Guest guest Posted December 25, 2012 Report Share Posted December 25, 2012 (clinking my glass with yours) Cheers! My heart was warmed and filled with good cheer when I got a call from my Sister; we talked for quite a while. Then this morning I got a call from her son/my nephew and his family. Their three-year-old was so excited over his new toys, his little baby voice was so sweet. Then I had a relaxing day of watching movies, making popcorn, indulging in my favorite foods and just chillin' out. This is my second Christmas without nada; she died just before Christmas of 2011. As the anniversary date of her death approached, and Sister and I carried through with the scattering of our mother's ashes, I felt like I was starting to really get over the hump of my grieving for nada. But nada had left a hidden (emotional) land-mine for me to find. Her last act of revenge; her last " got you back. " Nada had been writing a therapy journal which Sister and I found as we were continuing to sort through stacks of nada's possessions. In this journal, my mother wrote that she had to admit that she had never even liked me, not at any point in time. Some 20 years ago she had actually shared with me herself that she felt that as an infant I had hated her and rejected her as a mother, but I thought nada had gotten past that and realized that I loved her. But she wrote in her journal that no, actually she'd never stopped feeling that way about me. Nada's perception of me was that I was cold and distant toward her. She also wrote that she had never loved dad and had married him against her better judgement, and yet she also felt she " had to " stay married to him after she'd had us kids. So... all that was sort of the equivalent of a car bomb RE my healing journey. I felt I needed to be alone this Christmas/New Years to process that. At least my own gut feelings/instinct that I was unloved were validated; I felt that dad liked me, but I was steeped in denial RE nada. Although it was pretty obvious that my nada identified with my Sister and was able to love her, I needed to believe that underneath the abusive words and behaviors, that my mother loved me. Nope! So, part of my healing journey is the process of forgiving myself for wasting all those decades deluding myself, letting go, and moving ahead. I'm enjoying my peaceful Christmas; I think I needed it. -Annie > > Today is Christmas. I'm not going to say that the first holiday season after nada's death has been easy, but I am here to say that it has been liberating and somewhat beautiful. > > Recently one of my former student's mother's gave me a little gift of mulling spices and for the first time since 1979 I've made Wassail, my mother's favorite holiday punch. Okay, so she would spike it with whatever alcohol was handy, get drunk and make a scene but, my fruit juice version tastes heavenly and fills my California kitchen with the scents of the old Kentucky farm house. I've reclaimed a tradition I allowed my mother to rob from me and I'm enjoying it even if my husband won't touch it! Therein lays my insight. Holiday traditions don't have to include dozens of in-laws, large crowds of friends, costly travel or lavish gifts. Holiday traditions are the things you chose to do year after year because they are meaningful and warm your heart. So turn on IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE, bake cookies, call your best friend, go drop a warm coat in the Salvation Army collection box, or order Chinese food and devour it in your bathrobe. Do what feels right to you. You aren't missing anything that's real. You are missing what your mind tells you that you don't or can't have. Therefore, I hereby by grant you the gift of being allowed to turn off that nightmare voice. Go ahead, blame it on me. Turn off that voice and go turn on the carols. Do what you want to do. Make some new traditions. Don't be afraid to live. After all, we've already survived one of the worst things that can happen in life. Don't we deserve a little joy? Virgin Wassail anyone? > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 25, 2012 Report Share Posted December 25, 2012 Hi Annie, My heart goes out to you....I don't know exactly what to say.....  I am sorry that you had to read that.  But I am grateful that you found out the truth.  Maybe it's a mixed 'blessing' that you found out - now - so that you can 'heal' and get through the grief process. I think that what you share sends a message to all of us who are still looking for snippets of a mother inside of a nada. It's been an OK Xmas.  This afternoon I've been 'processing' why I have not seen nada in 14 years, what it was like living with her when I returned from college in my 20s and she would dig her nails into my arms and scar them and pull my hair and punch me for no reason.  I started remembering everything that she has done and said and how she drove me away and did not want to see me.  