Jeanne - Sorry I bugged out

[Guest guest]

Hi Jeanne,

I'm sorry I worried you. You can call me anytime. My number is in the pen

pal list, but I think you already have it. Don't be shy. If I'm being selfish

and not communicating call me and give me hell. Sometimes I need a good kick in

the pants. (figuratively of course.) I wonder - would someone who hadn't been

abused feel the necessity of writing figuratively? Just wondering.

You are right about my hitting an emotional wall. So many things are up in

the air about my life right now that I'm doing my withdrawal thing. I hardly

ever leave my house when I'm this way. I'm not afraid to go outside so I don't

have agoraphobia. At least I think I don't -don't really know the symptoms that

well. I just profoundly don't want to. I don't want to get dressed in anything

that I would wear in public or put any makeup on - don't use much anyway. I'm

so pale and and my eyes look so bad - one eyelid droops and both eyes are

bulging out a tiny bit and sometimes the white part of my eye is yellowish (all

from Sarcoidosis) - and there are such deep deep dark circles under my eyes and

my cheeks are so gaunt looking that I need some powder at least and some

lipstick. If I am really going somewhere I try to put on real makeup to hide

the ugliness that has become my face. Also the Predinisone I am still taking

and the chemo drug have thinned my beautiful

thick hair to where it has no body and just hangs there limp. My hair is

turning grey/white from blonde and that makes me look even paler. I look like a

stiff in a coffin before the funeral home's artist has painted me.

I used to be pretty and fit - not to brag but just to make a point. I always

looked a good 10 years younger than I am. People thought at lots of places that

my daughters and son were my siblings - although I thought they were crazy. I

was in the shape of someone who plays tennis obsessively and competitively. I

played every day. My mother and my husband (ex) had worked so hard to make me

believe that I was fat and ugly that I believed it and didn't like the way I

looked then. I suffered from anorexia when I was younger but thank God I

recovered from that. So I never got to enjoy how I looked anytime. It's only

now when I look back at pictures that I can tell that I looked good then.

So this is all just to say that this is a real difference for me. I'm not

terribly upset about it, but I really don't recognize who I see in the mirror.

I mean I don't have to wear a mask to scare kids at Halloween anymore.

Anyway I basically stay inside, unless I have to - I mean absolutely have to

and no one else can run the errand for me. I have to walk up the street to the

group of mail boxes in the condo complex and so I get my mail about every 5 days

so I don't have to go do all the things I've already described. I had to go to

CVS this morning because I had my prescription for Ritalin that is written and

can't be refilled and I have to sign for and show ID, so I had to go myself. I

went this morning early and there weren't many people there. I got a mother's

day card for my kids - the ones who are mothers - and then practically paced

until the script was ready. I just wanted to go back home. While I'm still

dressed (not that I'm naked in the house - just wear comfortable clothes - you

know, ratty old ones - or sometimes I don't even take off my pjs) - I will get

the mail, but it started pouring rain while I was out so will wait that out.

Also when I'm this way I am paralyzed and can't seem to do anything that needs

to be done. I'm so good at blocking out what I need to do - like pay the bills

- that I can't even remember when things are due. Yes I do have it written

down, but I kind of refuse to read it. I can need to make a phone call and pick

up the phone and just put it back down. I know I'm really weird.

Well I have rambled and written run on sentences and interrupted sentences and

it will be a wonder if you can make any sense out of any of it.

Again thanks for caring and I'll try not to do this again. It was rude. I'm

sorry.

I hope you are doing better,

Marti

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