Re: New Memory Share: the Tag-Teamed Scapegoat

[Guest guest]

Also, one more thing. (Sorry to comment on my own post Golden Sis never

went into my closet or used my cosmetics. She was taught that they were

'beneath' her--and they certainly were worth less money, and were less

fashionable, too--nada made sure of that.

God. These are really painful memories.

--Charlotte

>

> It seems like the 'trauma' memories I have in me that need remembering and

recasting are just endless. Today I have some very important ones I'd like to

share with the board. I hope that in writing about it, I can take more control

of the reality, and also to help anyone who might have had similar experiences.

>

> I have mentioned before my nada's obsessions included wanting to be most

'pretty' and desirable and popular. She and my split-good sister would

relentlessly tag-team me when my fada and brothers were not around. These

memories are so traumatic that they are fully buried--I literally have blacked

out every word from the times that I was alone with nada and Golden

sister--about up until age 17 or so.

>

> What I do remember, what I'm processing today, is harrowing. Nada and split

good sister would jump onto literally every word I said, and every action of

mine, and dismiss it in mocking disgust. They were trying to 'shame' me into

being the ugly rejected girl on the playground--and they did it SO incessantly,

and so violently, that it was experienced by me as pure trauma, existential

banishment. Example: I would serve myself a plate of food. I should mention

here that I was not an overweight child--luckily I was blessed not to have that

challenge--but this didn't matter one lick, because nada and split-good were

intent on casting me as the schoolyard 'fat' girl. So. I would serve a plate

and the two of them would roll their eyes together, and one or both of them

would say, SO mockingly, and as if I was the most ridiculous and disgusting

person in the world, 'you're eating ALL THAT?' Or, 'are you STARVING?' If I

would try to say anything about what happened in school, they would in unison

bark a monosyllabic 'HA!', dissmissing me, and say something or other indicating

that whatever I had just described was my desperate attempt to be popular, and

should be utterly dismissed because I was unpopular, ugly, and ridiculous.

>

> This went on for dozens of years. Any time I was alone with the two of them.

Which was plenty. Literally. I am not exaggerating. Literally, EVERYTHING, I

said and did, was used to dismiss me, shame me, banish me from their PRIVILEGED

tribe.

>

> It was also extremely enforced that my sister was the privileged one with the

men in the family. She was given luxury clothes and cosmetics. I was barred

from her closet and her bathroom like I had the plague. I remember that nada

had a very special form of wrath reserved if I ever dared to enter my sister's

closet. I was not good enough for her clothes. I was disgusting, 'fat',

desperate--she was the beautiful, skinny child. The closet and the bathroom,

being banished from them, were memories I had buried as a trauma that resurfaced

in a dream or two recently. It was so painful.

>

> It was really very severe. Also incessant. But I guess I already mentioned

that. It was not just that they wanted me to feel ugly or desperate (though

they did)--they wanted to absolutely eradicate my existence as a human being,

worthy of dignity, and respect, having an existence, having my own needs.

ANYTHING. I said or did, was dismissed by them, with mocking derision,

TOGETHER, as a tag team. And there was no way to fight it. I was trapped there

with them--noone else was in the room/car, and I was too young to drive myself

away.

>

> (Is it any suprise that I went running and never looked back, the moment I WAS

old enough to drive myself away).

>

> Of all that was done--and God. So MUCH was done. Of all that was done, this

group ridiculing is the most painful, and the only thing that has caused full on

black-outs in my memory cycle. I had a basic need to emotionally connect with

my 'mother', because I was a child and that is a human instinct. So I kept

wanting to change it. I kept thinking that if I was just pretty enough, or

popular enough, or if I got the perfect boyfriend/husband, then they would be

FORCED to admit I deserved to be in their 'tribe'. Of course it never worked

that way. When I did have a boyfriend they would appropriate him to their

cause. One particular boyfriend used to roll their eyes with nada and my sister

whenever they queued him up.

>

> I ditched his butt after a few months of that. Sigh...

>

> --Charlie

>

[Guest guest]

How sad! You didn't deserve that. They were horrible!

On Sun, Dec 16, 2012 at 3:29 PM, charlottehoneychurch <

charlottehoneychurch@...> wrote:

> **

>

>

> It seems like the 'trauma' memories I have in me that need remembering and

> recasting are just endless. Today I have some very important ones I'd like

> to share with the board. I hope that in writing about it, I can take more

> control of the reality, and also to help anyone who might have had similar

> experiences.