And I remember fada tellling me that there was something really wrong with her, as he was dying.  And my grandmother also told me the same thing. So did all her relatives.  It's just all coming back to me.  She is crazy.  It's like I'm waking up....I wish that I could go to sleep. Thank God Xmas is almost over! Hugs, - ________________________________ To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Tuesday, December 25, 2012 5:51 PM Subject: Re: Holiday Insights  (clinking my glass with yours) Cheers! My heart was warmed and filled with good cheer when I got a call from my Sister; we talked for quite a while. Then this morning I got a call from her son/my nephew and his family. Their three-year-old was so excited over his new toys, his little baby voice was so sweet. Then I had a relaxing day of watching movies, making popcorn, indulging in my favorite foods and just chillin' out. This is my second Christmas without nada; she died just before Christmas of 2011. As the anniversary date of her death approached, and Sister and I carried through with the scattering of our mother's ashes, I felt like I was starting to really get over the hump of my grieving for nada. But nada had left a hidden (emotional) land-mine for me to find. Her last act of revenge; her last " got you back. " Nada had been writing a therapy journal which Sister and I found as we were continuing to sort through stacks of nada's possessions. In this journal, my mother wrote that she had to admit that she had never even liked me, not at any point in time. Some 20 years ago she had actually shared with me herself that she felt that as an infant I had hated her and rejected her as a mother, but I thought nada had gotten past that and realized that I loved her. But she wrote in her journal that no, actually she'd never stopped feeling that way about me. Nada's perception of me was that I was cold and distant toward her. She also wrote that she had never loved dad and had married him against her better judgement, and yet she also felt she " had to " stay married to him after she'd had us kids. So... all that was sort of the equivalent of a car bomb RE my healing journey. I felt I needed to be alone this Christmas/New Years to process that. At least my own gut feelings/instinct that I was unloved were validated; I felt that dad liked me, but I was steeped in denial RE nada. Although it was pretty obvious that my nada identified with my Sister and was able to love her, I needed to believe that underneath the abusive words and behaviors, that my mother loved me. Nope! So, part of my healing journey is the process of forgiving myself for wasting all those decades deluding myself, letting go, and moving ahead. I'm enjoying my peaceful Christmas; I think I needed it. -Annie > > Today is Christmas. I'm not going to say that the first holiday season after nada's death has been easy, but I am here to say that it has been liberating and somewhat beautiful. > > Recently one of my former student's mother's gave me a little gift of mulling spices and for the first time since 1979 I've made Wassail, my mother's favorite holiday punch. Okay, so she would spike it with whatever alcohol was handy, get drunk and make a scene but, my fruit juice version tastes heavenly and fills my California kitchen with the scents of the old Kentucky farm house. I've reclaimed a tradition I allowed my mother to rob from me and I'm enjoying it even if my husband won't touch it! Therein lays my insight. Holiday traditions don't have to include dozens of in-laws, large crowds of friends, costly travel or lavish gifts. Holiday traditions are the things you chose to do year after year because they are meaningful and warm your heart. So turn on IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE, bake cookies, call your best friend, go drop a warm coat in the Salvation Army collection box, or order Chinese food and devour it in your bathrobe. Do what feels right to you. You aren't missing anything that's real. You are missing what your mind tells you that you don't or can't have. Therefore, I hereby by grant you the gift of being allowed to turn off that nightmare voice. Go ahead, blame it on me. Turn off that voice and go turn on the carols. Do what you want to do. Make some new traditions. Don't be afraid to live. After all, we've already survived one of the worst things that can happen in life. Don't we deserve a little joy? Virgin Wassail anyone? > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 26, 2012 Report Share Posted December 26, 2012 This was our first Christmas without our dutiful visit to Nada. She's still alive but she cut all contact with us. Funny how it makes me feel like a naughty child sent to her room for misbehaving. But my mind knows it's because of her paranoia and hatred, nothing I've done. On to the point: you mention that you made your own wassail, that it was your mother's favorite holiday punch. How have you found the way to enjoy something so normal, so good when there's a tie to nada? I