help

[Guest guest]

Oh Suzanne,

I've been right where you are today. Felt the same way and thought the same

thoughts. Even to friends and family being angry at you for not being who they

want you to be. I know how bad it feels to be in that place and it's really

bad. This is one place, although it is impersonal and not your loved ones like

you would want it to be, where you are accepted just for who you are. I am real

even though you don't know me. It doesn't matter a lot I'm sure, but I care.

I've had a husband do things that made me feel like you feel. My mother, who

has never really cared, acts as if there is nothing wrong with me and is so

bothered when I say I don't feel well. My friends got tired of me and other

than a few who live out of state that I've known forever have left me alone.

Who knows they might leave me to if they lived near me and had to actually

experience it. I'm going to be homeless and my daughter who I raised with and

still give unconditional love says she can't help

me. I live alone and feel alone and lonely a lot of the time.

I know you just want a kind word and a little bit of understanding from

friends and family. It doesn't seem like asking a lot does it.

I'm telling you all of this about me because I want you to know that I feel

better right now. I go to that place but so far I've always come back to being

a relatively happy person. Sometimes I hate my family and friends and then I

come back to my more normal place of accepting them and going on anyway. I've

had to accept that I can't expect anything from anybody. I've spent a lot of

time crying, but have stopped mostly because it messes up my sinuses so much.

I'm so glad that the woman at church spoke to you about how hard it must be

for you and I'm sorry it wasn't your mother or your husband. I wish I could

wring their necks and point them in the right direction. I wish I could drop

kick you husband for making you feel so badly about yourself. I wish I could

make all the pain and fatigue and brain fog go away for you so that you could

just tell them to take a flying leap and get on with your life.

I really like your e-mail address. It makes me smile

I care about you.

Marti

Suzanne yourock.irule@...> wrote:

I am gonna go on and apologize if anything I say violates the religion

rule. I am going to mention my religion, but I am in no way tryin to

promote it or anything. Its just part of the pain today, and I think

everyone could sympathize with this one..

I hate today.

I cried all night last night because of a fight with my husband. Let

me just say, because I dont want to talk about it, he said and did

something last night that makes me feel less human and more like

property.

I was sitting in church today... even when I hurt, I still go, because

I guess when it boils down, I still believe God is the only person who

ever loved me really. Plenty say they do, but most of them end up

being abusive in one way or another... I learned a long time ago, talk

is cheap, but actions are honest.

The pastor was talking about heaven today. I found myself actually

crying because truthfully, I want to die. I dont want to be here

anymore and i dont want to live. I dont want to fight anymore and i

dont want to do this. I dont want to spend hours online just so I can

in some impersonal way be around someone that " gets it " . I dont want

to go to another doctor that doesnt care and hurts me more than helps.

I dont want to hear any more of my so called loved ones' bull s**t. I

hate life and everyone and everything in it.

Before anyone noticed me crying, I left the sanctuary and went to the

parlor. My church has a few rooms like the parlor, with super comfy

couches and such for people who arent feeling well or nursing mothers

or whatever to go and lie down or what ever. Its quiet and dimly lit,

and they pipe the sermon in there, so you can hear, but not be around

people. I sat there, and just cried.

I snuck back in to the service at the end, mainly to tell my mom I was

leaving. I sat down, because of course, I was tired and hurting from

this disease that plagues my pathetic excuse for a life and had to

take a break because I had walked for 100 feet.

I went ahead and waited the 10 minutes until the service was over. Its

not like it mattered really, my husband was home, asleep, because its

not like he was going to be taking care of me today. its almost 4 an

he just got up. must be nice.

This lady walked up to me as I was leaving and told me " I want you to

know that its so inspiring to see you here. I see you moving slowly

because you hurt, and cringe when you have tostand up... and I want

you to know I think you are brave for trying so hard. "

It meant alot... but i cried again.

One in a hundred act like she does and at least appreciate out

efforts. Probably more like one in a thousand. As nice as that was,

she isnt one of the people that it would have meant alot from... like

my husband, family, or friends, who seem angry at me for slowing down

their lives.

sorry I am so negative today. i dont want to fake another smile to put

others at ease.

