Re: Jeanne - Sorry I bugged out

[Guest guest]

Marti,

I wonder if your children, grandchildren and anyone close to you

agrees with your description of yourself. Don't be so hard on you!

All of us age, change, gain, lose, but those close to us really

don't see it and the rest don't really matter. I have always thought

you sounded like a beautiful person - someone I would like to know.

Besides you live in Connecticut and that is my favorite state. (I

was born there and also lived there for a few years as a young career

woman.)

You have gone through so much lately I am surprised you can even come

up with such a good analytic letter. Guess it must have something to

do with the fact that you worked so hard with autistic children. (I

have a 21 year old autistic granddaughter who is doing quite well.

Very bright and interested in most sciences but does not do well

socially.)

You are a beautiful person.

Margaret B

> Hi Jeanne,

>

> I'm sorry I worried you. You can call me anytime. My number is

> in the pen pal list, but I think you already have it. Don't be

> shy. If I'm being selfish and not communicating call me and give

> me hell. Sometimes I need a good kick in the pants. (figuratively

> of course.) I wonder - would someone who hadn't been abused feel

> the necessity of writing figuratively? Just wondering.

>

> You are right about my hitting an emotional wall. So many things

> are up in the air about my life right now that I'm doing my

> withdrawal thing. I hardly ever leave my house when I'm this way.

> I'm not afraid to go outside so I don't have agoraphobia. At least

> I think I don't -don't really know the symptoms that well. I just

> profoundly don't want to. I don't want to get dressed in anything

> that I would wear in public or put any makeup on - don't use much

> anyway. I'm so pale and and my eyes look so bad - one eyelid

> droops and both eyes are bulging out a tiny bit and sometimes the

> white part of my eye is yellowish (all from Sarcoidosis) - and

> there are such deep deep dark circles under my eyes and my cheeks

> are so gaunt looking that I need some powder at least and some

> lipstick. If I am really going somewhere I try to put on real

> makeup to hide the ugliness that has become my face. Also the

> Predinisone I am still taking and the chemo drug have thinned my

> beautiful

> thick hair to where it has no body and just hangs there limp. My

> hair is turning grey/white from blonde and that makes me look even

> paler. I look like a stiff in a coffin before the funeral home's

> artist has painted me.

>

> I used to be pretty and fit - not to brag but just to make a

> point. I always looked a good 10 years younger than I am. People

> thought at lots of places that my daughters and son were my

> siblings - although I thought they were crazy. I was in the shape

> of someone who plays tennis obsessively and competitively. I

> played every day. My mother and my husband (ex) had worked so hard

> to make me believe that I was fat and ugly that I believed it and

> didn't like the way I looked then. I suffered from anorexia when I

> was younger but thank God I recovered from that. So I never got to

> enjoy how I looked anytime. It's only now when I look back at

> pictures that I can tell that I looked good then.

>

> So this is all just to say that this is a real difference for me.

> I'm not terribly upset about it, but I really don't recognize who I

> see in the mirror. I mean I don't have to wear a mask to scare

> kids at Halloween anymore.

>

> Anyway I basically stay inside, unless I have to - I mean

> absolutely have to and no one else can run the errand for me. I

> have to walk up the street to the group of mail boxes in the condo

> complex and so I get my mail about every 5 days so I don't have to

> go do all the things I've already described. I had to go to CVS

> this morning because I had my prescription for Ritalin that is

> written and can't be refilled and I have to sign for and show ID,

> so I had to go myself. I went this morning early and there weren't

> many people there. I got a mother's day card for my kids - the

> ones who are mothers - and then practically paced until the script

> was ready. I just wanted to go back home. While I'm still dressed

> (not that I'm naked in the house - just wear comfortable clothes -

> you know, ratty old ones - or sometimes I don't even take off my

> pjs) - I will get the mail, but it started pouring rain while I was

> out so will wait that out.

>

> Also when I'm this way I am paralyzed and can't seem to do

> anything that needs to be done. I'm so good at blocking out what I

> need to do - like pay the bills - that I can't even remember when

> things are due. Yes I do have it written down, but I kind of

> refuse to read it. I can need to make a phone call and pick up the

> phone and just put it back down. I know I'm really weird.

>

> Well I have rambled and written run on sentences and interrupted

> sentences and it will be a wonder if you can make any sense out of

> any of it.

>

> Again thanks for caring and I'll try not to do this again. It

> was rude. I'm sorry.

>

> I hope you are doing better,

>

> Marti

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you Margaret,

What a nice letter. I really appreciate it. I have thought the same about

you. You sound like you would be a great friend.

We do all change as we age. I guess I really came across as being quite vain.

I'm glad you see a beautiful person in my letters.

