Re: My Son ph...............................

[Guest guest]

Oh Lou, I had no idea you carried this burden every day. Motherhood never goes away and though they may be difficult and unresponsive, troubled and appear to be uncaring we love them still.

There isn't anything I can say to you that's going to make this hurt go away. You have to love him enough to let him go. It sounds like he's making his way in the world the best way he knows how. Love him and pray for him. Your prayers are the most important thing you can give to him and there are no limits on prayer. He doesn't have to be nearby, he doesn't have to be in touch with you. Just keep doing what you're doing, hold him close in your heart and pray.

Beth in North Carolina

Moderator

Fibrotic NSIP 06/06 Dermatomyositis 11/08

"Maybe Christmas," he thought, "doesn't come from a store. Maybe Christmas... perhaps... means a little bit more."

Dr. Seuss

To: Breathe-Support Sent: Monday, December 8, 2008 7:27:47 PMSubject: My Son ph...............................

Today is my Son ph's 54th birthday. He left here to move to Missoula, MT a year ago August after he found out I was terminally ill with PF. He also left in 1981 in Virginia Beach ( was just divorced) at the time when I had just had a breast removed from cancer. He and his Dad came to the hospital day after my breast surgery and never saw my Son again for 10 years. He disappeared off the face of the earth. Didn't want the responsibility of anything to do with my illness. Again, Earl (I was dating him then) and my daughtr were the only ones who could help me through the 1 yr. of chemo. It was awful.Ten years later I found my son (can't devulge how) and I paid for a bus trip from CA to SD for him to come and see me. Earl and I were married then and he stayed for a week. It was then 8 more years I didn't know where he was, never contacted us or . Then in 1995 when we moved here to

Richmond, I found him again "persistent fighter" I am, and paid for another plane ticket ( sharing the cost) for him to come for a week. It was so difficult to ask him much as he was always a very sensitive person and private soul. Again, silence on the other end of his and our life until he called in 2005 and said he wanted to come to see us. He bought his own bus ticket from Grants Pass OR and stayed with his sister and her husband here as we didn't have room. So he got a job as a Security Guard at the Stony Park Fashion Park here (mall) and kept that job, moved into an apt with some dude he didn't know, then last July he got fired from his job, then he came over to our apt one morning and asked Earl if he would drive him to the bus station. For 2 years while he was here, he was using my car, an old crown vic we had as a spare. 1986. After he left we sold it. He just up and left on the bus,

moving to a place he had never been before, we didn't hear from him for a year, then last year, Jan we got an email from him. He had a job at the mall. He lives in a motel.TODAY IS JOSEPH'S 54TH BIRTHDAY AND I FINALLY REALIZED WHEN I WROTE THAT EARLIER POST TODAY ABOUT GOD TAKING ME HOME AND SEEING MY GRANDKIDS FROM PA THAT I NEVER SEE, IT DAWNED ON ME THAT THEY REMINDED ME OF MY OWN SON WHOM I HAVE MISSED IN MY LIFE FOR SO SO SO MANY YEARS. My son who we always called "Sonny" had been very heavy on my mind and in my heart this last week, him knowing of my PF and also my up coming surgeries and my detached retinal surgery last March has never said a thing about how I am, how are you, or anything, Just ignores all of it. WHY? We can't figure it out. It has not been very fun for me for the that 26 years he has been gone because he wanted to. I can't judge him, but he can only think of his

family the way he wants to and we have to accept that.Any suggestions to help me get through this horrible mountain in my heart? I know we can't help him anymore, we have tried, but each time he disappears.I LOVE YOU THIS DAYMARY LOU RICHMONDIPF - 02

[Guest guest]

Lou

All we can really do is hope for our child finding happiness in whatever

way it comes. It's so difficult to not be able to help someone and far

more difficult when they are your child. Sometimes its just as bad with

a parent though. I'm sure people thought I was horrible when they saw my

mother out mowing her lawn when she shouldn't have. They didn't know

that I'd paid a lawn service and she was mowing behind them because they

didn't meet her standards. Things my ex mother in law does, she

shouldn't. But the ultimate lesson is that each person has their right

to make their choices in life. We can advise, guide, hope, pray. It may

make no sense to us. There are times I honestly think working in the

mall and living in a hotel would have been easier. I hope he is doing ok

today and does tomorrow. Beyond that not much we can do about any others

and their choices.

When it comes to illnesses and surgeries and caregiving and just being

able to talk about it, there are many who are more supportive and

stronger than we imagined. But some just can't handle it so they have to

find ways to protect themselves. I am still learning just to understand

myself so understanding others isn't something we can always do.