-Suzanne

---------------------------------

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[Guest guest]

Thank you so much marti... that means the world to me to not be alone.

I sent you an email, just fyi in case your spam filter grabs it.

Im glad you like my email addy... Im glad it makes you smile :-)

Take care

-Suzanne

[Guest guest]

Thanks for the e-mail. I got it, but I know what you mean about the spam filter

grabbing it - I have that happen a lot when I first get something.

You are so welcome.

Feel better,

Marti

Suzanne yourock.irule@...> wrote:

Thank you so much marti... that means the world to me to not be alone.

I sent you an email, just fyi in case your spam filter grabs it.

Im glad you like my email addy... Im glad it makes you smile :-)

Take care

-Suzanne

---------------------------------

Be a better friend, newshound, and know-it-all with Yahoo! Mobile. Try it now.

[Guest guest]

I know how much a thought or caring glance like that from our friends or

family would mean, but they are so close, they are used to it and a stranger

saying that would be heart-felt. I am sorry you are in a bad way. My prayeys

are with you.

Hugs,

On Sun, Apr 27, 2008 at 6:01 PM, Kristi Arcq happycricket87@...>

wrote:

> Hi Suzanne,

> My name is Kristi. Here is a giant ((HUG))! My husband and I were going

> through a really rough time, as well. Not saying exactly what is going on,

> suffice it to say that he is interested in a somewhat alternative lifestyle.

> I asked him to go to counseling with me, but he wouldn't go, so I went

> alone. I think it was the best thing that I could ever do. She was a third

> party who didn't know anything about me and she gave some advice and

> listened (mostly listened to me blubber!). It caused me to do an awful lot

> of soul searching. Finally I was just flat out honest and told him what I

> wanted and needed. I had to have these things for my own peace of mind, my

> health depended on it. Not to mention our daughter's happiness. If he

> didn't think he could live with that, I would have to say good-bye. We've

> done alot of talking and are still talking, but things are slowly getting

> better? I guess time will tell, huh?

> You are a special person, don't forget that. God has a plan for you. Do

> what makes you happy. I'm so glad that you went to church today. Seeing

> you there made a difference in that one ladies life, or she wouldn't have

> said anything to you.

> I hope that helps? Something in your letter called out to me, so I wrote.

> Take care and I hope you have a great night.

> Hugs,

> Kristi

>

> Suzanne yourock.irule@...> wrote:

> I am gonna go on and apologize if anything I say violates the

> religion

> rule. I am going to mention my religion, but I am in no way tryin to

> promote it or anything. Its just part of the pain today, and I think

> everyone could sympathize with this one..

>

> I hate today.

>

> I cried all night last night because of a fight with my husband. Let

> me just say, because I dont want to talk about it, he said and did

> something last night that makes me feel less human and more like

> property.

>

> I was sitting in church today... even when I hurt, I still go, because

> I guess when it boils down, I still believe God is the only person who

> ever loved me really. Plenty say they do, but most of them end up

> being abusive in one way or another... I learned a long time ago, talk

> is cheap, but actions are honest.

>

> The pastor was talking about heaven today. I found myself actually

> crying because truthfully, I want to die. I dont want to be here

> anymore and i dont want to live. I dont want to fight anymore and i

> dont want to do this. I dont want to spend hours online just so I can

> in some impersonal way be around someone that " gets it " . I dont want

> to go to another doctor that doesnt care and hurts me more than helps.

> I dont want to hear any more of my so called loved ones' bull s**t. I

> hate life and everyone and everything in it.

>

> Before anyone noticed me crying, I left the sanctuary and went to the

> parlor. My church has a few rooms like the parlor, with super comfy

> couches and such for people who arent feeling well or nursing mothers

> or whatever to go and lie down or what ever. Its quiet and dimly lit,

> and they pipe the sermon in there, so you can hear, but not be around

> people. I sat there, and just cried.

>

> I snuck back in to the service at the end, mainly to tell my mom I was

> leaving. I sat down, because of course, I was tired and hurting from

> this disease that plagues my pathetic excuse for a life and had to

> take a break because I had walked for 100 feet.

