Preparing for Christmas with NC to Nada

[Guest guest]

I was out tonight with my Russian girlfriend for dinner. She speaks of her

father with such distain and how he has been so mean and controlling since

he has come to Canada and insisted he will live with them and how he is so

controlling. I have another friend who is Mandarin; he speaks of his father

with similar distain at how he controls their aged mother and has been so

mean and selfish to the family for years. I have a co-worker who speaks of

his uncle who beat him with a 2x4 piece of wood as a child in the Filipines

and on-going control issues since then. I have a sweet elderly lady friend

from England that tells horror stories of her abuse by her mother, father

and 2 sisters from years ago. and on the stories go. In all cases, the

individual displayed extreme selfishness for most of their years. These are

just people I know and I am doubtful they have even considered their FOO

member has any condition. Most of the above continue to accept the abuse

and feel guilt.

I do not feel alone now with my plight of my undiagnosed BPD mother, but

feel even sadder that so many of our parents and members of our FOO have

been so cruel to us. It would seem the numbers are even higher than 4% of

BPD, I do not know, I am just commenting.

Since I found out about Mom last year and all the antics still going on. (I

am still NC now for 6 weeks) I see it has eroded some of my own family's

faith in the world. There is enough garbage to listen to in the News and on

the street every day. I can see and feel the edginess that was not displayed

like this prior, in my kids and DH.

My own DH found out almost 2 yrs. ago now, that his only (older brother got

their mom to sign a re-distributed Will before she died leaving my DH out of

much of the inheritance. MIL gave us her copy of her WILL before she entered

long term care in 2003 when she was in fair condition, stating for years

that anything she had was always to be distributed 50-50 to her sons. We

live hundreds of miles away and were constantly emailed about how much they

(DH bros and SIL) were always doing for their Mom, giving us a hard time

that we lived out here. We were never notified that any Will had changed

and visited back home with DH's brother and SIL for 9 years while MIL was in

the care home facility, not knowing that DH was by cheated his only brother

and who sat with us laughing and smiling...until DH's Mom passed and the

Will was read. They are NC permanently now.

I am finding it hard not to lose faith in humans.and I am thankful I have

faith in something bigger than me. With all this lead up to NC with my own

NADA, it has seriously jolted my trust more than ever in being more cautious

who I let into my life. This is necessary for me to survive.

I am glad I have had over a year to FACE that something was not right with

Mom for a sometime, but this is the first time I have resisted supplying her

selfish needs and keeping energy for my family and myself. It is a good

thing I finally got it. How far it will go I have no idea. I am sleeping

better and not ruminating as long or often but I do have intense crying

spells and yearning for someone very important (mother) I do not think I

EVER truly had. I held onto a CONCEPT..I did not want to (subconsciously)

see the reality of the PERSON.

Christmas will be a challenge as I never missed one of them without sending

gifts and card to Mom. She has not bothered to directly contact. As I said

she will not chase me. Mom is elderly (but in good health and independent

high functioning).

My sons are young adults now but are seriously shaken by my mother's (their

gramma's) behavior and my choice to go NC. They do though, support me.

Wishing all fellow suffers the best as we all make our way through

pre-Christmas dealing with FOO and FOG. Not a fun reality to embrace.

Twyla

I

[Guest guest]

Twyla,

I really feel your pain here. Sorry you have to go through this. I think

" good " people are in the minority. Maybe it's just the area I'm in.

> **

>

>

> I was out tonight with my Russian girlfriend for dinner. She speaks of her

> father with such distain and how he has been so mean and controlling since

> he has come to Canada and insisted he will live with them and how he is so

> controlling. I have another friend who is Mandarin; he speaks of his father

> with similar distain at how he controls their aged mother and has been so

> mean and selfish to the family for years. I have a co-worker who speaks of

> his uncle who beat him with a 2x4 piece of wood as a child in the Filipines

> and on-going control issues since then. I have a sweet elderly lady friend

> from England that tells horror stories of her abuse by her mother, father

> and 2 sisters from years ago. and on the stories go. In all cases, the

> individual displayed extreme selfishness for most of their years. These are

> just people I know and I am doubtful they have even considered their FOO

> member has any condition. Most of the above continue to accept the abuse

> and feel guilt.

>

> I do not feel alone now with my plight of my undiagnosed BPD mother, but

> feel even sadder that so many of our parents and members of our FOO have

> been so cruel to us. It would seem the numbers are even higher than 4% of

> BPD, I do not know, I am just commenting.

>

> Since I found out about Mom last year and all the antics still going on. (I

> am still NC now for 6 weeks) I see it has eroded some of my own family's

> faith in the world. There is enough garbage to listen to in the News and on

> the street every day. I can see and feel the edginess that was not

> displayed

> like this prior, in my kids and DH.

>

> My own DH found out almost 2 yrs. ago now, that his only (older brother got

> their mom to sign a re-distributed Will before she died leaving my DH out

> of

> much of the inheritance. MIL gave us her copy of her WILL before she

> entered

> long term care in 2003 when she was in fair condition, stating for years

> that anything she had was always to be distributed 50-50 to her sons. We

> live hundreds of miles away and were constantly emailed about how much they

> (DH bros and SIL) were always doing for their Mom, giving us a hard time

> that we lived out here. We were never notified that any Will had changed

> and visited back home with DH's brother and SIL for 9 years while MIL was

> in

> the care home facility, not knowing that DH was by cheated his only brother

> and who sat with us laughing and smiling...until DH's Mom passed and the

> Will was read. They are NC permanently now.

>

> I am finding it hard not to lose faith in humans.and I am thankful I have

> faith in something bigger than me. With all this lead up to NC with my own

> NADA, it has seriously jolted my trust more than ever in being more

> cautious

> who I let into my life. This is necessary for me to survive.

>

> I am glad I have had over a year to FACE that something was not right with

> Mom for a sometime, but this is the first time I have resisted supplying

> her

> selfish needs and keeping energy for my family and myself. It is a good

> thing I finally got it. How far it will go I have no idea. I am sleeping

> better and not ruminating as long or often but I do have intense crying

> spells and yearning for someone very important (mother) I do not think I

> EVER truly had. I held onto a CONCEPT..I did not want to (subconsciously)

> see the reality of the PERSON.

>

> Christmas will be a challenge as I never missed one of them without sending

> gifts and card to Mom. She has not bothered to directly contact. As I said

> she will not chase me. Mom is elderly (but in good health and independent

> high functioning).

>

> My sons are young adults now but are seriously shaken by my mother's (their

> gramma's) behavior and my choice to go NC. They do though, support me.

>

> Wishing all fellow suffers the best as we all make our way through

> pre-Christmas dealing with FOO and FOG. Not a fun reality to embrace.

>

> Twyla

>

> I

>

>