Re: Need to vent and release......

[Guest guest]

Okay, guys...I don't need any responses here, unless somebody feels

like it, but I just need to get it off my chest.

I just don't know what is wrong anymore. Why can I not pick myself up

by my bootstraps?

I can not seem to make anything manifest in my life anymore...one

friend is observing, me and saying that I just need to do this, and I

need to focus, or first things first, or I need to focus on hobbies

that make me happy.....

She asked me to PROMISE that I will not do any more research or think

about healing or getting well...at least for a week. Words well

spoken, unless you are in my shoes and JUST want to be well and whole

again.

There is ZERO financial aid available up here, and even if there

were, I can not wrap my brain around hardly anything to make it

happen, other than dribble it away on the computer and stuff. I ahve

big plans and thoughts, but can not hardly get a solidlymeaningful

thing done.

The hospital ERs all want to be paid, and I could not even manage to

get the papers in to them that they requested to see if they could

provide any financial assisance, so that is all now a judgement

against me. There are so many difficulties in my life, and I am all

alone with it.....

A job I finally got, is essentially lettting me go, because although

my work is very good, it is too slow and they can not pay me when

others can do it much faster. I thought finally, somebody that

understands that I am not well, and wants to help,

He knew and that is why he hired me, Not only because I am very good

at designing, (albeit slow), but because he has serious ailments of

his own,and understnad how tough it can be. So I thought that I can

finally get in to see , , or get some of the tests or

supplements I need.....But now, I am TOO slow..... and I cannot

change that. Working for them part time has been so stressful for me

any way,....it is simply too much.

Their email to me this morning asked me if:

" I meant the things I said in yesterdays' email. " (HUH?)

and if I had been " taking me meds " . (HUH?)

...and " is there a problem " (HUH?)

...and am I having a bad week (HUH?)

I thought he was my friend.....

I don't know if I am just going crazy or what. I have so many

problems and issues and am all alone in this, and even so, I simply

can seem to wrap my brain around anything anymore, or I should say

not in a way that makes much of anything manifest.

If I tell my friend, that she just doesn't understand, then she tells

me that thinking about illness is my addiction, Maybe she is right.

She doesn't want me to do any more research and sees that as one of

the roots of my problems.. So how, can I do that, while trying to

chelate every three hours, and when my heart is not allowing me to do

much other than get around the house. I am truly just addicted to

being ill?

After a few years of chelating, gingerly with DMSA, I am trying to do

ALA once again. I started on it yesterday. Somebody was kind enough

to give me a little DMPS, and I am doing a tiny amount of each.

Maybe that is why I am feeling even more nutso today. Dunno.

What do you guys do when you have no medical or familial support?

I need my life back. ,.....seems it is simply laying around me in

broken pieces.......

Thanks for letting me vent.

Inga

[Guest guest]

Okay, well I substituted a little hydrocortisone for the equivalent

amount of prednisolone this morning, and didn't realize I was going

into a full blown meltdown as I was writing that last post.

Apparently, even with a little less prednisolone, I started going

absolutely crazy. I had to almost loose it completely before I

realized what was going on.

I took 2.5 mg more of prednisolone and am much better now....

I was trying to substitute a little hydrocortisone to see if I coudl

try and start weaning down that way...I dont' like the way my blood

sugar is so high and I am getting so fat.

Sorry about all the whining...I really WAS losing it when I posted

earlier....

~Inga

> Okay, guys...I don't need any responses here, unless somebody feels

> like it, but I just need to get it off my chest.

> .........

> Maybe that is why I am feeling even more nutso today. Dunno.

>

> What do you guys do when you have no medical or familial support?

> I need my life back. ,.....seems it is simply laying around me in

> broken pieces.......

>

> Thanks for letting me vent.

> Inga

>

>

[Guest guest]

>

> Okay, guys...I don't need any responses here, unless somebody feels

> like it, but I just need to get it off my chest.

>

> I just don't know what is wrong anymore. Why can I not pick myself up

> by my bootstraps?

> I can not seem to make anything manifest in my life anymore...one

> friend is observing, me and saying that I just need to do this, and I

> need to focus, or first things first, or I need to focus on hobbies

> that make me happy.....

