Does growing up unloved make me an abomination?

[Guest guest]

Sorry in advance for the long post...

As a KO a high functioning invisible Witch/Hermit BPD mother (whose entire

family also has BPD)and schizoid father, I grew up so incredibly unloved,

ignored and abused that I feel sure I was meant not to have survived, that no

one who grows up that way should be walking around on this earth infecting other

people with the after-effects of this sickness. Not that I would ever self-harm

or encourage that in any way, it's more a question of fundamental worthiness,

that having been that unloved has made me unworthy. Does anyone else ever feel

this way?

I have a 2yo daughter with my BPDx, and I am very careful to teach her how

valuable she is, how much I love her, that her emotions matter and how to

regulate them without ignoring them, I take her lots of places that would be fun

for her and just in general make sure to really connect with her all the time. I

love her like crazy and would do anything for her but can't help seeing the

contrast between her upbringing and mine, and feeling very sad and angry at my

parents. Why wasn't I worthy of this kind of love, attention and validation

when I was growing up? Is it too late for me? I am doing my best but I am so

sad. It is almost unbearable. I cut contact with my parents a year and a half

ago when my mother said something nasty to me and I insisted she apologize,

which she has never done before in her life. She steadfastly refuses and so I

haven't seen my parents since. Not that I enjoyed being around her before

anyway, but the fact that she cares so little about having a relationship with

me, even though she knows she is dying and will die likely within the next year

without her daughter in her life,is heart-breaking.

I've seen a number of posts from the board veterans lately discussing how the

BPD's dedication to his/her illness is greater than any other force in their

life, that it's not my fault she is this way, and that there is nothing I can do

about it. That definitely helps me a lot but I am still sad!

My daughter is a really happy, well-adjusted, outgoing, cute beyond all measure

toddler, for which I could not be more grateful. But some days when I look at

her I imagine myself at that age (although there are few pictures of me growing

up I've seen a couple, and unsurprisingly we look a lot alike!) and wish someone

had parented me the way I parent her.

I'm doing a lot of work with therapists, reading, mediation, yoga, etc. that has

helped a lot but I still have bad days like this one.

Does anyone else ever feel this way?

A year and a half into the healing process I know enough to know it gets better,

I feel a lot better about my life now overall than I did a year and a half ago,

so I know this emotional storm will pass. But I probably will always have bad

days sometimes.

It really helps to have this forum to rant. Thank you for listening.