Guest guest Posted December 9, 2012 Report Share Posted December 9, 2012 I have joined Match.com recently to start feeling out the dating world in my new location. I was contacted by a man who in his first email to me mildly insulted what I was wearing in one of my profile photos. I was somewhat appalled. In an effort to find benign conversation topics to engage Nada (she thinks I hate to talk to her, I just hate that everything I say gets twisted and turned against me). Anyway, I jokingly told her about this exchange with this silly man thinking maybe we could share a laugh or a positive exchange of some kind. Her response? " Well, I can't say because I don't know what you were wearing " REALLY!!!! Not, " geez , what a jerk, steer clear.. " Or " Doesn't sound like he is trying to make a good first impression " Somehow even this gets twisted back at me. I must have been wearing something ugly and it's a good idea to continue this man who wants to date me(?) who is clearly an idiot? This is exactly the mentality I have been trying to fight off since birth. In NPD Nadas mind I one again should take the scraps I can get and be happy with it. Small, silly story but it really sums up for me her attitude toward me (now and from birth). It is no wonder I have spent my entire adult life trying to gain some self esteem. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 9, 2012 Report Share Posted December 9, 2012 , I can certainly relate. In my late teens, the boy I had had a crush on for two years finally asked me out. We went out for a few months before we both realized that there was nothing there. I remember my NADA asking me if I had slept with him (inappropriate nosiness). I told her no. (I was still a virgin at the time.) Her answer? " Well, maybe if you had slept with him, he might have kept you. " As enmeshed as I was with her at the time, I do remember becoming livid and responding, " That has got to be the stupidest thing a mother has ever said to her daughter. " She didn't have a comeback. What infuriated me was the fact that I was expecting her to be so proud of me for having kept my virginity, especially where she knew I had wanted to see this boy for two years. Instead, because I didn't make the choice she would have made, I was supposed to feel that it had been my fault that the relationship failed. Sigh! ~~ > > I have joined Match.com recently to start feeling out the dating world in my > new location. > > > > I was contacted by a man who in his first email to me mildly insulted what I > was wearing in one of my profile photos. I was somewhat appalled. > > In an effort to find benign conversation topics to engage Nada (she thinks I > hate to talk to her, I just hate that everything I say gets twisted and > turned against me). > > Anyway, I jokingly told her about this exchange with this silly man thinking > maybe we could share a laugh or a positive exchange of some kind. > > > > Her response? " Well, I can't say because I don't know what you were wearing " > > > > REALLY!!!! Not, " geez , what a jerk, steer clear.. " Or " Doesn't > sound like he is trying to make a good first impression " > > Somehow even this gets twisted back at me. I must have been wearing > something ugly and it's a good idea to continue this man who wants to date > me(?) who is clearly an idiot? > > This is exactly the mentality I have been trying to fight off since birth. > In NPD Nadas mind I one again should take the scraps I can get and be happy > with it. > > > > Small, silly story but it really sums up for me her attitude toward me (now > and from birth). It is no wonder I have spent my entire adult life trying to > gain some self esteem. > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 9, 2012 Report Share Posted December 9, 2012 holy cow! Nadas are so rude.I have had the same experience so many times. Nada always tried to convince me that a huge number of nasty bullies at school were justified in the way they were treating me. " if you are kind people will be kind to you " " they are too caught up in their own hard lives to notice you, you only imagined it " " you have such achip on your shoulder " (if I had a nickel...) " if you make yourself a better friend.. " always my fault. When I first went to therapy I wanted to to know what it was about me that seemed to bring the worst out of people, and fix it. I was amazed to learn that it was not me at all. I really do think this disordered thinking really does come from a place of self loathing that bp's have.My nada gets very caught up on incidents that happen and imagines that peoples character is fixed by even the smallest things. for instance her only friend in the world who still tries to be around her once told a story of her son being sick, and she heard a somewhat varied version from him and now Nada claims she is a " chronic liar " I guess it is the black and white thinking all over again. one tiny chink in the armor, and a person is the scum of the universe. p.s. the guy sounds like a jerk. Meikjn > > I have joined Match.com recently to start feeling out the dating world in my > new location. > > > > I was contacted by a man who