Guest guest Posted December 8, 2012 Report Share Posted December 8, 2012 HI everyone, I was wondering if any of you have BPD parents who were not necessarily suicidal, or did self-harming behaviors? I'm not really sure about my mom. I know when my dad died she became very suicidal. I'm also afraid that if I leave her she will become suicidal. She doesn't really do anything like physically hurt herself, but she does do reckless things to put herself in danger. She'll start arguments with people she doesn't know and they'll get really heated, she drinks practically every single night to the point of being drunk, she's driven drunk, she's gotten a DUI, she was arrested for terrorist threats, etc. So, I don't know. This is a topic I'd like to discuss though just to see what everyone else has dealt with re: self-harming behaviors in our BPD relatives. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 9, 2012 Report Share Posted December 9, 2012 My bpd/npd mother for most of my life rarely displayed self-harming behaviors or suicidal behaviors. On a couple of occasions, I thought nada was going to kill us both as a kind of inadvertent consequence of driving while having a screaming rage-tantrum at me. It was only very late in my nada's life when her other bpd behaviors became even more intense and frequent and she began displaying some of the symptoms of dementia, that she started talking about buying a gun and killing herself. Its hard to process this, but you are not responsible for your mother's feelings or her behaviors, she is. And you can't let your mother's threats of suicide hold you hostage; that's just pure emotional blackmail. If your mother starts engaging in suicide threats or suicide attempts (for whatever reason) then, she needs a psychiatric intervention (hold and evaluation) by a psychiatrist who doesn't know her personally. No psychologist or psychiatrist treats their own family members as patients because there would be too much emotional involvement; a patient needs a therapist who is able to maintain a certain level of detachment and objectivity. I hope that helps. -Annie > > HI everyone, > > I was wondering if any of you have BPD parents who were not necessarily suicidal, or did self-harming behaviors? I'm not really sure about my mom. I know when my dad died she became very suicidal. I'm also afraid that if I leave her she will become suicidal. > > She doesn't really do anything like physically hurt herself, but she does do reckless things to put herself in danger. She'll start arguments with people she doesn't know and they'll get really heated, she drinks practically every single night to the point of being drunk, she's driven drunk, she's gotten a DUI, she was arrested for terrorist threats, etc. > > So, I don't know. This is a topic I'd like to discuss though just to see what everyone else has dealt with re: self-harming behaviors in our BPD relatives. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 9, 2012 Report Share Posted December 9, 2012 Hi Olivia, My BP mother tried to kill herself earlier this year by jumping of a first story balcony. It was more as a way of blackmail for me to try to get me to chose between her or my husband. It was more of a spur of the moment thing and it appeared like she completely lost herself in the moment of emotional high. She didn't really want to kill herself, she just threatened to do so in order for me to chose her, so when she jumped, she even surprised herself. I find that when BPs get very worked up about something, they lost control not only of their emotions but also of their actions. Frequently, they threaten you with things like suicide but don't actually mean to carry it out. However, take my advice, I would not put anything passed them because as soon as they lose control over themselves in the heat of the moment, anything can happen. Have emergency numbers on hand just in case. Hope this helps, Shan > ** > > > HI everyone, > > I was wondering if any of you have BPD parents who were not necessarily > suicidal, or did self-harming behaviors? I'm not really sure about my mom. > I know when my dad died she became very suicidal. I'm also afraid that if I > leave her she will become suicidal. > > She doesn't really do anything like physically hurt herself, but she does > do reckless things to put herself in danger. She'll start arguments with > people she doesn't know and they'll get really heated, she drinks > practically every single night to the point of being drunk, she's driven > drunk, she's gotten a DUI, she was arrested for terrorist threats, etc. > > So, I don't know. This is a topic I'd like to discuss though just to see > what everyone else has dealt with re: self-harming behaviors in our BPD > relatives. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 9, 2012 Report Share Posted December 9, 2012 Hello Olivia, My nada also struggled with alcohol, admit other addictions. Every night she would pour herself a tumbler full of wine, " sneak " into the bathroom off the kitchen, and gulp it down. As time progressed, a single tall glass was " not enough " and she would have 4 to six every night. Multiple auto accidents and a diagnosis of liver disease did nothing to slow her down. If fact she seemed to delight in a new victim role declaring, " My doctor's tell me I have hepatitis and that one day it will kill me! " That she announced this while pouring drinks only served to increase my dismay with her. As the night progressed, she would either grow enraged/violent or depressed/waif-like. Her depressed rants often included threats of suicide. They were less about harming herself and more about making those around her feel discomfort or pity. Her favor included a dramatic jump into the ocean, " I'm going to jump off the Golden Gate Bridge on a foggy night when the police won't be able to see me climb over the railing. I'll be floating in the water for days before they find my body, DAYS! No one will be able to recognize my body but you'll know it's me. I'm going to wear this ring, this one, " she'd shout as she pushed a small amethyst ring I wore until she demanded that I give it to her to prove I love her, " and when you see it you'll know that I love you even though you never loved me! I'll haunt you when I'm gone! " Mother's words proved to be prophetic. Cirrhosis of the liver eventually lead to seizures. A fall during one of these seizures lead to her death. She was still wearing the ring over 20 years later. The fact that I was left to claim her body, deal with being disowned, and deal with the probate, public administrators, and FOO who demand items form her estate does make me feel haunted by a woman who was already " dead inside " many years ago. Beth Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 9, 2012 Report Share Posted December 9, 2012 Wow Beth. Just wow. I'm so sorry you had to go through all of that. For me, I feel very guilty when she gets very depressed or angry from drinking. She drinks every single night now. Sigh. I know this is sooooooooooo horrible to say. I mean REALLY horrible, but...honestly...I sometimes have prayed that she would die. I don't mean it in a vindictive way, but honestly I do pray that sometimes because I just get so overwhelmed and she becomes so violent and mean...she seems so miserable being alive. It's so awful to say that though. Ultimately I would want her to be better but she doesn't see what she's doing to anyone else. She thinks everyone just abandons her. Anyway, there's my confession, I guess. > > Hello Olivia, > > My nada also struggled with alcohol, admit other addictions. Every night she would pour herself a tumbler full of wine, " sneak " into the bathroom off the kitchen, and gulp it down. As time progressed, a single tall glass was " not enough " and she would have 4 to six every night. Multiple auto accidents and a diagnosis of liver disease did nothing to slow her down. If fact she seemed to delight in a new victim role declaring, " My doctor's tell me I have hepatitis and that one day it will kill me! " That she announced this while pouring drinks only served to increase my dismay with her. > > As the night progressed, she would either grow enraged/violent or depressed/waif-like. Her depressed rants often included threats of suicide. They were less about harming herself and more about making those around her feel discomfort or pity. Her favor included a dramatic jump into the ocean, " I'm going to jump off the Golden Gate Bridge on a foggy night when the police won't be able to see me climb over the railing. I'll be floating in the water for days before they find my body, DAYS! No one will be able to recognize my body but you'll know it's me. I'm going to wear this ring, this one, " she'd shout as she pushed a small amethyst ring I wore until she demanded that I give it to her to prove I love her, " and when you see it you'll know that I love you even though you never loved me! I'll haunt you when I'm gone! " > > Mother's words proved to be prophetic. Cirrhosis of the liver eventually lead to seizures. A fall during one of these seizures lead to her death. She was still wearing the ring over 20 years later. The fact that I was left to claim her body, deal with being disowned, and deal with the probate, public administrators, and FOO who demand items form her estate does make me feel haunted by a woman who was already " dead inside " many years ago. > > Beth > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 9, 2012 Report Share Posted December 9, 2012 Thank you for sharing that.and don't feel bad.I have had the exact same thought for years. It's not that I really hate her, I do love her, or that I wish her any suffering, it's just that she can't be happy, seems to hate life and almost everyone in it. I have always had the underlying feeling that the day she dies I will have this incredible crushing weight lifted off my heart. N _____ From: WTOAdultChildren1 [mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 ] On Behalf Of oliviallamb Sent: December-09-12 3:03 PM To: WTOAdultChildren1 Subject: Re: Suicidality in BPD Wow Beth. Just wow. I'm so sorry you had to go through all of that. For me, I feel very guilty when she gets very depressed or angry from drinking. She drinks every single night now. Sigh. I know this is sooooooooooo horrible to say. I mean REALLY horrible, but...honestly...I sometimes have prayed that she would die. I