Re: Short note, stomach flip

[Guest guest]

I am sorry you are going through this. My nada is trying to engage me as well.

Yesterday it was via text. It'll be email next. I am finding NC to be hard yet

worthwhile. When I care enough about myself to enforce peace in my life through

NC, it makes me feel calm, happy and strong. But when I first experience

ignoring her, I have anxiety and slight panic. But by a day later, I feel good.

It is way harder than I would have thought, but I have to do it. For me and for

my family. They need a sane mom/wife. And I can only be sane without her in my

life. Hang in there, you are doing great!

>

> It's been a little over 2 weeks since nada hatefully disowned us for the last

time. I had a moment of glee, then some mental gymnastics over whether to send

her a card for Christmas (I will not). Now I've settled into the whole free to

live my own life finally attitude.

>

> Today the phone rang just once. I checked caller ID and it was her. No

message, just one ring. I wanted to throw up. Please, no, I don't want to ever

see her again or get drawn into the whole crazy reality that is her world. Then

I figured she may have hit the speed dial by accident. Fine. An hour later, the

same thing: one ring and hang up. Ick.

>

> Now my mind is thinking: what if (the worst 2 words in the world) she calls

and leaves a message? Will I call her back and reply or ignore it? I know what I

want to do but what will I do?

>

[Guest guest]

I understand the sickness and pang of fear that goes through your body the

moment you hear the phone ring or see their name on the e-mail list. I went

NC in October and was able to find with my phone and e-mail providers,

rather quickly, the ability to block their home and cell numbers and e-mail

addresses so they can't make my stomach flip. It has been SO peaceful not

to worry every day if they are going to reach into my life and steal my joy

today. If you're serious about NC I highly recommend it for your sanity.

[Guest guest]

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. I went NC with Nada a year and a half

ago. She violated me in every way she could think of before NC and since I went

NC she has tried to violate NC (rather than apologize and ask me to voluntarily

lift NC). You can't stop what she does, you can only change how you react.

Choosing to go NC is a great first step in self protection and boundary setting.

As part of the self care process, I strongly recommend you block her number so

she can't tortusre you like this. I also recommend routing her emails to the

trash- I dot even know if Nada has tried to email me or not, since the emails go

direct to trash she can't invade my day, I never know if she tried to contact me

or not. When she tried to contact me through LinkedIn I told her her contact was

unwanted and if she true contacting me in any way I would prosecute her to the

fullest extent of the law. That did the trick. Nadas don't respect your

boundaries but they usually are scared o law enforcement.

Do whatever you need to do to protect your boundaries, unless and until you feel

comfortable releasing those boundaries, in the way you feel comfortable

releasing them. You deserve peace from what Nada has put you through. You

deserve NC (if you want it) from her no matter what she decides she wants. You

are worthy in general and specifically you are worthy of protecting yourself.

BPs will never stop until they know they are not in charge anymore.

I know it's hard. Believe me I know a lot about what you are experiencing. No

one should have to go through what you are experiencing, but really no one

should be treated that way by any relative much less their mother! Blood is

supposed to be thicker than water but she can't help abusing tou, she just

doesn't know better. An you can't teach her either. She will never learn unless

she decides she wants to, and that is not correlated with anything you do. She

lives in service to her illness, you didn't cause that and there's nothing you

can do to change it. You can only protect yourself from its impact.

I strongly recommend leaning into your Nc. It has been extraordinarily painful

for me but I don't think it would have been possible for me to achieve the

healing I have accomplished without it (in past posts I have likened it to

severing a gangrenous limb. It's a very painful decision to make and it hurts

for a while after- and you have to go through life permanently crippled- but if

you don't do it the infection will overtake your entire body and you will die.

You're basically making a very charged decision between really bad and even

worse)

So I get it, it sucks objectively, but you do not have to live your life a

victim to Nada, you can make choices that bring you safety, and fully embracing

that- and not feeling guilty for protecting yourself- is the next level of

healing, and the true silver lining, to the grey cloud of your journey out of

childhood abuse.

I'm wishing you the best of luck and lot of healing peace during this very

difficult time.

Hugs,

Mdg2101

>

> It's been a little over 2 weeks since nada hatefully disowned us for the last

time. I had a moment of glee, then some mental gymnastics over whether to send

her a card for Christmas (I will not). Now I've settled into the whole free to

live my own life finally attitude.

>

> Today the phone rang just once. I checked caller ID and it was her. No

message, just one ring. I wanted to throw up. Please, no, I don't want to ever

see her again or get drawn into the whole crazy reality that is her world. Then

I figured she may have hit the speed dial by accident. Fine. An hour later, the

same thing: one ring and hang up. Ick.