>

> I have mentioned before my nada's obsessions included wanting to be most

> 'pretty' and desirable and popular. She and my split-good sister would

> relentlessly tag-team me when my fada and brothers were not around. These

> memories are so traumatic that they are fully buried--I literally have

> blacked out every word from the times that I was alone with nada and Golden

> sister--about up until age 17 or so.

>

> What I do remember, what I'm processing today, is harrowing. Nada and

> split good sister would jump onto literally every word I said, and every

> action of mine, and dismiss it in mocking disgust. They were trying to

> 'shame' me into being the ugly rejected girl on the playground--and they

> did it SO incessantly, and so violently, that it was experienced by me as

> pure trauma, existential banishment. Example: I would serve myself a plate

> of food. I should mention here that I was not an overweight child--luckily

> I was blessed not to have that challenge--but this didn't matter one lick,

> because nada and split-good were intent on casting me as the schoolyard

> 'fat' girl. So. I would serve a plate and the two of them would roll their

> eyes together, and one or both of them would say, SO mockingly, and as if I

> was the most ridiculous and disgusting person in the world, 'you're eating

> ALL THAT?' Or, 'are you STARVING?' If I would try to say anything about

> what happened in school, they would in unison bark a monosyllabic 'HA!',

> dissmissing me, and say something or other indicating that whatever I had

> just described was my desperate attempt to be popular, and should be

> utterly dismissed because I was unpopular, ugly, and ridiculous.

>

> This went on for dozens of years. Any time I was alone with the two of

> them. Which was plenty. Literally. I am not exaggerating. Literally,

> EVERYTHING, I said and did, was used to dismiss me, shame me, banish me

> from their PRIVILEGED tribe.

>

> It was also extremely enforced that my sister was the privileged one with

> the men in the family. She was given luxury clothes and cosmetics. I was

> barred from her closet and her bathroom like I had the plague. I remember

> that nada had a very special form of wrath reserved if I ever dared to

> enter my sister's closet. I was not good enough for her clothes. I was

> disgusting, 'fat', desperate--she was the beautiful, skinny child. The

> closet and the bathroom, being banished from them, were memories I had

> buried as a trauma that resurfaced in a dream or two recently. It was so

> painful.

>

> It was really very severe. Also incessant. But I guess I already mentioned

> that. It was not just that they wanted me to feel ugly or desperate (though

> they did)--they wanted to absolutely eradicate my existence as a human

> being, worthy of dignity, and respect, having an existence, having my own

> needs. ANYTHING. I said or did, was dismissed by them, with mocking

> derision, TOGETHER, as a tag team. And there was no way to fight it. I was

> trapped there with them--noone else was in the room/car, and I was too

> young to drive myself away.

>

> (Is it any suprise that I went running and never looked back, the moment I

> WAS old enough to drive myself away).

>

> Of all that was done--and God. So MUCH was done. Of all that was done,

> this group ridiculing is the most painful, and the only thing that has

> caused full on black-outs in my memory cycle. I had a basic need to

> emotionally connect with my 'mother', because I was a child and that is a

> human instinct. So I kept wanting to change it. I kept thinking that if I

> was just pretty enough, or popular enough, or if I got the perfect

> boyfriend/husband, then they would be FORCED to admit I deserved to be in

> their 'tribe'. Of course it never worked that way. When I did have a

> boyfriend they would appropriate him to their cause. One particular

> boyfriend used to roll their eyes with nada and my sister whenever they

> queued him up.

>

> I ditched his butt after a few months of that. Sigh...

>

> --Charlie

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

(((((Charlie)))))

That's just horrible, the way you were treated. It is literally a real-life

enactment of how the evil step-mother and her daughters treated Cinderella in

that fairy-tale. (Which is one of the reasons why the old fairy tales still

resonate down through the ages; they are based on dynamics and situations that

can and do occur in dysfunctional families, and they offer in symbolic guise

hopeful, positive ways of resolving these problems. The key feature of a fairy

tale, is the happy ending.)

No wonder you blanked-out so much of this soul-damaging, chronic abuse; that is

a defense mechanism of the helpless child who has no means of escape. The will

to survive is so strong in children, that an abused child will dissociate or

develop amnesia rather than plunge into suicidal hopelessness and despair.