don't mean it in a vindictive way, but honestly I do pray that sometimes because I just get so overwhelmed and she becomes so violent and mean...she seems so miserable being alive. It's so awful to say that though. Ultimately I would want her to be better but she doesn't see what she's doing to anyone else. She thinks everyone just abandons her. Anyway, there's my confession, I guess. > > Hello Olivia, > > My nada also struggled with alcohol, admit other addictions. Every night she would pour herself a tumbler full of wine, " sneak " into the bathroom off the kitchen, and gulp it down. As time progressed, a single tall glass was " not enough " and she would have 4 to six every night. Multiple auto accidents and a diagnosis of liver disease did nothing to slow her down. If fact she seemed to delight in a new victim role declaring, " My doctor's tell me I have hepatitis and that one day it will kill me! " That she announced this while pouring drinks only served to increase my dismay with her. > > As the night progressed, she would either grow enraged/violent or depressed/waif-like. Her depressed rants often included threats of suicide. They were less about harming herself and more about making those around her feel discomfort or pity. Her favor included a dramatic jump into the ocean, " I'm going to jump off the Golden Gate Bridge on a foggy night when the police won't be able to see me climb over the railing. I'll be floating in the water for days before they find my body, DAYS! No one will be able to recognize my body but you'll know it's me. I'm going to wear this ring, this one, " she'd shout as she pushed a small amethyst ring I wore until she demanded that I give it to her to prove I love her, " and when you see it you'll know that I love you even though you never loved me! I'll haunt you when I'm gone! " > > Mother's words proved to be prophetic. Cirrhosis of the liver eventually lead to seizures. A fall during one of these seizures lead to her death. She was still wearing the ring over 20 years later. The fact that I was left to claim her body, deal with being disowned, and deal with the probate, public administrators, and FOO who demand items form her estate does make me feel haunted by a woman who was already " dead inside " many years ago. > > Beth > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 9, 2012 Report Share Posted December 9, 2012 OMG, what a horriffic story. Horriffic. I'm speechless and so sorry she put you through this during and after her life. These people.... I have no words. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 9, 2012 Report Share Posted December 9, 2012 Please Olivia, you've no reason place such a heavy burden of guilt upon your shoulders. We are only as sick as our secrets and you have just released yours in a very safe and accepting place. MANY children of abuse ish their abuser to die or " disappear foreveer. " It is NORMAL to want the pain and torment to stop. When we are powerless to make it stop ourselves, fantasies of rescue or Divine intervention (including the death of the abuser) are very common. Humans are simply wired that way. You are not a bad daughter. BPD is a strong mental illness. Reasoning with a BPD parent is impossible. They have been blinded to reality by a disease that is robbing them of the chance of a happy and fulfilling life. Peace be with you. May light and joy fill your days, MB Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 9, 2012 Report Share Posted December 9, 2012 I agree with so much of the responses to your post. It only sounds dissonant when we say we don't hate people who are so chronically awful to us but this is a fact we share with abused children of all kinds -- we love our abusive mothers no matter what though we hate their behavior. We can compassionately distinguishing the mentally ill BPD person from their truly and profoundly hateful actions. Loving them on some level does not however obligate us to put up with and enable their continued abuse. How can we love anyone else if we can't love ourselves enough to protect ourselves from abuse. You owe it to yourself and those you love to protect yourself and that requires calling hateful abuse for what it is - no guilt on your part necessary -- it's the loving thing to do. C. > > HI everyone, > > I was wondering if any of you have BPD parents who were not necessarily suicidal, or did self-harming behaviors? I'm not really sure about my mom. I know when my dad died she became very suicidal. I'm also afraid that if I leave her she will become suicidal. > > She doesn't really do anything like physically hurt herself, but she does do reckless things to put herself in danger. She'll start arguments with people she doesn't know and they'll get really heated, she drinks practically every single night to the point of being drunk, she's driven drunk, she's gotten a DUI, she was arrested for terrorist threats, etc. > > So, I don't know. This is a topic I'd like to discuss though just to see what everyone else has dealt with re: self-harming behaviors in our BPD relatives. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 9, 2012 Report Share Posted December 9, 2012 If it's confession time then I'm right behind you in line. I've never wished for my nada to suffer in any way. That's why I would run over to help her when she was afraid on the 4th of July or would take her to ER over and over again. But like you, there have been times I'd just pray that she would go to sleep and not wake up. Her life and attitude is so miserable, how can anyone live like that? And yes, there's a bit of selfishness in it too in that I know I would no longer have to be on the receiving end of her attacks and toxic behavior. Still, I can't help but think she would be more at peace just being gone. > > Wow Beth. Just wow. I'm so sorry you had to go through all of that. > > For me, I feel very guilty when she gets very depressed or angry from drinking. She drinks every single night now. Sigh. > > I know this is sooooooooooo horrible to say. I mean REALLY horrible, but...honestly...I sometimes have prayed that she would die. I don't mean it in a vindictive way, but honestly I do pray that sometimes because I just get so overwhelmed and she becomes so violent and mean...she seems so miserable being alive. > > It's so awful to say that though. Ultimately I would want her to be better but she doesn't see what she's doing to anyone else. She thinks everyone just abandons her. > > Anyway, there's my confession, I guess. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 9, 2012 Report Share Posted December 9, 2012 I agree; when a person is subjected to chronic painful abuse, like physical torture or emotional torture, its only human to wish for the pain to stop. My Sister admitted to me that she began to wish that our nada would die, and I had to admit to her that I felt the same way. But I agree that thinking " Please, somebody; please, God, make the pain stop " is not evil, its just human. I noticed that after I went totally No Contact with my nada, I didn't feel that way about her so much any more, I guess because *I* had made the pain stop. I wasn't making myself available for more abuse; it felt empowering. -Annie > > Please Olivia, you've no reason place such a heavy burden of guilt upon your shoulders. We are only as sick as our secrets and you have just released yours in a very safe and accepting place. > > MANY children of abuse ish their abuser to die or " disappear foreveer. " It is NORMAL to want the pain and torment to stop. When we are powerless to make it stop ourselves, fantasies of rescue or Divine intervention (including the death of the abuser) are very common. Humans are simply wired that way. You are not a bad daughter. > > BPD is a strong mental illness. Reasoning with a BPD parent is impossible. They have been blinded to reality by a disease that is robbing them of the chance of a happy and fulfilling life. > > Peace be with you. May light and joy fill your days, > > MB > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 9, 2012 Report Share Posted December 9, 2012 Haha, it's ALWAYS confession time for me LOL. It is selfish, really, on my part. I just wish I were more patient. I'm developing it though, now that I realize it's not me. I have a lot of guilt though because she made me and my brother participate (well she brainwashed us into believing it was acceptable...or we don't know any better since we were living in a horrible environment and being abused ourselves) to be abusive to our younger stepbrother. Truth be told, all of us kids were abused, but I feel so utterly ashamed at my behavior back then. I hate her for convincing us to do that stuff. She was our mother! What is wrong with her? > > > > Wow Beth. Just wow. I'm so sorry you had to go through all of that. > > > > For me, I feel very guilty when she gets very depressed or angry from drinking. She drinks every single night now. Sigh. > > > > I know this is sooooooooooo horrible to say. I mean REALLY horrible, but...honestly...I sometimes have prayed that she would die. I don't mean it in a vindictive way, but honestly I do pray that sometimes because I just get so overwhelmed and she becomes so violent and mean...she seems so miserable being alive. > > > > It's so awful to say that though. Ultimately I would want her to be better but she doesn't see what she's doing to anyone else. She thinks everyone just abandons her. > > > > Anyway, there's my confession, I guess. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 9, 2012 Report Share Posted December 9, 2012 My nada's favorite line was " I hope you find my body in the river " when she'd storm out of my house after a rage of hers. Scary how very alike they all are... Darcy > > Hello Olivia, > > My nada also struggled with alcohol, admit other addictions. Every night she would pour herself a tumbler full of wine, " sneak " into the bathroom off the kitchen, and gulp it down. As time progressed, a single tall glass was " not enough " and she would have 4 to six every night. Multiple auto accidents and a diagnosis of liver disease did nothing to slow her down. If fact she seemed to delight in a new victim role declaring, " My doctor's tell me I have hepatitis and that one day it will kill me! " That she announced this while pouring drinks only served to increase my dismay with her. > > As the night progressed, she would either grow