>

> I went ahead and waited the 10 minutes until the service was over. Its

> not like it mattered really, my husband was home, asleep, because its

> not like he was going to be taking care of me today. its almost 4 an

> he just got up. must be nice.

>

> This lady walked up to me as I was leaving and told me " I want you to

> know that its so inspiring to see you here. I see you moving slowly

> because you hurt, and cringe when you have tostand up... and I want

> you to know I think you are brave for trying so hard. "

>

> It meant alot... but i cried again.

>

> One in a hundred act like she does and at least appreciate out

> efforts. Probably more like one in a thousand. As nice as that was,

> she isnt one of the people that it would have meant alot from... like

> my husband, family, or friends, who seem angry at me for slowing down

> their lives.

>

> sorry I am so negative today. i dont want to fake another smile to put

> others at ease.

>

> -Suzanne

>

>

>

>

>

>

> ---------------------------------

> Be a better friend, newshound, and know-it-all with Yahoo! Mobile. Try it

> now.

>

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks so much all of you... it means alot.

To answer few questions.. I have had fibro since I was 12 o 13, and I

am about to be 20. So... most of my life.

The stuff with my husband... I have ptsd from something that happened

when I was 14. Because of that, some things trigger flashbacks

andrelapses. Other than that, I manage to deal with it. I made my

husband promise he would never push any of these issues before we got

married, and he agreed, and now he is pushing some of those issues,

and i am back having nightmares and flashbacks, and for the past few

days, cant even deal with people touching me. so yeah.. he is pushing

my limits.

I am on anti-depressants, but they dont seem to help.

As for doctors... no insurance=no doctors. Im surviving on left over

prescriptions I had for loritab from past injuries.

Again.. thank yall for the support.

> > I am gonna go on and apologize if anything I say

violates the

> > religion

> > rule. I am going to mention my religion, but I am in no way tryin to

> > promote it or anything. Its just part of the pain today, and I think

> > everyone could sympathize with this one..

> >

> > I hate today.

> >

> > I cried all night last night because of a fight with my husband. Let

> > me just say, because I dont want to talk about it, he said and did

> > something last night that makes me feel less human and more like

> > property.

> >

> > I was sitting in church today... even when I hurt, I still go, because

> > I guess when it boils down, I still believe God is the only person who

> > ever loved me really. Plenty say they do, but most of them end up

> > being abusive in one way or another... I learned a long time ago, talk

> > is cheap, but actions are honest.

> >

> > The pastor was talking about heaven today. I found myself actually

> > crying because truthfully, I want to die. I dont want to be here

> > anymore and i dont want to live. I dont want to fight anymore and i

> > dont want to do this. I dont want to spend hours online just so I can

> > in some impersonal way be around someone that " gets it " . I dont want

> > to go to another doctor that doesnt care and hurts me more than helps.

> > I dont want to hear any more of my so called loved ones' bull s**t. I

> > hate life and everyone and everything in it.

> >

> > Before anyone noticed me crying, I left the sanctuary and went to the

> > parlor. My church has a few rooms like the parlor, with super comfy

> > couches and such for people who arent feeling well or nursing mothers

> > or whatever to go and lie down or what ever. Its quiet and dimly lit,

> > and they pipe the sermon in there, so you can hear, but not be around

> > people. I sat there, and just cried.

> >

> > I snuck back in to the service at the end, mainly to tell my mom I was

> > leaving. I sat down, because of course, I was tired and hurting from

> > this disease that plagues my pathetic excuse for a life and had to

> > take a break because I had walked for 100 feet.

> >

> > I went ahead and waited the 10 minutes until the service was over. Its

> > not like it mattered really, my husband was home, asleep, because its

> > not like he was going to be taking care of me today. its almost 4 an

> > he just got up. must be nice.

> >

> > This lady walked up to me as I was leaving and told me " I want you to

> > know that its so inspiring to see you here. I see you moving slowly

> > because you hurt, and cringe when you have tostand up... and I want

> > you to know I think you are brave for trying so hard. "

> >

> > It meant alot... but i cried again.

