Just Had This Dream: BPD Driving, Lack of Hugs, No Empathy

[Guest guest]

I was taking a nap and just woke up from bad dreams about NADA and felt I needed

to share this with the group. Do you all relate to this?

In my dream, I was with her in the car and began to have a panic attack and

paranoid feelings that we would crash. She was driving too fast and swerving out

of the lane on a neighborhood street. I asked her to pull over and I had to

control my breathing. She did what she has often done and began asking questions

in a rude, criticizing way, and suggested that I tell my therapist to treat me

as if I'm 35. She showed no empathy as a gasped for air and was unable to speak.

She also criticized my contact lenses (which by the way, strangers always

compliment), but then she ended up wearing them minutes later, and I had to tell

her to take them out and give them back to me! She was acting like a hateful

child. It was frightening, painful, frustrating... and I recall telling her " You

know Mom, I love you so very much, but you have made it clear to me, just like

you did to my sister, that you don't love me. You're a bitch! You're mean, and

I'm going to book a flight now. This is the last time you'll ever see me! " She

had nothing to say and disappeared. Crying and exhausted, I went to a nearby

acquaintance, and

Waking up from this dream and thinking for about 10 minutes ... I realized this

is how I felt my ENTIRE LIFE. In my real life, whenever I thought I had escaped,

I hadn't. Whenever NADA had " witch episodes " I flew to my ex's family home

across the country, but it was a nest of NPD freaks, or I flew to Florida but my

FADA's psychopath tendencies came out after, and as teenager I escaped to NYC,

but struggled to survive and endured crime and abuse from coworkers, roommates,

landlords, and lost all vitality with an NPD boyfriend. Now that I finally have

what I need, (good job, great apartment with great roommates), and I am NC with

family, I still feel, daily, that I am not safe, and that everything will be

pulled out from under me. And I dont' trust people. I am still prepared to be

betrayed by anyone, anytime. I struggle to relax and have to use meditation

almost daily, or twice a day, or more. Feeling moments of happiness is very,

very hard work.

Out of all the times I cried in my life, my mom only held me close to her to

comfort me ONCE. I remember I was in middle school, but I don't know what had

upset me. I think my dad was with us, all in the kitchen. Did she only hug me

because my dad was there? Anyway, she was sitting at the kitchen table and I

started crying about something. She grabbed me and pulled my closer to her and I

remember being aware that it was the first time my head had been on her chest. I

was aware in that moment that I had never known this place, and was surprised

how soft it was. Mentally, I was unable to sink into relaxation, because in my

gut, I couldn't trust this strange new world. Was this soft place trying to

trick me into thinking I could feel safe here?

This memory pops up randomly in my mind all the time, and I am still amazed that

being held to my mother's chest was so rare, I didn't know what her body felt

like. I guess I have learned to feel " okay " hugging a few of my closest friends,

but deep deep down, I always feel fear when newer people hug me. It feels awful

thinking about all this!