RE: I need help--before I strangle my child!!!

[Guest guest]

I wonder if you can put the situation back onto him.

A nice quiet little chat about the fact HE seems to have a problem..

there are certain things he needs and must do, but he doesn't want to..

but they have to be done....so, what does he think might work,

so that he can do what he has to do.

Maybe he will come up with something.

Sometimes they can think of a trade-off. Then they choose to do it in order

to get something they've negotiated themselves.

Maybe you can help him to think in the right direction, as in, You know,

child, I've got the point...you'd rather not go..do...BUT,

these things have to be done-so what do you think would make

it easier for you to do the things you have to do.

You know, I don't like.....(insert any aspect of your life-just kidding-I'm

thinking dishes,

laundry, playing taxi, etc. etc.)

but I do them by thinking about how happy I will be to know ( for instance

regarding

the doctor) that I'm not sick and won't miss out on playing (traveling,

camp) this summer...

Wouldn't that be a bummer if you couldn't go______ because you wouldn't drink

a little water to make sure everything's fine.

Or a messy room-well-if you want it messy-fine, but you will stay in that

messy room

next time we go _____(anywhere).

On the other hand, you certainly can go if the room is taken care of.

If it's Tim, I find has to sulk and be mad for 20 mins-1/2 hr. but then

she cooperates.

And the other ideas I read are excellent. I'm not always long on patience.

Good luck-

in Ma.

************************************** See what's free at http://www.aol.com.

[Guest guest]

Hang in there!

Lori Myers

I need help--before I strangle my child!!!

help!! I have a almost 12 year old who can do NOTHING but whyne and has a need

to have things go only HIS WAY WHEN HE WANTS TO DO IT!!!! I am rady to hurt the

child!! he needs to drink so they can check his uti-- " i don't want to -I don't

want to go to the dr........... " ENOUGH!!!!!!!!!! I'm not even pms ing--god help

this child next week --something has to change. yelling dowsn't help , sending

to his room doesn't help threatening karate etc doesn't help---

AUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! gonna have the ped. talk to him today that

usually helps for a day or two--this child needs a major attitude adjustment!!

maria

[Guest guest]

-

I have had phases with our youngest (non-CHARGE) that were maddening to me. I

found out that for me most of the aggravation was based on my need to respond.

So, when annoying, thwarting, frustrating behaviors would come up, I would say

(with tensly gritted teeth) " I can see by your (fill in the behavior here) that

you have heard me perfectly. Thank you. " This was enough to vent off my steam,

and seemed to not fuel his, which had us both moving forward better. This alone

would help me unlock and relax into knowing I can choose my attitude, but not

his )

Hang in there! )

love,

yuka

I need help--before I strangle my child!!!

help!! I have a almost 12 year old who can do NOTHING but whyne and has a need

to have things go only HIS WAY WHEN HE WANTS TO DO IT!!!! I am rady to hurt the

child!! he needs to drink so they can check his uti-- " i don't want to -I don't

want to go to the dr........... " ENOUGH!!!!!!!!!! I'm not even pms ing--god help

this child next week --something has to change. yelling dowsn't help , sending

to his room doesn't help threatening karate etc doesn't help---

AUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! gonna have the ped. talk to him today that

usually helps for a day or two--this child needs a major attitude adjustment!!

maria

[Guest guest]

Oh, ,

I am soo sorry your summer is starting like this....

pam

>

>

>

>

> Hang in there!

>

> Lori Myers

> I need help--before I strangle my child!!!

>

> help!! I have a almost 12 year old who can do NOTHING but whyne and has a need

> to have things go only HIS WAY WHEN HE WANTS TO DO IT!!!! I am rady to hurt

> the child!! he needs to drink so they can check his uti-- " i don't want to -I

> don't want to go to the dr........... " ENOUGH!!!!!!!!!! I'm not even pms

> ing--god help this child next week --something has to change. yelling dowsn't

> help , sending to his room doesn't help threatening karate etc doesn't help---

> AUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! gonna have the ped. talk to him today

> that usually helps for a day or two--this child needs a major attitude

> adjustment!!

>

> maria

>

>

[Guest guest]

Even though he is twelve, I would do the same thing I would do with Kennedy

- I don't even say anything, I just get a sheet of paper and put " Kennedy "

at the top. Then, I start with check marks - she will always ask about the

check marks, that's when I explain. I just make sure it's really visible

and obvious what I'm doing. Here is a scenario when I would do that (which

could be adapted in a zillion ways):

This is how it starts: " Mom, can I have a break? Can I play now? " multiplied

by 50 when we are trying to get homework done. I am getting frustrated with

her because we need to get it done. I say nothing, just get the paper, put

her name on it, wait 10 seconds and put a check mark (while she is

working). Kennedy: " What's that for? " Me: " Every minute you work hard

without asking for a break, you get an extra three minutes at break time " .

