Fwd: colonoscopys (funny stuff)

[Guest guest]

I don't usually forward things but I laughed and laughed at this. I have had so

many colonoscopies that I can relate to what he is talking about!!!

It was sent to me by my best friend, who is a surgical RN. I told her that her

timing sucked because I was about to leave for a doctor's appointment where I

was certain that he would insist on a colonoscopy (he did). It is still funny

tho.

in Texas

PSC '01

>>> Amber Sims 5/27/2008 7:49 AM >>>

You can appreciate this as much as I did....hahaha!!!!

Just in case you might have one coming up....

Or to awaken memories if you have already had one...

Dave Barry's Colonoscopy Journal

... I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an

appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office,

Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears

to go

all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis .

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough,

reassuring

and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear

anything

he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A

TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription

for

a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a

microwave oven. I will

discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must

never allow it to fall into

the hands of America's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

Then, on the day before

my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my

instructions, I didn't eat any

solid food that day; alI I had was chicken broth, which is basically

water, only with less flavor.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder

together in a

one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those

unfamiliar with the metric

system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole

jug. This takes about an hour,

because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of

goat spit and urinal cleanser,

with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great

sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose watery bowel

movement may result.'

This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may

experience contact with the ground. MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't

want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch?

This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There

are times when you wish thecommode had a seat belt. You spend several hours

pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate

everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to

drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your

bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even

eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not

only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional

return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?'

How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be

enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and

totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a

room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained

space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed

by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even

more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand.

Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already

lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At

first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what

would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you

were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to

burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where

Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the

17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was

seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the

anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was

music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by

Abba. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during

this particular procedure, 'Dancing Qu een' has to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I

said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than decade.

If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in

explicit detail, exactly what it was like. I have no idea. Really. I slept

through it. One moment, Abba was shrieking 'Dancing Queen! Feel the beat from

the tambourine ...'.. and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking

up in a very mellow mood.

Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I

felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my

colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal

organ.

ABOUT THE WRITER

Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor

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