I hope that as these ugly memories resurface that you can completely exorcize

them from your psyche and much more deep and cleansing healing can occur, like

the psychological equivalent of a painful boil that erupts to the surface and

needs to be lanced, scoured out and perhaps some antibiotics taken as well, to

prevent reoccurrence.

Best wishes to you as you continue in your healing journey.

-Annie

>

> It seems like the 'trauma' memories I have in me that need remembering and

recasting are just endless. Today I have some very important ones I'd like to

share with the board. I hope that in writing about it, I can take more control

of the reality, and also to help anyone who might have had similar experiences.

>

> I have mentioned before my nada's obsessions included wanting to be most

'pretty' and desirable and popular. She and my split-good sister would

relentlessly tag-team me when my fada and brothers were not around. These

memories are so traumatic that they are fully buried--I literally have blacked

out every word from the times that I was alone with nada and Golden

sister--about up until age 17 or so.

>

> What I do remember, what I'm processing today, is harrowing. Nada and split

good sister would jump onto literally every word I said, and every action of

mine, and dismiss it in mocking disgust. They were trying to 'shame' me into

being the ugly rejected girl on the playground--and they did it SO incessantly,

and so violently, that it was experienced by me as pure trauma, existential

banishment. Example: I would serve myself a plate of food. I should mention

here that I was not an overweight child--luckily I was blessed not to have that

challenge--but this didn't matter one lick, because nada and split-good were

intent on casting me as the schoolyard 'fat' girl. So. I would serve a plate

and the two of them would roll their eyes together, and one or both of them

would say, SO mockingly, and as if I was the most ridiculous and disgusting

person in the world, 'you're eating ALL THAT?' Or, 'are you STARVING?' If I

would try to say anything about what happened in school, they would in unison

bark a monosyllabic 'HA!', dissmissing me, and say something or other indicating

that whatever I had just described was my desperate attempt to be popular, and

should be utterly dismissed because I was unpopular, ugly, and ridiculous.

>

> This went on for dozens of years. Any time I was alone with the two of them.

Which was plenty. Literally. I am not exaggerating. Literally, EVERYTHING, I

said and did, was used to dismiss me, shame me, banish me from their PRIVILEGED

tribe.

>

> It was also extremely enforced that my sister was the privileged one with the

men in the family. She was given luxury clothes and cosmetics. I was barred

from her closet and her bathroom like I had the plague. I remember that nada

had a very special form of wrath reserved if I ever dared to enter my sister's

closet. I was not good enough for her clothes. I was disgusting, 'fat',

desperate--she was the beautiful, skinny child. The closet and the bathroom,

being banished from them, were memories I had buried as a trauma that resurfaced

in a dream or two recently. It was so painful.

>

> It was really very severe. Also incessant. But I guess I already mentioned

that. It was not just that they wanted me to feel ugly or desperate (though

they did)--they wanted to absolutely eradicate my existence as a human being,

worthy of dignity, and respect, having an existence, having my own needs.

ANYTHING. I said or did, was dismissed by them, with mocking derision,

TOGETHER, as a tag team. And there was no way to fight it. I was trapped there

with them--noone else was in the room/car, and I was too young to drive myself

away.

>

> (Is it any suprise that I went running and never looked back, the moment I WAS

old enough to drive myself away).

>

> Of all that was done--and God. So MUCH was done. Of all that was done, this

group ridiculing is the most painful, and the only thing that has caused full on

black-outs in my memory cycle. I had a basic need to emotionally connect with

my 'mother', because I was a child and that is a human instinct. So I kept

wanting to change it. I kept thinking that if I was just pretty enough, or

popular enough, or if I got the perfect boyfriend/husband, then they would be

FORCED to admit I deserved to be in their 'tribe'. Of course it never worked

that way. When I did have a boyfriend they would appropriate him to their

cause. One particular boyfriend used to roll their eyes with nada and my sister

whenever they queued him up.

>

> I ditched his butt after a few months of that. Sigh...

>

> --Charlie

>

[Guest guest]

Charlie,

That is so horrible, so damaging what they did! I can't imagine being ganged up

on that way by both Nada and sister. It is sickening that it was made into some

sort of GAME... just horrible! Thank you for sharing that. It reminds me of

several ways my mother tried to make me feel fat as a child, even though I

wasn't. She was slightly more covert with it, less incessant, but still left me

very confused about my body and I still struggle with food/body image today.