>

> Now my mind is thinking: what if (the worst 2 words in the world) she calls

and leaves a message? Will I call her back and reply or ignore it? I know what I

want to do but what will I do?

>

[Guest guest]

Totally agree with !!

>

>

>

> I understand the sickness and pang of fear that goes through your body the

> moment you hear the phone ring or see their name on the e-mail list. I went

> NC in October and was able to find with my phone and e-mail providers,

> rather quickly, the ability to block their home and cell numbers and e-mail

> addresses so they can't make my stomach flip. It has been SO peaceful not

> to worry every day if they are going to reach into my life and steal my joy

> today. If you're serious about NC I highly recommend it for your sanity.

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I'm in the same boat as you. I've recently decided that with the progressively

abusive behavior from my nada, that NC was the best bet for the holidays,

especially to protect my daughter from any tug-a-war since my nada likes to

throw her in the middle in a split second. Of course my nada is not happy about

this and has been trying her darnedest to figure out some way to get me to

communicate from nice text messages to really mean texts just 5 minutes later,

to showing up unannounced at my daughter's school because she knew I would be

there and then to try to make a scene when I wouldn't engage (my daughter's

school now has her on the " not allowed on school grounds " list.) She even called

my therapist and told her she needed to have a meeting with her so that she

could set the record straight. My therapist called to tell me about the message

and said that it would breach all confidentiality if she even returned the phone

call to even lie and say I wasn't a client, so she won't be doing anything to

engage in this behavior. (I love my therapist so much.)

Anyway, I find myself extremely paranoid right now. I haven't slept good in the

past 3 days. I'm looking over my shoulder every where I go. Even though my

nada lives about 40 minutes away it didn't seem to matter when she showed up at

my daughter's school. I changed the locks on my doors in case she ever had a

key. I even told my husband that we should think about moving. He's doing his

best to make me feel secure but not really engage in my paranoid behavior. I

love him for this but still I feel sick. I blocked her phone numbers on my cell

and house phone so I don't have to worry so much, but I find myself still

wondering if she'll figure this out and call from a different number.

I hope she gives up soon, but in the back of my mind I know that as soon as I

relax a bit, my nada will try again.

All I can say is to be diligent. No means No! No matter how many times I have

to say it to her. And I know Christmas is making my nada more crazy but I don't

care what time of the year it is. No means No. It's the only thing that I can

say to myself right now that makes me feel any better.

Good luck and we'll get through the holidays together.

-R

>

> It's been a little over 2 weeks since nada hatefully disowned us for the last

time. I had a moment of glee, then some mental gymnastics over whether to send

her a card for Christmas (I will not). Now I've settled into the whole free to

live my own life finally attitude.

>

> Today the phone rang just once. I checked caller ID and it was her. No

message, just one ring. I wanted to throw up. Please, no, I don't want to ever

see her again or get drawn into the whole crazy reality that is her world. Then

I figured she may have hit the speed dial by accident. Fine. An hour later, the

same thing: one ring and hang up. Ick.

>

> Now my mind is thinking: what if (the worst 2 words in the world) she calls

and leaves a message? Will I call her back and reply or ignore it? I know what I

want to do but what will I do?

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you for understanding. I don't know how to block a number but I'm sure I

can find out. She doesn't really have any friends she can use to reach me so I

don't have to watch for the flying monkeys. I've thought of changing my number

but what a hassle that would be contacting everyone I know and giving them the

new #. I like blocking better.

mdg2101 - I'm so grateful that nada doesn't have a clue how to use a computer so

that's one less way for her to poke me (poke on FaceBook is fun; this is not).

Nada did call again this morning. Our power was out so I couldn't see the caller

ID. She left another lousy message.

17 Dec 2012, 8:11am - phone msg: Yes, of course you know who this is. But I'm so

sorry that you felt it necessary to do what you've done to me. I'm sorry for

you, not for me. I can take it. You could have inherited so much. I was saving

extra for you and then what you did to me. You better make peace with the Lord.

I think it's really necessary and Good Luck. Bye-bye.

Don't you love the victim mentality? And then dangling the inheritance like some

carrot to draw me in. Some of her most angry moments were when I made comments

about the so-called inheritance. She would go on and on about how much money she

was going to leave me (it's really not that much) and I would say things like " I

don't feel any sense of entitlement to your stuff. You've bought it, saved it

and I want you to use it for whatever makes you happy. It's your money. " Wow,

that blew her cork and she got so mad. But it's really how I feel. Even if I had

some minor sense of excitement at inheriting anything from her years ago (I was

hoping to help our daughter with her school loans), now I can't see or touch

anything from her without feeling physically sick. There was one cross stitch

design she made that I liked but now I want to puke when I think of it.

