Even so, I think what helped my

Sister the most was having a really good, compassionate therapist to help her

emotionally detach from our nada so that the ugly, hateful things that nada

would say about Sister didn't impact her as much.

I hope you have a support system in place to help you, to give you a break in

care-giving, and to give you in-person emotional support when you need it.

And you have us.

Wishing you all the strength and endurance you need to get through this.

Keep reminding yourself that your nada's mind is going: dementia robs us of our

executive function; any " filters " that might have been in place get dissolved,

pretty much, and the bpd behaviors like paranoia can become more intense and

more frequent. So the negative things she says about you are not based on

anything even close to reality.

I hope that helps.

-Annie

>

> With everyone's help here, I have worked hard since July when discovering my

mother had BPD, to create a space to protect myself mentally. Have a long ways

to go, but was making progress.

>

> Very long story short, the weekend of Thanksgiving my mother was diagnosed

with Stage 3 Cervical Cancer and with that came many dr appointments, a stay in

the hospital, and a couple of days where I had to stay with her 24/7. That has

created that overwhelming need on her part again where she doesn't want me out

of her sight. And now, they suspect she either has dementia or the cancer has

spread to her brain. But in any event, as you know with BPD, this is not a

pleasant person to be around. She is forgetting EVERYTHING and fussing at me

about it. And we won't even discuss the negativity spewing forth. And the

'conspiracy' from all healthcare workers...

>

> Prognosis and treatment are not known yet, her GYN oncologist appt is Monday.

>

> Thank you all for listening. You all know what I'm going through. I truly do

not want to appear selfish or uncaring. I do love my mother. But this

combination is just so difficult to deal with. I needed a " safe place " to vent

from people who understand my situation.

>

> Tori

>

December 7, 2012

((Tori)), I so, so know how you feel. I'm sorry your mother is so ill.

It stinks that they get sick (my mother just had hernia surgery last week) but

them being sick is complicated by the nastiness, the not wanting us out of their

sight, etc.

I know what you mean when you said, " I truly do not want to appear selfish or

uncaring. I do love my mother. But this combination is just so difficult to deal

with. " It's HORRIBLE to deal with.

When my mother told me she needed surgery, my first thought wasn't, " oh no, poor

Mom " ; it was " oh no, what will this mean for the boundaries I've sooo carefully

constructed over the past year?? " Because I know it's going to take time to

rebuild them after she's better. They're started to blur again and I don't like

it.

She calls me if she can't poop, she calls me if she can, she calls me about

every little symptom or calls me to ask me to call the doctor, like I'm a phone

service.

I can only imagine how it would be with something as serious as what your mother

has.

We're not selfish or uncaring. I think we're just being protective of ourselves.

Who would want to invite more crazy into their lives?

Hang in there; you're not alone!!

Fiona