-E

>

> It seems like the 'trauma' memories I have in me that need remembering and

recasting are just endless. Today I have some very important ones I'd like to

share with the board. I hope that in writing about it, I can take more control

of the reality, and also to help anyone who might have had similar experiences.

>

> I have mentioned before my nada's obsessions included wanting to be most

'pretty' and desirable and popular. She and my split-good sister would

relentlessly tag-team me when my fada and brothers were not around. These

memories are so traumatic that they are fully buried--I literally have blacked

out every word from the times that I was alone with nada and Golden

sister--about up until age 17 or so.

>

> What I do remember, what I'm processing today, is harrowing. Nada and split

good sister would jump onto literally every word I said, and every action of

mine, and dismiss it in mocking disgust. They were trying to 'shame' me into

being the ugly rejected girl on the playground--and they did it SO incessantly,

and so violently, that it was experienced by me as pure trauma, existential

banishment. Example: I would serve myself a plate of food. I should mention

here that I was not an overweight child--luckily I was blessed not to have that

challenge--but this didn't matter one lick, because nada and split-good were

intent on casting me as the schoolyard 'fat' girl. So. I would serve a plate

and the two of them would roll their eyes together, and one or both of them

would say, SO mockingly, and as if I was the most ridiculous and disgusting

person in the world, 'you're eating ALL THAT?' Or, 'are you STARVING?' If I

would try to say anything about what happened in school, they would in unison

bark a monosyllabic 'HA!', dissmissing me, and say something or other indicating

that whatever I had just described was my desperate attempt to be popular, and

should be utterly dismissed because I was unpopular, ugly, and ridiculous.

>

> This went on for dozens of years. Any time I was alone with the two of them.

Which was plenty. Literally. I am not exaggerating. Literally, EVERYTHING, I

said and did, was used to dismiss me, shame me, banish me from their PRIVILEGED

tribe.

>

> It was also extremely enforced that my sister was the privileged one with the

men in the family. She was given luxury clothes and cosmetics. I was barred

from her closet and her bathroom like I had the plague. I remember that nada

had a very special form of wrath reserved if I ever dared to enter my sister's

closet. I was not good enough for her clothes. I was disgusting, 'fat',

desperate--she was the beautiful, skinny child. The closet and the bathroom,

being banished from them, were memories I had buried as a trauma that resurfaced

in a dream or two recently. It was so painful.

>

> It was really very severe. Also incessant. But I guess I already mentioned

that. It was not just that they wanted me to feel ugly or desperate (though

they did)--they wanted to absolutely eradicate my existence as a human being,

worthy of dignity, and respect, having an existence, having my own needs.

ANYTHING. I said or did, was dismissed by them, with mocking derision,

TOGETHER, as a tag team. And there was no way to fight it. I was trapped there

with them--noone else was in the room/car, and I was too young to drive myself

away.

>

> (Is it any suprise that I went running and never looked back, the moment I WAS

old enough to drive myself away).

>

> Of all that was done--and God. So MUCH was done. Of all that was done, this

group ridiculing is the most painful, and the only thing that has caused full on

black-outs in my memory cycle. I had a basic need to emotionally connect with

my 'mother', because I was a child and that is a human instinct. So I kept

wanting to change it. I kept thinking that if I was just pretty enough, or

popular enough, or if I got the perfect boyfriend/husband, then they would be

FORCED to admit I deserved to be in their 'tribe'. Of course it never worked

that way. When I did have a boyfriend they would appropriate him to their

cause. One particular boyfriend used to roll their eyes with nada and my sister

whenever they queued him up.

>

> I ditched his butt after a few months of that. Sigh...

>

> --Charlie

>

[Guest guest]

Sorry Charlotte,

All too much and so life damaging/so painful..thank goodness we finally get

to see.

From: WTOAdultChildren1

[mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 ] On Behalf Of charlottehoneychurch

Sent: Sunday, December 16, 2012 01:45 PM

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Subject: Re: New Memory Share: the Tag-Teamed Scapegoat

Also, one more thing. (Sorry to comment on my own post Golden Sis never

went into my closet or used my cosmetics. She was taught that they were

'beneath' her--and they certainly were worth less money, and were less

fashionable, too--nada made sure of that.

God. These are really painful memories.

--Charlotte

>

> It seems like the 'trauma' memories I have in me that need remembering and

recasting are just endless. Today I have some very important ones I'd like

to share with the board. I hope that in writing about it, I can take more

control of the reality, and also to help anyone who might have had similar

experiences.