>

> Today is my Son ph's 54th birthday. He left here to move to

> Missoula, MT a year ago August after he found out I was terminally

> ill with PF. He also left in 1981 in Virginia Beach ( was just

> divorced) at the time when I had just had a breast removed from

> cancer. He and his Dad came to the hospital day after my breast

> surgery and never saw my Son again for 10 years. He disappeared off

> the face of the earth. Didn't want the responsibility of anything to

> do with my illness. Again, Earl (I was dating him then) and my

> daughtr were the only ones who could help me through the 1 yr.

> of chemo. It was awful.

>

> Ten years later I found my son (can't devulge how) and I paid for a

> bus trip from CA to SD for him to come and see me. Earl and I were

> married then and he stayed for a week. It was then 8 more years I

> didn't know where he was, never contacted us or . Then in 1995

> when we moved here to Richmond, I found him again " persistent

> fighter " I am, and paid for another plane ticket ( sharing the

> cost) for him to come for a week. It was so difficult to ask him

> much as he was always a very sensitive person and private soul.

> Again, silence on the other end of his and our life until he called

> in 2005 and said he wanted to come to see us. He bought his own bus

> ticket from Grants Pass OR and stayed with his sister and her husband

> here as we didn't have room. So he got a job as a Security Guard at

> the Stony Park Fashion Park here (mall) and kept that job, moved into

> an apt with some dude he didn't know, then last July he got fired

> from his job, then he came over to our apt one morning and asked Earl

> if he would drive him to the bus station. For 2 years while he was

> here, he was using my car, an old crown vic we had as a spare. 1986.

> After he left we sold it. He just up and left on the bus, moving to

> a place he had never been before, we didn't hear from him for a year,

> then last year, Jan we got an email from him. He had a job at the

> mall. He lives in a motel.

>

> TODAY IS JOSEPH'S 54TH BIRTHDAY AND I FINALLY REALIZED WHEN I WROTE

> THAT EARLIER POST TODAY ABOUT GOD TAKING ME HOME AND SEEING MY

> GRANDKIDS FROM PA THAT I NEVER SEE, IT DAWNED ON ME THAT THEY

> REMINDED ME OF MY OWN SON WHOM I HAVE MISSED IN MY LIFE FOR SO SO SO

> MANY YEARS. My son who we always called " Sonny " had been very heavy

> on my mind and in my heart this last week, him knowing of my PF and

> also my up coming surgeries and my detached retinal surgery last

> March has never said a thing about how I am, how are you, or

> anything, Just ignores all of it. WHY? We can't figure it out. It

> has not been very fun for me for the that 26 years he has been gone

> because he wanted to. I can't judge him, but he can only think of

> his family the way he wants to and we have to accept that.

>

> Any suggestions to help me get through this horrible mountain in my

> heart? I know we can't help him anymore, we have tried, but each

> time he disappears.

>

> I LOVE YOU THIS DAY

> MARY LOU RICHMOND

> IPF - 02

>

[Guest guest]

Lou

i am at a loss for words

I'm glad you have Earl for support

We can't rely on our children for a variety of reasons -- known and unknown

Pink Joyce IPF 3/06 Pennsylvania

Donate Life

Subject: My Son ph...............................To: Breathe-Support Date: Monday, December 8, 2008, 7:27 PM

Today is my Son ph's 54th birthday. He left here to move to Missoula, MT a year ago August after he found out I was terminally ill with PF. He also left in 1981 in Virginia Beach ( was just divorced) at the time when I had just had a breast removed from cancer. He and his Dad came to the hospital day after my breast surgery and never saw my Son again for 10 years. He disappeared off the face of the earth. Didn't want the responsibility of anything to do with my illness. Again, Earl (I was dating him then) and my daughtr were the only ones who could help me through the 1 yr. of chemo. It was awful.Ten years later I found my son (can't devulge how) and I paid for a bus trip from CA to SD for him to come and see me. Earl and I were married then and he stayed for a week. It was then 8 more years I didn't know where he was, never contacted us or . Then in 1995 when we moved here to

Richmond, I found him again "persistent fighter" I am, and paid for another plane ticket ( sharing the cost) for him to come for a week. It was so difficult to ask him much as he was always a very sensitive person and private soul. Again, silence on the other end of his and our life until he called in 2005 and said he wanted to come to see us. He bought his own bus ticket from Grants Pass OR and stayed with his sister and her husband here as we didn't have room. So he got a job as a Security Guard at the Stony Park Fashion Park here (mall) and kept that job, moved into an apt with some dude he didn't know, then last July he got fired from his job, then he came over to our apt one morning and asked Earl if he would drive him to the bus station. For 2 years while he was here, he was using my car, an old crown vic we had as a spare. 1986. After he left we sold it. He just up and left on the bus,

