suspicious my adult son has BP

[Guest guest]

Hi, I am a mother of a 24 year old son and a 14 year old daughter, I

am suspicious that my son has BP disorder. I was wondering if

anyone out there would read my story and tell me if they could

relate at all and maybe offer some advice or just encouragement. My

son has had some behavioral issues since he was young, such as some

obsessive compulsive issues with cleaning, he has always done this

it seems to relieve stress, he is a real perfectionist with himself,

such as his appearance has to be perfect, he gets a haircut every 2

weeks, he looks in the mirror obsessively, when he was in high

school I remember him sitting on the coach all slide down and I

asked him why and he said so that he would not wrinkle his clothes

before he left for school. He has had tics since he was young, such

as eye blinking, shoulder shrugging, tugging at his hat, his tics

change all the time but there seems to always be one, but he hides

it well from people who are not close in his life. He has always

been quite moody, does not adapt to change well. But the real

behavior issues have been in the last 4-5 years, he has only been

involved in our lives for about 10 months out of the last 4 years.

He got mad at my husband and I about 4 years ago, because we gave

him some consequences for some actions he had taken, so he has been

punishing us ever since, he won't return phone calls sometimes for a

year or more, has never taken any responsibility for any of his

actions, the blame is 100% of the time mine. He twists things that

are said, recalls very differently than the way things happen. He

is very much a control freak. He went back and forth during the

last 4 years also with a girlfrient, he wants her for awhile then he

wants her gone, then he wants her back, then gone, then back, etc.

He has been extremely moody with her, up and down within minutes,

has shoved her 5 times, very critical, extremely self, does not seem

to see or care about the feelings of others. Seems to not see or

care about his exclusion from our lives, what that has meant to my

14 year old daughter, to lose her brother, and no explination, just

not in our lives, it seems as though he punishes people who do not

cater to his self, he punishes them by pulling out of their lives.

When I read about BP, it seems as though my son is a high

functioning BP, I miss the son I use to know, I don't seem to know

this young adult. Anyone relate, Cathy (a Mom who cares)

[Guest guest]

Hi Cathy,

Welcome to our " safe haven " . I know you'll find help, encouragement and

support here. I could

totally relate to your post. I'm the mother of a (just turned) 25 year old

son with BP. He *also* has OCD, anxiety, & is bipolar. Depending on the

circumstance, any one of those traits can take the forefront!

Mine too exhibited for sure the OCD as a youngster, although he never shared

the full extent of it with us until just last year. Do you remember the

show " The Odd Couple " ? Well .... the joke in our family was that we were

raising a Felix & an . Our youngest (daughter) wallowed in messiness,

and just didn't care. Our son, the oldest, was a complete Felix when the

mood struck him!! In hindsight we now realize his neat freak periods were

his efforts to calm himself and put some order into his life. I actually

took a picture after one Halloween when the kids were about 11 and 9. Our

daughter came home from trick or treating and just dumped out all her candy

in one big pile in the middle of her room, where it stayed until I lost my

cool about it. Her brother, however,

arranged his on a table top .... just like you'd see in a store display.

All the suckers fanned out, the chocolate bars grouped by brand, the candy

all together. It was just tooooo funny at the time, because unknown to his

Dad, he also knew EXACTLY how much of each he should have. His Dad

" borrowed " a chocolate bar the next morning to take to work, and our son

noticed EXACTLY what chocolate bar was missing. We were stunned!! Our

daughter could have been robbed blind and never noticed.

Our son shared last year that he use to count the steps it took to walk home

from school ... counting up to 12, then repeating that over and over until

he was home. Also he did multiplication tables repetitively in his head.

He said at first he thought all kids did that, then when he realized they

didn't he was too ashamed and embarrassed to let anyone know. He's a true

blue list maker, and also doesn't adapt to change well.

He also is a black and white thinker, and in the past has tended to hold

grudges. Everything that is wrong in his life is my fault, and if I dare to

speak my mind and he doesn't agree he'll also hold it against me.