>

> I have mentioned before my nada's obsessions included wanting to be most

'pretty' and desirable and popular. She and my split-good sister would

relentlessly tag-team me when my fada and brothers were not around. These

memories are so traumatic that they are fully buried--I literally have

blacked out every word from the times that I was alone with nada and Golden

sister--about up until age 17 or so.

>

> What I do remember, what I'm processing today, is harrowing. Nada and

split good sister would jump onto literally every word I said, and every

action of mine, and dismiss it in mocking disgust. They were trying to

'shame' me into being the ugly rejected girl on the playground--and they did

it SO incessantly, and so violently, that it was experienced by me as pure

trauma, existential banishment. Example: I would serve myself a plate of

food. I should mention here that I was not an overweight child--luckily I

was blessed not to have that challenge--but this didn't matter one lick,

because nada and split-good were intent on casting me as the schoolyard

'fat' girl. So. I would serve a plate and the two of them would roll their

eyes together, and one or both of them would say, SO mockingly, and as if I

was the most ridiculous and disgusting person in the world, 'you're eating

ALL THAT?' Or, 'are you STARVING?' If I would try to say anything about what

happened in school, they would in unison bark a monosyllabic 'HA!',

dissmissing me, and say something or other indicating that whatever I had

just described was my desperate attempt to be popular, and should be utterly

dismissed because I was unpopular, ugly, and ridiculous.

>

> This went on for dozens of years. Any time I was alone with the two of

them. Which was plenty. Literally. I am not exaggerating. Literally,

EVERYTHING, I said and did, was used to dismiss me, shame me, banish me from

their PRIVILEGED tribe.

>

> It was also extremely enforced that my sister was the privileged one with

the men in the family. She was given luxury clothes and cosmetics. I was

barred from her closet and her bathroom like I had the plague. I remember

that nada had a very special form of wrath reserved if I ever dared to enter

my sister's closet. I was not good enough for her clothes. I was disgusting,

'fat', desperate--she was the beautiful, skinny child. The closet and the

bathroom, being banished from them, were memories I had buried as a trauma

that resurfaced in a dream or two recently. It was so painful.

>

> It was really very severe. Also incessant. But I guess I already mentioned

that. It was not just that they wanted me to feel ugly or desperate (though

they did)--they wanted to absolutely eradicate my existence as a human

being, worthy of dignity, and respect, having an existence, having my own

needs. ANYTHING. I said or did, was dismissed by them, with mocking

derision, TOGETHER, as a tag team. And there was no way to fight it. I was

trapped there with them--noone else was in the room/car, and I was too young

to drive myself away.

>

> (Is it any suprise that I went running and never looked back, the moment I

WAS old enough to drive myself away).

>

> Of all that was done--and God. So MUCH was done. Of all that was done,

this group ridiculing is the most painful, and the only thing that has

caused full on black-outs in my memory cycle. I had a basic need to

emotionally connect with my 'mother', because I was a child and that is a

human instinct. So I kept wanting to change it. I kept thinking that if I

was just pretty enough, or popular enough, or if I got the perfect

boyfriend/husband, then they would be FORCED to admit I deserved to be in

their 'tribe'. Of course it never worked that way. When I did have a

boyfriend they would appropriate him to their cause. One particular

boyfriend used to roll their eyes with nada and my sister whenever they

queued him up.

>

> I ditched his butt after a few months of that. Sigh...

>

> --Charlie

>

[Guest guest]

it is hard to put in words how much I understand what you are describing. it is

so deeply painful to be betrayed and belittled all the time, and made to believe

that you are not worthy of love. for me I believed until very recently that

there was something about me that just brought out the worst in people, and I

excused everything they did, and took the blame.

we had some rather sick dynamics on appearance and popularity too. my sister

just a little older than me is a little bigger than me, was treated like she was

" fat " and she was everyone's favorite at the same time. she used to tell

everyone I was the pretty one and she was the smart one. which did nothing for

either of us really. she had some weird jealousy issues against me, and she has

lots and lots of BP fleas. she used to tell me almost every time I opened my

mouth that I was " annoying " " too loud " " embarrassing the family " and shhing me.

she to this day goes on and on about how " spoiled " I was and am. which I have

realized by context as an adult is just her way of blaming me because she felt

neglected. and honestly I don't blame her it is a much more pleasant reality

that realizing your parents did not have the emotional strength to take care of

anyone.

