Welcome Ilenesam (was: Re: Guilt for Xmas)

[Guest guest]

Welcome to the Group, Ilenesam,

It really can help (at least, it helped me) to discover that there were quite a

lot of other people out there in the world who were experiencing really,

uncannily similar behaviors and treatment from their mother that I was

experiencing from mine. (My bpd/npd mother is deceased now.) It helped me a LOT

to realize and accept that I wasn't causing my mother to act the way she did,

and that I didn't deserve to be treated like that. Like yours, my bpd mother

acted like a " Witch " sometimes (a combination of borderline pd + antisocial pd.)

One of the things I recommend to new Group members is to educate yourself as

much as possible about borderline personality disorder.

There are a lot of good books out there now about bpd; there is an extensive

reading list at the home site of this Group (at bpdcentral.com). The book that

helped me the most was " Understanding The Borderline Mother " by

Lawson, but there are other really good ones too. The owner of this Group,

Randi Kreger, co-authored both " Stop Walking on Eggshells " and the newer " The

Essential Family Guide to BPD. "

Bottom line: we as the adult children of parents with bpd have been conditioned

to believe that we are responsible for how our bpd parent feels; we've been

handed the job of keeping bpd mother happy. One of our main tasks as KOs (adult

children of bpd parents) is to unburden ourselves of that inappropriate and

misplaced belief that that is our job and its not easy.

We've also been conditioned to just accept bpd mother's unwarranted, undeserved

abusive treatment of us. Its really hard to work past that conditioning also,

but its doable. In my opinion, the most effective way to do this is to learn

that its OK to set boundaries or rules for ourselves regarding what nasty,

negative behaviors of theirs we will choose to tolerate or not tolerate. And

then, if one or more of our boundaries/protective fences are crossed, learning

that its OK to enact a consequence.

So, for example, you could decide that one of your boundaries is " I will not

tolerate my mother criticizing my appearance. " So if your bpd mother (or

" nada " , shorthand for mother with bpd) makes an insulting comment to you about

your appearance, you immediately enact a consequence, such as. " Mom, I won't

listen to you/continue this visit when you criticize the way I look. So, I'm

going to hang up the phone now/leave now. We can visit again later/ talk at

some other time about other things, but that topic is off the table for

discussion. 'Bye now, talk to you later. "

That sort of thing. Since your bpd mother already knows that you really dislike

it when she criticizes your appearance, and you have already asked her to stop

doing it, the issue NOW is to give her a real consequence that she won't like

each and every time she does this, immediately, in a very, very consistent way.

Its like training a small dog or a toddler: you must be firm, consistent, and

adult about it (calm, rational, in control of the situation.)

Its not easy.

So the actual, underlying reason she behaves that way is less important than

dealing with her negative behavior in the moment, as it happens.

There could be any number of complex, twisted psychological reasons why your

mother says ugly, cruel things to you. Perhaps she is angry at you for some

reason and criticizing your appearance is a way of expressing her anger at you

in a covert, passive-aggressive or indirect way. Or it could be that she feels

insecure or inferior about her own appearance and she's projecting that unwanted

feeling about herself onto you, because in her mind you ARE her. Or it could be

other reasons, or several reasons at the same time.

So, anyway. That's a lot of information to digest; there's more, but I'll stop

now. But I do want to emphasize that you've found a Group of people who totally

" get it " , we've been through or are going through really similar experiences,

and its good to get the input and insights of others who are in that same boat

with you.

Welcome. Its a great Group; I hope you will find as much peace and healing here

as I have.

-Annie

>

> I am a new member and already can relate to alot of the comments. I have an

elderly mother who presents a wonderful face to the world, but attacks me with

critism about how I look out of the blue. I am attractive and in good shape. Is

it that she needs to project her self-hate that she can't own onto me? How do

you respond. This has been gong on for years. If I say " stop it " she replies

" Don't ger nasty. My dad recently passed away and he validated her MI by saying

to me " she is two people " Like a witch

[Guest guest]

Thank you so much for the detailed explanation. You have helped guide me as to

the " next steps " that I need to take. But, how do you handle the " rage " that

will be directed at me for setting these boundaries?  Just walk away ? I now

understand that setting boundaries is the only way to protect onesself. The

complicating factor is that since she is recently widowed I do feel guilty 

because she is 87 yrs old and alone, and I am ruly fearful of her rages. She

once threatened to stab my father. My therapist said there is no need to fear

that she will act act -that I am not a child, and as an adult can protect

myself.  Apparently that was just a temper tamtrum gone wild.

