Girl woes (formerly: digital aids)

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In a message dated 2/6/2006 2:14:53 P.M. Eastern Standard Time,

agooch@... writes:

I keep looking for ways to help her work through the emotions. It seems to

be a hard age-fitting in and being ok with being different.

Amy

My daughter would flat-out tell you that you don't have to be different to

have girl issues. The mean girls will invent things to be mean about. We had

to build up our daughter's resilience, her self confidence. Again, I tried to

help reinforced her close friendships and encouraged them to do things

together so she'd have that support. (and they hadn't a clue, they think I'm a

cool

mom, LOL)

My daughter was labeled " fat " because she, um, developed earlier than a

couple mean girls -- and was just as thin as the rest of them, but much taller.

When that specific taunting didn't work on her, they decided to pick on her

because she was smart .. then it because they said she was wearing " cheap

clothes. " Then they refused to speak to her when they discovered her favorite

red

sweater was actually Anne Klein (size 2 petite, bought for $10 at a

clearance sale) so now she was a clothes snob and " thought she was all that. "

For a

couple years, those girls were the bane of her existence, but she learned to

ignore and dismiss them.

learned early on that you don't have to be different or have anything

wrong with you. If the mean girls targeted you, then they'll find something to

pick on. She had to " rise above it " and remind herself that they were

picking on her to make themselves feel bigger, better. I read the book Queen

Bees

from front to back and was amazed at how well it reflected my daughter's life

at that point. We had to help her become emotionally strong enough to deal

with it all. And switching schools wasn't an option, because there are mean

girls everywhere.

At one point she thought it'd be easier to join 'em than to fight 'em. And

she had to decide if she could live with herself as she treated other girls

that way. She chose not to join 'em. (I was very pleased.) grew up very

early in some ways and that was hard on me.

Again, the solution for us has always been to have a very open dialog going

about what is happening in their lives. It's how we did it then, and how we'll

handle the next adolescent trauma/drama for both kids.

Our is now 12 and just recently had her first serious crush and

subsequent broken heart. It was gut wrenching for me to see her in tears like

that.

The boy found out she liked him and was brutal, even had his friends say

very mean things to her. And we talked about it, talked about how the way he'd

treated her spoke volumes about the kind of person he was, and had nothing at

all to do with the person she is. We talked about how a couple of the other

boys rallied to defend her. A couple of his friends even apologized for saying

those mean things, and it probably cost him those friends' trust. She cried,

got mad, and after a few days, got over it. She's decided, for now, that

having crushes is not worth the effort.

While we were shopping that weekend, she picked out a t-shirt with a graphic

that had a dagger through a very ornamental heart and the words Love Hurts

scrawled in loopy script across the top of the heart. I got it for her and she

wore it like a badge of honor that following Monday.

At each stage, there's a new age-appropriate drama. And lately, I'm feeling

quite old, LOL

Best -- Jill