Re: My mother with severe BPD

December 17, 2012

Welcome to the Group, .

I'm sorry you needed to find us, but, its good to have others who had or still

have a borderline pd parent, to discuss these things with. You are not alone.

There is a key point that its difficult to process, particularly if you are just

now beginning to learn about personality disorders: but this key point is that

we can't change them.

We don't have the power to change the way another adult feels, thinks, or acts.

Your mother is the only one with the power to change herself, to seek therapy

for herself, but she has to first understand and accept that she even has a

problem, and she has to WANT to change herself. The sad reality is that for the

most part, those with personality disorders don't think they even have any

mental health issues, and don't see any need or reason to seek therapy.

Instead, they blame others for causing all their problems and see themselves as

the perpetual victim.

The only power we as KOs (adult children of bpd parents) DO have is to change

our own selves, change the way we respond to our parent's abusive behaviors, by

creating personal boundaries ( " protective fences " ) for ourselves, and enforcing

our personal boundaries consistently with real consequences.

Your bpd mother may or may not include you in her will, that is not something

that you can control; that is her decision.

But you can decide how much if any contact you want with your bpd mother, and

you can decide that (for example) you will choose to cut off calls or visits

with her when she starts in on (for example) being verbally abusive to you.

You might say something like, " Mom, I understand that you are upset, but I won't

stay and listen to you when you call me names and curse at me. So I'm going to

hang up now/leave now. Perhaps we can discuss this tomorrow when you are

calmer. 'Bye now. "

How you choose to manage your relationship with your bpd mother, whether you

choose limited contact with firm boundaries in place, or whether you choose No

Contact (either temporary NC or permanent NC) is a very personal decision.

There isn't any " right " or " wrong " solution, its just about what works best for

you, in your circumstances.

I hope that helps.

-Annie

>

> This is the first time using online messaging, or what ever the real

> term is and it is no surprise that the topic would concern my recovery

> from a mother with BPD my whole life. If I told you that at 47 years of

> age and i am only discovering this topic, but no so much the topic but

> the answer to what i believe I have know my whole life, can you relate.

> I red the book concerning mothers with BPD and finished just as fast. I

> was floored to say the least. My mother is perhaps the typical mother

> who had a terrible childhood, if not the classic case of abandon. The

> vicious cycle continues, please help me understand, I trully believe my

> mother is capable of leaving me out of the will. F

>

December 17, 2012

Hi Annie,

Thank you for you quick reply, and realy choice wording. all these things thing

you talk about are within my grasp. i have have thankfully been in AA recovery

and without a drink or drug for over 5 years as well in phycotherapy for many

years. Where do I begin Annie, I believe I am in good company like suragate

people, who I now know why they were or are in my life. when I look back I now

understand why I am the way I am. The funny thing is I do not blame my bpd mom

and weak father at all for any of countless trouble I have been in or caused. I

do not take from my parents now and have learned with great angsted how hard it

was to separate myself. I ttok charge of my life 5 years ago, and picked myself

up out of the abys, sorry my spelling, and now have some calm and some control,

and a beautifull relationship with my kids 10 and 13, good standing with my x,

but the thing I do not have is a good retaliatory message to fire back with so I

could be understood. I am a very good son, friend, lover fellow man, If you knew

you would say, like my girlfriend say, I sound like Ghandi. My sisiter is would

be consistered the good child, total denial, would never believe what I now

know, and so she does not talk to me either.

I was handed this book by Anne Lawsom, understanding the borderline

mother, I said to the girl who gave it to me, " let me see that " , she was going

through a situation of her own, anyway I read the first few pages, and I could

not believe what i was reading, can you relate. I mean there it was. You know

the phrase, you are not alone, well that should some it up.

Annie, there is some much to say, but i want to take advantage of this recvery

tool and ask questions so I can get anwers or opinions.

Question, why is it that my father could note ever defend me, I know he was

very fearfull of her, i told him to his face he was weak, and I do not even know

why I sid that, but its true,no back me up, because when I seaming ly inquire

about the whys and hows, my mother would flip out, so we never have had any

really indepth converstation about there pasts, and let me tell you, both of

them, had real proplems.

anyway Annie, my father, sister, mother on one team, a me alone, well not

alone, but you know what I mean.