I was writing that right after a conversation with my daughter Andi about how

her mother-in-law has changed so much in the last 10 years. She was really

dowdy back then and she made herself over about 9 months ago and she is really

beautiful. We are the same age and we have gone in different directions. Jack,

my 6 year old grandson, told me when he was here not too long ago that I used to

look younger than Gramma (I'm Nana) and now Gramma looks younger. Out of the

pure mouths of babes. He of course meant nothing by it; it was just an

observation. A true one.

I was talking to Andi again and told her I had really changed in the last 10

years too. I basically said what I had written - without the uglies and stuff.

She sees what you are talking about. She agreed that I have changed a lot in

the last 10 years - that 10 years ago I had the saddest eyes she had ever seen -

even in her wedding photos. Now, she said, there is a twinkle in your eyes.

(Probably the result of grandchildren.) 10 years ago I had just been divorced a

little while and hadn't recovered at all from the terrible marriage I had been

in. Didn't know there was a twinkle now though. I need to think of it more

that way.

Thanks again,

Marti

Margaret Badner margaretbadner@...> wrote:

Marti,

I wonder if your children, grandchildren and anyone close to you

agrees with your description of yourself. Don't be so hard on you!

All of us age, change, gain, lose, but those close to us really

don't see it and the rest don't really matter. I have always thought

you sounded like a beautiful person - someone I would like to know.

Besides you live in Connecticut and that is my favorite state. (I

was born there and also lived there for a few years as a young career

woman.)

You have gone through so much lately I am surprised you can even come

up with such a good analytic letter. Guess it must have something to

do with the fact that you worked so hard with autistic children. (I

have a 21 year old autistic granddaughter who is doing quite well.

Very bright and interested in most sciences but does not do well

socially.)

You are a beautiful person.

Margaret B

> Hi Jeanne,

>

> I'm sorry I worried you. You can call me anytime. My number is

> in the pen pal list, but I think you already have it. Don't be

> shy. If I'm being selfish and not communicating call me and give

> me hell. Sometimes I need a good kick in the pants. (figuratively

> of course.) I wonder - would someone who hadn't been abused feel

> the necessity of writing figuratively? Just wondering.

>

> You are right about my hitting an emotional wall. So many things

> are up in the air about my life right now that I'm doing my

> withdrawal thing. I hardly ever leave my house when I'm this way.

> I'm not afraid to go outside so I don't have agoraphobia. At least

> I think I don't -don't really know the symptoms that well. I just

> profoundly don't want to. I don't want to get dressed in anything

> that I would wear in public or put any makeup on - don't use much

> anyway. I'm so pale and and my eyes look so bad - one eyelid

> droops and both eyes are bulging out a tiny bit and sometimes the

> white part of my eye is yellowish (all from Sarcoidosis) - and

> there are such deep deep dark circles under my eyes and my cheeks

> are so gaunt looking that I need some powder at least and some

> lipstick. If I am really going somewhere I try to put on real

> makeup to hide the ugliness that has become my face. Also the

> Predinisone I am still taking and the chemo drug have thinned my

> beautiful

> thick hair to where it has no body and just hangs there limp. My

> hair is turning grey/white from blonde and that makes me look even

> paler. I look like a stiff in a coffin before the funeral home's

> artist has painted me.

>

> I used to be pretty and fit - not to brag but just to make a

> point. I always looked a good 10 years younger than I am. People

> thought at lots of places that my daughters and son were my

> siblings - although I thought they were crazy. I was in the shape

> of someone who plays tennis obsessively and competitively. I

> played every day. My mother and my husband (ex) had worked so hard

> to make me believe that I was fat and ugly that I believed it and

> didn't like the way I looked then. I suffered from anorexia when I

> was younger but thank God I recovered from that. So I never got to

> enjoy how I looked anytime. It's only now when I look back at

> pictures that I can tell that I looked good then.

>

> So this is all just to say that this is a real difference for me.

> I'm not terribly upset about it, but I really don't recognize who I

> see in the mirror. I mean I don't have to wear a mask to scare

> kids at Halloween anymore.

>

> Anyway I basically stay inside, unless I have to - I mean

> absolutely have to and no one else can run the errand for me. I

> have to walk up the street to the group of mail boxes in the condo

> complex and so I get my mail about every 5 days so I don't have to

> go do all the things I've already described. I had to go to CVS

> this morning because I had my prescription for Ritalin that is

> written and can't be refilled and I have to sign for and show ID,

> so I had to go myself. I went this morning early and there weren't

> many people there. I got a mother's day card for my kids - the

> ones who are mothers - and then practically paced until the script

> was ready. I just wanted to go back home. While I'm still dressed

> (not that I'm naked in the house - just wear comfortable clothes -

> you know, ratty old ones - or sometimes I don't even take off my

> pjs) - I will get the mail, but it started pouring rain while I was

> out so will wait that out.

>

> Also when I'm this way I am paralyzed and can't seem to do

> anything that needs to be done. I'm so good at blocking out what I

> need to do - like pay the bills - that I can't even remember when

> things are due. Yes I do have it written down, but I kind of

> refuse to read it. I can need to make a phone call and pick up the

> phone and just put it back down. I know I'm really weird.

