Re: A Friday chuckle

[Guest guest]

good for you

 

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Friday, November 2, 2012 3:07 PM

Subject: A Friday chuckle

 

My (ADD) ex once said(a year after my beloved father had died and life was still

a mess) " your relationship w/ your mother is going to be a problem for me " .

6 weeks later he did something that was just the final straw. I told him I was

going for tacos (we were living in Mexico) and I never returned.

We had been together 5 years. Comedy = tragedy + time. That was nearly 5 years

ago and we've had almost no contact since.

A month ago I finally was ready to return an heirloom ring to his mother. He

sent me a lame thank you. I guess I was still pretty pissed about him talking

about my relationship w/ nada cuz this was part of my reply in reference to that

comment:

Your relationship w/ your mother and the way she enables you to think you are

not accountable or responsible for your actions is a problem for everybody.

His sister thanked me privately when I told her.

IreneM wrote:

>Oh, please do rant. One: it makes you feel better and Two: it makes the rest of

us feel better because we know we're not alone when we feel down like this.

>

> I almost did a rant a couple days ago because my husband was upset that I get

tense sometimes. It was a long discussion and the worst thing he said was, " Just

like your mom never realized how her anger affected Dad, I don't think you

realize how your tension affects me. " Crap! Never use nada's name in the same

sentence with mine. I was ready to smack him one LOL. I even said things I've

never said before: I asked him what he wanted from me - does he want me on meds,

does he want a divorce? I've never used the " D " word with him. That's how upset

I was. And it was all because I was feeling edgy while he was driving in the

heavy rain on the freeway. He did veer into the other lane a couple of times and

I jumped. And yes, I do have days when I just feel on edge a bit but I keep my

mouth shut.

>

>Still, like you, I wonder if I'll ever be normal or will I end up being like

her? I'd rather be dead than be like her. I don't scream or rant and rave but I

do feel tense, irritable now and then. Does that mean I'm bad? I don't think so

but conversations like this worry me.

>

>

>>

>> Sorry in advance for the long post...

>>

>> As a KO a high functioning invisible Witch/Hermit BPD mother (whose entire

family also has BPD)and schizoid father, I grew up so incredibly unloved,

ignored and abused that I feel sure I was meant not to have survived, that no

one who grows up that way should be walking around on this earth infecting other

people with the after-effects of this sickness. Not that I would ever self-harm

or encourage that in any way, it's more a question of fundamental worthiness,

that having been that unloved has made me unworthy. Does anyone else ever feel

this way?

>>

>> I have a 2yo daughter with my BPDx, and I am very careful to teach her how

valuable she is, how much I love her, that her emotions matter and how to

regulate them without ignoring them, I take her lots of places that would be fun

for her and just in general make sure to really connect with her all the time. I

love her like crazy and would do anything for her but can't help seeing the

contrast between her upbringing and mine, and feeling very sad and angry at my

parents. Why wasn't I worthy of this kind of love, attention and validation when

I was growing up? Is it too late for me? I am doing my best but I am so sad. It

is almost unbearable. I cut contact with my parents a year and a half ago when

my mother said something nasty to me and I insisted she apologize, which she has

never done before in her life. She steadfastly refuses and so I haven't seen my

parents since. Not that I enjoyed being around her before anyway, but the fact

that she cares so

little about having a relationship with me, even though she knows she is dying

and will die likely within the next year without her daughter in her life,is

heart-breaking.

>>

>> I've seen a number of posts from the board veterans lately discussing how the

BPD's dedication to his/her illness is greater than any other force in their

life, that it's not my fault she is this way, and that there is nothing I can do

about it. That definitely helps me a lot but I am still sad!

>>

>> My daughter is a really happy, well-adjusted, outgoing, cute beyond all

measure toddler, for which I could not be more grateful. But some days when I

look at her I imagine myself at that age (although there are few pictures of me

growing up I've seen a couple, and unsurprisingly we look a lot alike!) and wish

someone had parented me the way I parent her.

>>

>> I'm doing a lot of work with therapists, reading, mediation, yoga, etc. that

has helped a lot but I still have bad days like this one.

>>

>> Does anyone else ever feel this way?

>>

>> A year and a half into the healing process I know enough to know it gets

better, I feel a lot better about my life now overall than I did a year and a

half ago, so I know this emotional storm will pass. But I probably will always

have bad days sometimes.

>>

>> It really helps to have this forum to rant. Thank you for listening.

>>

>

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