(2) Re: New Memory Share: the Tag-Teamed Scapegoat

[Guest guest]

First of all thanks so much to everyone who's been responding to this. It means

so much to me. Meijkin, I am sorry you relate so thoroughly--and Annie, I've

often thought my life was Cinderella but without the Prince.

This has become a much huger breakthrough than I understood. I realize that I

am still extremely bound to them, and that I am going to have to change my

mindset and paradigm ENTIRELY. My entire life, I have felt that things were not

right, but that if I could just force myself to accumulate enough power, beauty,

and popularity, that I would then be 'fixed' and everything would magically fall

into place. Without knowing it, I was still trying to participate in their

scheme. I was unwittingly buying into nada's materialism, by wanting the luxury

goods that my sister has, and by wanting the 'status' she has within the

family--because I was confusing those with SAFETY. A child needs an emotional

connection to its mother in order to feel safe in the world. I grew up telling

myself that if I could just become perfect externally, accomplishing all those

things, then I could somehow fill that void. Though I did not understand I was

doing this, I was.

What I did not know is that I STILL have been doing it. I have been no contact

for quite some time--but part of me has been thinking of it as some kindof

holding pattern. Part of me--a big part of me--has been thinking, ok, if I just

get distance and 'safety' from nada, then I will be able to obtain the money and

relationship and power and beauty that I need, and then I will be able to return

to her and I will have the same 'status' that my sister has.

That will NEVER HAPPEN. No matter WHAT I DO, nada and golden sister will always

find a way to make me the scapegoat of the family, the lowest on the totem pole.

ALWAYS.

I look around my place and I see that I have been SO influenced by them. I have

tried to keep it perfectly decorated, perfectly kept up, even in my modest

current means, because that's what THEY do. Nothing has been pure of heart--all

I have done has still LOOKED to them, on the horizon, thinking I could one day

have the 'approval' I needed (even though I was planning to get it by force--by

being so successful that they couldn't possibly deny that I was a real and

actual person).

This is huge, I am still digesting it, I can't believe how materialistic I've

been, but I do forgive myself a little bks nada presented material luxury as the

equivalent of love and safety (and gave it ALL to my sister, but still)...

It's pretty scary stuff, but I'm getting there. I would really emphasize to

those of you who have the instinct to go NC--it takes a long time to make real

progress healing. It has taken me about 5 years of NC and a good bit of therapy

and many, many books and journal entries and posts, to get to this point of

understanding.

Best,

Charlie

[Guest guest]

It's devastating being " unseen " . Good luck! I can relate for sure.

On Sun, Dec 16, 2012 at 7:53 PM, charlottehoneychurch <

charlottehoneychurch@...> wrote:

> **

>

>

> First of all thanks so much to everyone who's been responding to this. It

> means so much to me. Meijkin, I am sorry you relate so thoroughly--and

> Annie, I've often thought my life was Cinderella but without the Prince.

>

> This has become a much huger breakthrough than I understood. I realize

> that I am still extremely bound to them, and that I am going to have to

> change my mindset and paradigm ENTIRELY. My entire life, I have felt that

> things were not right, but that if I could just force myself to accumulate

> enough power, beauty, and popularity, that I would then be 'fixed' and

> everything would magically fall into place. Without knowing it, I was still

> trying to participate in their scheme. I was unwittingly buying into nada's

> materialism, by wanting the luxury goods that my sister has, and by wanting

> the 'status' she has within the family--because I was confusing those with

> SAFETY. A child needs an emotional connection to its mother in order to

> feel safe in the world. I grew up telling myself that if I could just

> become perfect externally, accomplishing all those things, then I could

> somehow fill that void. Though I did not understand I was doing this, I

> was.

>

> What I did not know is that I STILL have been doing it. I have been no

> contact for quite some time--but part of me has been thinking of it as some

> kindof holding pattern. Part of me--a big part of me--has been thinking,

> ok, if I just get distance and 'safety' from nada, then I will be able to

> obtain the money and relationship and power and beauty that I need, and

> then I will be able to return to her and I will have the same 'status' that

> my sister has.

>

> That will NEVER HAPPEN. No matter WHAT I DO, nada and golden sister will

> always find a way to make me the scapegoat of the family, the lowest on the

> totem pole. ALWAYS.

>

> I look around my place and I see that I have been SO influenced by them. I

> have tried to keep it perfectly decorated, perfectly kept up, even in my

> modest current means, because that's what THEY do. Nothing has been pure of

> heart--all I have done has still LOOKED to them, on the horizon, thinking I

> could one day have the 'approval' I needed (even though I was planning to

> get it by force--by being so successful that they couldn't possibly deny

> that I was a real and actual person).

>

> This is huge, I am still digesting it, I can't believe how materialistic

> I've been, but I do forgive myself a little bks nada presented material

> luxury as the equivalent of love and safety (and gave it ALL to my sister,

> but still)...

>

> It's pretty scary stuff, but I'm getting there. I would really emphasize

> to those of you who have the instinct to go NC--it takes a long time to

> make real progress healing. It has taken me about 5 years of NC and a good

> bit of therapy and many, many books and journal entries and posts, to get

> to this point of understanding.

>

> Best,

> Charlie

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Good luck, Charlie, now that you are armed with the truth of what you need

to be satisfied in this life instead of chasing the dream they set up for

you without your even knowing it you have a chance to be free. It will be

your safety net to fall back on (materialism) so keep reminders and read

your journals and post notes everywhere to remind you that YOU ARE WORTHY -

not your things, your toys or how well you keep your home - but your mere

PRESENCE!!

I am being a scrooge this year and not buying FOO Christmas presents. (I'm

NC with nada and enDad but remaining FOO has FLEAS!!) I want the mere

presence of being together to be the worth of the holiday - not what kind of

crap you can buy me and my kids to make yourself worth our time. We all

need to see that the sheer joy of being with people who care about us is of

greater value than gold.