What threw my son over the edge was a combination of insomnia, worry over

money & obsession with getting all A's in college. Within a short period of

time (2 months??) he became unable to function at all. To treat the

anxiety they prescribed various SSRI's, which I now believe were part of the

reason he became psychotic. At that point he began to exhibit bizarre

behavior & thought patterns, such as cutting himself, shaving his eyebrow

off, cutting patches of hair off, and a very

scary vigilante type of action. At that point he had not shared anything

about the extent of his

early OCD, and we were going CRAZY trying to figure out what was wrong, and

how to help.

Looking back it's amazing any of us survived.

About that time I went to a counselor to help *me* prepare myself for what I

was certain would happen - he would commit suicide. It was this lady that

told me some of his behaviors sounded like bp. I bought the 'Stop Walking

On Eggshells' book, and also " Codependent No More'. Both books were a

tremendous help & and I highly recommend them.

Eventually his behavior spiraled out of control to the extent we had to have

him involuntarily committed to the psych ward of our local hospital.

Unfortunately nothing changed. He then began to really act out at home, and

the final straw for his finance was when he phoned her at work and told her

he had cut himself, trashed their basement suite, and was going to kill

himself. She came rushing home to find the police there (I had called them

after he phoned me!), and they were pointing a taser gun at him and telling

him to either drop the knife or they'd use it on him. He complied.

She set an ultimatum -- either get psych help (which he had previously not

embraced) or she'd leave. He took a 4 month out-patient program, and during

that time he settled down enough to

slowly begin to take forward steps.

However, our relationship has never returned to what it was before. He

doesn't call here often anymore, whereas before he called sometimes 20 times

a day. I also don't call him too often, and I had to teach myself to put a

distance between my heart and his daily life. It was a matter of

self-preservation.

Okay -- now here the good news. He's been " stable " since last November. I

often feel we're all holding our breath, too afraid to think he's over the

worst (maybe even he feels that way). I can now chat with him without

feeling any of that " blame " and negativity that was always present when he

was at his sickest. I admire the strength he's shown to just keep putting

one foot in front of the other. I admire the fact that he swallowed his

pride and did attend the psych program.

Considering he at one point was refusing ANY medication, I applaud him now

for realizing his brain functions a little differently than is healthy for

him, and in order to resume a life he needs some medical help. I hope and

pray we will all continue to repair what was damaged during the past

two years. I love him dearly.

There is hope Cathy. Keep reading the posts here, and if you're like me,

you'll be able to pull little bits of advice and thoughts from various

people's experience, and knit them together to fit your particular

situation. I understand your hurting heart. Everyone here understands

that.

Think positive thoughts, and know that you've done all you can to help.

These sons our ours are adults now, and we must let them find their own way,

as painful as that is. Keep the faith.

Joan

----Original Message Follows----

Reply-To: WTOParentsOfBPs

To: WTOParentsOfBPs

Subject: suspicious my adult son has BP

Date: Sat, 06 May 2006 23:00:53 -0000

Hi, I am a mother of a 24 year old son and a 14 year old daughter, I

am suspicious that my son has BP disorder. I was wondering if

anyone out there would read my story and tell me if they could

relate at all and maybe offer some advice or just encouragement. My

son has had some behavioral issues since he was young, such as some

obsessive compulsive issues with cleaning, he has always done this

it seems to relieve stress, he is a real perfectionist with himself,

such as his appearance has to be perfect, he gets a haircut every 2

weeks, he looks in the mirror obsessively, when he was in high

school I remember him sitting on the coach all slide down and I

asked him why and he said so that he would not wrinkle his clothes

before he left for school. He has had tics since he was young, such

as eye blinking, shoulder shrugging, tugging at his hat, his tics

change all the time but there seems to always be one, but he hides

it well from people who are not close in his life. He has always

been quite moody, does not adapt to change well. But the real

behavior issues have been in the last 4-5 years, he has only been

involved in our lives for about 10 months out of the last 4 years.

He got mad at my husband and I about 4 years ago, because we gave

him some consequences for some actions he had taken, so he has been

punishing us ever since, he won't return phone calls sometimes for a

year or more, has never taken any responsibility for any of his

actions, the blame is 100% of the time mine. He twists things that

are said, recalls very differently than the way things happen. He

is very much a control freak. He went back and forth during the

last 4 years also with a girlfrient, he wants her for awhile then he

wants her gone, then he wants her back, then gone, then back, etc.