in his first email to me mildly insulted what I > was wearing in one of my profile photos. I was somewhat appalled. > > In an effort to find benign conversation topics to engage Nada (she thinks I > hate to talk to her, I just hate that everything I say gets twisted and > turned against me). > > Anyway, I jokingly told her about this exchange with this silly man thinking > maybe we could share a laugh or a positive exchange of some kind. > > > > Her response? " Well, I can't say because I don't know what you were wearing " > > > > REALLY!!!! Not, " geez , what a jerk, steer clear.. " Or " Doesn't > sound like he is trying to make a good first impression " > > Somehow even this gets twisted back at me. I must have been wearing > something ugly and it's a good idea to continue this man who wants to date > me(?) who is clearly an idiot? > > This is exactly the mentality I have been trying to fight off since birth. > In NPD Nadas mind I one again should take the scraps I can get and be happy > with it. > > > > Small, silly story but it really sums up for me her attitude toward me (now > and from birth). It is no wonder I have spent my entire adult life trying to > gain some self esteem. > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 9, 2012 Report Share Posted December 9, 2012 Yes, I can relate to that behavior/attitude from my nada very well. My nada was rarely on " my side " : rarely empathetic or emotionally supportive. If I shared a problem I was having with her, nada would (like, 95% of the time) say that it must be my fault, somehow. So I finally learned to not share anything with my nada that was close to my heart, because it was highly likely that she'd stomp my heart into the dirt again, somehow. After decades of trying so very hard to make my nada happy and still getting my heart stomped on, I ended up with a very superficial relationship with my nada. When we'd speak on the phone, I'd just let her ramble on about her own self and what was going on with her friends, etc. In an ironic way, it was even funny; I might call nada because I actually had a question to ask her, but nada would launch into a monologue and never even ask me why I called her or what I was going on with me. (And it took me a while to realize that I needed to cut the call short when nada would start in on her indirect " stealth " put-downs of me, sadly. I was still craving her attention and validation, for a very long time.) Once we can accept the reality that our nadas are not capable of empathy or mutual caring, it gets easier to just maintain a superficial relationship with nada; that is, if you want to maintain a relationship with her. -Annie > > I have joined Match.com recently to start feeling out the dating world in my > new location. > > > > I was contacted by a man who in his first email to me mildly insulted what I > was wearing in one of my profile photos. I was somewhat appalled. > > In an effort to find benign conversation topics to engage Nada (she thinks I > hate to talk to her, I just hate that everything I say gets twisted and > turned against me). > > Anyway, I jokingly told her about this exchange with this silly man thinking > maybe we could share a laugh or a positive exchange of some kind. > > > > Her response? " Well, I can't say because I don't know what you were wearing " > > > > REALLY!!!! Not, " geez , what a jerk, steer clear.. " Or " Doesn't > sound like he is trying to make a good first impression " > > Somehow even this gets twisted back at me. I must have been wearing > something ugly and it's a good idea to continue this man who wants to date > me(?) who is clearly an idiot? > > This is exactly the mentality I have been trying to fight off since birth. > In NPD Nadas mind I one again should take the scraps I can get and be happy > with it. > > > > Small, silly story but it really sums up for me her attitude toward me (now > and from birth). It is no wonder I have spent my entire adult life trying to > gain some self esteem. > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 9, 2012 Report Share Posted December 9, 2012 Thanks Annie: Nada has been in full blown narcissistic injury mode for about a week now and I have been trying to find some light conversation to try to snap her out of it (as I have to live here too). She seems to respond after a while if you make light conversation and take a lot of interest in her health and well-being. After about a week she will start coming out of the depression and malaise which always follows the 2 day rage. More and more I see that I can do nothing to improve this. It is what it is. From: WTOAdultChildren1 [mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 ] On Behalf Of anuria67854 Sent: Sunday, December 09, 2012 11:48 AM To: WTOAdultChildren1 Subject: Re: Simple Story Sums it up! Yes, I can relate to that behavior/attitude from my nada very well. My nada was rarely on " my side " : rarely empathetic or emotionally supportive. If I shared a problem I was having with her, nada would (like, 95% of the time) say that it must be my fault, somehow. So I finally learned to not share anything with my nada that was close to