Flying Monkey. . .

[Guest guest]

I've been waiting for it. . . my brother was supportive when I 1st went no

contact with my nada because he knows she has big issues but he won't admit what

they are or get interested in learning about BPD. He has a lot more fleas than

I do because he's never married and been dependent on them a lot longer.

So, I finally go the e-mail today about how terrible it was that I was

considering not allowing my nada to see the kids for Christmas. (Him being

anti-Christmas and not making a big deal about it otherwise.) He said I was

" taking this too far " . I expected it, knew it was coming, but still hate to see

it. My brother and I have never been close, by nada's design, so I'm not really

all that hurt by it but was hoping he would not become her flying monkey. I'm

sure both nada and fada have been filling his ears about how terrible I was, but

it is disappointing that he now believes it.

[Guest guest]

This is unfortunate at least you see it for what it is.

On Thu, Dec 20, 2012 at 10:05 AM, wedaskjojo jwjrenslow@...>wrote:

> **

>

>

> I've been waiting for it. . . my brother was supportive when I 1st went no

> contact with my nada because he knows she has big issues but he won't admit

> what they are or get interested in learning about BPD. He has a lot more

> fleas than I do because he's never married and been dependent on them a lot

> longer.

>

> So, I finally go the e-mail today about how terrible it was that I was

> considering not allowing my nada to see the kids for Christmas. (Him being

> anti-Christmas and not making a big deal about it otherwise.) He said I was

> " taking this too far " . I expected it, knew it was coming, but still hate to

> see it. My brother and I have never been close, by nada's design, so I'm

> not really all that hurt by it but was hoping he would not become her

> flying monkey. I'm sure both nada and fada have been filling his ears about

> how terrible I was, but it is disappointing that he now believes it.

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

,

How did you respond to your brother? Have you considered a boundary with him

about what topics are up for discussion, or under which circumstances you would

welcome his advice?

Sveta

>

> I've been waiting for it. . . my brother was supportive when I 1st went no

contact with my nada because he knows she has big issues but he won't admit what

they are or get interested in learning about BPD. He has a lot more fleas than

I do because he's never married and been dependent on them a lot longer.

>

> So, I finally go the e-mail today about how terrible it was that I was

considering not allowing my nada to see the kids for Christmas. (Him being

anti-Christmas and not making a big deal about it otherwise.) He said I was

" taking this too far " . I expected it, knew it was coming, but still hate to see

it. My brother and I have never been close, by nada's design, so I'm not really

all that hurt by it but was hoping he would not become her flying monkey. I'm

sure both nada and fada have been filling his ears about how terrible I was, but

it is disappointing that he now believes it.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Sveta:

I responded via e-mail that although I understand that he is her son and

wants her pain to stop, he also was the one who encouraged me to have

boundaries and because she can't handle them I was forced to go NC with her.

It is interesting to note that I could go 10 months NC and it wouldn't

bother him at all but because it is Christmas I'm supposed to give up my

boundaries. He replied that I was just being mean, but that he would come

over to my house after he saw nada on Christmas Day. Flying Monkey all the

way because I know he chose that time so he could bring me the presents she

bought for the kids. I had a serious discussion with my DH about how we

would handle it if my brother started laying on the guilt in front of the

kids about how wrong it is not to let them see her for Christmas. My DH is

firm that my FOO cannot see the kids alone but thought that he would be

willing to take the kids to some public place without me to at least spend a

little time with the kids. I am firm that I will not be in her presence. I

appreciate that DH is not entirely ready to cut all ties because he doesn't

quite understand BPD yet, however it is my suspicion that if he takes the

kids to see them she will hassle him so much about why I'm NC and act so

waif-ish that it will irritate him. She may then proceed to call him and

bug him about seeing the kids and why can't she have them at her house, etc.

etc. etc. and he will then feel comfortable about going NC altogether. I

would prefer to cut FOO out altogether and pretend they don't exist and just

give the option to the kids to see them when they are 16 and can drive over

by themselves, but I'm okay with letting my DH see for himself that it won't

work. The problem is that the kids get to be yo-yos with the FOO until DH

gets it figured out that contact is just not going to work. It is important

to me that DH sees things for what they really are and I'm not sure I can

convince him without it playing out over time. I am grateful that he

understands my need for complete NC with them and has not pushed me on that

one at all.

BTW - I ordered a copy of Divorcing a Parent and should get it in a couple

weeks. I'll post a review of the book after I read it. I had to order a

used copy from one of Amazon's vendors - new ones are outrageously

expensive!!!

[Guest guest]

I just wanted throw my 2 cents in here with having teenage kids over the age

of 16..