>

> Well I have rambled and written run on sentences and interrupted

> sentences and it will be a wonder if you can make any sense out of

> any of it.

>

> Again thanks for caring and I'll try not to do this again. It

> was rude. I'm sorry.

>

> I hope you are doing better,

>

> Marti

>

>

>

---------------------------------

Be a better friend, newshound, and know-it-all with Yahoo! Mobile. Try it now.

[Guest guest]

Marti,

I know how you feel. I have been married twice before and both of my

ex's used to tell me that I was fat and ugly. My first husband used

to tell me that the only reason people " acted " like my friends was

because they felt sorry for me because I was so stupid and fat. When

I was 3 months pregnant with my oldest son I weighed 112 pounds, at 5

months pregnant I weighed 117, that was not healthy for me or my

son. I started gaining weight when my doctor told me to not listen

to my husband (ex) and then I started eating to save my baby and

myself. My second husband would tell me I was getting fat so I would

lose a bunch of weight and then he would tell me that I was getting

to skinny so my weight fluctuated so much that I was so unhealthy. I

was physically and mentally abused for 16 years and finally got away

from it and met someone that I know will never hurt me like that.

The man I am with now has always been there right in front of my face

but I just never seen it because I thought I was a horrible person,

that I was fat and ugly. I could never understand why anybody would

want to love me and then I left my second husband by putting him in

jail. When I finally opened my eyes and realized that there has

always been someone right in front of me I had a hard time " letting "

him love me because of all the mental abuse I had went through. Now

I look back and know that all the horrible things they said to me was

all wrong, there loss not mine. I am such a better person now and I

don't need either one of them. The only reason I still talk to them

is because my 3 oldest kids are from my first 2 marriages, my two

youngest are actually my step sons but I look at them as my own

sons. If you ever need to talk just let me know, I know how mental

abuse can affect a person.

Take care,

>

> Hi Jeanne,

>

> I'm sorry I worried you. You can call me anytime. My number is

in the pen pal list, but I think you already have it. Don't be shy.

If I'm being selfish and not communicating call me and give me hell.

Sometimes I need a good kick in the pants. (figuratively of course.)

I wonder - would someone who hadn't been abused feel the necessity

of writing figuratively? Just wondering.

>

> You are right about my hitting an emotional wall. So many things

are up in the air about my life right now that I'm doing my

withdrawal thing. I hardly ever leave my house when I'm this way.

I'm not afraid to go outside so I don't have agoraphobia. At least I

think I don't -don't really know the symptoms that well. I just

profoundly don't want to. I don't want to get dressed in anything

that I would wear in public or put any makeup on - don't use much

anyway. I'm so pale and and my eyes look so bad - one eyelid droops

and both eyes are bulging out a tiny bit and sometimes the white part

of my eye is yellowish (all from Sarcoidosis) - and there are such

deep deep dark circles under my eyes and my cheeks are so gaunt

looking that I need some powder at least and some lipstick. If I am

really going somewhere I try to put on real makeup to hide the

ugliness that has become my face. Also the Predinisone I am still

taking and the chemo drug have thinned my beautiful

> thick hair to where it has no body and just hangs there limp. My

hair is turning grey/white from blonde and that makes me look even

paler. I look like a stiff in a coffin before the funeral home's

artist has painted me.

>

> I used to be pretty and fit - not to brag but just to make a

point. I always looked a good 10 years younger than I am. People

thought at lots of places that my daughters and son were my siblings -

although I thought they were crazy. I was in the shape of someone

who plays tennis obsessively and competitively. I played every day.

My mother and my husband (ex) had worked so hard to make me believe

that I was fat and ugly that I believed it and didn't like the way I

looked then. I suffered from anorexia when I was younger but thank

God I recovered from that. So I never got to enjoy how I looked

anytime. It's only now when I look back at pictures that I can tell

that I looked good then.

>

> So this is all just to say that this is a real difference for me.

I'm not terribly upset about it, but I really don't recognize who I

see in the mirror. I mean I don't have to wear a mask to scare kids

at Halloween anymore.

>

> Anyway I basically stay inside, unless I have to - I mean

absolutely have to and no one else can run the errand for me. I have

to walk up the street to the group of mail boxes in the condo complex

and so I get my mail about every 5 days so I don't have to go do all

the things I've already described. I had to go to CVS this morning

because I had my prescription for Ritalin that is written and can't

be refilled and I have to sign for and show ID, so I had to go

myself. I went this morning early and there weren't many people

there. I got a mother's day card for my kids - the ones who are

mothers - and then practically paced until the script was ready. I

just wanted to go back home. While I'm still dressed (not that I'm

naked in the house - just wear comfortable clothes - you know, ratty

old ones - or sometimes I don't even take off my pjs) - I will get

the mail, but it started pouring rain while I was out so will wait

that out.