He has been extremely moody with her, up and down within minutes,

has shoved her 5 times, very critical, extremely self, does not seem

to see or care about the feelings of others. Seems to not see or

care about his exclusion from our lives, what that has meant to my

14 year old daughter, to lose her brother, and no explination, just

not in our lives, it seems as though he punishes people who do not

cater to his self, he punishes them by pulling out of their lives.

When I read about BP, it seems as though my son is a high

functioning BP, I miss the son I use to know, I don't seem to know

this young adult. Anyone relate, Cathy (a Mom who cares)

[Guest guest]

Regarding this OCD, I have to chime in here. When K was about 1 1/2 she

used to put all her toys in nice neat piles. She would toddle around and pick

everything up that she had previously thrown out of the playpen and put them

all in 1 or 2 neat organized little piles. My ex, to whom I was still married

to at the time also was definitely a neat freak and always arranged things in

orderly fashion. I jokingly said to him, at the time, " Look, she's just

like you " . All her life she had been extremely orderly and compartmentalized

until she started all this other stuff at around 18, then she became an

incredible slob. My ex was so bad that he used to clean up after his roommates

in

their dorm in college. They would always joke about it to this day. And he

is definitely something---narcissist or something---control freak and never

wrong------been thru 4 marriages (I was the first) and it has always been

everyone else's fault.

Jean

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 5/6/2006 8:44:41 PM Eastern Standard Time,

ccjgeorge@... writes:

When I read about BP, it seems as though my son is a high

functioning BP, I miss the son I use to know, I don't seem to know

this young adult. Anyone relate, Cathy (a Mom who cares)

Hi Cathy and Welcome to our group. You have come to a good place. Your

story is so similar to mine, I have a son, 29, and a daughter, 19. My daughter

was diag. w/BPD, and she is a success story. She is doing very well, traits are

all gone. She still suffers genetically from depression, but is coping well

and can see the signs, so she handles it herself. My son is another story.

Not diag. w/anything, but he sure has his issues. Heavy, heavy drinker, curre

ntly working on that. Past heroin user, hence the moods. Sounds to me your

son is very narcisstic and possible bipolar. I'm not a dr. but after years of

dealing and reading about mental health issues, you learn a lot. My mother is

undiag. bipolar, so I know the signs. I know how sad your daughter must be

feeling, my daughter just this weekend is so upset that her brother is gone and

literally killing himself. We just don't know who he is anymore. He was

recently diag. w/Hep. C and they told him his liver is failing.

He's a mess.

Your son, well I'm sorry you and your family are dealing with this. Your son

is an adult and needs to take responsibility for his actions. Until he is

ready to concede he needs help, it wont much matter what you do or how you

handle him. He needs to see himself that he needs help in order for him to

listen

to anything you have to say. It is sad, and the sense of loss is

overwhelming, been there. I did lose my daughter for about five years, but have

her back.

My son, well, he has to get himself better, not much I can do there. I know

he needs inpatient rehab, but he has to acknowledge this in order to get the

care he nees. I can't make him. Is there a chance your son is dabbling in

something that you may not be aware of? Drinking or drugs? I know the heroin

use was right under my nose in my home and I didn't have a clue until I threw

him out. Then I started finding things. I know this may sound hard, but it's

a reality. You should be glad your son is not living at home, the pressures

and horror of these disorders are hard enough to deal with in a loved one when

they are not around, let alone living w/you.

I'm thinking that if you find the need to have to deal with him, like if he

calls, you must just validate his feelings, saying things like, " I know, I'm

sorry you are feeling this way " or

" I'm sure you will handle (whatever it is) just fine " . I found encouragement

worked well with my daughter. Letting her know that I could relate to her

feelings, without trying to solve her problems.