my heart, because it was highly likely that she'd stomp my heart into the dirt again, somehow. After decades of trying so very hard to make my nada happy and still getting my heart stomped on, I ended up with a very superficial relationship with my nada. When we'd speak on the phone, I'd just let her ramble on about her own self and what was going on with her friends, etc. In an ironic way, it was even funny; I might call nada because I actually had a question to ask her, but nada would launch into a monologue and never even ask me why I called her or what I was going on with me. (And it took me a while to realize that I needed to cut the call short when nada would start in on her indirect " stealth " put-downs of me, sadly. I was still craving her attention and validation, for a very long time.) Once we can accept the reality that our nadas are not capable of empathy or mutual caring, it gets easier to just maintain a superficial relationship with nada; that is, if you want to maintain a relationship with her. -Annie > > I have joined Match.com recently to start feeling out the dating world in my > new location. > > > > I was contacted by a man who in his first email to me mildly insulted what I > was wearing in one of my profile photos. I was somewhat appalled. > > In an effort to find benign conversation topics to engage Nada (she thinks I > hate to talk to her, I just hate that everything I say gets twisted and > turned against me). > > Anyway, I jokingly told her about this exchange with this silly man thinking > maybe we could share a laugh or a positive exchange of some kind. > > > > Her response? " Well, I can't say because I don't know what you were wearing " > > > > REALLY!!!! Not, " geez , what a jerk, steer clear.. " Or " Doesn't > sound like he is trying to make a good first impression " > > Somehow even this gets twisted back at me. I must have been wearing > something ugly and it's a good idea to continue this man who wants to date > me(?) who is clearly an idiot? > > This is exactly the mentality I have been trying to fight off since birth. > In NPD Nadas mind I one again should take the scraps I can get and be happy > with it. > > > > Small, silly story but it really sums up for me her attitude toward me (now > and from birth). It is no wonder I have spent my entire adult life trying to > gain some self esteem. > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 9, 2012 Report Share Posted December 9, 2012 Thanks Meikjn: I can say that being back with my *disordered* family (nadas siblings have a lot of issues too) is sort of making me feel healthy for the first time in life. Maybe it's been a form of immersion therapy as I am criticized daily and am somehow gaining self esteem, starting to accept myself and letting many of my own *shoulds* fall away. I just had a coffee date with another man and it was probably the easiest date I have ever had. I felt no insecurity around many of things that I have plagued me in the past. He seemed very nice and interested in me too. Wow, a moment of normal in all the chaos of the last 1.5 years. Hallelujah ! From: WTOAdultChildren1 [mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 ] On Behalf Of Meikjn Sent: Sunday, December 09, 2012 11:30 AM To: WTOAdultChildren1 Subject: Re: Simple Story Sums it up! holy cow! Nadas are so rude.I have had the same experience so many times. Nada always tried to convince me that a huge number of nasty bullies at school were justified in the way they were treating me. " if you are kind people will be kind to you " " they are too caught up in their own hard lives to notice you, you only imagined it " " you have such achip on your shoulder " (if I had a nickel...) " if you make yourself a better friend.. " always my fault. When I first went to therapy I wanted to to know what it was about me that seemed to bring the worst out of people, and fix it. I was amazed to learn that it was not me at all. I really do think this disordered thinking really does come from a place of self loathing that bp's have.My nada gets very caught up on incidents that happen and imagines that peoples character is fixed by even the smallest things. for instance her only friend in the world who still tries to be around her once told a story of her son being sick, and she heard a somewhat varied version from him and now Nada claims she is a " chronic liar " I guess it is the black and white thinking all over again. one tiny chink in the armor, and a person is the scum of the universe. p.s. the guy sounds like a jerk. Meikjn > > I have joined Match.com recently to start feeling out the dating world in my > new location. > > > > I was contacted by a man who in his first email to me mildly insulted what I > was wearing in one of my profile photos. I was somewhat appalled. > > In an effort to find benign conversation topics to engage Nada (she thinks I > hate to talk to her, I just hate that everything I say gets twisted and > turned against me). > > Anyway, I jokingly told her about this exchange with this silly man thinking > maybe we could share a laugh or a positive exchange of some kind. > > > > Her response? " Well, I