find myself cringing every time I see something that has a memory tied to her. And that adds up to a lot. Everything from driving by Taco Bell, to seeing certain items in the grocery store, to things around my house that she's given me over the years. The stuff around the house I've been pulling and putting downstairs out of sight. My gut tells me to dump it all at Goodwill. I noticed this morning our toaster is gone. I think my husband was sickened by that knowing nada bought it for him last year. The only reason I haven't dumped everything is because I'm still a bit emotionally raw from her hateful behavior and this desire is just impulse. Many of the things from her are practical (sweatshirts, certain kitchen items) and it seems foolish to get rid of them. But any tie to her makes me want to barf. How do you make normal things normal again? > > Today is Christmas. I'm not going to say that the first holiday season after nada's death has been easy, but I am here to say that it has been liberating and somewhat beautiful. > > Recently one of my former student's mother's gave me a little gift of mulling spices and for the first time since 1979 I've made Wassail, my mother's favorite holiday punch. Okay, so she would spike it with whatever alcohol was handy, get drunk and make a scene but, my fruit juice version tastes heavenly and fills my California kitchen with the scents of the old Kentucky farm house. I've reclaimed a tradition I allowed my mother to rob from me and I'm enjoying it even if my husband won't touch it! Therein lays my insight. Holiday traditions don't have to include dozens of in-laws, large crowds of friends, costly travel or lavish gifts. Holiday traditions are the things you chose to do year after year because they are meaningful and warm your heart. So turn on IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE, bake cookies, call your best friend, go drop a warm coat in the Salvation Army collection box, or order Chinese food and devour it in your bathrobe. Do what feels right to you. You aren't missing anything that's real. You are missing what your mind tells you that you don't or can't have. Therefore, I hereby by grant you the gift of being allowed to turn off that nightmare voice. Go ahead, blame it on me. Turn off that voice and go turn on the carols. Do what you want to do. Make some new traditions. Don't be afraid to live. After all, we've already survived one of the worst things that can happen in life. Don't we deserve a little joy? Virgin Wassail anyone? > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 26, 2012 Report Share Posted December 26, 2012 Hello Irene, Well, " Time wounds all Heels " and it has been 30 years since I made Wassail! *Giggle!* Honest answer? I did it because I wanted to, I was ready, and because after 4 and half months of getting past her death and the legal Hell Hole she created, I am finally ready. The only things that are holding me back now are my own thoughts and actions. These are things I CAN change. Mother is no longer around to hurt me. The FLEAS will die off if I don't allow them to suck my life's blood and rob me of my joy. The change to being normal takes a lot of effort. Donate or give away anything you need to get rid of. Feel no guilt about it. Then careful watch your thoughts and feelings. Don't allow yourself to wallow in hate, self-pity, or those dangerous " would of, " " could of, " " should ofs. " In the moive Red Tails a line is spoken thus, " You've made one big mistake. That self pity of yours is your weakness. But it ends right here, right now. You man up and lead your squad. Not every decision you make is going to be the right one. " I'm holding onto that wisdom and living my life. I'll forgive myself if and when that need be but, I will not allow BPD to rob away one minute more. I don't think I have found normal yet but I am also aware that I have never lived in a " normal state " and may not know what one looks like. This might be as good as it gets, and if so, it isn't half bad! Happy New Year! MB Re: Holiday Insights This was our first Christmas without our dutiful visit to Nada. She's still alive but she cut all contact with us. Funny how it makes me feel like a naughty child sent to her room for misbehaving. But my mind knows it's because of her paranoia and hatred, nothing I've done. On to the point: you mention that you made your own wassail, that it was your mother's favorite holiday punch. How have you found the way to enjoy something so normal, so good when there's a tie to nada? I find myself cringing every time I see something that has a memory tied to her. And that adds up to a lot. Everything from driving by Taco Bell, to seeing certain items in the grocery store, to things around my house that she's given me over the years. The stuff around the house I've been pulling and putting downstairs out of sight. My gut tells me to dump it all at Goodwill. I noticed this morning our toaster is gone. I think my husband