Nada is STILL very dangerous, if not more dangerous, to the health and

function of my family when the kids are over 16 and making their own choice

to see their grandnada.

Teenagers are by nature, rebellious against the opinions of their parents,

and can get sucked in my nada and her flying monkeys quite easily.

Add to that my nada's weapon of choice is buying stuff for the kids and

putting them in the middle.

My nada has pulled out her weird " rescue " move and bought stuff for the kids

that they were saving for themselves, sabotaging my efforts to raise

responsible hard working young men. She is not concerned with their future,

only concerned with how SHE feels at the moment.

And I have seen my oldest son walk on eggshells with her already.(he's 17)

I have been through too much emotional pain every time she decides " She's

done with me " .

Then I am expected to come crawling back to her, which I have done every

time until this last time.

I never want to see my kids feel like that.

I will do everything in my power to keep them at a safe emotional distance

from her.

- Re: Flying Monkey. . .

Sveta:

I responded via e-mail that although I understand that he is her son and

wants her pain to stop, he also was the one who encouraged me to have

boundaries and because she can't handle them I was forced to go NC with her.

It is interesting to note that I could go 10 months NC and it wouldn't

bother him at all but because it is Christmas I'm supposed to give up my

boundaries. He replied that I was just being mean, but that he would come

over to my house after he saw nada on Christmas Day. Flying Monkey all the

way because I know he chose that time so he could bring me the presents she

bought for the kids. I had a serious discussion with my DH about how we

would handle it if my brother started laying on the guilt in front of the

kids about how wrong it is not to let them see her for Christmas. My DH is

firm that my FOO cannot see the kids alone but thought that he would be

willing to take the kids to some public place without me to at least spend a

little time with the kids. I am firm that I will not be in her presence. I

appreciate that DH is not entirely ready to cut all ties because he doesn't

quite understand BPD yet, however it is my suspicion that if he takes the

kids to see them she will hassle him so much about why I'm NC and act so

waif-ish that it will irritate him. She may then proceed to call him and

bug him about seeing the kids and why can't she have them at her house, etc.

etc. etc. and he will then feel comfortable about going NC altogether. I

would prefer to cut FOO out altogether and pretend they don't exist and just

give the option to the kids to see them when they are 16 and can drive over

by themselves, but I'm okay with letting my DH see for himself that it won't

work. The problem is that the kids get to be yo-yos with the FOO until DH

gets it figured out that contact is just not going to work. It is important

to me that DH sees things for what they really are and I'm not sure I can

convince him without it playing out over time. I am grateful that he

understands my need for complete NC with them and has not pushed me on that

one at all.

BTW - I ordered a copy of Divorcing a Parent and should get it in a couple

weeks. I'll post a review of the book after I read it. I had to order a

used copy from one of Amazon's vendors - new ones are outrageously

expensive!!!

[Guest guest]

There have been quite a few posts here at this Group over the years about this

very thing.

Some nadas quite deliberately and methodically attempt to buy the loyalty and

affection of their grandchildren by giving them lavish gifts and even having the

grandchildren compete against each other for grandnada's affection and be her

favorite. Its scary, and its sickening.

Sometimes a grandnada will also attempt to corrupt her grandchild by speaking

badly of one or both parents, positioning herself as a higher authority than the

child's parent(s) which eventually can severely undermine the parent's

authority, causing the child to disrespect their parents and disobey them with

impunity because " Grandma said its OK with her if I do (this or that) or have

this or that privilege; etc. "

That is as dangerous as it is scary and sickening.

So, even though I am not a parent, I can understand why a parent would want to

only allow supervised visitation between a bpd grandparent and grandchild, if

any visiting is allowed at all.

Bpd grandparents really can do a lot of damage even to older children, teenage

and young adult grandkids.

-Annie

>

> I just wanted throw my 2 cents in here with having teenage kids over the age

> of 16..

>

> Nada is STILL very dangerous, if not more dangerous, to the health and

> function of my family when the kids are over 16 and making their own choice

> to see their grandnada.

>

> Teenagers are by nature, rebellious against the opinions of their parents,

> and can get sucked in my nada and her flying monkeys quite easily.

>

> Add to that my nada's weapon of choice is buying stuff for the kids and

> putting them in the middle.

>

> My nada has pulled out her weird " rescue " move and bought stuff for the kids

> that they were saving for themselves, sabotaging my efforts to raise

> responsible hard working young men. She is not concerned with their future,

> only concerned with how SHE feels at the moment.

>

> And I have seen my oldest son walk on eggshells with her already.(he's 17)

>

> I have been through too much emotional pain every time she decides " She's

> done with me " .

>

> Then I am expected to come crawling back to her, which I have done every

> time until this last time.

