TEXAS CHILI COOK-OFF friday jokes

[Guest guest]

PSC group hope you will find this funny..yes another Texas story.. if you ever been to a Texas chili cook off this is what you are missing...the chili there is HOT if it makes you cry while eating it it is good Chili then...It might unblock our Ducts and get them working again....

Jeanne (not bashing Texas my daughter from Texas sent it to me) Chili Cook-OffIf you can read this whole story without laughing, thenthere's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. This is an actualaccount as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas.Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you payattention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge iseven better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know howtrue this is.They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the timeHalloween comes around.

It takes up a major portion of a parking lot atthe San City Park.Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named ,who was visiting from Springfield, IL. : 'Recently, I was honored to be selected as ajudge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at thelast moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table,asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. Iwas assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chiliwouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have freebeer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3.'Here are the scorecard notes from the event:CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILIJudge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusingkick.Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato

flavor. Very mild.Judge # 3 () -- Holy crap, what the hell is thisstuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me twobeers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texansare crazy. CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILIJudge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapenotang.Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers tobe taken seriously.Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'mnot sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off twopeople who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush inmore beer when they saw the look on my face.CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILIJudge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill.My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows

theroutine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me onthe back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm gettings-faced from all of the beer.CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGICJudge # 1 -Black bean chili with almost no spice.Disappointing.Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good sidedish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue,but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds?Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT ... just like this nuclear wasteI'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVERJudge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppersfreshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use moretomato. Must admit the

cayenne peppers make a strong statement.Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring offmy forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four peoplebehind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I toldher that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue frombleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder ifI'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judgesasked me to stop screaming. CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETYJudge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.Good balance of spices and peppers.Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers,onions, garlic. Superb. Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipefilled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I had a B/M on myself when I farted,and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined tostand behind me except that

Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need towipe myself with a snow cone.CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILIJudge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance oncanned peppers.Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literallythrew in a can of chili peppers at the last moment.**I should take notethat I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be a bit of distress ashe is cursing uncontrollably.Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pullthe pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, andthe world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is coveredwith chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full oflava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know whatkilled me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it inthrough the 4-inch hole in my

stomach.CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILIJudge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blendchili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili.Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge#3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top ofhimself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'dhave reacted to really hot chili?Judge # 3 - No Report Jeanne

[Guest guest]

I moved to Texas from Illinois a couple of years ago and I agree this

is a very acurate account of a chili cook off!!! Thanks for the

laugh. Since I was diagnoised with PSC after moving to TX maybe this

is what scarred by bile ducts!!!

PSC 5/07 Listed

>

> PSC group hope you will find this funny..yes another Texas

story..

> if you ever been to a Texas chili cook off this is

what you are

> missing...the chili there is HOT if it makes you cry

while eating it

> it is good Chili then...It might unblock our Ducts

and get them working

> again....

> Jeanne (not bashing Texas my daughter from Texas

sent it to me)

>

> Chili Cook-Off

>

> If you can read this whole story without laughing, then

> there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual

> account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas.

>

> Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay

> attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge

is

> even better.

>

> For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how

> true this is.They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time

> Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking

lot at

> the San City Park.

>

> Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named ,

> who was visiting from Springfield, IL.

>

> : 'Recently, I was honored to be selected as a

> judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the

> last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's

table,

> asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came

in. I

> was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili

> wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have

free

> beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3.'

>

> Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

>

> CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI

>

> Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing

> kick.

> Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

> Judge # 3 () -- Holy crap, what the hell is this

> stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two

> beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These

Texans

> are crazy.

>

> CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

>

> Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno

> tang.

> Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to

> be taken seriously.

> Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm

> not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off

two

> people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to

rush in

> more beer when they saw the look on my face.

>

> CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

>

> Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

> Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

> Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill.

> My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the

> routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded

me on

> the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm

getting

> s-faced from all of the beer.

>

> CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

>

> Judge # 1 -Black bean chili with almost no spice.

> Disappointing.

> Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side

> dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

> Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue,

> but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds?

> Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills.

This

> 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT ... just like this nuclear

waste

> I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

>

> CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

>

> Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers

> freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

> Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more

> tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

> Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off

> my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four

people

> behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I

told

> her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue

from

> bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder

if

> I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other

judges

> asked me to stop screaming.

>

> CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

>

> Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.

> Good balance of spices and peppers.

> Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers,

> onions, garlic. Superb.

> Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe

> filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I had a B/M on myself when I

farted,

> and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems

inclined to

> stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I

need to

> wipe myself with a snow cone.

>

> CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

>

> Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on

> canned peppers.

> Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally

> threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment.**I should take

note

> that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be a bit of

distress as

> he is cursing uncontrollably.

> Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull

> the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye,

and

> the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is

covered

> with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full

of

> lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know

what

> killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful.

> I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it

in

> through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

>

> CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI

>

> Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend

> chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

> Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili.

> Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when

Judge

> #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on

top of

> himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how

he'd

> have reacted to really hot chili?

> Judge # 3 - No Report

>

>

>

> Jeanne

>