Curious about how people got away from BPD parents

[Guest guest]

Hi everyone,

so I am trying to figure out a plan to leave my bpd mother. I'm 28 and I still

live with her. My dad died and a whole bunch of other stuff happened and so I

just ended up staying with her. Now I feel trapped. And sometimes she's violent.

I want to leave her but I feel like I really can't.

How did you all manage to leave?

[Guest guest]

Hi Olivia --

Okay, first you have to carefully assess what skills and resources you have

access to. The first hurdle is generally financial -- do you have a job?

One where you can put away enough money to cover the rent and security

deposit on a place of your own, even a very small one? If you don't have

regular work, this is the first thing to focus on as you're going to need

the money and the work experience to empower you to get away. Also, having

a regular job to go to with (hopefully) saner people around you will get

you out of the house and hopefully give you some self-confidence and some

contacts you can use.

Unfortunately, while there are shelters for abused spouses/partners to take

refuge in, I don't know of any shelters for abused children, especially

adult children. (There's something off about that, come to think of it...)

Have you explored options for funding education maybe? I realize taking on

student debt stinks, but if you can get loans, you can move out and live as

a student while building skills for better financial stability later.

Students can usually get cheaper housing on-campus than what the open

market in the area is (not always true, but sometimes.)

Are there any possibilities for roommate living to help you afford a place

away from your Mom? Roommating is something of a gamble, and I've had a

few unpleasant experiences, but I also met my best friend (going on 20

years now!) via a roommating arrangement. Having someone to split rent and

utilities with can make moving out a lot more affordable. And, unlike with

your Mom, if you get very unlucky with your roommate and encounter

violence, you can call the cops on them. (Cops tend not to take " My Mom

won't stop hitting me! " seriously, but they'll go after a non-family-member

who does this.)

Could you maybe find a job that includes a room, such as a live-in

companion for an elderly person? Those jobs aren't too common but they are

out there.

Do you have any relatives anywhere who might let you bunk with them while

you look for work and recover your resources?

Is there rent-controlled or public housing available where you live? These

places often have long waiting lists and they're not the greatest of places

to live, but they're not usually the hellish pits TV would have you believe

either, and anyway you're already living under the same roof with a violent

person, so I'd say you'd be better off even in a crappy housing project

than where you are now.

Putting some distance and some walls and locked doors between her and you

should be your top priority here. Even a homeless shelter might be

preferable for a short period of time (or for a place to take a break for a

day or two when she's especially bad. If you have some cash you could also

decamp to a cheap hotel for a break for a couple of days. Maybe buy a tent

and go camping, even!)

-- Jen H.

> **

>

>

> Hi everyone,

>

> so I am trying to figure out a plan to leave my bpd mother. I'm 28 and I

> still live with her. My dad died and a whole bunch of other stuff happened

> and so I just ended up staying with her. Now I feel trapped. And sometimes

> she's violent. I want to leave her but I feel like I really can't.

>

> How did you all manage to leave?

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you so much for writing back.

Here's what I've got going on:

I'm in grad school right now. I graduate May of next year (so about five months

from now). I do not have a job because I'm doing practicum work for my degree

to, believe it or not, become a therapist. Actually, this is how this all came

about for me. My therapist had been telling me that he thought my mom had BPD

but I dismissed it, and then when I got to grad school and we were learning

about personality disorders I thought my mom sounding a lot like BPD, but

dismissed (or was it complete denial I guess) but it just really hit me

literally on Tuesday. TUESDAY. So, this is all fresh for me. In some ways, I'm

really so happy I entered into this program because it has shown me in black and

white what abuse is, who my mother is, etc., but I still have this co-dependency

thing going on.

So, almost done with grad school, but no job. I need to at least hang in there

until June 27th because then I will officially be done with school. I am

applying for jobs, but it is difficult to get something when I'm not finished

yet. That's the difficulty. I have about $10,000.00 saved up right now which I

am trying to keep saved. It's in a cash deposit earning interest.

