thoughts..

[Guest guest]

Hi All,

I have been lurking quite a bit lately, but thought I would jump in

about something that I have noticed with myself and just thought I

would share.

I have had the band for about six weeks now and have also had my first

fill for about two weeks. What I have found is that I am able to eat

what I feel is a large amount. Atleast larger than what my

expectations are and were. I rarely am totally full and haven't had

much difficulty getting food down. Nothing has gotten stuck yet and

that includes steak and bread. Because I am able to eat anything, I

feel that the band is not working regardless of the fact that I'm

almost down 35 lbs. I feel like I haven't lost in the last 3 weeks

and its frustrating. I try to keep my food intake to between 1000 and

1200 calories, but sometimes its 1500 (I figure with my metabolism

right now this is okay). I still eat mostly what I want and still

tend to stay within this caloric range.

When I go out to dinner with people I order normal dishes and make sure they are

ones that don't have the possibility of getting stuck. Inevitably I feel guilty

about what I have eaten and have the sinking feeling that I will gain weight

from it. Each time that I have gone out to eat with someone, they have

commented on how little I eat, but I still feel like I have overeaten. The thing

is, I don't know how to feel good about my success and,in fact, don't see myself

as being successful with this. I compare myself and my progress with people on

here and feel that I'm not doing what I should be doing or doing it as well.

Logically I know this is horse sh*t, but the fat person in me is my saboteur and

I am still terrified that this isn't going to work for me. Its like I don't

want to believe that it can work.

I know all this will come in time and my perception will change, but I don't

want to sabotage things in the mean time. I'm terrified of myself sometimes,

but the good thing is that I don't have these feelings all the time. I have

moments of clarity when I know it will and DOES take time and that I'm right on

course. I just wish those moments were not as few.

You know, as sick as this sounds..part of me wants some food to get

stuck so that I know the band is working. Apparently the weight loss

isn't enough proof for me. I'm sorry that this email is filled with

so many negative thoughts, but it helps to purge this from my mind.

Take the power out of it when I lay it on the table. I do have a side

that is strong and I don't like to overwhelm that part of me with the

old messages and habits. Boy, they really do die hard!!

Thank you for listening and any comments are welcome.

Molly