Guest guest Posted April 27, 2008 Report Share Posted April 27, 2008 Hi Suzanne, It's ironic that you posted this today. I've been having a difficult time the past several weeks myself. Mainly do to the pain, sleep issues and all that goes along with Fibro. I can't imagine adding an unsupportive hubby into the mix. But onto the ironic part. I told my hubby yesterday that I just wish I could go to Heaven and be done with the pain. I'm not suicidal, but all this pain makes me just want to go somewhere that it will be gone. Take one day at a time. Will be thinking about you this week. Hugs, Deb in MN > > I am gonna go on and apologize if anything I say violates the religion > rule. I am going to mention my religion, but I am in no way tryin to > promote it or anything. Its just part of the pain today, and I think > everyone could sympathize with this one.. > > I hate today. > > I cried all night last night because of a fight with my husband. Let > me just say, because I dont want to talk about it, he said and did > something last night that makes me feel less human and more like > property. > > I was sitting in church today... even when I hurt, I still go, because > I guess when it boils down, I still believe God is the only person who > ever loved me really. Plenty say they do, but most of them end up > being abusive in one way or another... I learned a long time ago, talk > is cheap, but actions are honest. > > The pastor was talking about heaven today. I found myself actually > crying because truthfully, I want to die. I dont want to be here > anymore and i dont want to live. I dont want to fight anymore and i > dont want to do this. I dont want to spend hours online just so I can > in some impersonal way be around someone that " gets it " . I dont want > to go to another doctor that doesnt care and hurts me more than helps. > I dont want to hear any more of my so called loved ones' bull s**t. I > hate life and everyone and everything in it. > > Before anyone noticed me crying, I left the sanctuary and went to the > parlor. My church has a few rooms like the parlor, with super comfy > couches and such for people who arent feeling well or nursing mothers > or whatever to go and lie down or what ever. Its quiet and dimly lit, > and they pipe the sermon in there, so you can hear, but not be around > people. I sat there, and just cried. > > I snuck back in to the service at the end, mainly to tell my mom I was > leaving. I sat down, because of course, I was tired and hurting from > this disease that plagues my pathetic excuse for a life and had to > take a break because I had walked for 100 feet. > > I went ahead and waited the 10 minutes until the service was over. Its > not like it mattered really, my husband was home, asleep, because its > not like he was going to be taking care of me today. its almost 4 an > he just got up. must be nice. > > This lady walked up to me as I was leaving and told me " I want you to > know that its so inspiring to see you here. I see you moving slowly > because you hurt, and cringe when you have tostand up... and I want > you to know I think you are brave for trying so hard. " > > It meant alot... but i cried again. > > One in a hundred act like she does and at least appreciate out > efforts. Probably more like one in a thousand. As nice as that was, > she isnt one of the people that it would have meant alot from... like > my husband, family, or friends, who seem angry at me for slowing down > their lives. > > sorry I am so negative today. i dont want to fake another smile to put > others at ease. > > -Suzanne > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 28, 2008 Report Share Posted April 28, 2008 Oh (((Suzanne))) I am so sorry that you are feeling this way, I really am. Yes, having FM sucks. Yes, unsupportive/uncaring spouses and friends and family make it difficult and challenging for us to want to carry on, they really do. All we can do is take it one day (minute, second, hour) at a time and not look ahead (although being prepared is a good thing). If your meds, etc. are not working for you, let your doctor know. If your doctor isn't supportive or acts uncaring, find another one and keep on looking until you get the right one for YOU. One size doesn't fit all in this disease, that's the one constant I have noticed. You don't mention if you are on any anti-d's - and I don't think I caught how long you've been co-existing with this disease (living isn't really in our dictionary, now is it?), but it does cause depression - because we look back and see ourselves " living " and now we exist and sometimes a shower or bath is beyond our pain level, and even getting into or out of bed can be horrific (I asked DH if he could install handles strategically so I could use them to