You know whats funny, any one could say to me, , just let it go, but it

does not work that way, I am immersed in the idea continnually turning in my

head, that my mother and/or father would leave me out of the will, for no good

reason except to spite me, and that really make me mad.

> >

> > This is the first time using online messaging, or what ever the real

> > term is and it is no surprise that the topic would concern my recovery

> > from a mother with BPD my whole life. If I told you that at 47 years of

> > age and i am only discovering this topic, but no so much the topic but

> > the answer to what i believe I have know my whole life, can you relate.

> > I red the book concerning mothers with BPD and finished just as fast. I

> > was floored to say the least. My mother is perhaps the typical mother

> > who had a terrible childhood, if not the classic case of abandon. The

> > vicious cycle continues, please help me understand, I trully believe my

> > mother is capable of leaving me out of the will. F

> >

December 17, 2012

I am sorry for you . You will find lots of support here. Lots and

lots of education also

Twyla

From: WTOAdultChildren1

[mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 ] On Behalf Of peterfranks157

Sent: Sunday, December 16, 2012 09:06 PM

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Subject: My mother with severe BPD

This is the first time using online messaging, or what ever the real

term is and it is no surprise that the topic would concern my recovery

from a mother with BPD my whole life. If I told you that at 47 years of

age and i am only discovering this topic, but no so much the topic but

the answer to what i believe I have know my whole life, can you relate.

I red the book concerning mothers with BPD and finished just as fast. I

was floored to say the least. My mother is perhaps the typical mother

who had a terrible childhood, if not the classic case of abandon. The

vicious cycle continues, please help me understand, I trully believe my

mother is capable of leaving me out of the will. F

December 18, 2012

In " Understanding The Borderline Mother " there is a whole section on the kinds

of men who are attracted to and marry a woman with borderline pd. Offhand I

can't remember the designation of each, but its a fairy-tale designation. I

think the Queen bpd marries a King, and the Witch bpd marries a Fisherman. I

haven't read this book recently, so those of you who have please correct me if

I'm wrong, but I believe that the underlying dynamic is that men who were

totally dominated and controlled by all-powerful mothers tend to marry similarly

controlling and domineering women. These men also have a strong impulse to

" rescue " women.

So there are a lot of dysfunctional dynamics going on in relationships with

borderline pd people. Many of us here had or have fathers who are very weak,

non-confrontational, and who enable their bpd wife's negative behaviors.

My own dad was similarly non-confrontational and deferred to my bpd mother.

When she'd lash out at him in anger, he might yell back for a while but then

he'd just leave the house. I can count only three times in my life that I

remember my dad even trying to intervene between my bpd mother and me when she

was in a ballistic rage at me. (To give dad credit, the most severe abuse from

mother happened when dad wasn't there.)

The bottom line is that there is nothing that you can say or do that will " make "

your parents perceptions change, or make their behaviors change. Sometimes when

we change our own selves, that can motivate the person with bpd to *want* to

change their own self, but its not a guarantee. Not by a long shot.

There is no " just the right, clever comeback " to make your mother have a sudden

epiphany of understanding. HOWEVER if your mother says something abusive to

you: if she makes false accusations, if she is critical or demeaning, etc., then

you can state your boundary (such as) " I realize you are upset with me, but I'm

not going to discuss this with you when you curse at me/insult me/cry

hysterically/ make false accusations/etc., so I'm leaving now/hanging up the

phone now. We can perhaps talk about this again later, when you are calmer. "

And you have to do that each and every time, very consistently. Very calmly, in

" adult mode " , not emotionally.

In my opinion you are just going to torture yourself unnecessarily if you are

obsessed with whether your parents are going to put you in their will or not.

If that is a large issue for you, then perhaps that is something you can work on

in therapy. Its not really related to individuating: establishing your own

separate adult identity/un-enmeshing from your bpd parents, or gaining your own

autonomous adult power RE your bpd parents. But perhaps there are others here

in the Group who have input for you RE that particular issue.