I agree with your friend that it is important to keep something in

your life, a hobby/interest/activity, that is separate from matters

of health. Something that gives you a little joy and comfort,

something that nurtures your soul.

I find it really helps to just let the illness *be* sometimes,

just let it exist, but turn away and ignore it while I read some

poetry or write a friendly, non-obsessed email to somebody, or

go to a bookstore or library and lose myself for a couple of hours.

" Whatever we put our attention on grows stronger in our life. "

I can't remember the source of that quote, but it means we need to

put our attention on health, not on illness, in order to strengthen

our health. It is a tricky business to put appropriate attention on

our symptoms and health problems so that we can work on them, without

falling into the trap of being overwhelmed by them. You have to

find a way to distance yourself from the problem so that you can

think about it rationally. And you also have to keep some time in

your life to create other, happy things - friendships, ideas, goals.

> She asked me to PROMISE that I will not do any more research or think

> about healing or getting well...at least for a week. Words well

> spoken, unless you are in my shoes and JUST want to be well and whole

> again.

I think she has the right sentiment, but the wrong focus. It's not

so much about doing no more research. It's about not letting the

research take over your life.

Try to limit it to certain hours. Spend the time you've alloted for

it and then stop. This will put some boundaries on illness - it is

a way of telling the illness that you know it exists and you will

give it the attention it needs, but you will not let it take over.

> There is ZERO financial aid available up here, and even if there

> were, I can not wrap my brain around hardly anything to make it

> happen, other than dribble it away on the computer and stuff. I ahve

> big plans and thoughts, but can not hardly get a solidlymeaningful

> thing done.

>

> The hospital ERs all want to be paid, and I could not even manage to

> get the papers in to them that they requested to see if they could

> provide any financial assisance, so that is all now a judgement

> against me. There are so many difficulties in my life, and I am all

> alone with it.....

I am sorry you are going through this, Inga. I have trouble

getting things done, too. Is there anyone you can ask to sit

down with you to do paperwork? If there isn't a friend who can

do this, maybe there is someone at a local church or social service

agency who can sit with you and help you take care of paperwork that

might help you get financial assistance.

> A job I finally got, is essentially lettting me go, because although

> my work is very good, it is too slow and they can not pay me when

> others can do it much faster. I thought finally, somebody that

> understands that I am not well, and wants to help,

>

> He knew and that is why he hired me, Not only because I am very good

> at designing, (albeit slow), but because he has serious ailments of

> his own,and understnad how tough it can be. So I thought that I can

> finally get in to see , , or get some of the tests or

> supplements I need.....But now, I am TOO slow..... and I cannot

> change that. Working for them part time has been so stressful for me

> any way,....it is simply too much.

>

> Their email to me this morning asked me if:

>

> " I meant the things I said in yesterdays' email. " (HUH?)

> and if I had been " taking me meds " . (HUH?)

> ..and " is there a problem " (HUH?)

> ..and am I having a bad week (HUH?)

> I thought he was my friend.....

Well, you know, those sound like appropriate questions for

a friend or employer to ask. It sounds like he/they can see

the stress you are under and they are expressing concern and

asking what's up with you. Maybe you *are* having a bad week.

I would look back at the email they mention and see what you

said - it sounds like you said something that hit someone the

wrong way - good idea to figure out what that's about and address

it. Open, honest communication is really helpful and important.

Problems like this don't get solved unless you start with

communication.

If you are having a bad week, telling them so may be the beginning

of working something out. Maybe there is a way for you to continue

with the job - maybe you can work a little less time than originally

planned. Ask them if there are some conditions under which you can

continue the job.

> I don't know if I am just going crazy or what. I have so many

> problems and issues and am all alone in this, and even so, I simply

> can seem to wrap my brain around anything anymore, or I should say

> not in a way that makes much of anything manifest.

>

> If I tell my friend, that she just doesn't understand, then she tells

> me that thinking about illness is my addiction, Maybe she is right.

> She doesn't want me to do any more research and sees that as one of

> the roots of my problems.. So how, can I do that, while trying to

> chelate every three hours, and when my heart is not allowing me to do

> much other than get around the house. I am truly just addicted to

> being ill?

I think it is possible to let the illness get the upper hand and

take over your life.