I always felt ganged up on too in my family and out. I had a class at school for

2 years where it was the same thing you are describing, every thing I did, said,

or didn't do... honestly i cant really remember it very well. it was in high

school, and large parts of my life are blanked out from that time. sadly

trusting little Meikjn kept all of it to herself and only told Nada (if anyone

at all). Nada would dismiss it all, and to this day believes that I am so

hateful to think the teacher should have done anything to help me. she says I

don't understand the dynamics of a classroom. etc.. and mocks me for not liking

my hometown and being around the ringleader who married my brothers best friend,

and tends to show up at family events (in her defense she is remorseful now, or

so I am told by reliable sources, she has never said so to me)

one of my nice sisters told me one day that she sees it as the dysfunctional

people in my family sit around staring at me waiting for something they can make

fun of, and then remind me that I am " too sensitive " when I don't like it. I

have always felt that that is how it was, but I was taught my whole life that it

was me who had a " chip on my shoulder " and that no one had ever done anything

hurtful, but that I had just " imagined " it and all other forms of crazy making

crap on the list I was told every day.

Nada claims she has " always defended me " (trust me I hear this all the time,

even when i don't bring it up) which consisted of her reminding everyone that I

was " sensitive " and that they could be a little nicer. this was when she tried.

most of the time she would say " I'm not going to fight your battles " or " I'm not

getting involved "

I often equate my family dynamics to Lord of the flies with parental support. we

had a really nasty ridged hierarchy, that I sat at the bottom of. and sadly Nada

blamed me for not being forgiving and Overreacting, and I believed it.

so I became very withdrawn, and never have understood why people feel homesick.

honestly I think I have trouble " missing " people even when it is natural. it is

a bit foreign to me. I so often just wanted to be alone with my books. which is

really sad for a naturally extroverted person. I was just so ashamed of who I

was that I though it was a burden to be around me. I used to pray every night

for a new personality so people would be nicer to me.

it is amazing that any of us still have enough respect for ourselves to get

away. I am becoming convinced that nothing really is permanent. no matter how

much we believe the lies, we will one day have to face the truth, even though it

almost kills us. '

Meikjn

> >

> > It seems like the 'trauma' memories I have in me that need remembering and

recasting are just endless. Today I have some very important ones I'd like to

share with the board. I hope that in writing about it, I can take more control

of the reality, and also to help anyone who might have had similar experiences.

> >

> > I have mentioned before my nada's obsessions included wanting to be most

'pretty' and desirable and popular. She and my split-good sister would

relentlessly tag-team me when my fada and brothers were not around. These

memories are so traumatic that they are fully buried--I literally have blacked

out every word from the times that I was alone with nada and Golden

sister--about up until age 17 or so.

> >

> > What I do remember, what I'm processing today, is harrowing. Nada and split

good sister would jump onto literally every word I said, and every action of

mine, and dismiss it in mocking disgust. They were trying to 'shame' me into

being the ugly rejected girl on the playground--and they did it SO incessantly,

and so violently, that it was experienced by me as pure trauma, existential

banishment. Example: I would serve myself a plate of food. I should mention

here that I was not an overweight child--luckily I was blessed not to have that

challenge--but this didn't matter one lick, because nada and split-good were

intent on casting me as the schoolyard 'fat' girl. So. I would serve a plate

and the two of them would roll their eyes together, and one or both of them

would say, SO mockingly, and as if I was the most ridiculous and disgusting

person in the world, 'you're eating ALL THAT?' Or, 'are you STARVING?' If I

would try to say anything about what happened in school, they would in unison

bark a monosyllabic 'HA!', dissmissing me, and say something or other indicating

that whatever I had just described was my desperate attempt to be popular, and

should be utterly dismissed because I was unpopular, ugly, and ridiculous.

> >

> > This went on for dozens of years. Any time I was alone with the two of

them. Which was plenty. Literally. I am not exaggerating. Literally,

EVERYTHING, I said and did, was used to dismiss me, shame me, banish me from

their PRIVILEGED tribe.

> >

> > It was also extremely enforced that my sister was the privileged one with

the men in the family. She was given luxury clothes and cosmetics. I was

barred from her closet and her bathroom like I had the plague. I remember that

nada had a very special form of wrath reserved if I ever dared to enter my

sister's closet. I was not good enough for her clothes. I was disgusting,

'fat', desperate--she was the beautiful, skinny child. The closet and the

bathroom, being banished from them, were memories I had buried as a trauma that

resurfaced in a dream or two recently. It was so painful.

