Received Letter from BPD Mom

December 20, 2012

I haven't posted in a long time. But I need to now. My BPD Mom has thrown a

letter over into our house (rang door bell and ran away but I sensed it was her)

signed " do-gooder " . The gist of it was a rant about how my mother-in-law, who

I'm close to, is a witch, that she casts spells on people, about how my mother

in law has been talking badly about me behind my back for the past year, and

that she said she wished she had never married her son to me...basically, a rant

against my mother in law, signed " do-gooder " . But I knew it was her. I knew it.

I know her handwriting.

I haven't been speaking to her lately. My brother hasn't either. My two sisters

are out of town. My Dad has been under her spell for a long time, he is too

afraid to come and see me unless Mom is out of the country. I showed him the

letter, and he said, you're sure it's her? I said Dad, this is definite, I'm

thinking of taking it to the police, or to the psychiatrist, because this is

" harrassment " and " tarnishing others' reputations with no evidence. " So my Dad's

concern is, please don't go to the police, and if you go to the psychiatrist

tell him not to make his diagnosis part of Mom's permanent record! The nerve my

Dad had saying that. He's dying of fear that others' know how nuts she is. My

Dad is well-known in my country, was in the government for a long time, so he

basically wants to avoid looking bad.

I tried calling the psychiatrist but can't get an appointment till Jan 2nd. Do

you out there have any advice to me about what to do next? How does one respond

to such a psychotic letter? Is this letter representative of psychosis or

neurosis? I've been thinking about this for a week since I got it, and I'm

really sick of her overstepping my boundaries.

Thanks all and Merry Christmas!

N

> I've been waiting for it. . . my brother was supportive when I 1st went no

contact with my nada because he knows she has big issues but he won't admit what

they are or get interested in learning about BPD. He has a lot more fleas than I

do because he's never married and been dependent on them a lot longer.

>

> So, I finally go the e-mail today about how terrible it was that I was

considering not allowing my nada to see the kids for Christmas. (Him being

anti-Christmas and not making a big deal about it otherwise.) He said I was

" taking this too far " . I expected it, knew it was coming, but still hate to see

it. My brother and I have never been close, by nada's design, so I'm not really

all that hurt by it but was hoping he would not become her flying monkey. I'm

sure both nada and fada have been filling his ears about how terrible I was, but

it is disappointing that he now believes it.

>

December 20, 2012

I think that you will find that, unless she makes threats against your

mother-in-law or you in the letter that the police won't take this letter

seriously. A psychiatrist with experience dealing with BPD might find it to be a

serious boundary violation. I hope that your mother has a psychiatrist you can

talk to. If they don't have experience with BPD then they will just chalk it up

to a desperate act to get you, her daughter, to come running to her mother for

comfort after these dastardly revalations about your mother-in-law. If you think

that your BPD mother really believes this nonsence she has written, then there

might be a problem. I know that BPD people can convince themselves of some

pretty outlandish things.

C

>

> > I've been waiting for it. . . my brother was supportive when I 1st went no

contact with my nada because he knows she has big issues but he won't admit what

they are or get interested in learning about BPD. He has a lot more fleas than I

do because he's never married and been dependent on them a lot longer.

> >

> > So, I finally go the e-mail today about how terrible it was that I was

considering not allowing my nada to see the kids for Christmas. (Him being

anti-Christmas and not making a big deal about it otherwise.) He said I was

" taking this too far " . I expected it, knew it was coming, but still hate to see

it. My brother and I have never been close, by nada's design, so I'm not really

all that hurt by it but was hoping he would not become her flying monkey. I'm

sure both nada and fada have been filling his ears about how terrible I was, but

it is disappointing that he now believes it.

