RE: PJ's need for encouragement -long post!

[Guest guest]

Gosh PJ - my heart goes out to you in this terrible situation which I have

been following (altho without comment to date). It is an interesting approach

your counselor has suggested...and at first blush SEEMS the thing to do. But on

reflection, I'm not so sure I agree....esp since I have now taken a different

tack myself with my BPdaughter....

It is VERY painful of course, but I almost wonder if

you're only torturing yourself repeatedly by sending regular notes. I agree it's

important to keep the dialogue trail " open " , but I'm not convinced regular

" nice " notes are quite the way to go at this time.

Seems to me you've made it quite clear you're not slamming

the door in his face - so - IF/WHEN he finds he needs you (for whatever reason),

he knows where you are.

It has helped me to realize that my daughter IS " sick " ...not

worthy of an institution, but definitely a " screw IS loose " . And there's

nothing I can do about that. I've finally come to accept that " pursuing her "

(with

notes, calls, etc) at regular intervals is really the WORST thing I can do -

not only for the (hoped for) relationship, but for my OWN SANITY.

And maybe this is true for you too.

At this point, perhaps you can tell yourself " enough is

enough " and try to put him out of your mind for a while. Tell yourself you'll go

about your own business and let him do his - and try not to focus on him for a

while.

Then -IF something comes up - say, you see an item he might be

interested in for a hobby or other NON-EMOTIONAL or CONFRONTATIONAL item - send

him a note saying you saw it and thought he'd be interested. In other words,

find an area you might both have in common for communication. (With my

daughter, it is her interest in gardening...I tell her if I've seen a nice

orchid...that sort of thing).

In other words, KEEP IT IMPERSONAL...none of this appeal to

emotions (childhood pictures etc) which I suspect will only BACKFIRE. Certainly

I've come to realize that with my daughter. And don't communicate on any

" regular " basis.

Anyway, that's my thought for YOU and YOUR sanity, as that's

what's worked for ME. It has also produced a few surprising results. (She

actually

emailed us she was leaving for Paris and where she was staying...of course 4

hours before the flight left, but that's better than nothing I figure!)

Good luck to you - (non)

In a message dated 1/15/2006 7:35:29 P.M. Eastern Standard Time, pj7@...

writes:

Some of you may remember that on Dec 28 we send a positive and encouraging

letter to our son who has " disowned " us. So far we have no reply. Our

counselor has advised us to send him a short encouraging note once a month,

maybe include a picture that would stir a memory. The first letter would be

the end of February.

However, I find that today I am having a rough time emotionally. I am not

feeling real well with my CFIDS anyway. This does not help.

But what is going in my head is that we have been so nice to him when he is

really slamming us, all three of us, without justification. He owes us a

huge apology. Since he is not borderline but has been brainwashed by his

fiance I am wondering if our " make nice " letter will ever penetrate his

head.

But then I doubt a confrontational letter will get us anywhere either.

I guess I am having second thoughts though. I mean he is screwed up, but not

stupid. What if he senses that we are not being completely honest about our

feelings and just despises us more - like he feels manipulated?

Could it be that an honest confrontational - call it as we see it - letter

would make him stop and think?

Today is not a good day for me. I think we cannot win with this situation.

[Guest guest]

Thanks so much to each one who replied today. I know I will feel better

soon, probably by tomorrow morniing. I had run out of this mineral

replacement I had been taking - amazingly it is working and my depression is

mostly gone - but I still get these bad days once in awhile.

I THINK I actually feel better knowing we can send him a short note once a

month. I think what you are describing is what the counselor means. For

instance, we are thinking of getting a new cat. I can see where the first

note in another month would be a picture of the new cat and say, " We just

finally got another cat after six years. " Our son also took in a stray about

3 years ago. We do have a cute picture of him with his cat - we could

include that -but maybe just our new cat.

Anyway, you get the idea. I actually think this note will make me feel

better.

My concern is what it will do to him. If I put myself in his shoes I think I

would want my parents to be brutally honest.

One thing that concerns me is that he has attacked all three of us - and all

the charges are stupid, cruel and horrific. None of them are valid. It does

seem to me that, for instance, if I wrote stating that his father is a

wonderful man who loves me - that the silly stuff about the gay rodeo and

the other son's girlfriend are just NUTS. How would he react to that? Can he

separate from the insanity his girlfriend has programmed into his head?????

I don't know.

PJ

Gosh PJ - my heart goes out to you in this terrible situation which I

have

been following (altho without comment to date). It is an interesting

approach

your counselor has suggested...and at first blush SEEMS the thing to do.

But on

reflection, I'm not so sure I agree....esp since I have now taken a

different

tack myself with my BPdaughter....

It is VERY painful of course, but I almost wonder if

you're only torturing yourself repeatedly by sending regular notes. I

agree it's

important to keep the dialogue trail " open " , but I'm not convinced regular

" nice " notes are quite the way to go at this time.

Seems to me you've made it quite clear you're not slamming

the door in his face - so - IF/WHEN he finds he needs you (for whatever

reason),

he knows where you are.

It has helped me to realize that my daughter IS

" sick " ...not

worthy of an institution, but definitely a " screw IS loose " . And there's

nothing I can do about that. I've finally come to accept that " pursuing

her " (with

notes, calls, etc) at regular intervals is really the WORST thing I can

do -

not only for the (hoped for) relationship, but for my OWN SANITY.

And maybe this is true for you too.

At this point, perhaps you can tell yourself " enough is

enough " and try to put him out of your mind for a while. Tell yourself

you'll go

about your own business and let him do his - and try not to focus on him

for a

while.

Then -IF something comes up - say, you see an item he might

be

interested in for a hobby or other NON-EMOTIONAL or CONFRONTATIONAL item -

send

him a note saying you saw it and thought he'd be interested. In other

words,

find an area you might both have in common for communication. (With my

daughter, it is her interest in gardening...I tell her if I've seen a nice

orchid...that sort of thing).

In other words, KEEP IT IMPERSONAL...none of this appeal to

emotions (childhood pictures etc) which I suspect will only BACKFIRE.

Certainly

I've come to realize that with my daughter. And don't communicate on any

" regular " basis.

Anyway, that's my thought for YOU and YOUR sanity, as that's

what's worked for ME. It has also produced a few surprising results. (She

actually

emailed us she was leaving for Paris and where she was staying...of course

4

hours before the flight left, but that's better than nothing I figure!)

Good luck to you - (non)

In a message dated 1/15/2006 7:35:29 P.M. Eastern Standard Time,

pj7@...

writes:

Some of you may remember that on Dec 28 we send a positive and encouraging

letter to our son who has " disowned " us. So far we have no reply. Our

counselor has advised us to send him a short encouraging note once a

month,

maybe include a picture that would stir a memory. The first letter would

be

the end of February.

However, I find that today I am having a rough time emotionally. I am not

feeling real well with my CFIDS anyway. This does not help.

But what is going in my head is that we have been so nice to him when he

is

really slamming us, all three of us, without justification. He owes us a

huge apology. Since he is not borderline but has been brainwashed by his

fiance I am wondering if our " make nice " letter will ever penetrate his

head.

But then I doubt a confrontational letter will get us anywhere either.

I guess I am having second thoughts though. I mean he is screwed up, but

not

stupid. What if he senses that we are not being completely honest about

our

feelings and just despises us more - like he feels manipulated?

Could it be that an honest confrontational - call it as we see it - letter

would make him stop and think?

Today is not a good day for me. I think we cannot win with this situation.