>

> Also when I'm this way I am paralyzed and can't seem to do

anything that needs to be done. I'm so good at blocking out what I

need to do - like pay the bills - that I can't even remember when

things are due. Yes I do have it written down, but I kind of refuse

to read it. I can need to make a phone call and pick up the phone

and just put it back down. I know I'm really weird.

>

> Well I have rambled and written run on sentences and interrupted

sentences and it will be a wonder if you can make any sense out of

any of it.

>

> Again thanks for caring and I'll try not to do this again. It

was rude. I'm sorry.

>

> I hope you are doing better,

>

> Marti

>

>

>

>

>

> ---------------------------------

> Be a better friend, newshound, and know-it-all with Yahoo! Mobile.

Try it now.

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hey , I too am on the third, I always say I had to run to the third base to

get home. That is what I have in my now hubby.

 I am the one now feeling like the pits lately because of this fibro being the

worse since my fall and shoulder reconstruction 10 years ago.

funny how we let some men make us feel ugly, when in fact we have always

been fantastic.

Diane

GA Diane http://us.i1.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/i/mesg/tsmileys2/47.gif " >

Re: Jeanne - Sorry I bugged out

Marti,

I know how you feel.  I have been married twice before and both of my

ex's used to tell me that I was fat and ugly.  My first husband used

to tell me that the only reason people " acted " like my friends was

because they felt sorry for me because I was so stupid and fat.  When

I was 3 months pregnant with my oldest son I weighed 112 pounds, at 5

months pregnant I weighed 117, that was not healthy for me or my

son.  I started gaining weight when my doctor told me to not listen

to my husband (ex) and then I started eating to save my baby and

myself.  My second husband would tell me I was getting fat so I would

lose a bunch of weight and then he would tell me that I was getting

to skinny so my weight fluctuated so much that I was so unhealthy.  I

was physically and mentally abused for 16 years and finally got away

from it and met someone that I know will never hurt me like that. 

The man I am with now has always been there right in front of my face

but I just never seen it because I thought I was a horrible person,

that I was fat and ugly.  I could never understand why anybody would

want to love me and then I left my second husband by putting him in

jail.  When I finally opened my eyes and realized that there has

always been someone right in front of me I had a hard time " letting "

him love me because of all the mental abuse I had went through.  Now

I look back and know that all the horrible things they said to me was

all wrong, there loss not mine.  I am such a better person now and I

don't need either one of them.  The only reason I still talk to them

is because my 3 oldest kids are from my first 2 marriages, my two

youngest are actually my step sons but I look at them as my own

sons.  If you ever need to talk just let me know, I know how mental

abuse can affect a person.

Take care,

>

> Hi Jeanne,

>   

>  I'm sorry I worried you.  You can call me anytime.  My number is

in the pen pal list, but I think you already have it.  Don't be shy. 

If I'm being selfish and not communicating call me and give me hell. 

Sometimes I need a good kick in the pants. (figuratively of course.) 

I wonder  - would someone who hadn't been abused feel the necessity

of writing figuratively?  Just wondering.

>   

>  You are right about my hitting an emotional wall.  So many things

are up in the air about my life right now that I'm doing my

withdrawal thing.  I hardly ever leave my house when I'm this way. 

I'm not afraid to go outside so I don't have agoraphobia.  At least I

think I don't -don't really know the symptoms that well.  I just

profoundly don't want to.  I don't want to get dressed in anything

that I would wear in public or put any makeup on - don't use much

anyway.  I'm so pale and and my eyes look so bad - one eyelid droops

and both eyes are bulging out a tiny bit and sometimes the white part

of my eye is yellowish (all from Sarcoidosis) - and there are such

deep deep dark circles under my eyes and my cheeks are so gaunt

looking that I need some powder at least and some lipstick.  If I am

really going somewhere I try to put on real makeup to hide the

ugliness that has become my face.  Also the Predinisone I am still

taking and the chemo drug have thinned my beautiful

>  thick hair to where it has no body and just hangs there limp.  My

hair is turning grey/white from blonde and that makes me look even

paler.  I look like a stiff in a coffin before the funeral home's

artist has painted me.

>   

>  I used to be pretty and fit - not to brag but just to make a

point.  I always looked a good 10 years younger than I am.  People

thought at lots of places that my daughters and son were my siblings -

although I thought they were crazy.  I was in the shape of someone

who plays tennis obsessively and competitively.  I played every day. 

My mother and my husband (ex) had worked so hard to make me believe

that I was fat and ugly that I believed it and didn't like the way I

looked then.  I suffered from anorexia when I was younger but thank

God I recovered from that.  So I never got to enjoy how I looked

anytime.  It's only now when I look back at pictures that I can tell

that I looked good then.

>

> So this is all just to say that this is a real difference for me. 

I'm not terribly upset about it, but I really don't recognize who I

see in the mirror.  I mean I don't have to wear a mask to scare kids

at Halloween anymore.

