Affection and acceptance

[Guest guest]

Many people with fibro (it seems to be one of the essential aspects

of those with the syndrome) acceptance and self esteem go hand in

hand. There doesn't seem to be many of us who confidently stride from

the fog esteem intact.

Many people here post about needing to get families or partners

to " understand " , usually because the pain at having people you love

make comments, have unrealistic expectations, or simply say cruel

thoughtless things is more than they can bear: they believe, they

hope, that if only their families understood then they would offer

the compassion, support and acceptance that would make things better,

and then finally they could accept themselves.

The problem is though, that the kind of love people crave, and need,

is unconditional love, and that is not the kind of love that depends

so heavily on understanding as much as on being. If you need your

family to understand how much you struggle, then they are truly

missing the point- it doesn't matter if they understand or not- if

they are loving you less, or supporting you less, or harassing you

more, because you are suffering and need their love, then the problem

is in them and not you.

There are those among us who have made our own beds with our fmailies-

years of complaints, vague miseries and such have made us appear

hypochondriacs who are self centred and addicted to doctors; some of

us are both of those, but often not because we are not good people,

but because we have had no choice because it took so long to get

anyone to believe how genuinely awful we feel so often so we could

get help; it is because we wanted normal that we looked so abnormal

in other's eyes.

Others however wear illness as a badge of honour, the ultimate

justification for everything and the ultimate excuse; those people

have more problems than fibro, and there really isn't much there for

them; they are here, but rare, and soon wander off anyway. These

poeple enjoy being sick because it gives them power and authority,

they think: we all have our moments of this, its normal, but others

seem to wallow in their misery like it's a jacuzzi.

So, if your family is giving you grief instead of love, and this is

breaking your heart, take a step back: they are people, just like

you, with their own problems, just like you, and you can't change

them. If they aren't willing to give you benefit of the doubt, no

amount of understanding is going to change them. They should love and

support you without a reason, without understanding and without

anything else except that you are you. If they can't. its not your

fault, and you need to accept that there is nothing you can do about

them until they want to- and the best way to have them want to is

just simply to be happy yourself. When they see you happy, they will

poke their nose in and go. " ..You... are happy??? Uhm, can I be here

too with you? Happy? " that's honestly what happens. Pain, hurt and

needs, even though justified, push people away, and happiness brings

them back.

Perhaps it is time to not worry about them, to take care of yourself,

find happiness within yourself, accept your limits but keep hope for

your potential... and you may find that when you are happy with you,

many others, understanding or not, will be too.

So many of you here reach out to others so selflessly, encouraging

and trynig to fill that gap but you hurt so much yourself... don't

measure you with someone else's yardstick: decide what a good person

is by your book, and be honest in your measure of yourself, and if

you meet the criteria, then label you " good " , and love you, and

accept you, and be happy, and work on being even happier.

For those of you who are waiting for someone to accept you so you can

accept yourself, you will be waiting a long time wihtout success,

because many people are incredibly selfish, cluless, and look for

weaker, needier people to make themselves look good. Find it in you

to be happy with you- you don't need to be perfect to be worthy- do

you hurt people? Do you try the best you can to do the best you can,

even when its hard? Then learn to love you. Look how much so many of

us still manage to acheive, despite pain, all kinds of physical

problems, sleeplessness and fatigue... and still, we love, we

function, either in a wheelchair like me, or maybe on crutches, or

maybe even just in bed- we don't give up. And because we don;t know

any other way, we judge ourselves not on fibro, but on the rest of

the world- and then kick ourselves because we are not well. Like we

planned it this way?

The only person we need to understand and accept us... is ourselves.

I find affirmations help:

" I am not perfect, but perfect isn't acheivable anyway- I am a good

person,. with a loving heart, and that makes me a worthy and lovable

person "

" I am not my disability or the obstacles it presents: I am lovable,

creative and capable "

" I have courage and I am capable of being loved "

" I am not fibro; my body may not be fit, but my heart, mind and soul

are unique, lovable, creative and just as good as anyone else "

" I am a person, a unique individual, with faults, but also with

strengths; I am loving, lovable and even though I struggle, I never

give up- this means that I am a person worthy of loving myself "

You could if its your bag even do the religious ones

" God made me, and I must be someone special because God makes us in

his image. " (Hard to imagine God with Fibro!)

" God made me to be who I am, becuas ethis is who he needed me to be:

To give me such struggles and obstacles means I am someone with

courage and strength, because he wouldnt have sent a weaker person so

much hard work. I must be very special and loved, because he trusts

me so much!)

" God's pleasure is that I find joy and acceptance of the life he has

given me, by accepting the obstacles I face, without fear, and be an

emotionally healthy person with self-esteem, gentleness and peace of

mind and heart "

" God made me this way: I am a good person, worthy of being loved,

worthy of acceptance, and worthy of happiness " .

" I accept who I am, warts and all, because I have faith that I am who

I am for a reason, and if God has made me with fibro, I am going to

cherish it as his gift and find joy daily in the life he has set

before me. He doesn't give everyone such gifts!! "

I know affirmations sound trite, but when you use them over and over,

you really really can start to feel the difference. Cheaper than

vitamins, quicker than physiotherapy, and available on any insurance

plan, they can help you restore maybe not your pain levels, but maybe

your self-esteem and self-acceptance.

You can always try " Please grant me the serenity to accept the things

I cannot change, the courage to change teh thigns I can, and the

wisdom to know the difference " .

If you cannot change those people in your life who do not understand

or accept you, then take what they say as although loving as flawed,

and don't let it affect who you are; you know the real truth about

you- don't let anyone else try to tell you what you are worth.

" I am a person worthy of happiness, love and good things; It is a

good thing to love myself and have healthy self esteem- I am not the

person others may judge me to be as I know my heart better than they

do " .

Bethann

Just an afterthought- one last prayer a friend shared- I am pagan,

but that doesn't mean I don;t believe in god. I just dress him

differently than others might....

" God, hold me up and take my hand

give me peace, help me understand

the path you have set out for me:

light my way and set me free

from needing others to set the way

I need to live from day to day.

Help me rise above my bones and skin

and see my true self within;

dont let me be judged by what others see

keep my eyes on you, because you know the real me.

I know you are there, I feel your touch

and although some days, I can't do much

everything I do, I do with love and care

because I know you are with me there.

When the days get hard, and I am so afraid

remind me of the home you've made

for me in your loving heart

then help me tomorrow to make a fresh start

and help me try a little harder

and I will get a little farther.

Ease my pain and sooth my fear

Calm my heart and hold me near:

I'm working hard to overcome

the person I have started to become

because of the pain, and problems I encounter

I need medicine, and hospitals, nurses and doctors-

please give them compassion, love and skill

and help us fight this disease, if it is your will;

Although with fibro, life can be tough-

I struggle from day to day, it's true

but I keep trying because fibro is a gift from you

and for me, God, that's good enough. "