Re: Just Had This Dream: BPD Driving, Lack of Hugs, No Empathy

[Guest guest]

Elanais,

The first repeated dream I can remember was that I had to drive my sister and

myself home, nada and fada being absent somehow. Later my sister was absent but

the car would go out of control. That one I still have. I think that driving

the car is a powerful symbol for a child, one that can represent their life and

safety. Hopefully once you have all the distance you need and healing work

completely, nada will no longer be in control of your 'car', and you will stop

having that dream.

--Charlotte

>

> I was taking a nap and just woke up from bad dreams about NADA and felt I

needed to share this with the group. Do you all relate to this?

>

> In my dream, I was with her in the car and began to have a panic attack and

paranoid feelings that we would crash. She was driving too fast and swerving out

of the lane on a neighborhood street. I asked her to pull over and I had to

control my breathing. She did what she has often done and began asking questions

in a rude, criticizing way, and suggested that I tell my therapist to treat me

as if I'm 35. She showed no empathy as a gasped for air and was unable to speak.

She also criticized my contact lenses (which by the way, strangers always

compliment), but then she ended up wearing them minutes later, and I had to tell

her to take them out and give them back to me! She was acting like a hateful

child. It was frightening, painful, frustrating... and I recall telling her " You

know Mom, I love you so very much, but you have made it clear to me, just like

you did to my sister, that you don't love me. You're a bitch! You're mean, and

I'm going to book a flight now. This is the last time you'll ever see me! " She

had nothing to say and disappeared. Crying and exhausted, I went to a nearby

acquaintance, and

>

> Waking up from this dream and thinking for about 10 minutes ... I realized

this is how I felt my ENTIRE LIFE. In my real life, whenever I thought I had

escaped, I hadn't. Whenever NADA had " witch episodes " I flew to my ex's family

home across the country, but it was a nest of NPD freaks, or I flew to Florida

but my FADA's psychopath tendencies came out after, and as teenager I escaped to

NYC, but struggled to survive and endured crime and abuse from coworkers,

roommates, landlords, and lost all vitality with an NPD boyfriend. Now that I

finally have what I need, (good job, great apartment with great roommates), and

I am NC with family, I still feel, daily, that I am not safe, and that

everything will be pulled out from under me. And I dont' trust people. I am

still prepared to be betrayed by anyone, anytime. I struggle to relax and have

to use meditation almost daily, or twice a day, or more. Feeling moments of

happiness is very, very hard work.

>

> Out of all the times I cried in my life, my mom only held me close to her to

comfort me ONCE. I remember I was in middle school, but I don't know what had

upset me. I think my dad was with us, all in the kitchen. Did she only hug me

because my dad was there? Anyway, she was sitting at the kitchen table and I

started crying about something. She grabbed me and pulled my closer to her and I

remember being aware that it was the first time my head had been on her chest. I

was aware in that moment that I had never known this place, and was surprised

how soft it was. Mentally, I was unable to sink into relaxation, because in my

gut, I couldn't trust this strange new world. Was this soft place trying to

trick me into thinking I could feel safe here?

>

> This memory pops up randomly in my mind all the time, and I am still amazed

that being held to my mother's chest was so rare, I didn't know what her body

felt like. I guess I have learned to feel " okay " hugging a few of my closest

friends, but deep deep down, I always feel fear when newer people hug me. It

feels awful thinking about all this!

>

[Guest guest]

For YEARS I would have terrible dreams about beating the snot out of my nada

- I know I've never laid a hand on her in my life but I think it was my

subconscious defending myself against her verbal attacks. I would wake up

horrified and upset that I could have such terrible dreams about my own

mother. Thankful to say, since I've gone NC with her I have not had any of

those dreams anymore. I guess I don't have to defend myself so no need to

work out my aggression. . . .