 

I did read the books. and for the first time realized that she has a true

personality disturbance. I believe she is a " Queen/Witch " type. I am thrilled to

be a part of this group. No one understands how someone who can present one face

to the world can have aother horrid face. My dad, before he passed away gave me

this gift- he said " she has two faces and is getting worse "  

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Monday, December 24, 2012 2:05 PM

Subject: Welcome Ilenesam (was: Re: Guilt for Xmas)

 

Welcome to the Group, Ilenesam,

It really can help (at least, it helped me) to discover that there were quite a

lot of other people out there in the world who were experiencing really,

uncannily similar behaviors and treatment from their mother that I was

experiencing from mine. (My bpd/npd mother is deceased now.) It helped me a LOT

to realize and accept that I wasn't causing my mother to act the way she did,

and that I didn't deserve to be treated like that. Like yours, my bpd mother

acted like a " Witch " sometimes (a combination of borderline pd + antisocial pd.)

One of the things I recommend to new Group members is to educate yourself as

much as possible about borderline personality disorder.

There are a lot of good books out there now about bpd; there is an extensive

reading list at the home site of this Group (at bpdcentral.com). The book that

helped me the most was " Understanding The Borderline Mother " by

Lawson, but there are other really good ones too. The owner of this Group,

Randi Kreger, co-authored both " Stop Walking on Eggshells " and the newer " The

Essential Family Guide to BPD. "

Bottom line: we as the adult children of parents with bpd have been conditioned

to believe that we are responsible for how our bpd parent feels; we've been

handed the job of keeping bpd mother happy. One of our main tasks as KOs (adult

children of bpd parents) is to unburden ourselves of that inappropriate and

misplaced belief that that is our job and its not easy.

We've also been conditioned to just accept bpd mother's unwarranted, undeserved

abusive treatment of us. Its really hard to work past that conditioning also,

but its doable. In my opinion, the most effective way to do this is to learn

that its OK to set boundaries or rules for ourselves regarding what nasty,

negative behaviors of theirs we will choose to tolerate or not tolerate. And

then, if one or more of our boundaries/protective fences are crossed, learning

that its OK to enact a consequence.

So, for example, you could decide that one of your boundaries is " I will not

tolerate my mother criticizing my appearance. " So if your bpd mother (or

" nada " , shorthand for mother with bpd) makes an insulting comment to you about

your appearance, you immediately enact a consequence, such as. " Mom, I won't

listen to you/continue this visit when you criticize the way I look. So, I'm

going to hang up the phone now/leave now. We can visit again later/ talk at

some other time about other things, but that topic is off the table for

discussion. 'Bye now, talk to you later. "

That sort of thing. Since your bpd mother already knows that you really dislike

it when she criticizes your appearance, and you have already asked her to stop

doing it, the issue NOW is to give her a real consequence that she won't like

each and every time she does this, immediately, in a very, very consistent way.

Its like training a small dog or a toddler: you must be firm, consistent, and

adult about it (calm, rational, in control of the situation.)

Its not easy.

So the actual, underlying reason she behaves that way is less important than

dealing with her negative behavior in the moment, as it happens.

There could be any number of complex, twisted psychological reasons why your

mother says ugly, cruel things to you. Perhaps she is angry at you for some

reason and criticizing your appearance is a way of expressing her anger at you

in a covert, passive-aggressive or indirect way. Or it could be that she feels

insecure or inferior about her own appearance and she's projecting that unwanted

feeling about herself onto you, because in her mind you ARE her. Or it could be

other reasons, or several reasons at the same time.

So, anyway. That's a lot of information to digest; there's more, but I'll stop

now. But I do want to emphasize that you've found a Group of people who totally

" get it " , we've been through or are going through really similar experiences,

and its good to get the input and insights of others who are in that same boat

with you.

Welcome. Its a great Group; I hope you will find as much peace and healing here

as I have.

-Annie

>

> I am a new member and already can relate to alot of the comments. I have an

elderly mother who presents a wonderful face to the world, but attacks me with

critism about how I look out of the blue. I am attractive and in good shape. Is

it that she needs to project her self-hate that she can't own onto me? How do

you respond. This has been gong on for years. If I say " stop it " she replies

" Don't ger nasty. My dad recently passed away and he validated her MI by saying

to me " she is two people " Like a witch