>   

>  Anyway I basically stay inside, unless I have to - I mean

absolutely have to and no one else can run the errand for me.  I have

to walk up the street to the group of mail boxes in the condo complex

and so I get my mail about every 5 days so I don't have to go do all

the things I've already described.  I had to go to CVS this morning

because I had my prescription for Ritalin that is written and can't

be refilled and I have to sign for and show ID, so I had to go

myself.  I went this morning early and there weren't many people

there.  I got a mother's day card for my kids - the ones who are

mothers - and then practically paced until the script was ready.  I

just wanted to go back home.  While I'm still dressed (not that I'm

naked in the house - just wear comfortable clothes - you know, ratty

old ones - or sometimes I don't even take off my pjs) - I will get

the mail, but it started pouring rain while I was out so will wait

that out.

>   

>  Also when I'm this way I am paralyzed and can't seem to do

anything that needs to be done.  I'm so good at blocking out what I

need to do - like pay the bills - that I can't even remember when

things are due.  Yes I do have it written down, but I kind of refuse

to read it.  I can need to make a phone call and pick up the phone

and just put it back down.  I know I'm really weird.

>   

>  Well I have rambled and written run on sentences and interrupted

sentences and it will be a wonder if you can make any sense out of

any of it.

>   

>  Again thanks for caring and I'll try not to do this again.  It

was rude.  I'm sorry.

>   

>  I hope you are doing better,

>   

>  Marti

>   

>                           

>

>

>       

> ---------------------------------

> Be a better friend, newshound, and know-it-all with Yahoo! Mobile. 

Try it now.

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

I am so sorry that you had to go thru such abuse twice. I'm glad that you

finally found someone who loves you for who you are and is there for you.

I grew up with mental and physical abuse so it was easy for me to graduate to

marrying someone who ended up doing the same. I was so brain washed that they

were all right about me that I was married for 28 years. Can you believe it?

I would love to meet someone who would be there for me, but since I leave the

house so little they would have to ring my doorbell to tell me they're

interested. Somehow I don't think Clooney is gonna come a knocking!

Isn't it terrible that we have to keep in touch with the old ex or in your

case ex's? My daughter Andi has holidays at her house (she says its too much

trouble to leave and so has decreed that if you want to spend a holiday with her

you have to come to her house - yes she is selfish just like my ex and has a

temper to boot) and she invites everyone. My ex and his wife come to

Thanksgiving and Easter and the three kids birthdays. It is just terrible for

me and my son but she won't change things. Sometimes I don't go because I don't

want to put up with him, but also don't want to let him dictate, by just being

there, where I go. Andi and Joe live in a 3 bedroom ranch which is not anywhere

near big enough for all those people. We are all crammed into the living room

and so I end up having to interact with them. My son has a really hard time

dealing with his father so he hates going with everyone too and probably won't

again, he told me. Easter his father was really

mean to him and Kev said " that's it. " It's hard to know what to do.

I'd love to chat with you sometime.

Have a happy mother's day.

Marti

jant6886 jant6886@...> wrote:

Marti,

I know how you feel. I have been married twice before and both of my

ex's used to tell me that I was fat and ugly. My first husband used

to tell me that the only reason people " acted " like my friends was

because they felt sorry for me because I was so stupid and fat. When

I was 3 months pregnant with my oldest son I weighed 112 pounds, at 5

months pregnant I weighed 117, that was not healthy for me or my

son. I started gaining weight when my doctor told me to not listen

to my husband (ex) and then I started eating to save my baby and

myself. My second husband would tell me I was getting fat so I would

lose a bunch of weight and then he would tell me that I was getting

to skinny so my weight fluctuated so much that I was so unhealthy. I

was physically and mentally abused for 16 years and finally got away

from it and met someone that I know will never hurt me like that.

The man I am with now has always been there right in front of my face

but I just never seen it because I thought I was a horrible person,

that I was fat and ugly. I could never understand why anybody would

want to love me and then I left my second husband by putting him in

jail. When I finally opened my eyes and realized that there has

always been someone right in front of me I had a hard time " letting "

him love me because of all the mental abuse I had went through. Now

I look back and know that all the horrible things they said to me was

all wrong, there loss not mine. I am such a better person now and I

don't need either one of them. The only reason I still talk to them

is because my 3 oldest kids are from my first 2 marriages, my two

youngest are actually my step sons but I look at them as my own

sons. If you ever need to talk just let me know, I know how mental

abuse can affect a person.

Take care,

>

> Hi Jeanne,

>

> I'm sorry I worried you. You can call me anytime. My number is

in the pen pal list, but I think you already have it. Don't be shy.

If I'm being selfish and not communicating call me and give me hell.

Sometimes I need a good kick in the pants. (figuratively of course.)

I wonder - would someone who hadn't been abused feel the necessity

of writing figuratively? Just wondering.