When she works another minute, I very visibly put another large check mark,

and she excitedly keeps working. It seems to divert her and we always end

up getting it done.

You can use this so many ways - you could make a chart with his name at the

top and the days of the week (or hours of the day if it needs to be more

often at first). Every hour of great listening & doing what he needs to

do/what mom wants, he gets a check mark. You can tell him what he will

earn, you can keep it a secret (after so many checks, you get a surprise,

etc) - the " surprise " or reward doesn't have to cost money either, it can be

something he likes to do, extra time watching TV or playing Xbox, etc. You

can vary the times when he will get the reward so he doesn't know, or you

could write out some numbers on scrap paper and put them in a jar and let

him choose a number and after that many check marks, he gets something. It

seems like a lot of work, but it really isn't once you get used to it and

you'll see how quickly you won't need to use it anymore. When you do, just

start doing it again.

Hope this helps, it's going to be a long summer!

Hugs,

>

> help!! I have a almost 12 year old who can do NOTHING but whyne and has

> a need to have things go only HIS WAY WHEN HE WANTS TO DO IT!!!! I am rady

> to hurt the child!! he needs to drink so they can check his uti-- " i don't

> want to -I don't want to go to the dr........... " ENOUGH!!!!!!!!!! I'm not

> even pms ing--god help this child next week --something has to change.

> yelling dowsn't help , sending to his room doesn't help threatening karate

> etc doesn't help--- AUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! gonna have the ped.

> talk to him today that usually helps for a day or two--this child needs a

> major attitude adjustment!!

>

> maria

>

>

[Guest guest]

My oldest is 11 and he can be the sameway!!! He doesnt have CHARGE

but he acts younger then his brother and sister put together. I tell

him that also, " you are acting like such a 2 year old and you

cry more then your brother and sister put together sometimes!! " Over

the last year tho I have learned that if I take him aside when I am

cooled down and explain to him why things are the way they are he

understand more and he has growen up so much in the last year. Yeah

he still has him moments but its nothing like it use to be.

Hang in there and try not to kill him!!

Hugs,

Crystal mom to (11), (4), and Eva (2 year old CHARGEr)

wife to Dan in Illinois

>

> help!! I have a almost 12 year old who can do NOTHING but

whyne and has a need to have things go only HIS WAY WHEN HE WANTS TO

DO IT!!!! I am rady to hurt the child!! he needs to drink so they

can check his uti-- " i don't want to -I don't want to go to the

dr........... " ENOUGH!!!!!!!!!! I'm not even pms ing--god help

this child next week --something has to change. yelling dowsn't

help , sending to his room doesn't help threatening karate etc

doesn't help--- AUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! gonna have

the ped. talk to him today that usually helps for a day or two--this

child needs a major attitude adjustment!!

>

> maria

>

>

[Guest guest]

My oldest is 11 and he can be the sameway!!! He doesnt have CHARGE

but he acts younger then his brother and sister put together. I tell

him that also, " you are acting like such a 2 year old and you

cry more then your brother and sister put together sometimes!! " Over

the last year tho I have learned that if I take him aside when I am

cooled down and explain to him why things are the way they are he

understand more and he has growen up so much in the last year. Yeah

he still has him moments but its nothing like it use to be.

Hang in there and try not to kill him!!

Hugs,

Crystal mom to (11), (4), and Eva (2 year old CHARGEr)

wife to Dan in Illinois

>

> help!! I have a almost 12 year old who can do NOTHING but

whyne and has a need to have things go only HIS WAY WHEN HE WANTS TO

DO IT!!!! I am rady to hurt the child!! he needs to drink so they

can check his uti-- " i don't want to -I don't want to go to the

dr........... " ENOUGH!!!!!!!!!! I'm not even pms ing--god help

this child next week --something has to change. yelling dowsn't

help , sending to his room doesn't help threatening karate etc

doesn't help--- AUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! gonna have

the ped. talk to him today that usually helps for a day or two--this

child needs a major attitude adjustment!!

>

> maria

>

>

[Guest guest]

Sounds like my 15 year old, only he doesnt' have CHARGE. Good luck!

Jeanie

[Guest guest]

-

{{{chagrin}}}

I gave you my gut at-the-moment reaction, and and are quite wise.