can't say because I don't know what you were wearing " > > > > REALLY!!!! Not, " geez , what a jerk, steer clear.. " Or " Doesn't > sound like he is trying to make a good first impression " > > Somehow even this gets twisted back at me. I must have been wearing > something ugly and it's a good idea to continue this man who wants to date > me(?) who is clearly an idiot? > > This is exactly the mentality I have been trying to fight off since birth. > In NPD Nadas mind I one again should take the scraps I can get and be happy > with it. > > > > Small, silly story but it really sums up for me her attitude toward me (now > and from birth). It is no wonder I have spent my entire adult life trying to > gain some self esteem. > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 9, 2012 Report Share Posted December 9, 2012 Hi : Yes, I found that the Nada thing and boys in general (if you are a girl, which is probably worse for you if you have a Nada) is not a good experience. My nada wanted me to give every tom dick and harry a *chance* no matter how poorly they treated me. I spent years with men that had no emotional availability and paid their way too. I had absolutely NO training as to how to effectively handle dating and subsequently was very bad at it. I had no confidence with men and had no idea how to act around them or how to date effectively. They were mysterious creatures to me that only stuck around if you did all you could do to please and take care of them (which was Nada's tactic) It wasn't until a dear friend who knows very well about men and dating started straightening me out in my late 30s. she was amazed that I could be so effective in business yet such an idiot with men. (she used to watch me on dates from across the restaurant within earshot and then coach me later). I had to learn all over at a late age how to say NO, how to allow a man to treat me like a lady and to even expect it. I didn't even flirt well, I was so afraid of rejecting people (prob cuz nada has treated me like no more than a painful burden since birth) that I could not bear to hurt somebody's feeling with rejection. Therefore I would never flirt unless I was sure I wanted to date them, which is a bad tactic for any single woman. Then when the flirting did begin I too insecure to show my true self. I had a *flirting / dating* version of myself who in retrospect was a bit on the weird side. So sad. So anyway. I am back out there. and doing better at it. My men radar / picker seems to have improved and am feeling more confident in the whole experience. We can heal.. From: WTOAdultChildren1 [mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 ] On Behalf Of makemelaugh@... Sent: Sunday, December 09, 2012 11:05 AM To: WTOAdultChildren1 Subject: Re: Simple Story Sums it up! , I can certainly relate. In my late teens, the boy I had had a crush on for two years finally asked me out. We went out for a few months before we both realized that there was nothing there. I remember my NADA asking me if I had slept with him (inappropriate nosiness). I told her no. (I was still a virgin at the time.) Her answer? " Well, maybe if you had slept with him, he might have kept you. " As enmeshed as I was with her at the time, I do remember becoming livid and responding, " That has got to be the stupidest thing a mother has ever said to her daughter. " She didn't have a comeback. What infuriated me was the fact that I was expecting her to be so proud of me for having kept my virginity, especially where she knew I had wanted to see this boy for two years. Instead, because I didn't make the choice she would have made, I was supposed to feel that it had been my fault that the relationship failed. Sigh! ~~ > > I have joined Match.com recently to start feeling out the dating world in my > new location. > > > > I was contacted by a man who in his first email to me mildly insulted what I > was wearing in one of my profile photos. I was somewhat appalled. > > In an effort to find benign conversation topics to engage Nada (she thinks I > hate to talk to her, I just hate that everything I say gets twisted and > turned against me). > > Anyway, I jokingly told her about this exchange with this silly man thinking > maybe we could share a laugh or a positive exchange of some kind. > > > > Her response? " Well, I can't say because I don't know what you were wearing " > > > > REALLY!!!! Not, " geez , what a jerk, steer clear.. " Or " Doesn't > sound like he is trying to make a good first impression " > > Somehow even this gets twisted back at me. I must have been wearing > something ugly and it's a good idea to continue this man who wants to date > me(?) who is clearly an idiot? > > This is exactly the mentality I have been trying to fight off since birth. > In NPD Nadas mind I one again should take the scraps I can get and be happy > with it. > > > > Small, silly story but it really sums up for me her attitude toward me (now > and from birth). It is no wonder I have spent my entire adult life trying to > gain some self esteem. > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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