>

> You are right about my hitting an emotional wall. So many things

are up in the air about my life right now that I'm doing my

withdrawal thing. I hardly ever leave my house when I'm this way.

I'm not afraid to go outside so I don't have agoraphobia. At least I

think I don't -don't really know the symptoms that well. I just

profoundly don't want to. I don't want to get dressed in anything

that I would wear in public or put any makeup on - don't use much

anyway. I'm so pale and and my eyes look so bad - one eyelid droops

and both eyes are bulging out a tiny bit and sometimes the white part

of my eye is yellowish (all from Sarcoidosis) - and there are such

deep deep dark circles under my eyes and my cheeks are so gaunt

looking that I need some powder at least and some lipstick. If I am

really going somewhere I try to put on real makeup to hide the

ugliness that has become my face. Also the Predinisone I am still

taking and the chemo drug have thinned my beautiful

> thick hair to where it has no body and just hangs there limp. My

hair is turning grey/white from blonde and that makes me look even

paler. I look like a stiff in a coffin before the funeral home's

artist has painted me.

>

> I used to be pretty and fit - not to brag but just to make a

point. I always looked a good 10 years younger than I am. People

thought at lots of places that my daughters and son were my siblings -

although I thought they were crazy. I was in the shape of someone

who plays tennis obsessively and competitively. I played every day.

My mother and my husband (ex) had worked so hard to make me believe

that I was fat and ugly that I believed it and didn't like the way I

looked then. I suffered from anorexia when I was younger but thank

God I recovered from that. So I never got to enjoy how I looked

anytime. It's only now when I look back at pictures that I can tell

that I looked good then.

>

> So this is all just to say that this is a real difference for me.

I'm not terribly upset about it, but I really don't recognize who I

see in the mirror. I mean I don't have to wear a mask to scare kids

at Halloween anymore.

>

> Anyway I basically stay inside, unless I have to - I mean

absolutely have to and no one else can run the errand for me. I have

to walk up the street to the group of mail boxes in the condo complex

and so I get my mail about every 5 days so I don't have to go do all

the things I've already described. I had to go to CVS this morning

because I had my prescription for Ritalin that is written and can't

be refilled and I have to sign for and show ID, so I had to go

myself. I went this morning early and there weren't many people

there. I got a mother's day card for my kids - the ones who are

mothers - and then practically paced until the script was ready. I

just wanted to go back home. While I'm still dressed (not that I'm

naked in the house - just wear comfortable clothes - you know, ratty

old ones - or sometimes I don't even take off my pjs) - I will get

the mail, but it started pouring rain while I was out so will wait

that out.

>

> Also when I'm this way I am paralyzed and can't seem to do

anything that needs to be done. I'm so good at blocking out what I

need to do - like pay the bills - that I can't even remember when

things are due. Yes I do have it written down, but I kind of refuse

to read it. I can need to make a phone call and pick up the phone

and just put it back down. I know I'm really weird.

>

> Well I have rambled and written run on sentences and interrupted

sentences and it will be a wonder if you can make any sense out of

any of it.

>

> Again thanks for caring and I'll try not to do this again. It

was rude. I'm sorry.

>

> I hope you are doing better,

>

> Marti

>

>

>

>

>

> ---------------------------------

> Be a better friend, newshound, and know-it-all with Yahoo! Mobile.

Try it now.

>

>

[Guest guest]

Guys,

I have been diagnosed with Agoraphobia and with waht is going on right now its

not fun.

Hugs

Lori H

Marti Boguski martibowenboguski@...> wrote:

Hi ,

I am so sorry that you had to go thru such abuse twice. I'm glad that you

finally found someone who loves you for who you are and is there for you.

I grew up with mental and physical abuse so it was easy for me to graduate to

marrying someone who ended up doing the same. I was so brain washed that they

were all right about me that I was married for 28 years. Can you believe it?

I would love to meet someone who would be there for me, but since I leave the

house so little they would have to ring my doorbell to tell me they're

interested. Somehow I don't think Clooney is gonna come a knocking!

Isn't it terrible that we have to keep in touch with the old ex or in your case

ex's? My daughter Andi has holidays at her house (she says its too much trouble

to leave and so has decreed that if you want to spend a holiday with her you

have to come to her house - yes she is selfish just like my ex and has a temper

to boot) and she invites everyone. My ex and his wife come to Thanksgiving and

Easter and the three kids birthdays. It is just terrible for me and my son but

she won't change things. Sometimes I don't go because I don't want to put up

with him, but also don't want to let him dictate, by just being there, where I

go. Andi and Joe live in a 3 bedroom ranch which is not anywhere near big enough

for all those people. We are all crammed into the living room and so I end up

having to interact with them. My son has a really hard time dealing with his

father so he hates going with everyone too and probably won't again, he told me.

Easter his father was really

mean to him and Kev said " that's it. " It's hard to know what to do.

I'd love to chat with you sometime.

Have a happy mother's day.