> After a few years of chelating, gingerly with DMSA, I am trying to do

> ALA once again. I started on it yesterday. Somebody was kind enough

> to give me a little DMPS, and I am doing a tiny amount of each.

> Maybe that is why I am feeling even more nutso today. Dunno.

That's certainly possible. Have you ever tried dosing more

frequently?

> What do you guys do when you have no medical or familial support?

> I need my life back. ,.....seems it is simply laying around me in

> broken pieces.......

For now, you should just sit down amidst the pieces and let them

be just as they are. Before you can fix anything you need to find

a way to be comfortable with the reality of things. Then you can

begin to think rationally about the problems, organize how you are

going to approach them, one at a time. Allot some time each day

to " work on " things. Don't make it a lot of time. Start sketching

out the things you need to do to get your life back on track. Get

organized, keep notes in folders or notebooks, and get good at

putting it all away for the day when your alloted time is up.

You know what? You might never get all the way there. Focus on

the process and find ways to enjoy the process and you'll get a

lot farther, a lot faster.

Just my two cents (er, maybe a couple bucks worth - sorry if I

went off the deep end

--

> Inga

>

[Guest guest]

>

> I can't remember the source of that quote, but it means we need to

> put our attention on health, not on illness,

IMR>>>>>>>Absolutely!!!!!

> in order to strengthen

> our health. It is a tricky business to put appropriate attention on

> our symptoms and health problems so that we can work on them, without

> falling into the trap of being overwhelmed by them. You have to

> find a way to distance yourself from the problem so that you can

> think about it rationally. And you also have to keep some time in

> your life to create other, happy things - friendships, ideas, goals.

IMR>>>>>>>Yes, and I have been listenig to The Secret as well.....I

understand this concept.

However, I went totally crazy

yesterday......mentally......chemically......maybe it was because I

added in ALA the day before, and had one does that was accidently 4

hours apart.

I guess it is true too, that fiends want to know how you are, but

they don't REALLY want to know, unless they are dealing with the same

issues.

------------------

>

>

> I think she has the right sentiment, but the wrong focus. It's not

> so much about doing no more research. It's about not letting the

> research take over your life.

IMR>>>>>>It hasn't.

She is a nice gal, but just doesn't want to hear anything healing,

and she hates to read or learn things on her own,...is alwasy waiting

for me to teach her things.... so I need to respect that is the way

she is . However, it gets hard to share, when you can't share about

what is important to you, and can only be in la-la-land,. Hmmmmm....a

little light is coming on. I guess I need to put that friendship in a

better perspective....no matter how sweet she basically is.

>

> Try to limit it to certain hours. Spend the time you've alloted for

> it and then stop. This will put some boundaries on illness - it is

> a way of telling the illness that you know it exists and you will

> give it the attention it needs, but you will not let it take over.

IMR>>>>>>>>Being very ADD, this becomes a challenge, but I do try,

believe me I do.....I need to post this thought of yours on the wall

above my desk.

>

> I am sorry you are going through this, Inga. I have trouble

> getting things done, too. Is there anyone you can ask to sit

> down with you to do paperwork?

IMR>>>>>>>Nope, there is not a soul out here, and I rarely get into

the town 25 miles away....I am very stuck out here alone, and I have

been thinking about a way to get the heck out of here, (pretty as it

is), but without strong health and money, that is a real challenge. I

have almost resolved that I just need to learn to live with the

isolation , until someday down the road, things change. I still

dream, but have gained a lot more acceptance over it all.....For the

most part, I am really good at being alone, but sometimes it really

gets to me.

> If there isn't a friend who can

> do this, maybe there is someone at a local church or social service

> agency who can sit with you and help you take care of paperwork that

> might help you get financial assistance.

IMR>>>>>>There is none available in Northern Idaho. Any assistance at

all is limited only to those with children, or those with state

recognized disability.

I giggled to myself , when I finally asked the social services

networks if there could be any assistance in helping me get out of

the state to another state, where there is aid

available, .....needless to say, they didn't find that humorous in

the slightest, but I managed to get a laugh out of it, LOLOL. I even

asked another online friend if they could help me make some children

real fast, Ah-ahahahah!

>

>

> Well, you know, those sound like appropriate questions for

> a friend or employer to ask

> It sounds like he/they can see

> the stress you are under and they are expressing concern and

> asking what's up with you. Maybe you *are* having a bad week.