pull myself around the bed; he laughed so hysterically he nearly cried and so did I because the thought is ridiculous). You didn't share and don't have to about what your DH said or did; some things need to remain private and that's okay. If it's something you feel will continue and will further drag you into the pits, well, you need to figure out if you will do something about it. There is absolutely no excuse for abuse - verbal, emotional or physical - of any kind. None of us wants this. None of us asked for it. Yet here we are, lumps of pain. Some folks believe in it; some folks don't. Yet we still are here - lumps of pain. I am glad you have a strong faith. Remember that man will disappoint and fail you (as you have and are finding out). You are getting your strength from the right source. Could you talk to your pastor or perhaps another woman in the church? Let them pray for you. I'll also be thinking about you. (((Hugs)))) Darlene I am about 2 weeks away from going to my new rheumatologist. I have been told that both the doctors (females) in that practice " get it " . Because of my allergies, there are meds I cannot take (like ultram for instance, which I have heard works wonders). So I am staggering along on the neurontin (Lyrica didn't work on me or for me, other than to exacerbate an allergic reaction I was having so I now have stretch marks where there were none before (makes me feel attractive), plus the wonderful Tylenol arthritis and the robaxin, none of which is making a whole lot of difference. > > > > I am gonna go on and apologize if anything I say violates the > religion > > rule. I am going to mention my religion, but I am in no way tryin to > > promote it or anything. Its just part of the pain today, and I think > > everyone could sympathize with this one.. > > > > I hate today. > > > > I cried all night last night because of a fight with my husband. Let > > me just say, because I dont want to talk about it, he said and did > > something last night that makes me feel less human and more like > > property. > > > > I was sitting in church today... even when I hurt, I still go, > because > > I guess when it boils down, I still believe God is the only person > who > > ever loved me really. Plenty say they do, but most of them end up > > being abusive in one way or another... I learned a long time ago, > talk > > is cheap, but actions are honest. > > > > The pastor was talking about heaven today. I found myself actually > > crying because truthfully, I want to die. I dont want to be here > > anymore and i dont want to live. I dont want to fight anymore and i > > dont want to do this. I dont want to spend hours online just so I > can > > in some impersonal way be around someone that " gets it " . I dont want > > to go to another doctor that doesnt care and hurts me more than > helps. > > I dont want to hear any more of my so called loved ones' bull s**t. > I > > hate life and everyone and everything in it. > > > > Before anyone noticed me crying, I left the sanctuary and went to > the > > parlor. My church has a few rooms like the parlor, with super comfy > > couches and such for people who arent feeling well or nursing > mothers > > or whatever to go and lie down or what ever. Its quiet and dimly > lit, > > and they pipe the sermon in there, so you can hear, but not be > around > > people. I sat there, and just cried. > > > > I snuck back in to the service at the end, mainly to tell my mom I > was > > leaving. I sat down, because of course, I was tired and hurting from > > this disease that plagues my pathetic excuse for a life and had to > > take a break because I had walked for 100 feet. > > > > I went ahead and waited the 10 minutes until the service was over. > Its > > not like it mattered really, my husband was home, asleep, because > its > > not like he was going to be taking care of me today. its almost 4 an > > he just got up. must be nice. > > > > This lady walked up to me as I was leaving and told me " I want you > to > > know that its so inspiring to see you here. I see you moving slowly > > because you hurt, and cringe when you have tostand up... and I want > > you to know I think you are brave for trying so hard. " > > > > It meant alot... but i cried again. > > > > One in a hundred act like she does and at least appreciate out > > efforts. Probably more like one in a thousand. As nice as that was, > > she isnt one of the people that it would have meant alot from... > like > > my husband, family, or friends, who seem angry at me for slowing > down > > their lives. > > > > sorry I am so negative today. i dont want to fake another smile to > put > > others at ease. > > > > -Suzanne > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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