Marti

jant6886 jant6886@...> wrote:

Marti,

I know how you feel. I have been married twice before and both of my

ex's used to tell me that I was fat and ugly. My first husband used

to tell me that the only reason people " acted " like my friends was

because they felt sorry for me because I was so stupid and fat. When

I was 3 months pregnant with my oldest son I weighed 112 pounds, at 5

months pregnant I weighed 117, that was not healthy for me or my

son. I started gaining weight when my doctor told me to not listen

to my husband (ex) and then I started eating to save my baby and

myself. My second husband would tell me I was getting fat so I would

lose a bunch of weight and then he would tell me that I was getting

to skinny so my weight fluctuated so much that I was so unhealthy. I

was physically and mentally abused for 16 years and finally got away

from it and met someone that I know will never hurt me like that.

The man I am with now has always been there right in front of my face

but I just never seen it because I thought I was a horrible person,

that I was fat and ugly. I could never understand why anybody would

want to love me and then I left my second husband by putting him in

jail. When I finally opened my eyes and realized that there has

always been someone right in front of me I had a hard time " letting "

him love me because of all the mental abuse I had went through. Now

I look back and know that all the horrible things they said to me was

all wrong, there loss not mine. I am such a better person now and I

don't need either one of them. The only reason I still talk to them

is because my 3 oldest kids are from my first 2 marriages, my two

youngest are actually my step sons but I look at them as my own

sons. If you ever need to talk just let me know, I know how mental

abuse can affect a person.

Take care,

>

> Hi Jeanne,

>

> I'm sorry I worried you. You can call me anytime. My number is

in the pen pal list, but I think you already have it. Don't be shy.

If I'm being selfish and not communicating call me and give me hell.

Sometimes I need a good kick in the pants. (figuratively of course.)

I wonder - would someone who hadn't been abused feel the necessity

of writing figuratively? Just wondering.

>

> You are right about my hitting an emotional wall. So many things

are up in the air about my life right now that I'm doing my

withdrawal thing. I hardly ever leave my house when I'm this way.

I'm not afraid to go outside so I don't have agoraphobia. At least I

think I don't -don't really know the symptoms that well. I just

profoundly don't want to. I don't want to get dressed in anything

that I would wear in public or put any makeup on - don't use much

anyway. I'm so pale and and my eyes look so bad - one eyelid droops

and both eyes are bulging out a tiny bit and sometimes the white part

of my eye is yellowish (all from Sarcoidosis) - and there are such

deep deep dark circles under my eyes and my cheeks are so gaunt

looking that I need some powder at least and some lipstick. If I am

really going somewhere I try to put on real makeup to hide the

ugliness that has become my face. Also the Predinisone I am still

taking and the chemo drug have thinned my beautiful

> thick hair to where it has no body and just hangs there limp. My

hair is turning grey/white from blonde and that makes me look even

paler. I look like a stiff in a coffin before the funeral home's

artist has painted me.

>

> I used to be pretty and fit - not to brag but just to make a

point. I always looked a good 10 years younger than I am. People

thought at lots of places that my daughters and son were my siblings -

although I thought they were crazy. I was in the shape of someone

who plays tennis obsessively and competitively. I played every day.

My mother and my husband (ex) had worked so hard to make me believe

that I was fat and ugly that I believed it and didn't like the way I

looked then. I suffered from anorexia when I was younger but thank

God I recovered from that. So I never got to enjoy how I looked

anytime. It's only now when I look back at pictures that I can tell

that I looked good then.

>

> So this is all just to say that this is a real difference for me.

I'm not terribly upset about it, but I really don't recognize who I

see in the mirror. I mean I don't have to wear a mask to scare kids

at Halloween anymore.

>

> Anyway I basically stay inside, unless I have to - I mean

absolutely have to and no one else can run the errand for me. I have

to walk up the street to the group of mail boxes in the condo complex

and so I get my mail about every 5 days so I don't have to go do all

the things I've already described. I had to go to CVS this morning

because I had my prescription for Ritalin that is written and can't

be refilled and I have to sign for and show ID, so I had to go

myself. I went this morning early and there weren't many people

there. I got a mother's day card for my kids - the ones who are

mothers - and then practically paced until the script was ready. I

just wanted to go back home. While I'm still dressed (not that I'm

naked in the house - just wear comfortable clothes - you know, ratty

old ones - or sometimes I don't even take off my pjs) - I will get

the mail, but it started pouring rain while I was out so will wait

that out.

>

> Also when I'm this way I am paralyzed and can't seem to do

anything that needs to be done. I'm so good at blocking out what I

need to do - like pay the bills - that I can't even remember when

things are due. Yes I do have it written down, but I kind of refuse

to read it. I can need to make a phone call and pick up the phone

and just put it back down. I know I'm really weird.

>

> Well I have rambled and written run on sentences and interrupted

sentences and it will be a wonder if you can make any sense out of

any of it.