I have my own car that I pay for, but I'm on my mom's insurance for that.

I really feel so stupid and immature that I even have to ask this stuff. I

should know it already. But I don't. I've never even have had a boyfriend or

anything because I've become consumed with my mother and making her content and

happy (which never happens in the long run, obviously). I feel so much like a

fool. So immature.

So, I need a plan of how to leave when I graduate. I hate this. I should be able

to just get up and leave!

>

> > **

> >

> >

> > Hi everyone,

> >

> > so I am trying to figure out a plan to leave my bpd mother. I'm 28 and I

> > still live with her. My dad died and a whole bunch of other stuff happened

> > and so I just ended up staying with her. Now I feel trapped. And sometimes

> > she's violent. I want to leave her but I feel like I really can't.

> >

> > How did you all manage to leave?

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

For me it's a long story because I think I've learned to leave starting at 1.5

year of age with all of the separation anxiety it engendered.

The point is that it's a learnable skill and you just get better at it with

practice and hard work though the road can be rocky. And, then you have to make

sure " leaving " isn't something you become so good at that it's the only way you

can deal with EVERY kind of problem. I find it important to remind myself that

I deserve to have a safe place I can call home to come back to, as needed (which

of course implies a place devoid of BPD patterns) I think I'm still working on

not constantly preparing for the worst at 50 though it sounds like a good goal

to have while planing for old age and making sure my past survival mode does not

create a repeating self fulfilling prophesy - tricky.

Leaving as a child by choosing (from the age of 6) to go to boarding school

during school years and spending all of my summers in host families abroad

(using language learning as my excuse), and permanently as a 15 year old were

survival responses. And it's a good thing I did that because, unlike my

" golden " siblings who still don't have a clue what a normal family might be

like, it exposed me to other families where the dynamic was so much healthier

and I still have a close and loving relation with one of these families to this

day.

At 14 I'd figured, following a long consideration of jumping out of the window,

that leaving would be the better option since, given my luck, I'd probably just

break my neck " LOL " and be even more subject to my her abuse as a quadriplegic.

So, moved from europe to the USA at 15 " to learn English " and never came back

home (which in the mean time also move to the US so I moved to other states,

working my way through college, to keep my distances except for very occasional

and very brief xmass or weekend visits) after that until I was 38.

At 38, I was heart broken over:

- my Dad's passing

- the dramatic consequences confronting my in-law's refusal to change their

pedophile risk behavior was having on my Italian marriage,

- the impact that was also having on my jet setting career which did not jive

well with having to control my in-law's intrusions on my kids. (In hind sight, I

think they did it on purpose to ruin my career because I was making more money

than their son -- pretty BPD on their part too!).

In sum, in a moment of weakness the natural instinct to run to Mom for support

overcame me and I became completely stupid and moved close to her with my 5 & 6

year old convinced we could be of support to each other now that she was

widowed. That's how my awareness of her BPD patterns of behavior hit me like a

running train at 40

while she trampled everything I had ever worked for my entire life (and at that

point as a single mother). She was like an elephant swirling a baseball bat in

its trunk in my fine china store. Not only did she never ever validate what I

was going through -- in fact she even said I was lying about the pedophile risk!

(who in their right mind would even want to take the risk?!!!!) -- or encourage

me for my ability to overcome my problems. Worse she waited until we were

finally well settled and had established a peaceful and healthy balance/routine

to launch her all out destruction. The more we were thriving, the more needy and

devastating she became.

So, I found myself forced to leave and to start over AGAIN at 40 (only because I

asked for help for the first time in my life -- something my, underachieving

siblings had been getting since forever).

I went NC for 5 years after that during which I felt like I was burying my own

mother alive. There was a sense that, that feeling of burying my mother alive,

was scaring me as much as having attempted to be close to her. It felt like a

no win situation because I new I'd be dammed if I reconnected but there was

something just as damming about having to stay away.