>

> I never want to see my kids feel like that.

>

> I will do everything in my power to keep them at a safe emotional distance

> from her.

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

> - Re: Flying Monkey. . .

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

> Sveta:

>

>

>

> I responded via e-mail that although I understand that he is her son and

> wants her pain to stop, he also was the one who encouraged me to have

> boundaries and because she can't handle them I was forced to go NC with her.

>

> It is interesting to note that I could go 10 months NC and it wouldn't

> bother him at all but because it is Christmas I'm supposed to give up my

> boundaries. He replied that I was just being mean, but that he would come

> over to my house after he saw nada on Christmas Day. Flying Monkey all the

> way because I know he chose that time so he could bring me the presents she

> bought for the kids. I had a serious discussion with my DH about how we

> would handle it if my brother started laying on the guilt in front of the

> kids about how wrong it is not to let them see her for Christmas. My DH is

> firm that my FOO cannot see the kids alone but thought that he would be

> willing to take the kids to some public place without me to at least spend a

> little time with the kids. I am firm that I will not be in her presence. I

> appreciate that DH is not entirely ready to cut all ties because he doesn't

> quite understand BPD yet, however it is my suspicion that if he takes the

> kids to see them she will hassle him so much about why I'm NC and act so

> waif-ish that it will irritate him. She may then proceed to call him and

> bug him about seeing the kids and why can't she have them at her house, etc.

>

> etc. etc. and he will then feel comfortable about going NC altogether. I

> would prefer to cut FOO out altogether and pretend they don't exist and just

> give the option to the kids to see them when they are 16 and can drive over

> by themselves, but I'm okay with letting my DH see for himself that it won't

> work. The problem is that the kids get to be yo-yos with the FOO until DH

> gets it figured out that contact is just not going to work. It is important

> to me that DH sees things for what they really are and I'm not sure I can

> convince him without it playing out over time. I am grateful that he

> understands my need for complete NC with them and has not pushed me on that

> one at all.

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

> BTW - I ordered a copy of Divorcing a Parent and should get it in a couple

> weeks. I'll post a review of the book after I read it. I had to order a

> used copy from one of Amazon's vendors - new ones are outrageously

> expensive!!!

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

You'll have to tell us how you like the book.

I'm glad you are willing to have boundaries with your brother and your DH is

willing to give you a little support. It is too bad he can't just take your word

for it but still, at least he's got your back.

I think if my sister were acting like your brother I would have to let her know

that I do not go on guilt trips, so she should send someone else. I would not

be willing to continue a conversation that involved that level of manipulation.

Hope you have a happy holiday and that everything goes well.

Sveta

>

>

>

> Sveta:

>

> I responded via e-mail that although I understand that he is her son and

> wants her pain to stop, he also was the one who encouraged me to have

> boundaries and because she can't handle them I was forced to go NC with her.

> It is interesting to note that I could go 10 months NC and it wouldn't

> bother him at all but because it is Christmas I'm supposed to give up my

> boundaries. He replied that I was just being mean, but that he would come

> over to my house after he saw nada on Christmas Day. Flying Monkey all the

> way because I know he chose that time so he could bring me the presents she

> bought for the kids. I had a serious discussion with my DH about how we

> would handle it if my brother started laying on the guilt in front of the

> kids about how wrong it is not to let them see her for Christmas. My DH is

> firm that my FOO cannot see the kids alone but thought that he would be

> willing to take the kids to some public place without me to at least spend a

> little time with the kids. I am firm that I will not be in her presence. I

> appreciate that DH is not entirely ready to cut all ties because he doesn't

> quite understand BPD yet, however it is my suspicion that if he takes the

> kids to see them she will hassle him so much about why I'm NC and act so

> waif-ish that it will irritate him. She may then proceed to call him and

> bug him about seeing the kids and why can't she have them at her house, etc.

> etc. etc. and he will then feel comfortable about going NC altogether. I

> would prefer to cut FOO out altogether and pretend they don't exist and just

> give the option to the kids to see them when they are 16 and can drive over

> by themselves, but I'm okay with letting my DH see for himself that it won't

> work. The problem is that the kids get to be yo-yos with the FOO until DH

> gets it figured out that contact is just not going to work. It is important

> to me that DH sees things for what they really are and I'm not sure I can

> convince him without it playing out over time. I am grateful that he

> understands my need for complete NC with them and has not pushed me on that

> one at all.

>

>

>

> BTW - I ordered a copy of Divorcing a Parent and should get it in a couple

> weeks. I'll post a review of the book after I read it. I had to order a

> used copy from one of Amazon's vendors - new ones are outrageously

> expensive!!!

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>