was sickened by that knowing nada bought it for him last year. The only reason I haven't dumped everything is because I'm still a bit emotionally raw from her hateful behavior and this desire is just impulse. Many of the things from her are practical (sweatshirts, certain kitchen items) and it seems foolish to get rid of them. But any tie to her makes me want to barf. How do you make normal things normal again? > > Today is Christmas. I'm not going to say that the first holiday season after nada's death has been easy, but I am here to say that it has been liberating and somewhat beautiful. > > Recently one of my former student's mother's gave me a little gift of mulling spices and for the first time since 1979 I've made Wassail, my mother's favorite holiday punch. Okay, so she would spike it with whatever alcohol was handy, get drunk and make a scene but, my fruit juice version tastes heavenly and fills my California kitchen with the scents of the old Kentucky farm house. I've reclaimed a tradition I allowed my mother to rob from me and I'm enjoying it even if my husband won't touch it! Therein lays my insight. Holiday traditions don't have to include dozens of in-laws, large crowds of friends, costly travel or lavish gifts. Holiday traditions are the things you chose to do year after year because they are meaningful and warm your heart. So turn on IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE, bake cookies, call your best friend, go drop a warm coat in the Salvation Army collection box, or order Chinese food and devour it in your bathrobe. Do what feels right to you. You aren't missing anything that's real. You are missing what your mind tells you that you don't or can't have. Therefore, I hereby by grant you the gift of being allowed to turn off that nightmare voice. Go ahead, blame it on me. Turn off that voice and go turn on the carols. Do what you want to do. Make some new traditions. Don't be afraid to live. After all, we've already survived one of the worst things that can happen in life. Don't we deserve a little joy? Virgin Wassail anyone? > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 26, 2012 Report Share Posted December 26, 2012 Irene: You have to do what's best for you (and your financial situation) but I have found it immensely healing to believe that I'm worthy of things that have no tie to Nada/BPDxh and so I have purged those physical things that serve as reminders. Even though it seems stupid to other people. Even though to them it seems like a waste of money, I am worthy of not being reminded of these toxic people. It's not only liberating but self-validating. Imagine how it would feel in your body to actually go through the process of throwing those material things out- and imagine how often you'll look back on that moment and how worthy you'll feel when that happens. Then imagine how much you'd be willing to pay for that feeling- it's probably an enormous amount! And then make the decision about whether or not to follow through from there. Hope that helps. Good luck with the holidays. It is very hard being a KO this time of year, you (as do we all) deserve extra hugs and peace to help get through it! Mdg2101 > > > > Today is Christmas. I'm not going to say that the first holiday season after nada's death has been easy, but I am here to say that it has been liberating and somewhat beautiful. > > > > Recently one of my former student's mother's gave me a little gift of mulling spices and for the first time since 1979 I've made Wassail, my mother's favorite holiday punch. Okay, so she would spike it with whatever alcohol was handy, get drunk and make a scene but, my fruit juice version tastes heavenly and fills my California kitchen with the scents of the old Kentucky farm house. I've reclaimed a tradition I allowed my mother to rob from me and I'm enjoying it even if my husband won't touch it! Therein lays my insight. Holiday traditions don't have to include dozens of in-laws, large crowds of friends, costly travel or lavish gifts. Holiday traditions are the things you chose to do year after year because they are meaningful and warm your heart. So turn on IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE, bake cookies, call your best friend, go drop a warm coat in the Salvation Army collection box, or order Chinese food and devour it in your bathrobe. Do what feels right to you. You aren't missing anything that's real. You are missing what your mind tells you that you don't or can't have. Therefore, I hereby by grant you the gift of being allowed to turn off that nightmare voice. Go ahead, blame it on me. Turn off that voice and go turn on the carols. Do what you want to do. Make some new traditions. Don't be afraid to live. After all, we've already survived one of the worst things that can happen in life. Don't we deserve a little joy? Virgin Wassail anyone? > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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