On the one hand, I longed for her like I longed for her every time something

beautiful happened and morned not being able to share it with her. I would have

liked to share how I decorated my house; when I'd see a women taking her elderly

mother for coffe or window shopping, I'd morn not being ale to do that with

mine. Of course, every dance, music and theater recital or birthday party my

kids had, my son's high school graduation were bitter sweet, to me, for her

absence.

As for hospital stays, the void I felt from her absence when I delivered my kids

has now been replaced with an ambivalence about wanting her help and fearing

what she might do to hurt me while I'm that vulnerable in a medical setting.

I'm afraid she'd have a hard time refraining from messing with the equipment and

I'm sure she'd have a lot to say about how I got myself into such a medical mess

(though it's all stress related as a consequence of HER behavior!).

On the other hand, as some other posts suggested:

1) I too feel like I have become an expert at spotting BPD patterns -- I can see

it coming miles away while others (from more normal families) will never know

what even hit them when BPD crosses their path;

2) and there is soooo much BS I no longer put up with.

On occasion, when someone pushes me around too much I've even found myself

saying to myself " be ware of a women who has had to burry her mother alive " as

if to threaten them.

NC has changed me. It's like something in me is broken -- hopefully it's just

innocence.

I couldn't understand my mother's arbitrary parenting when I was a young child;

I couldn't relate to it when I became a mother;

I still don't relate to it now that I am the mother of young adults because

though they are independent my presence in their lives is still important.

She was abandoned a number of times as a child, she repeatedly abandoned me

throughout my life but at one point I made peace with how my life and career

have gone as a result. I simply deciding that if I achieved nothing else in my

life, I'll at least stop the cycle of abuse and negligence that has run in my

family.

Meanwhile, while my brother abandoned his wife and daughter and my sister (who

is clearly BPD) and into her 4th marriage, is dragging her two young sons

through never ending cycles of custody battles, and " babysitting " little girls

away from home " because she wanted a girl! " . Both are alcoholics and constantly

pumping my mother for money (a symbiosis she of course enjoyes) -- I don't think

they'll ever grow up.

Moral of the story, I certainly did not leave happily, though there was some

relief associated with leaving, and it was difficult to do in every way I can

think of, every time, in spite of it all.

However, sometimes, leaving is the only wise thing to do for yourself and for

those you love.

I lived in dorms, off campus and in a language house on campus during college.

But at one point I felt the need to be in a family settingI and worked as an au

pair for a while where I was an integral helping part of the family. Then I

made it a point to take up a room in families that had an extra room to rent

while I was in grad school. Of course, I was very busy, so it's not like I

spent a lot of time with these people but It was nice/soothing to me to be in a

healthy family environment.

I found that planing my leaving, incorporating elements I knew would be soothing

to me was very helpful. The alternative of slamming the door would have left me

too vulnerable to succeed.

Take good care fo yourself,

C.

>

> Hi everyone,

>

> so I am trying to figure out a plan to leave my bpd mother. I'm 28 and I still

live with her. My dad died and a whole bunch of other stuff happened and so I

just ended up staying with her. Now I feel trapped. And sometimes she's violent.

I want to leave her but I feel like I really can't.

>

> How did you all manage to leave?

>

[Guest guest]

It is really hard to leave a mom, even if she is a Nada. We are biologically

hardwired to want and need our mothers, so there's no way around the pain around

this, it just stinks.

I liken it to having a gangrenous limb- it can't be saved, and it hurts while

it's still attached. If you don't chop it off, the infection will consume the

rest of your body. But if you do chop it off, you know there will be new pain

associated with severing the limb.

I know there are members here who derive benefit from their Nada or Fada and so

for them it makes sense to maintain limited contact, but for me my relationship

with Nada was all either neutral or negative. I have not a single positive

memory of Nada. So while rationally NC was an easy choice (as is severing the

gangrenous limb) it doesn't make it any easier to actualize.

It hurts. The flying monkeys come out to try to convince you you are bad for

cutting contact with Nada. It is awful but stay strong, and in the end at least

you have peace, and no one can get past your boundaries to invalidate you.

