Sorry I bugged out

[Guest guest]

Kristi,

Thank you so much for the kind words.

You can always jump in and reply to anything I write - as can anyone else.

I'm going to my daughter Andi's at 4:00 for a mother's day dinner. It will be

fun to be with Andi and Joe and the kids. Joe's parents will be there too.

They are nice and we do all of the holidays together. I'm just glad it's

Mother's Day which involves only mothers so my ex husband and his wife won't be

there! They are at the other holidays. Ugh!

I'm going to stay over Sunday night because Andi, who will be working from

home, has a conference call on monday for about 1 1/2 hours and I will watch the

three kids. It's harder to watch them when their mother is there and with the

one year old there too. It's easy to watch the three and six year olds. We'll

see how tired I get - and I will get rebound pain from picking Aidan (1) up and

holding him.

Thanks a lot. I am sorry but can't remember if you have kids at home or not.

Anyway Happy Mothers' Day to you too.

Marti

Kristi happycricket87@...> wrote:

Hi Marti,

I know you wrote this to Jeanne, but I just wanted to send you a

giant, gentle hug! You, in know way, bugged out. Things get to

everyone one of us, so please don't feel like you're alone. I'm sure

that I'm not out of turn in saying that we're always here for you.

Take the very best of care, Marti, and I hope you have a blessed

Mother's Day!

Gentle Hugs,

Kristi

>

> Hi Jeanne,

>

> I'm sorry I worried you. You can call me anytime. My number is

in the pen pal list, but I think you already have it. Don't be shy.

If I'm being selfish and not communicating call me and give me hell.

Sometimes I need a good kick in the pants. (figuratively of course.)

I wonder - would someone who hadn't been abused feel the necessity

of writing figuratively? Just wondering.

>

> You are right about my hitting an emotional wall. So many things

are up in the air about my life right now that I'm doing my

withdrawal thing. I hardly ever leave my house when I'm this way.

I'm not afraid to go outside so I don't have agoraphobia. At least I

think I don't -don't really know the symptoms that well. I just

profoundly don't want to. I don't want to get dressed in anything

that I would wear in public or put any makeup on - don't use much

anyway. I'm so pale and and my eyes look so bad - one eyelid droops

and both eyes are bulging out a tiny bit and sometimes the white part

of my eye is yellowish (all from Sarcoidosis) - and there are such

deep deep dark circles under my eyes and my cheeks are so gaunt

looking that I need some powder at least and some lipstick. If I am

really going somewhere I try to put on real makeup to hide the

ugliness that has become my face. Also the Predinisone I am still

taking and the chemo drug have thinned my beautiful

> thick hair to where it has no body and just hangs there limp. My

hair is turning grey/white from blonde and that makes me look even

paler. I look like a stiff in a coffin before the funeral home's

artist has painted me.

>

> I used to be pretty and fit - not to brag but just to make a

point. I always looked a good 10 years younger than I am. People

thought at lots of places that my daughters and son were my siblings -

although I thought they were crazy. I was in the shape of someone

who plays tennis obsessively and competitively. I played every day.

My mother and my husband (ex) had worked so hard to make me believe

that I was fat and ugly that I believed it and didn't like the way I

looked then. I suffered from anorexia when I was younger but thank

God I recovered from that. So I never got to enjoy how I looked

anytime. It's only now when I look back at pictures that I can tell

that I looked good then.

>

> So this is all just to say that this is a real difference for me.

I'm not terribly upset about it, but I really don't recognize who I

see in the mirror. I mean I don't have to wear a mask to scare kids

at Halloween anymore.

>

> Anyway I basically stay inside, unless I have to - I mean

absolutely have to and no one else can run the errand for me. I have

to walk up the street to the group of mail boxes in the condo complex

and so I get my mail about every 5 days so I don't have to go do all

the things I've already described. I had to go to CVS this morning

because I had my prescription for Ritalin that is written and can't

be refilled and I have to sign for and show ID, so I had to go

myself. I went this morning early and there weren't many people

there. I got a mother's day card for my kids - the ones who are

mothers - and then practically paced until the script was ready. I

just wanted to go back home. While I'm still dressed (not that I'm

naked in the house - just wear comfortable clothes - you know, ratty

old ones - or sometimes I don't even take off my pjs) - I will get

the mail, but it started pouring rain while I was out so will wait

that out.

>

> Also when I'm this way I am paralyzed and can't seem to do

anything that needs to be done. I'm so good at blocking out what I

need to do - like pay the bills - that I can't even remember when

things are due. Yes I do have it written down, but I kind of refuse

to read it. I can need to make a phone call and pick up the phone

and just put it back down. I know I'm really weird.

>

> Well I have rambled and written run on sentences and interrupted

sentences and it will be a wonder if you can make any sense out of

any of it.

>

> Again thanks for caring and I'll try not to do this again. It

was rude. I'm sorry.

>

> I hope you are doing better,

>

> Marti

>

>

>

>

>

> ---------------------------------

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