enraged/violent or depressed/waif-like. Her depressed rants often included threats of suicide. They were less about harming herself and more about making those around her feel discomfort or pity. Her favor included a dramatic jump into the ocean, " I'm going to jump off the Golden Gate Bridge on a foggy night when the police won't be able to see me climb over the railing. I'll be floating in the water for days before they find my body, DAYS! No one will be able to recognize my body but you'll know it's me. I'm going to wear this ring, this one, " she'd shout as she pushed a small amethyst ring I wore until she demanded that I give it to her to prove I love her, " and when you see it you'll know that I love you even though you never loved me! I'll haunt you when I'm gone! " > > Mother's words proved to be prophetic. Cirrhosis of the liver eventually lead to seizures. A fall during one of these seizures lead to her death. She was still wearing the ring over 20 years later. The fact that I was left to claim her body, deal with being disowned, and deal with the probate, public administrators, and FOO who demand items form her estate does make me feel haunted by a woman who was already " dead inside " many years ago. > > Beth > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 10, 2012 Report Share Posted December 10, 2012 Annie: Thanks for sharing that thought. I was wondering why I used to have such negative feelings for nada, and lately I just don't care. You're right, when you emotionally pack out, you stop caring about nadas nuttiness. > > > > Please Olivia, you've no reason place such a heavy burden of guilt upon your shoulders. We are only as sick as our secrets and you have just released yours in a very safe and accepting place. > > > > MANY children of abuse ish their abuser to die or " disappear foreveer. " It is NORMAL to want the pain and torment to stop. When we are powerless to make it stop ourselves, fantasies of rescue or Divine intervention (including the death of the abuser) are very common. Humans are simply wired that way. You are not a bad daughter. > > > > BPD is a strong mental illness. Reasoning with a BPD parent is impossible. They have been blinded to reality by a disease that is robbing them of the chance of a happy and fulfilling life. > > > > Peace be with you. May light and joy fill your days, > > > > MB > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 11, 2012 Report Share Posted December 11, 2012 My Nada s first suicical manipulations began when I was 14. She and Dad were seperated and enroute to a very ugly divorce. So for the first half of my 9th grade year, every day when I got home from school, I d find her lying on the floor passed out from hysterical crying. She would promptly get up and start again, crying screaming and insisting that I profess my undying love for her! At some point she would shriek and make a beeline for the kitchen, where she would either grab a knife I had to wrestle from her, or pour out a bottle of " nerve pills " in her hand. We played this little drama day after day. One day, she cried herself to passing out, then woke as I was calling an ambulance to beg me to tell them she was fine because her mother would have her committed. Always wondered why she didnt just take the phone and tell them she was fine! She was the adult. For decades after she would use suicidal ideations for manipulation. " I d be better off dead. My life is just not worth living. I wish to God I d never been born. " ect. One day, she tried that in her Dr s office. He called her bluff, and got a psychiatrist on the phone and insisted on a 24 hour hold in a hospital, or he would sign committment papers. Oh, she was furious at both Drs! Talked about what SOB s they were the rest of her life. But never again used a suicidal ideation. Doug > > HI everyone, > > I was wondering if any of you have BPD parents who were not necessarily suicidal, or did self-harming behaviors? I'm not really sure about my mom. I know when my dad died she became very suicidal. I'm also afraid that if I leave her she will become suicidal. > > She doesn't really do anything like physically hurt herself, but she does do reckless things to put herself in danger. She'll start arguments with people she doesn't know and they'll get really heated, she drinks practically every single night to the point of being drunk, she's driven drunk, she's gotten a DUI, she was arrested for terrorist threats, etc. > > So, I don't know. This is a topic I'd like to discuss though just to see what everyone else has dealt with re: self-harming behaviors in our BPD relatives. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 11, 2012 Report Share Posted December 11, 2012 Holy Heck Doug! I thought my mother was the Drama Queen beyound compare but you're takes the cake! For what it's worth, form another KO that didn't have the chance to have normal teen years, I'm sorry that you missed out on what those years should have held. Here's to enjoying the present and future! MB Re: Suicidality in BPD My Nada s first suicical manipulations began when I was 14. She and Dad Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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