>

> Again thanks for caring and I'll try not to do this again. It

was rude. I'm sorry.

>

> I hope you are doing better,

>

> Marti

>

>

>

>

>

> ---------------------------------

> Be a better friend, newshound, and know-it-all with Yahoo! Mobile.

Try it now.

>

>

[Guest guest]

Marti - I did not intend to make you feel guilty. I totally get it. I am in my

PJ's just about every day, and only drag my butt in the shower when I absolutely

have to.

You are going through so much. I just wanted to say that I was glad you were

back. Someday I will get the courage to call you. I guess that is a little

phobia of mine. It's so much easier to communicate by email. You take care and

post when you can. Next time I worry I will call.

Your friend,

Jeanne in WI

I'm sorry I worried you. You can call me anytime. My number is in the pen

pal list, but I think you already have it. Don't be shy. If I'm being selfish

and not communicating call me and give me hell. Sometimes I need a good kick in

the pants. (figuratively of course.) I wonder - would someone who hadn't been

abused feel the necessity of writing figuratively? Just wondering.

You are right about my hitting an emotional wall. So many things are up in

the air about my life right now that I'm doing my withdrawal thing. I hardly

ever leave my house when I'm this way. I'm not afraid to go outside so I don't

have agoraphobia. At least I think I don't -don't really know the symptoms that

well. I just profoundly don't want to. I don't want to get dressed in anything

that I would wear in public or put any makeup on - don't use much anyway. I'm

so pale and and my eyes look so bad - one eyelid droops and both eyes are

bulging out a tiny bit and sometimes the white part of my eye is yellowish (all

from Sarcoidosis) - and there are such deep deep dark circles under my eyes and

my cheeks are so gaunt looking that I need some powder at least and some

lipstick. If I am really going somewhere I try to put on real makeup to hide

the ugliness that has become my face. Also the Predinisone I am still taking

and the chemo drug have thinned my beautiful thick hair to where it has no body

and just hangs there limp. My hair is turning grey/white from blonde and that

makes me look even paler. I look like a stiff in a coffin before the funeral

home's artist has painted me.

I used to be pretty and fit - not to brag but just to make a point. I

always looked a good 10 years younger than I am. People thought at lots of

places that my daughters and son were my siblings - although I thought they were

crazy. I was in the shape of someone who plays tennis obsessively and

competitively. I played every day. My mother and my husband (ex) had worked so

hard to make me believe that I was fat and ugly that I believed it and didn't

like the way I looked then. I suffered from anorexia when I was younger but

thank God I recovered from that. So I never got to enjoy how I looked anytime.

It's only now when I look back at pictures that I can tell that I looked good

then.

So this is all just to say that this is a real difference for me. I'm not

terribly upset about it, but I really don't recognize who I see in the mirror.

I mean I don't have to wear a mask to scare kids at Halloween anymore.

Anyway I basically stay inside, unless I have to - I mean absolutely have to

and no one else can run the errand for me. I have to walk up the street to the

group of mail boxes in the condo complex and so I get my mail about every 5 days

so I don't have to go do all the things I've already described. I had to go to

CVS this morning because I had my prescription for Ritalin that is written and

can't be refilled and I have to sign for and show ID, so I had to go myself. I

went this morning early and there weren't many people there. I got a mother's

day card for my kids - the ones who are mothers - and then practically paced

until the script was ready. I just wanted to go back home. While I'm still

dressed (not that I'm naked in the house - just wear comfortable clothes - you

know, ratty old ones - or sometimes I don't even take off my pjs) - I will get

the mail, but it started pouring rain while I was out so will wait that out.

Also when I'm this way I am paralyzed and can't seem to do anything that

needs to be done. I'm so good at blocking out what I need to do - like pay the

bills - that I can't even remember when things are due. Yes I do have it

written down, but I kind of refuse to read it. I can need to make a phone call

and pick up the phone and just put it back down. I know I'm really weird.

Well I have rambled and written run on sentences and interrupted sentences

and it will be a wonder if you can make any sense out of any of it.

Again thanks for caring and I'll try not to do this again. It was rude.

I'm sorry.

I hope you are doing better,

Marti

[Guest guest]

I agree with everything you said, Margaret.

What a beautiful reply.

Jeanne in WI

Marti,

I wonder if your children, grandchildren and anyone close to you agrees with

your description of yourself. Don't be so hard on you! All of us age, change,

gain, lose, but those close to us really don't see it and the rest don't

really matter. I have always thought you sounded like a beautiful person -

someone I would like to know. Besides you live in Connecticut and that is my

favorite state. (I was born there and also lived there for a few years as a

young career woman.)

You have gone through so much lately I am surprised you can even come up with

such a good analytic letter. Guess it must have something to do with the fact

that you worked so hard with autistic children. (I have a 21 year old autistic

granddaughter who is doing quite well. Very bright and interested in most

sciences but does not do well socially.)

You are a beautiful person.

Margaret B