moving to a place he had never been before, we didn't hear from him for a year, then last year, Jan we got an email from him. He had a job at the mall. He lives in a motel.TODAY IS JOSEPH'S 54TH BIRTHDAY AND I FINALLY REALIZED WHEN I WROTE THAT EARLIER POST TODAY ABOUT GOD TAKING ME HOME AND SEEING MY GRANDKIDS FROM PA THAT I NEVER SEE, IT DAWNED ON ME THAT THEY REMINDED ME OF MY OWN SON WHOM I HAVE MISSED IN MY LIFE FOR SO SO SO MANY YEARS. My son who we always called "Sonny" had been very heavy on my mind and in my heart this last week, him knowing of my PF and also my up coming surgeries and my detached retinal surgery last March has never said a thing about how I am, how are you, or anything, Just ignores all of it. WHY? We can't figure it out. It has not been very fun for me for the that 26 years he has been gone because he wanted to. I can't judge him, but he can only think of his

family the way he wants to and we have to accept that.Any suggestions to help me get through this horrible mountain in my heart? I know we can't help him anymore, we have tried, but each time he disappears.I LOVE YOU THIS DAYMARY LOU RICHMONDIPF - 02

[Guest guest]

Lou, Come let me just hold and hug you for a minute.. ((((((((((((@)))))))))))))  I have always heard when they're small they walk on our toes and on our hearts when they are grown.. Oh I just ache for you. I went for almost a year without seeing my youngest and my heart broke daily.. No one could understand how or why these things have to happen.. God is in control. I am so happy is so attentive to you. And Earl is just a gem..I love you this day pretty lady.. Love & Prayers, PeggyFlorida,  IPF/UIP 2004"I believe that friends are quiet angels who lift us to our feet, when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly." 

[Guest guest]

Lou, I understand your grief for your wandering child.

It's strange how our children give us two opposing emotions,

love and grief. I've never thought that mine, the four of

them, did it intentionally. That's the way life happens. I

took the love when it was given and turned my face away from

the grief. Once they were adults and on their own, well, not

entirely, there were always those times when they needed

help, they gave me the greatest gift of all - grandchildren.

I know this is not comparable to your life with and without

ph, but ph has chosen his life style and there is little

one can do about it. It doesn't mean he is rejecting you, it is

nothing more than his way of finding a way he can live. It may

be strange to others, including you, but it probably is not strange to him. I know it hurts when it seems your child doen't

want to see you. It makes you think it was your fault. Their

choice is their choice. And you are not responsible.

One can only love their child and hope they are well and not in need,

although that doesn't keep you from crying in the dark.

So love him and hope for the best for him.

JACK

Today is my Son ph's 54th birthday. He left here to move to Missoula, MT a year ago August after he found out I was terminally ill with PF. He also left in 1981 in Virginia Beach ( was just divorced) at the time when I had just had a breast removed from cancer. He and his Dad came to the hospital day after my breast surgery and never saw my Son again for 10 years. He disappeared off the face of the earth. Didn't want the responsibility of anything to do with my illness. Again, Earl (I was dating him then) and my daughtr were the only ones who could help me through the 1 yr. of chemo. It was awful.Ten years later I found my son (can't devulge how) and I paid for a bus trip from CA to SD for him to come and see me. Earl and I were married then and he stayed for a week. It was then 8 more years I didn't know where he was, never contacted us or . Then in 1995 when we moved here to

Richmond, I found him again "persistent fighter" I am, and paid for another plane ticket ( sharing the cost) for him to come for a week. It was so difficult to ask him much as he was always a very sensitive person and private soul. Again, silence on the other end of his and our life until he called in 2005 and said he wanted to come to see us. He bought his own bus ticket from Grants Pass OR and stayed with his sister and her husband here as we didn't have room. So he got a job as a Security Guard at the Stony Park Fashion Park here (mall) and kept that job, moved into an apt with some dude he didn't know, then last July he got fired from his job, then he came over to our apt one morning and asked Earl if he would drive him to the bus station. For 2 years while he was here, he was using my car, an old crown vic we had as a spare. 1986. After he left we sold it. He just up and left on the bus,

moving to a place he had never been before, we didn't hear from him for a year, then last year, Jan we got an email from him. He had a job at the mall. He lives in a motel.TODAY IS JOSEPH'S 54TH BIRTHDAY AND I FINALLY REALIZED WHEN I WROTE THAT EARLIER POST TODAY ABOUT GOD TAKING ME HOME AND SEEING MY GRANDKIDS FROM PA THAT I NEVER SEE, IT DAWNED ON ME THAT THEY REMINDED ME OF MY OWN SON WHOM I HAVE MISSED IN MY LIFE FOR SO SO SO MANY YEARS. My son who we always called "Sonny" had been very heavy on my mind and in my heart this last week, him knowing of my PF and also my up coming surgeries and my detached retinal surgery last March has never said a thing about how I am, how are you, or anything, Just ignores all of it. WHY? We can't figure it out. It has not been very fun for me for the that 26 years he has been gone because he wanted to. I can't judge him, but he can only think of his

family the way he wants to and we have to accept that.Any suggestions to help me get through this horrible mountain in my heart? I know we can't help him anymore, we have tried, but each time he disappears.I LOVE YOU THIS DAYMARY LOU RICHMONDIPF - 02

[Guest guest]

ML ... MB wrote it so well and I can't add much but I will add this: The reason ph disappears isn't about you, it's about HIM and you may never know what keeps him away. He carries some burden on his heart that short-circuits your relationship with him. Perhaps you do know what it is.