Knowing she doesn't want me to have anything, there's no way I could accept

anything after her death. I'd give it all away. I don't need her $#!T and I

don't want any of it. I say bury it all with her.

I was going to say this just makes me feel better, reinforces my decision to

stick with the NC that she started. But my rant shows otherwise. I don't like

being used or manipulated.

Time to get out of the house for awhile.

Hugs to you all.

>

>

>

> I understand the sickness and pang of fear that goes through your body the

> moment you hear the phone ring or see their name on the e-mail list. I went

> NC in October and was able to find with my phone and e-mail providers,

> rather quickly, the ability to block their home and cell numbers and e-mail

> addresses so they can't make my stomach flip. It has been SO peaceful not

> to worry every day if they are going to reach into my life and steal my joy

> today. If you're serious about NC I highly recommend it for your sanity.

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I guess I should be thankful in some ways. My nada has no clue how to use a

computer or cell phone and she doesn't drive. All I get are nasty phone msgs

(more on that in a moment) And your nada knows who your therapist is and

contacts her? That almost seems like she's breaking the HIPAA law of privacy.

But since your T isn't sharing anything with her, I suppose it's considered OK.

That would make me feel pretty uneasy and paranoid too if I had nada stalking me

every which way. I am so sorry.

I had mentioned that I got 2 unfinished calls from nada. But then she did call

and left an ugly message about what horrible things I've done to her, that I

need to get right with the Lord (she's not even marginally religious). Then

yesterday she left 2 more horrid messages about how I'm killing her, that her

poor little dog is suffering because she has no food. Then she goes on to say

her neighbors are feeding her. So now she's suffering and starving and it's all

my fault. She's the one who told me never to contact her or come over. Plus in

one msg she told me I could have had a big inheritance and she was even saving

extra for me. So she's hanging out the money lure to drag me back. What she

didn't realize is I don't give one flying . . . . fig about her belongings or

money. I never have. She's gotten angry with me over the years because I didn't

jump up and down when she mentioned leaving me a bunch of stuff. Even if I ever

did feel entitled to an inheritance (which I don't) now I couldn't stand to

touch one bit of her crap because of all the bad memories and her hatred tied up

in it.

We did take a risk last night and contacted her neighbor. Briefed her a tiny bit

about what was happening and asked if she could just keep an eye on nada. Nada

has tried to convince me that this woman is crazy, is horrible but from my

limited experience with her, I think she's very nice. Her son lives with her,

she loves to travel north to see her other son and grandson, she watches out for

her mom who has Alzheimers. I think only nice people would do those things. Even

if she does mention to nada that we talked to her, hey, she can't hate us any

more than she already does.

Let's hang on tight to each other and get through the holidays. Some day we may

actually have the freedom to enjoy them.

It's been a little over 2 weeks since nada hatefully disowned us for the last

time. I had a moment of glee, then some mental gymnastics over whether to send

her a card for Christmas (I will not). Now I've settled into the whole free to

live my own life finally attitude.

Today the phone rang just once. I checked caller ID and it was her. No

message, just one ring. I wanted to throw up. Please, no, I don't want to ever

see her again or get drawn into the whole crazy reality that is her world. Then

I figured she may have hit the speed dial by accident. Fine. An hour later, the

same thing: one ring and hang up. Ick.

Now my mind is thinking: what if (the worst 2 words in the world) she calls

and leaves a message? Will I call her back and reply or ignore it? I know what I

want to do but what will I do?

[Guest guest]

Hello R,

Just a bit of cheerleading for you this morning…GOOD FOR YOU for standing up for

yourself and for your family. Your daughter being a pawn in your nada's drama is

so unhealthy! Good for you for putting the brakes on it. I know the feeling of

paranoia you're feeling now. I went through it too last time I took a 'break'

and went NC. It will get a little less intense as you become stronger and

practice in your head about 1000x the script you will say to her. (500 times

just isn't enough to practice medium chill reiteration of " No, you are violating

the boundaries I set. Your behavior is unacceptable and will not be tolerated.

Leave now. " ) Just having to say the words right now gives me tingles and a knot

in my stomach. But the fear and intensity lessens a little as times goes on.

It'll be a bit better in a week, and even more so in two!! And, btw, your

paranoia isn't unjustified!! It's a real possibility that she'll show up at

places you are. So I guess it's not paranoia, but fear. Don't feed the fear, but

instead control it by making yourself stronger. Sounds like you're doing a good

job so far!!

Keep on keeping on

Happy Holidays