> >

>

December 20, 2012

What I'd do is put that letter away, along with a written record

of what happened. Apart from that I'd ignore it. Responding to

it would be playing right into her desire for attention and

drama. Either she knows the stuff she wrote is untrue and is

trying to get a rise out of you or she's seriously delusional

and thinks it is true. When people with BPD are delusional, it

is generally because they want to believe their delusions so

you're not going to talk her out of them. Letting this letter

bother you is letting her win to some degree. Remember,

boundaries are for you, not her. If you don't want to read

letters that she throws into your home, then don't read them.

Put them in a box unread if you want to accumulate evidence of

her behavior. Otherwise you can throw them away or burn them

without ever looking at them. You can't control what she does

but you can control how you react to it.

I wonder what you expect the police or a psychiatrist to do with

that letter? You may be hoping for something unrealistic. In

order for the police to do anything there usually has to be some

law-breaking involved, or at least a threat of law-breaking. I

don't know where you are, but saying unpleasant and untrue

things about a third party in a private letter generally isn't

breaking the law in the US. Ringing the doorbell and leaving a

non-threatening letter behind probably doesn't violate any law

here either, at least not as a one-time event. That type of

thing may become harassment or stalking if it happens repeatedly

though. Are there laws that this behavior breaks wherever you

are? Is the psychiatrist you're thinking of showing it to

treating you or her? If he's treating her, it might be useful

for him to see it but don't count on him doing anything about

it. If she's fooling a psychiatrist, an unsigned letter is

probably not going to convince him that she has a problem

because she'll probably deny having anything to do with it. If

he's treating you, it provides good evidence of the kind of

things she does. Either way, I have a hard time imagining a

competent doctor making a diagnosis based on one unsigned letter

so your dad's comments about not letting him make his diagnosis

part of her record seem overblown. You need to do what is right

for you, not for him. He's made the choice to stay with her and

thus he'll have to deal with any consequences that arise from

that decision.

At 10:30 AM 12/20/2012 N wrote:

>I haven't posted in a long time. But I need to now. My BPD Mom

>has thrown a letter over into our house (rang door bell and ran

>away but I sensed it was her) signed " do-gooder " . The gist of

>it was a rant about how my mother-in-law, who I'm close to, is

>a witch, that she casts spells on people, about how my mother

>in law has been talking badly about me behind my back for the

>past year, and that she said she wished she had never married

>her son to me...basically, a rant against my mother in law,

>signed " do-gooder " . But I knew it was her. I knew it. I know

>her handwriting.

>

>I haven't been speaking to her lately. My brother hasn't

>either. My two sisters are out of town. My Dad has been under

>her spell for a long time, he is too afraid to come and see me

>unless Mom is out of the country. I showed him the letter, and

>he said, you're sure it's her? I said Dad, this is definite,

>I'm thinking of taking it to the police, or to the

>psychiatrist, because this is " harrassment " and " tarnishing

>others' reputations with no evidence. " So my Dad's concern is,

>please don't go to the police, and if you go to the

>psychiatrist tell him not to make his diagnosis part of Mom's

>permanent record! The nerve my Dad had saying that. He's dying

>of fear that others' know how nuts she is. My Dad is well-known

>in my country, was in the government for a long time, so he

>basically wants to avoid looking bad.

>

>I tried calling the psychiatrist but can't get an appointment

>till Jan 2nd. Do you out there have any advice to me about what

>to do next? How does one respond to such a psychotic letter? Is

>this letter representative of psychosis or neurosis? I've been

>thinking about this for a week since I got it, and I'm really

>sick of her overstepping my boundaries.

>

>Thanks all and Merry Christmas!

>N

>

--

Katrina

December 20, 2012

Thanks so much for your support C!

Yes, I feel better already, knowing I have a community who understand.

You're right, the police are not going to take this seriously.

I do have a psychiatrist who she has seen in the past and who diagnosed her as

BPD. I think that this is whom I should contact. First appointment Jan 2nd, so I

guess I'll wait.

If she does believe what she's written, do you think she has crossed into

neurosis or psychosis?

Any input from anyone who this has happened to?

Thanks all!

N

> I think that you will find that, unless she makes threats against your