I speak from experience friend. I'm estranged from my son (also my 'Sonny', isn't that something?). I do know what his burden is however. He came and left and came and left over and over again. Now he lives approx. 15 miles from me and we never see or speak to each other. He is hanging on to a bitterness towards me that he cannot let go of. Even after close to 40 years!

He used his bitterness as an excuse for his "poor me" attitude and everything that ever went wrong in his life became my fault. I had to learn to stop punishing MYSELF for his behavior.

He is gay, he has AIDS and many times has been at deaths door. For some reason, God keeps bringing him back. (in my deepest heart I ask God to give him time to forgive...who knows?)

I finally had to Let go and Let God. Took me years and years to stop taking him back but I am at peace with it now. I've made amends to him over and over.

So it's not about me anymore, it's about HIM and how he chooses to live his life.

I pray for him every day.

Keep praying for your son ML.

I do understand and I know how difficult it is to "let go" of a child. It's not something we are supposed to do...

I think it was last Christmas you and I emailed each other privately about this and you got past it to become "Persistent Fighter".

This may be your biggest 'fight' ML. Fight the self-pity we can slip into and the martyrdom we can carry for too long. It is so painful and we don't see it.

Please don't take offense dear friend at what I've written. You put it out to the board so I will answer you here.

I love you and don't want to see you hurting. Really let him go, give him to God and ask God to help you do it.

As MB wrote, 'hold him close in your heart and pray'.

MamaSher, age 70. IPF 3-06, OR. NasturtiumsDon't fret about tomorrow, God is already there!

My Son ph...............................

Today is my Son ph's 54th birthday. He left here to move to Missoula, MT a year ago August after he found out I was terminally ill with PF. He also left in 1981 in Virginia Beach ( was just divorced) at the time when I had just had a breast removed from cancer. He and his Dad came to the hospital day after my breast surgery and never saw my Son again for 10 years. He disappeared off the face of the earth. Didn't want the responsibility of anything to do with my illness. Again, Earl (I was dating him then) and my daughtr were the only ones who could help me through the 1 yr. of chemo. It was awful.Ten years later I found my son (can't devulge how) and I paid for a bus trip from CA to SD for him to come and see me. Earl and I were married then and he stayed for a week. It was then 8 more years I didn't know where he was, never contacted us or . Then in 1995 when we moved here to Richmond, I found him again "persistent fighter" I am, and paid for another plane ticket ( sharing the cost) for him to come for a week. It was so difficult to ask him much as he was always a very sensitive person and private soul. Again, silence on the other end of his and our life until he called in 2005 and said he wanted to come to see us. He bought his own bus ticket from Grants Pass OR and stayed with his sister and her husband here as we didn't have room. So he got a job as a Security Guard at the Stony Park Fashion Park here (mall) and kept that job, moved into an apt with some dude he didn't know, then last July he got fired from his job, then he came over to our apt one morning and asked Earl if he would drive him to the bus station. For 2 years while he was here, he was using my car, an old crown vic we had as a spare. 1986. After he left we sold it. He just up and left on the bus, moving to a place he had never been before, we didn't hear from him for a year, then last year, Jan we got an email from him. He had a job at the mall. He lives in a motel.TODAY IS JOSEPH'S 54TH BIRTHDAY AND I FINALLY REALIZED WHEN I WROTE THAT EARLIER POST TODAY ABOUT GOD TAKING ME HOME AND SEEING MY GRANDKIDS FROM PA THAT I NEVER SEE, IT DAWNED ON ME THAT THEY REMINDED ME OF MY OWN SON WHOM I HAVE MISSED IN MY LIFE FOR SO SO SO MANY YEARS. My son who we always called "Sonny" had been very heavy on my mind and in my heart this last week, him knowing of my PF and also my up coming surgeries and my detached retinal surgery last March has never said a thing about how I am, how are you, or anything, Just ignores all of it. WHY? We can't figure it out. It has not been very fun for me for the that 26 years he has been gone because he wanted to. I can't judge him, but he can only think of his family the way he wants to and we have to accept that.Any suggestions to help me get through this horrible mountain in my heart? I know we can't help him anymore, we have tried, but each time he disappears.I LOVE YOU THIS DAYMARY LOU RICHMONDIPF - 02