> >

> > It was really very severe. Also incessant. But I guess I already mentioned

that. It was not just that they wanted me to feel ugly or desperate (though

they did)--they wanted to absolutely eradicate my existence as a human being,

worthy of dignity, and respect, having an existence, having my own needs.

ANYTHING. I said or did, was dismissed by them, with mocking derision,

TOGETHER, as a tag team. And there was no way to fight it. I was trapped there

with them--noone else was in the room/car, and I was too young to drive myself

away.

> >

> > (Is it any suprise that I went running and never looked back, the moment I

WAS old enough to drive myself away).

> >

> > Of all that was done--and God. So MUCH was done. Of all that was done,

this group ridiculing is the most painful, and the only thing that has caused

full on black-outs in my memory cycle. I had a basic need to emotionally

connect with my 'mother', because I was a child and that is a human instinct.

So I kept wanting to change it. I kept thinking that if I was just pretty

enough, or popular enough, or if I got the perfect boyfriend/husband, then they

would be FORCED to admit I deserved to be in their 'tribe'. Of course it never

worked that way. When I did have a boyfriend they would appropriate him to

their cause. One particular boyfriend used to roll their eyes with nada and my

sister whenever they queued him up.

> >

> > I ditched his butt after a few months of that. Sigh...

> >

> > --Charlie

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Meikjn: " so I became very withdrawn, and never have understood why people

feel homesick. honestly I think I have trouble " missing " people even when it

is natural. it is a bit foreign to me. I so often just wanted to be alone

with my books. which is really sad for a naturally extroverted person. I was

just so ashamed of who I was that I thought it was a burden to be around me.

I used to pray every night for a new personality so people would be nicer to

me. "

I have blacked out huge portions of my childhood/high school as well and

your posts here have jogged a bunch of things for me. I, too, was ridiculed

both in my home and at school. I ran across a journal entry from high

school in some old stuff I found while moving this past week and your post,

Meikjn, is VERY similar to something I had written. I had stated that I

didn't believe people liked me and could understand why since I had nothing

worth while to offer them. I didn't date at all in high school and would

run away from normal, nice guys because I knew they would find out what a

loser I was and not want to be around me. I have now moved across states

twice in 10 years and every time I go I feel no pain at moving away from

people. Something from the way nadas raise their kids eliminates their

ability to form proper attachments. At least for me I am constantly

preparing myself for everyone to leave me so that when they do (or I do by

moving) there is no pain - only confirmation that I was not important to

them. How very sad for a bunch of terrific people with so much to

contribute to be so sure that they are worthless. What amazing things could

we have accomplished in this world if we had had parents who believed in us?

[Guest guest]

So true!

On Sun, Dec 16, 2012 at 11:47 PM, Renslow jwjrenslow@...>wrote:

> **

>

>

>

>

> Meikjn: " so I became very withdrawn, and never have understood why people

> feel homesick. honestly I think I have trouble " missing " people even when

> it

> is natural. it is a bit foreign to me. I so often just wanted to be alone

> with my books. which is really sad for a naturally extroverted person. I

> was

> just so ashamed of who I was that I thought it was a burden to be around

> me.

> I used to pray every night for a new personality so people would be nicer

> to

> me. "

>

> I have blacked out huge portions of my childhood/high school as well and

> your posts here have jogged a bunch of things for me. I, too, was ridiculed

> both in my home and at school. I ran across a journal entry from high

> school in some old stuff I found while moving this past week and your post,

> Meikjn, is VERY similar to something I had written. I had stated that I

> didn't believe people liked me and could understand why since I had nothing

> worth while to offer them. I didn't date at all in high school and would

> run away from normal, nice guys because I knew they would find out what a

> loser I was and not want to be around me. I have now moved across states

> twice in 10 years and every time I go I feel no pain at moving away from

> people. Something from the way nadas raise their kids eliminates their

> ability to form proper attachments. At least for me I am constantly

> preparing myself for everyone to leave me so that when they do (or I do by

> moving) there is no pain - only confirmation that I was not important to

> them. How very sad for a bunch of terrific people with so much to

> contribute to be so sure that they are worthless. What amazing things could

> we have accomplished in this world if we had had parents who believed in

> us?

>

>

>

>