Re: Re: I need strength today! JACKIE

[Guest guest]

Jackie,

I appreciate your email sooo much! I have been going thru H---, lately. I

really thought I could " fix " this enough that I could lead a somewhat normal

life. I knew I couldn't cure it, I just need it to let up enough that I can

work and be a good mom. I have been in one of the worst flare-ups I've ever

had. I started on Provigil and the first 6 days were amazing!! I had so much

energy and it gave me the extra strength I needed to push thru my pain more. I

went crazy cleaning, cooking, running errands, working out, etc. and on day 7 I

started feeling funny. I kept pushing, like a moron, and I crashed HARD the

next day. The severe pain and fatigue has left me bedridden and I can't eat or

sleep. I also am forgetting everything. Feeling so much better all those days

makes it that much harder to accept my fate. I thought I was finally going to

be able to find a great job and help us out of debt. I started researching jobs

and graduate programs. My house was clean, I cooked great food and we all had

more fun in life. My kids were happier. My husband was happier. He also felt

so relieved that I could startworking and help with the bills. But, NOOOO!!

I'm back in bed, crying a lot, and very, very depressed. The stress and tension

is back in our home. I am on Effexor. I really need Xanex!! I have been

having extreme anxiety. Every evening I feel like I'm going to crawl out of my

skin. And then I was told that 9 out of 10 spouses will leave a chronically ill

spouse. My side of the family is dead and I can't work. If my husband leaves

me, I'm done. I will have no way to support myself. The stress of all this and

our home being foreclosed, I'm not doing well at all. And for some reason, my

husband has lost his drive to work. He started a new job last year that has not

worked out at all. He is making 1/3 of what he used to, plus the insurance

policy they have is the WORST I have EVER seen! But he doesn't like change, so

he won't change jobs. We are moving back to Phoenix in two months, so he will

have to change jobs, but he hasn't even started looking. We have a home out

there that we will be moving back into and he told me if I don't go back to work

full time, we will lose that house also. And my son has ADHD and is a

HANDFUL!!!!! I can barely keep up with him. We need to have him involved in

lots of sports and other activities, but we can't afford it.

I know I'm going thru the grieving process. I used to jump horses competively

all over the country and did really well. I LOVED it and I miss my horses so

much! I used to work out all the time. It really helped me with my anxiety and

kept me at a size 0/2. My husband and I used to go out a lot and have a blast

together. I was so excited to go back and get my master's degree. I loved

doing interior design and was always painting and remodeling something. I used

to love to shop. Especially in quaint, little towns. I used to take my dogs

running or hiking and I did mountain bike riding. I loved yardwork and always

had some project going. I've always wanted to have my own garden. I used to

want to adopt another baby......REALLY bad!! I miss traveling and there are so

many places I still want to go. There is an orphanage in Africa that I want to

go do volunteer work for. And, like a few other women have talked about, I

don't look anything like I did just 3 or 4 years ago. I was considered

attractive, too. But not anymore. I have been working really hard at losing

weight and since I found out I was hypothyroid and taking medication, I have

been able to lose 21 lbs. It's so hard to do when you can't work out really

hard if at all. I'm 38 yrs old. I think back to when I was 34. I'm not even

close to being the same person. I don't even recognize myself anymore. My

husband has a hard time with my fibro, what what really bothers him is that I'm

not tiny anymore. He doesn't mean to be shallow, but sometimes he says or does

really hurtful things. Not only have I disappointed myself, I've disappointed

my husband and children. It's hard not to be really sad about that.

I honestly don't know how to accept this and cope with it. Many of you on here

are happy. I want to figure out how to accept my limitations and be happy

inspite of them. My future seems so bleak and miserable.

What are the homeopathic things you use? What other things do you do to cope?

I hope it's really ok if I call you because I'm really thinking about it. The

only problem is that I know I will immediately start crying and won't be able to

talk.

Jill

Re: Re: I need strength today!

>

> Jill - Please know that you will have better days. No, they won't be

> like you want

>

You will have to learn to live differently, but you will enjoy life again.

You will have better

days. I promise. I have been in this for almost 10 years now and I know

you will have

better days. You need an anxiety medication and an antidepressant

medication. You

need meds to help you sleep because that is the best medication. Don't let

the doctor's

practice on you. Demand something that works. Until I got down right ugly

with my doctor's

I didn't get anywhere. I also take 3 homeopathic remedies that I believe

are making my life

better. Please don't give up. I have been where you are right now and it

breaks my heart because

I know how sad you are. If you ever need to talk or cry to someone that

understands

I am here for you. I promise you will have better days! Soft hugs -

Jackie

>

> >

> > I can totally relate to you. I have a stepson from Hell, too. He

> stole our credit card and charged several thousand dollars on it. I

> have to say I'm glad it was money rather then my pain pills. After

> years of ditching school, drugs, sneaking out at night, lieing, etc.

> I finally got my husband to finally throw him out for good! Between

> my fibro and my young twins, he needed to go. So does your

> stepson....

> >

> > I hope you do you find another dr. to find out about your chest

> pain.....it may have nothing to do with fibro and be very serious.

> >

> > As far as the pain, I can't take it anymore either. I always

> thought that if I searched long enough, tried enough things, spent

> enough money I could find away to make life better with fibro. I

> have tried so many things, including moving out of state to get away

> from bad memories. When that didn't work I spent $$$$$ at the Fibro

> & Fatigue Centers. I was convinced that it was going to change my

> life. I was really excited. When I wasn't responding to treatment,

> the dr. said I would if I had my breast implants removed and I would

> be great. So, more $$$$$$$ and I still feel absolutely miserable.

> Plus, my pain specialist convinced to have all these back procedure

> the last 6 months and they just did more damage. Last week it hit

> me....this is it. This is my life. It's not going to get better.

> I'm not going to be able to go back to work (we are in the process of

> losing everything), I'm not going to be the kind of mom or wife I

> want to be, I'm not going to be able to enjoy my hobbies anymore, I'm

> not going to be able to go to graduate school, I'm not going to be

> able to travel, I'm not going to enjoy anything. Every day, day

> after day, will be the same unrelenting pain and fatigue. I'm

> already dead, my body just hasn't quite gotten there yet. I'm a

> burden to my husband and children and the point to continue this is

> really beyond me. I know I'm supposed to remain positive, and I have

> for years, but it's just pointless. I still suffer. My family still

> suffers.

> >

> > J

>