I don't know if I've helped you any, maybe a support group in your area might

be good for you and your daughter, NAMI for example, or if you belong to a

church, go there, get some counseling. Your daughter needs to speak w/someone

to learn how to cope with her feelings. She's the one you are in a position to

help. Do it now before any long term damage occurs. She's entered some

tough years, a lot of changes going on right now w/her so nip it in the bud.

Hugs,

DebbieL

[Guest guest]

Hi Cathy --

Welcome to the group! While I'm sorry for the reasons that bring you here, I

do think you can (and WILL) find comfort, useful information and listening ears

(and fingers)! We all just express opinions (which you can take or leave; we

can only offer what we know from our own personal experiences), give ideas to

help cope (or let go) during stressful situations and mostly are just HERE when

you need to vent or pound out a problem on that keyboard.

Now, you mention tics . . . this is a definite sign of Tourette's Syndrome. I

have two nephews who have it. My oldest nephew (now 15) has had issues since he

was born (not sleeping through the night, not eating baby food, to start). In

addition to the Tourette's, he has Sensory Integration Disorder, ADHD, OCD, a

severe anxiety disorder and they have tossed around the idea of schizophrenia,

although thankfully at this time, it seems to be off the table. He has a

lot of the same kinds of tics that you have mentioned. He doesn't holler out or

cuss, as is the " known " type of Tourette's. And it is VERY often accompanied by

other mental disorders. And certain types of medicine can exacerbate the

Tourette's and bring out a violent streak in some individuals. This happened

with my nephew when they attempted to treat his ADHD with Adderall; he about

flipped out with triggered violence with the Tourette's. My nephew is VERY

non-med compliant (could never find a combo

that worked for him) and has only stabilized in the last couple of years. And

even now, in his first year of high school, he has had an EXTREMELY difficult

time adjusting and probably missed 40 days of school from all the stuff going on

with him.

So you may want to look into the Tourette's and see if that he is interested

in being evaulated as he works on his other issues. And of course, HE is going

to have to be the one to do this. As much as we may want to as parents, we

CANNOT do it for them.

Kelley

ccjjgeorge ccjgeorge@...> wrote:

Hi, I am a mother of a 24 year old son and a 14 year old daughter, I

am suspicious that my son has BP disorder. I was wondering if

anyone out there would read my story and tell me if they could

relate at all and maybe offer some advice or just encouragement. My

son has had some behavioral issues since he was young, such as some

obsessive compulsive issues with cleaning, he has always done this

it seems to relieve stress, he is a real perfectionist with himself,

such as his appearance has to be perfect, he gets a haircut every 2

weeks, he looks in the mirror obsessively, when he was in high

school I remember him sitting on the coach all slide down and I

asked him why and he said so that he would not wrinkle his clothes

before he left for school. He has had tics since he was young, such

as eye blinking, shoulder shrugging, tugging at his hat, his tics

change all the time but there seems to always be one, but he hides

it well from people who are not close in his life. He has always

been quite moody, does not adapt to change well. But the real

behavior issues have been in the last 4-5 years, he has only been

involved in our lives for about 10 months out of the last 4 years.

He got mad at my husband and I about 4 years ago, because we gave

him some consequences for some actions he had taken, so he has been

punishing us ever since, he won't return phone calls sometimes for a

year or more, has never taken any responsibility for any of his

actions, the blame is 100% of the time mine. He twists things that

are said, recalls very differently than the way things happen. He

is very much a control freak. He went back and forth during the

last 4 years also with a girlfrient, he wants her for awhile then he

wants her gone, then he wants her back, then gone, then back, etc.

He has been extremely moody with her, up and down within minutes,

has shoved her 5 times, very critical, extremely self, does not seem

to see or care about the feelings of others. Seems to not see or

care about his exclusion from our lives, what that has meant to my

14 year old daughter, to lose her brother, and no explination, just

not in our lives, it seems as though he punishes people who do not

cater to his self, he punishes them by pulling out of their lives.

When I read about BP, it seems as though my son is a high

functioning BP, I miss the son I use to know, I don't seem to know

this young adult. Anyone relate, Cathy (a Mom who cares)

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• HOPE FOR PARENTS

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From Randi Kreger, Owner of BPDCentral and the WTO Online Community