Welcome Ilenesam (was: Re: Guilt for Xmas)

[Guest guest]

You are allowed to set the personal boundaries you need to in order to protect

yourself, without guilt.

You are NOT responsible for your mother's feelings, including her rage. If you

set a personal boundary and your mother violates it, and you initiate the

consequence, and your mother becomes enraged at you, that is NOT your fault.

You don't have to " fix " it.

Its not your job to soothe her, keep her on an even keel, keep her happy, or

manage her feelings for her. NOT your job.

Its possible to supervise your bpd mother's physical needs (if you so choose)

without also taking on the responsibility of her emotional needs.

If your nada rages at you, you can say something like, " Mother, I understand

that you are angry with me, but I won't listen to you when you are screaming

abuse at me /calling me names /physically attacking me /threatening me/ etc. So

I'm going to hang up the phone now/ leave now. We can try talking about this at

some other time, when you are calmer. 'Bye. "

But you have to be really, really consistent. Calm, cool, collected, in charge;

basically, you are the only adult in the room. Even so, your mother may never

change; that is a distinct possibility, but that isn't your fault either.

Keep reminding yourself that you are NOT your mother's " mommy " and you are NOT

her therapist. You are also NOT her emotional punching bag. Your mother is an

adult, its her responsibility to manage her own feelings and take care of her

own emotional needs, and her own physical needs (until she is declared too

mentally and/or physically incompetent to do so by her doctor.)

You could perhaps suggest to your mother when she is relatively calm and

rational, something like, " Mother, I can see and hear that you are hurting.

I'm guessing that you are feeling really sad, alone, and maybe scared since dad

died. But I'm not a professional therapist, I can't help you learn how to

manage those feelings and process your loss as you go through the stages of

grieving. I hope you will call your doctor and ask him/her to recommend a

therapist who can help you with these sad, scary feelings. "

Something along those lines.

Its up to you to decide to not accept a misplaced and inappropriate burden

(guilt) that is not yours to carry. That's part of a healthier and more adult

level of emotional detachment from your bpd mother, as opposed to an enmeshed,

codependent relationship with her.

You can feel pity and compassion for your bpd mother, and you can be a

" cheerleader " in her efforts to get psychological help for herself, IF you can

do this WITHOUT succumbing to FOG: or Fear, Obligation, and Guilt.

Your bpd mother is the only person with the power to seek help for herself

psychologically; you have the power to encourage her, if you wish to and you can

do so with safety.

Each situation, each bpd mother/non bpd child relationship is unique and has

unique circumstances to deal with. You get to choose whatever path seems to be

the most workable for you, in your own circumstances.

Do you have access to a therapist in your area who has experience treating the

adult children of Cluster B parents? Or one who has experience with helping

patients overcome chronic trauma (complex-ptsd). Or experience treating the

adult children of alcoholic/druggie parents? All those situations do similar

kinds of emotional damage to kids.

I hope that helps.

Note: it really does take time for the information we read in the books, and the

comments we read here, to actually sink in. It takes time to emotionally

process this stuff, its heavy-duty.

As our member Doug says, be gentle with yourself as you go through this

processing and assimilation time. It truly is a radical shift in thinking. Its

like gaining a whole new perspective; think of what it looks like and feels like

when you are struggling in the ocean, being knocked around by the waves,

compared to what the ocean looks like and how it feels to stand on a hill

overlooking the ocean. The ocean hasn't changed, the waves are still there, but

you are now seeing it from a completely different perspective.

It takes time.

-Annie

>

> Thank you so much for the detailed explanation. You have helped guide me as to

the " next steps " that I need to take. But, how do you handle the " rage " that

will be directed at me for setting these boundaries?  Just walk away ? I now

understand that setting boundaries is the only way to protect onesself. The

complicating factor is that since she is recently widowed I do feel guilty 

because she is 87 yrs old and alone, and I am ruly fearful of her rages. She

once threatened to stab my father. My therapist said there is no need to fear

that she will act act -that I am not a child, and as an adult can protect

myself.  Apparently that was just a temper tamtrum gone wild.

>  

> I did read the books. and for the first time realized that she has a true

personality disturbance. I believe she is a " Queen/Witch " type. I am thrilled to

be a part of this group. No one understands how someone who can present one face

to the world can have aother horrid face. My dad, before he passed away gave me

this gift- he said " she has two faces and is getting worse "  

[Guest guest]

HI,

I just wanted to throw my two cents in for this too. It's what I have to do,

still, because it never ends. All you can do is control yourself and stay in

'medium chill.' You do not have to remain in the trained/groomed condition of

Fear Obligation Guilt! She will never change, but YOU can, and your life can

too. I completely agree with what Annie suggested in the previous post. I do

this too, still. I find that I have to practice what I will say in my mind and

out loud lots of times to prepare for the episodes. Cuz they will come =(! It's

ok to stand up for yourself and to ask for humane treatment! Glad to have you

here, I hope you find as much support and help here as I have found.

Thanks group!

[Guest guest]

,

Cannot tell you how important these comments have been to me. Now that I KNOW

she is disturbed, I look forward to learning from the group. She is truly " two

people " But now I know.

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Wednesday, December 26, 2012 3:08 PM

Subject: Re: Welcome Ilenesam (was: Re: Guilt for Xmas)

 

HI,

I just wanted to throw my two cents in for this too. It's what I have to do,

still, because it never ends. All you can do is control yourself and stay in

'medium chill.' You do not have to remain in the trained/groomed condition of

Fear Obligation Guilt! She will never change, but YOU can, and your life can

too. I completely agree with what Annie suggested in the previous post. I do

this too, still. I find that I have to practice what I will say in my mind and

out loud lots of times to prepare for the episodes. Cuz they will come =(! It's

ok to stand up for yourself and to ask for humane treatment! Glad to have you

here, I hope you find as much support and help here as I have found.

Thanks group!