IMR>>>>>You are probably right, And yes, .of course I am, and I tried

to explain that.....and the work coming my way has been very

stressful for me. On top of that, I was stranded without car for 8

days, and then there was no power or phones for the next 3 days, I

lost all my food, then I was very ill for a week....then I tried to

chelate and went bonkers.....ARGH!

>

> I would look back at the email they mention and see what you

> said - it sounds like you said something that hit someone the

> wrong way - good idea to figure out what that's about and address

> it. Open, honest communication is really helpful and important.

IMR>>>>Always

> Problems like this don't get solved unless you start with

> communication.

IIMR>>Naturally, I went through all my emails (3 times) and didn't

see much but attempted to communicate with him, He does it all be

email...I am still waiting to hear back The fellow is a stroke victim

himself, and has brain problems because of the medications,...makes

things tougher on both ends, I am sure...and more stressful, no

matter how much I like the fellow and how driven he is.

This fellow is super driven, almost to a fault, and he knows it.....

>

> I think it is possible to let the illness get the upper hand and

> take over your life.

IMR>>>>>>Absolutley......we basically become what we think about the

most.!!! that is why I am so involved with learning glass work, and

about all the things I can not actually do right now...I am planning

for a future with a full and complete healing!

On the other hand, in my book, it is not easily possible to eat

healthy, and chelate, and take supplements, and read this forum,

without being conscious of the debilitating problems we are living

with and trying to heal. My friend, on the other hand, wants to know

nothing about her own body and believes in the ostrich method....even

when she was recenlty in the hospital for several days. she was not

able to tell me much about why she was there.

Today, once more with a clear head, I can see that that is just her.

Yesterday, when I temporarily went crazy, it all looked much different.

>

>

> That's certainly possible. Have you ever tried dosing more

> frequently?

IMR>>>>>I usually do. I usually do DMSA @ 2 1/2 hours. This time,

having a little DMPS to work with, I tried doing DMPS every 3 hours

as I take the ALA to see how it goes. It went very well, and then I

suddenly had a little stress and my brain went to a very scarey place.

>

> For now, you should just sit down amidst the pieces and let them

> be just as they are. Before you can fix anything you need to find

> a way to be comfortable with the reality of things.

IMR>>>>>Right, and I am back to that again..... after yesterday....

> Then you can begin to think rationally about the problems, organize

> how you are

> going to approach them, one at a time. Allot some time each day

> to " work on " things. Don't make it a lot of time. Start sketching

> out the things you need to do to get your life back on track.

IMR>>>>>>Been doing that constantly...the only difficulty I really

have here is that I can't keep up, and am getting more and more

behind. I believe that is what is so frustrating....losing ground

despite efforts.

> Get

> organized, keep notes in folders or notebooks, and get good at

> putting it all away for the day when your alloted time is up.

IMR>>>>I do that...have been doing that for a long time....I have

three dry erase boards as well, (categorized by greater and lesser

importance) so I can write things down and not have to carry it all

around in my head.

>

> You know what? You might never get all the way there. Focus on

> the process and find ways to enjoy the process and you'll get a

> lot farther, a lot faster.

IMR>>>>>>Those are good words...learn to simply embrace the illness.

It is about control, and we can not move forward, until we have

accepted the " what is " ...no matter what once was...

Being somewhere where there were people around would help so

much....I guess that is why I finally blew it here yesterday when I

was having that horrible episode...I just needed to share with

SOMEBODY.......ANYONE!!! ANd yell and whine and scream!

Thank goodness, I am much, much, much better today, and have my

falculties back again. (WHEW!)

I basically lost my mind there yesterday, even though I knew inside

it had to be a chemical thing. I am now thinking it must have been

from that one dose that was spaced at 4 hours apart by

accident......or maybe I didn't dose properly at night, and missed

one thing or the other with my sleepy head....dunno.....The steroids

helped, but didn't bring me completely back.

The only other time I have gone crazy like that before, is when I was

thinking I missed a dose, but was not sure, and took the next one

anyway. It felt almost like somebody had injected with some horrible

psychotropic drug, and there I was.....waiting for it to simply run

its course.....

Thanks for your kind words and input.

~Inga

>

>

>