The proverbial SH*T hit the fan big time yesterday...

December 9, 2012

I just moved my mom into another apartment that was more affordable, that she

did NOT want to move to. That has made my life hell, along with her recent

cancer diagnosis and impending Dementia diagnosis. She has a " hoarder "

mentality, and never wants to part with anything. My husband, our 21 year old

son and my mother in law was helping me yesterday at her new apartment to try

and get unpacked and settled. I was trying to tell mom her sofa table will not

fit anywhere and would she consider giving it to Goodwill. She started in on me

in front of everybody and I don't even remember who spoke up first,

(husband) or Jake (son), but they both basically told her to stop treating me so

bad. Jake continued, telling her how I've done nothing but try to make sure

she's happy and comfortable but she just treats me like crap all the time and I

come home crying because of it and that I don't like to come to her house

anymore because of how she treats me. It got REALLY ugly as you can imagine.

>

> After MUCH hysterics from mom, all fairly calmed down after a while and we

continued with the task at hand. After , Jake and Carol left, though, you

know she started back up, telling me I should tell her when she's upsetting me

so she'll know to stop. I told her I do tell her all the time but she always

blows it off saying she's just joking. If I don't know she loves me then there's

something wrong, on and on. You all are very familiar with the BPD's idea that

their professions of love makes everything okay and WE are the idiots if we

can't see it.

About the incident with the table, she said " you must have went home last night

and told them I was upsetting you because they just came in and started yelling

at me for no reason. " I said " Mom, first I didn't go home last night. I spent

the night with you. and second, all that happened right there in the living

room. They were upset because of how you were yelling at me about the sofa

table. " She said " Yeah, well, you started it up and then gave them a raised

eyebrow or something to let them know to start. " Yes...she really said that.

>

> Obviously a long story in between, but end result she doesn't see that she

treats me so bad.

>

> I gave her several recent examples and how I told her at the time she was

upsetting me but that she just doesn't see it evidently. I told her that they

all see how we interact when we're together, it doesn't take me telling them.

She come back with " I've had people tell me how you're just waiting for me to do

something so I can jump on her. " WHO ELSE DOES SHE TALK TO? She has literally

not had any interaction with other people with me since she's been up here

except for , Jake and 's parents. I take that back. She talks to her

sister on the phone. So I'm sure how that conversation goes is ALL one-sided

because my aunt very rarely sees my mom and I together.

>

> But like I said she doesn't see it, and I told her that's the problem, that

she thinks it's okay to treat me like that. I tell her when she's upsetting me

and either she doesn't see it or she doesn't care.

>

> In any event, what a lovely weekend I've had. I couldn't get mad at Jake or

, they only spoke the truth. They saw me getting upset and mom continuing

and they both jumped in. Maybe the timing was poor due to all the physical

stresses going on, but I've got stress too and they were just trying to protect

me. So of course I spend the rest of the afternoon trying to convince her

everyone loves her but they are tired of seeing me so upset.

You all know the pattern. Here I am concerned with her. Not one time did she

ever own up to it and try to make me feel better. Like my therapist told me " why

do I try and protect her when she doesn't care how she makes me feel? " I can't

get that through my head.

This is the first time my husband or son has ever fussed at her about this

situation. She's never had anyone (other than my obvious weak attempts to defend

myself) put her in her place regarding me. It was HORRIBLE watching her crying

so hard, but the sad thing is it wasn't in remorse. She was playing the victim.

She NEVER admitted she treats me bad. All she did was cry " I wish I was dead. I

have nobody now. I wish I had STAGE 4 cancer instead of Stage 3 so that I would

die in a month " Trying to bring all the attention back on her.

I am glad they stood up for me, but in a way I'm not glad because it's just

going to my life an even bigger hell because now I am having to listen to all

the conspiracy theories against her...

I guess I'd better stop. This is too long and it could just go and on...

As always, thanks for listening...Tori

December 9, 2012

I can relate to your situation so well. I was unable to do that crucial

internal paradigm shift and emotionally detach from my nada, so that the ugly

things she would say to me about me hurt me deeply the way you are hurting, but

my circumstances gave me the ability to go totally No Contact with my nada.

My younger Sister chose earlier in her life to live near our nada so she could

look in on her and be her part-time caregiver when the time came. After our dad

died, my Sister spend nearly 10 years giving our nada a lot of her free time,

helping nada with various chores and visiting nada and taking nada places to

shop and visit friends & relatives, and got verbally abused by our nada for not

giving nada MORE of her time and attention (plus other ugly, false accusations

such as you are experiencing.) My Sister became more and more depressed, to the

point that I was getting pretty alarmed at how " low " she sounded when we'd talk.

I kept urging Sister to not give nada more of her free time, but to CUT BACK

dramatically on how much time she spent with nada; our nada could afford to hire

a part-time caregiver who could drive, and there is a lot of free transportation

and services for seniors where our nada lived.

But for whatever reason, my Sister could not " hear " me, could not let go of the

inappropriate and misplaced guilt nada was loading her up with, until Sister

started seeing a psychologist. Somehow, this compassionate therapist was able

to help my Sister " absolve " herself, or free herself from the FOG.

I'm guessing that my Sister needed an outside " authority figure " (perhaps her

therapist was like a " father figure " to my Sister?) to tell her that it was OK

for her to emotionally detach from our nada.

My Sister's whole attitude changed, she achieved that " paradigm shift " or change

of internal perspective: Sister *no longer took the things our nada said to her

personally.* And although nothing about our nada changed for the better

(actually, nada's mind deteriorated rapidly over the last two years of her life

and, like your nada, ours became blatantly paranoid and delusional and was

unable or unwilling to admit that she was indeed very emotionally abusive) my

Sister's depression lifted noticeably when she was able to take that huge

internal emotional *step back*, away from the ugly things our nada said to her,

stop feeling responsible for our nada's hurt feelings and anger and untrue

accusations, and unburden herself from the misplaced, inappropriate guilt (for

not making our nada happy.)

Sister finally internalized the reality that our nada wasn't a happy person, and

*that nada's unhappiness was not Sister's fault.*

Each person has their own journey through this stuff; its not easy and there is

no one size fits all solution.

I hope you will find something that works for you, to help you protect yourself

from your nada's emotional abuse of you, whether that's the physical protective

shield of No Contact (temporary or permanent) or the protective shield of

emotional detachment.

Vent here whenever you need to.

-Annie

>

> I just moved my mom into another apartment that was more affordable, that she