I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I know what it's like. A year and a

half ago I cut contact with my Nada, Nada's BPD sisters and Grandnada, and

uBPDx. My life was filled with BPs.

It has been a hard path to cut them out but I'm starting to feel safer and more

worthy now. I can survive without all of them, much to their chagrin and my

surprise.

It can feel really low though. I've gotten a lot of help from reading the BPD

books, using this board, individual therapy, and meditation. To get the most out

of your NC you will need time for self-care and reflection.

Good luck. It is a hard journey but now that I'm on it I can't think of why I

waited so long to start. It only gets harder and more painful with time so the

sooner you chop the gangrenous limb (if that is what you have) the less long

term suffering you incur.

>

> Hi everyone,

>

> so I am trying to figure out a plan to leave my bpd mother. I'm 28 and I still

live with her. My dad died and a whole bunch of other stuff happened and so I

just ended up staying with her. Now I feel trapped. And sometimes she's violent.

I want to leave her but I feel like I really can't.

>

> How did you all manage to leave?

>

[Guest guest]

Wow. I appreciate your post and all you went through and have battled all these

years but this section hit me the hardest. It's where I am right now. Being

around nada was like a slow death, taking in bits of poison every day I was

there. But now that she's cut us out of her life (convinced we've been lying and

stealing from her for years) I feel some weird kind of guilt. Not because we've

done anything wrong and we didn't reject her; she's rejected us. But at her age,

84, and knowing she needs help daily to get things done, it does feel like

" burying my own mother alive " as you've said. Life with a BPD is so ugly.

>

> I went NC for 5 years after that during which I felt like I was burying my own

mother alive. There was a sense that, that feeling of burying my mother alive,

was scaring me as much as having attempted to be close to her. It felt like a

no win situation because I new I'd be dammed if I reconnected but there was

something just as damming about having to stay away.

>

[Guest guest]

My story is similar - I knew at a very young age I wanted to leave. I was in 2nd

grade, so..o maybe 6 or 7 years old when I knew I wanted to move away from home.

I told my sister I wish I could live in the woods or just die. I also chose to

go to boarding school at age 16, and any time I visited home for a holiday, it

was a complete nightmare, so I learned the hard way, after numerous traumatic

visits, that I must stay away from home as much as possible. I went to college

2000 miles away, and even during brief visits home, Nada was so frightening to

me, I would have a friend take me to their house, or I would go to a boyfriend's

house, anything to keep visits under 48-hours (that's the longest period Nada

can go without switching into witch mode. I like to call it The Demon... she

literally has a black aura when it happens and her eyes look dead during these

episodes). There were a few occasions I sought shelter with FADA (they are

divorced) and on those occasions, I learned that he too is just as dangerous as

NADA. Very scary. I even stayed in horrible cheap hotels in major cities when I

was young and needed to work up the ladder and get on my own two feet. I'm

approaching late twenties now and I'm relieved to be %100 fully independent,

living in a different city. I would never, ever, ever let myself live in the

same state that Nada lives in. It's just asking for more trauma and

boundary-breaking.

> >

> > Hi everyone,

> >

> > so I am trying to figure out a plan to leave my bpd mother. I'm 28 and I

still live with her. My dad died and a whole bunch of other stuff happened and

so I just ended up staying with her. Now I feel trapped. And sometimes she's

violent. I want to leave her but I feel like I really can't.

> >

> > How did you all manage to leave?

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Wow, mdg,

" a severed gangrenous limb " is such a brilliant analogy!

You totally get what I mean!

Thank you for sharing such a fitting image.

C.

> >

> > Hi everyone,

> >

> > so I am trying to figure out a plan to leave my bpd mother. I'm 28 and I

still live with her. My dad died and a whole bunch of other stuff happened and

so I just ended up staying with her. Now I feel trapped. And sometimes she's

violent. I want to leave her but I feel like I really can't.

> >

> > How did you all manage to leave?

> >

>