Long after the incident, where neither of us have any temper, I will ask my son

if he understands what the " point " of the outing was. He usually doesn't and I

explain it to him as neutrally and factually as possible. I narrate what the

intention or purpose was, what helpful behavior would have looked like and what

his behavior looked like. I admit to not knowing how to helping him out of his

unwillingness at the moment. Usually at this point my son enters into a pensive

almost sad soliloquy in which he usually is able to connect to either the source

of his unwillingness or the source of his future willingness. If all else

fails. the broad " it is my responsibility as your parent to help you develop the

skills necessary to care for yourself completely as an adult " are usually the

final tag line.....

With this particular son, any reward system, no matter how objective or

consistently employed, did not work. He would attach himself to strongly to the

rewards. He would start out strong, yet quickly become impatient. Within a

short time he would feel completely ineffective and pointless at succeeding and

completely throw in the towel, it's the " a little to smart for his own good "

thing.

Reminder, this is our non-CHARGE, very spirited, very

does-not-learn-from-cause-and-effect child - delightful, unique, extremely

loving, and learns in completely unusual and intuitive ways.....

Hope the day continued much better than it started OR you have a sitter for the

evening and a chance for a glass of wine and a long laugh....

yuka

[Guest guest]

-

I love that positive reinforcement! You are amazing! You have so many

wonderful creative solutions for most situations people present here. Gosh,

we're all glad you chose the profession you did cuz we are all reaping the

benefits!

Michele W

[Guest guest]

Michele,

I'm a huge proponent of positive reinforcement, but it really forces us to

go against what our natural reaction would be and think outside the box a

bit. It's a challenge, but it can work so well sometimes. I'm not 100%

sure what I'm going to do when I get done all this learning, but I'm

thinking seriously about having a chat with Pam about her work

(Educational Psychologist) - sounds like something that might pique my

interest.

Lis

>

> -

>

> I love that positive reinforcement! You are amazing! You have so many

> wonderful creative solutions for most situations people present here.

> Gosh,

> we're all glad you chose the profession you did cuz we are all reaping the

> benefits!

>

> Michele W

>

>

[Guest guest]

The more I read about our non-CHARGErs behavior, the more I laugh, although I

know in the moment these issues are not funny. My 15 year old, first class

honors, AAA hockey/soccer player, who happens to be 6'3 " tall and 200lbs, golden

child; has recently started to completely flip out when his 12 year old brother

looks at him. I thought we were way past this and I'm actually shocked by his

outbursts of " stop looking at me " . The funny thing is he has the most problem

with MacKenzie's behavior and a very similar issue of people looking at her when

she's eating. Although he is much bigger than me and in some ways very mature, I

guess there is still alot of " kid " in him. I wonder if parenting ever gets

easier.

Right there with you . Somedays I think if the whole world were medicated,

we would live in a much nicer place.lol

Jeanie

mom to MacKenzie 9 CHARGE, Tyler 15 SPOILED BRAT & Zachary 12 PERFECT MIDDLE

CHILD

[Guest guest]

-

Yes, Educational Psychology would be fascinating. As I experience more, I

find more and more areas that would be immensely rewarding and intriguing to

study - sensory integration disorder, neuropsych, learning theory, etc.

But, alas, I have only one lifetime and advocacy seems to be the way of it

for now :-) I look forward to seeing where you path leads. It's kind of

fun over the years to see how each of us has grown and developed - besides

watching our kids.

Michele W

_____

From: CHARGE [mailto:CHARGE ] On Behalf Of

Weir

Sent: Monday, June 25, 2007 6:52 PM

To: CHARGE

Subject: Re: I need help--before I strangle my child!!!

Michele,

I'm a huge proponent of positive reinforcement, but it really forces us to

go against what our natural reaction would be and think outside the box a

bit. It's a challenge, but it can work so well sometimes. I'm not 100%

sure what I'm going to do when I get done all this learning, but I'm

thinking seriously about having a chat with Pam about her work

(Educational Psychologist) - sounds like something that might pique my

interest.

Lis

On 6/25/07, Michele Westmaas

verizon.net> wrote:

>

> -

>

> I love that positive reinforcement! You are amazing! You have so many

> wonderful creative solutions for most situations people present here.

> Gosh,

> we're all glad you chose the profession you did cuz we are all reaping the

> benefits!

>

> Michele W

>

>

[Guest guest]

Jeanie I am laughing out loud at your signautre line and the sentence

preceeding it.

Lis

>

> The more I read about our non-CHARGErs behavior, the more I laugh,

> although I know in the moment these issues are not funny. My 15 year old,

> first class honors, AAA hockey/soccer player, who happens to be 6'3 " tall

> and 200lbs, golden child; has recently started to completely flip out when

> his 12 year old brother looks at him. I thought we were way past this and

> I'm actually shocked by his outbursts of " stop looking at me " . The funny

> thing is he has the most problem with MacKenzie's behavior and a very

> similar issue of people looking at her when she's eating. Although he is

> much bigger than me and in some ways very mature, I guess there is still

> alot of " kid " in him. I wonder if parenting ever gets easier.