> >

> > One in a hundred act like she does and at least appreciate out

> > efforts. Probably more like one in a thousand. As nice as that was,

> > she isnt one of the people that it would have meant alot from... like

> > my husband, family, or friends, who seem angry at me for slowing down

> > their lives.

> >

> > sorry I am so negative today. i dont want to fake another smile to put

> > others at ease.

> >

> > -Suzanne

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > ---------------------------------

> > Be a better friend, newshound, and know-it-all with Yahoo! Mobile.

Try it

> > now.

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Suzanne,

Please, please email me privately at lander2004@... anytime. I think I

can guess at what you are going through. Have you thought about leaving your

husband? Please don't give up on us. This is truly a unique and caring group of

individuals. I'm sorry you have been hurt by anyone you have loved...but it

doesn't always have to be that way. I know you are feeling helpless but please

hang in there. Write us....we will care about you honest.

Love and a great big hug,

/Mi

help

I am gonna go on and apologize if anything I say violates the religion

rule. I am going to mention my religion, but I am in no way tryin to

promote it or anything. Its just part of the pain today, and I think

everyone could sympathize with this one..

I hate today.

I cried all night last night because of a fight with my husband. Let

me just say, because I dont want to talk about it, he said and did

something last night that makes me feel less human and more like

property.

I was sitting in church today... even when I hurt, I still go, because

I guess when it boils down, I still believe God is the only person who

ever loved me really. Plenty say they do, but most of them end up

being abusive in one way or another... I learned a long time ago, talk

is cheap, but actions are honest.

The pastor was talking about heaven today. I found myself actually

crying because truthfully, I want to die. I dont want to be here

anymore and i dont want to live. I dont want to fight anymore and i

dont want to do this. I dont want to spend hours online just so I can

in some impersonal way be around someone that " gets it " . I dont want

to go to another doctor that doesnt care and hurts me more than helps.

I dont want to hear any more of my so called loved ones' bull s**t. I

hate life and everyone and everything in it.

Before anyone noticed me crying, I left the sanctuary and went to the

parlor. My church has a few rooms like the parlor, with super comfy

couches and such for people who arent feeling well or nursing mothers

or whatever to go and lie down or what ever. Its quiet and dimly lit,

and they pipe the sermon in there, so you can hear, but not be around

people. I sat there, and just cried.

I snuck back in to the service at the end, mainly to tell my mom I was

leaving. I sat down, because of course, I was tired and hurting from

this disease that plagues my pathetic excuse for a life and had to

take a break because I had walked for 100 feet.

I went ahead and waited the 10 minutes until the service was over. Its

not like it mattered really, my husband was home, asleep, because its

not like he was going to be taking care of me today. its almost 4 an

he just got up. must be nice.

This lady walked up to me as I was leaving and told me " I want you to

know that its so inspiring to see you here. I see you moving slowly

because you hurt, and cringe when you have tostand up... and I want

you to know I think you are brave for trying so hard. "

It meant alot... but i cried again.

One in a hundred act like she does and at least appreciate out

efforts. Probably more like one in a thousand. As nice as that was,

she isnt one of the people that it would have meant alot from... like

my husband, family, or friends, who seem angry at me for slowing down

their lives.

sorry I am so negative today. i dont want to fake another smile to put

others at ease.

-Suzanne

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 4/27/2008 1:30:48 P.M. Pacific Daylight Time,

yourock.irule@... writes:

sorry I am so negative today. i dont want to fake another smile to put

others at ease.

-Suzanne

I know how you feel about having to fake that you feel well, when all you

want is for someone that matters to you to notice that NO, you don't feel well

and you could use a little support. My heart goes out to you that you are

feeling the way that you do. Please don't give up, because God is going to

reward you in the end and when you get right down to it, God is all that

matters!!!! I'm proud of you for always pushing yourself to make it to church.

I

have seen too many hypocrites in the churches that I have gone to, so I have

given up on church...but that doesn't mean that I have given up on God!

Love and gentle hugs,

Debi/55-CA

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