>

> Right there with you . Somedays I think if the whole world were

> medicated, we would live in a much nicer place.lol

>

> Jeanie

> mom to MacKenzie 9 CHARGE, Tyler 15 SPOILED BRAT & Zachary 12 PERFECT

> MIDDLE CHILD

>

>

[Guest guest]

Michele, it has been interesting to watch us all metamorphose over our own

personal CHARGE lifespan. Who knows where the wind will blow me; I'm

just taking it a day (or a course ha ha) at a time.

L

>

> -

>

> Yes, Educational Psychology would be fascinating. As I experience more, I

> find more and more areas that would be immensely rewarding and intriguing

> to

> study - sensory integration disorder, neuropsych, learning theory, etc.

> But, alas, I have only one lifetime and advocacy seems to be the way of it

> for now :-) I look forward to seeing where you path leads. It's kind of

> fun over the years to see how each of us has grown and developed - besides

> watching our kids.

>

> Michele W

>

> _____

>

> From: CHARGE [mailto:

> CHARGE ] On Behalf Of

> Weir

> Sent: Monday, June 25, 2007 6:52 PM

> To: CHARGE

> Subject: Re: I need help--before I strangle my child!!!

>

> Michele,

> I'm a huge proponent of positive reinforcement, but it really forces us to

> go against what our natural reaction would be and think outside the box a

> bit. It's a challenge, but it can work so well sometimes. I'm not 100%

> sure what I'm going to do when I get done all this learning, but I'm

> thinking seriously about having a chat with Pam about her work

> (Educational Psychologist) - sounds like something that might pique my

> interest.

> Lis

>

> On 6/25/07, Michele Westmaas

verizon.net> wrote:

> >

> > -

> >

> > I love that positive reinforcement! You are amazing! You have so many

> > wonderful creative solutions for most situations people present here.

> > Gosh,

> > we're all glad you chose the profession you did cuz we are all reaping

> the

> > benefits!

> >

> > Michele W

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Jeanie-

I think we could have a lot to talk about with the 15 yr old boys! Have you

read the research about the immaturity of teens' frontal lobes? Google it.

They're just simply not as grown-up as they'd like to think they are. My

husband, just a few weeks ago, was complaining about how thinks he is

indestructible, etc. He'd forgotten that he was just like that. But I know

better because I was there!

Michele W

Mom to Aubrie 9 yrs CHaRgE and 15 yrs, who is being quite lovely at

the moment

_____

From: CHARGE [mailto:CHARGE ] On Behalf Of

Jeanie

Sent: Monday, June 25, 2007 7:00 PM

To: CHARGE

Subject: Re: I need help--before I strangle my child!!!

The more I read about our non-CHARGErs behavior, the more I laugh, although

I know in the moment these issues are not funny. My 15 year old, first class

honors, AAA hockey/soccer player, who happens to be 6'3 " tall and 200lbs,

golden child; has recently started to completely flip out when his 12 year

old brother looks at him. I thought we were way past this and I'm actually

shocked by his outbursts of " stop looking at me " . The funny thing is he has

the most problem with MacKenzie's behavior and a very similar issue of

people looking at her when she's eating. Although he is much bigger than me

and in some ways very mature, I guess there is still alot of " kid " in him. I

wonder if parenting ever gets easier.

Right there with you . Somedays I think if the whole world were

medicated, we would live in a much nicer place.lol

Jeanie

mom to MacKenzie 9 CHARGE, Tyler 15 SPOILED BRAT & Zachary 12 PERFECT MIDDLE

CHILD

[Guest guest]

Jeanie-

Oh, yeah - I forgot to say that the meds part brought out a full burst of

laughter. Just a few weeks ago, I was ready to take in for an Rx for

something!

Michele W

_____

From: CHARGE [mailto:CHARGE ] On Behalf Of

Weir

Sent: Monday, June 25, 2007 7:07 PM

To: CHARGE

Subject: Re: I need help--before I strangle my child!!!

Jeanie I am laughing out loud at your signautre line and the sentence

preceeding it.

Lis

[Guest guest]

,

pam

(having a chat with Pam )

[Guest guest]

Did you try the Wellbutrin? This should help all of this, it's a great

medication, works wonders on .

Debbie

I need help--before I strangle my child!!!

help!! I have a almost 12 year old who can do NOTHING but whyne and has a

need to have things go only HIS WAY WHEN HE WANTS TO DO IT!!!! I am rady to

hurt the child!! he needs to drink so they can check his uti-- " i don't want

to -I don't want to go to the dr........... " ENOUGH!!!!!!!!!! I'm not even

pms ing--god help this child next week --something has to change. yelling

dowsn't help , sending to his room doesn't help threatening karate etc

doesn't help--- AUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! gonna have the ped.

talk to him today that usually helps for a day or two--this child needs a

major attitude adjustment!!

maria

[Guest guest]

we didn't try yet--how long before you noticed any change? he goes to camp

7/8-7/14 and don't want to start it if we don't know how it's going to affect

him. thanks--maria

I need help--before I strangle my child!!!

help!! I have a almost 12 year old who can do NOTHING but whyne and has a

need to have things go only HIS WAY WHEN HE WANTS TO DO IT!!!! I am rady to

hurt the child!! he needs to drink so they can check his uti-- " i don't want

to -I don't want to go to the dr........... " ENOUGH!!!!!!!!!! I'm not even

pms ing--god help this child next week --something has to change. yelling

dowsn't help , sending to his room doesn't help threatening karate etc

doesn't help--- AUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! gonna have the ped.

talk to him today that usually helps for a day or two--this child needs a

major attitude adjustment!!

maria

[Guest guest]

You'll see changes in about a week but the most dramatic in about 3 weeks.

I would start him asap. It is an anti-anxiety medication and is the only

one that works on . From what I have read it seems as though Tim has

similar issues and I believe you will see good results with it. It won't be

worse than what you are dealing with now!

Re: I need help--before I strangle my child!!!

we didn't try yet--how long before you noticed any change? he goes to camp

7/8-7/14 and don't want to start it if we don't know how it's going to

affect him. thanks--maria

I need help--before I strangle my child!!!

help!! I have a almost 12 year old who can do NOTHING but whyne and has a

need to have things go only HIS WAY WHEN HE WANTS TO DO IT!!!! I am rady to

hurt the child!! he needs to drink so they can check his uti-- " i don't want

to -I don't want to go to the dr........... " ENOUGH!!!!!!!!!! I'm not even

pms ing--god help this child next week --something has to change. yelling

dowsn't help , sending to his room doesn't help threatening karate etc

doesn't help--- AUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! gonna have the ped.

talk to him today that usually helps for a day or two--this child needs a

major attitude adjustment!!

maria

[Guest guest]

Thank God for those angle middle children and prayers that I meet her

needs in the midst of the extreme needs of her brother on either side.

Kim

>

>

>

>

>

>

> The more I read about our non-CHARGErs behavior, the more I laugh, although

> I know in the moment these issues are not funny. My 15 year old, first class

> honors, AAA hockey/soccer player, who happens to be 6'3 " tall and 200lbs,

> golden child; has recently started to completely flip out when his 12 year

> old brother looks at him. I thought we were way past this and I'm actually

> shocked by his outbursts of " stop looking at me " . The funny thing is he has

> the most problem with MacKenzie's behavior and a very similar issue of

> people looking at her when she's eating. Although he is much bigger than me

> and in some ways very mature, I guess there is still alot of " kid " in him. I

> wonder if parenting ever gets easier.

>

> Right there with you . Somedays I think if the whole world were

> medicated, we would live in a much nicer place.lol

>

> Jeanie

> mom to MacKenzie 9 CHARGE, Tyler 15 SPOILED BRAT & Zachary 12 PERFECT

> MIDDLE CHILD

>

>

[Guest guest]

Thank God for those angle middle children and prayers that I meet her

needs in the midst of the extreme needs of her brother on either side.

Kim

>

>

>

>

>

>

> The more I read about our non-CHARGErs behavior, the more I laugh, although

> I know in the moment these issues are not funny. My 15 year old, first class

> honors, AAA hockey/soccer player, who happens to be 6'3 " tall and 200lbs,

> golden child; has recently started to completely flip out when his 12 year

> old brother looks at him. I thought we were way past this and I'm actually

> shocked by his outbursts of " stop looking at me " . The funny thing is he has

> the most problem with MacKenzie's behavior and a very similar issue of

> people looking at her when she's eating. Although he is much bigger than me

> and in some ways very mature, I guess there is still alot of " kid " in him. I

> wonder if parenting ever gets easier.

>

> Right there with you . Somedays I think if the whole world were

> medicated, we would live in a much nicer place.lol

>

> Jeanie

> mom to MacKenzie 9 CHARGE, Tyler 15 SPOILED BRAT & Zachary 12 PERFECT

> MIDDLE CHILD

>

>